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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Had to delete/block a guy before date after too many red flags

103 replies

struggling13 · 17/11/2023 19:13

Was speaking to a guy for around a month initially on a dating app and then on whatsapp/insta, everything seemed to be going well had a few facetimes and spoke often on the phone etc. Was supposed to be going on a date with him tonight however I had to cancel and delete him off everything due to what I think is valid concerns, my sister thinks I should've maybe still gone on the date.
The concerns include, he lied about his age on his profile which I didn't find out about until this week he said he was 35, he is actually in his 40's (I'm in my mid 20's). On the phone to him on tuesday evening we were casually talking about exes and he confessed he had stalked a previous ex stating when she broke up with him he hacked her Facebook, phone and emails and would park outside her house to make sure she hadn't moved on ( admittedly he did say it was 10 years ago and he had been to therapy since then) but it just gave me a really bad feeling in my stomach when he said it. Lastly on the first facetime I noticed he looked alot older/not quite like his profile photos and for what would have been the date he kept insisting to pick me up from my house, I was obviously unsure after his stalking admission and he kept pushing for my address quite persistently. Although not a mother, I do care for my disabled younger sibling here and felt it fair not to put them in danger if he turned out to be a looney. Was I right to trust my instinct by cancelling the date yesterday and blocking him off everything (mainly as he had admitted he could hack phones location etc) or did I act abit hasty?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 17/11/2023 19:56

Of course you were right. And it's nothing to do with your gut. It's your brain, experience and knowledge.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/11/2023 19:57

Someone insisting on knowing your address should automatically be blocked. That is basic safety and if he can’t see that, it’s because he doesn’t want to see that.

Someone lying about their age is taking away your agency to choose who you want to date.

And the stalking story is just awful

This guy sounds like a criminal who isn’t in jail because it’s so hard to get convictions in rape cases. You definitely made the right decision

Comtesse · 17/11/2023 20:03

Your sister gives crap advice and YANBU to cancel…..

PeggyPoggleshaw · 17/11/2023 20:11

You are most definitely right to cancel and block him. Those were more than red flags, they were sirens and claxons. It sounds like you've dodged a massive bullet there.

Daphnis156 · 17/11/2023 20:11

You shouldn't have to ask.
He sounds potentially dangerous.

augustusglupe · 17/11/2023 20:12

I don't think he'll 'turn out' to be a looney, I think he's made it pretty obvious he is one!!
Block!!

momtoboys · 17/11/2023 20:14

Well done.

Member869894 · 17/11/2023 20:14

If you have to ask that question you really shouldn't be online dating

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 17/11/2023 20:17

Have you Googled him op? Maybe you will find evidence you absolutely did the right thing.. Google his name and go right to the bottom. Found something out that was very fortunate a few years ago about a very unsavoury man.

Nicole1111 · 17/11/2023 20:27

You did the right thing. Next time move to face to face dates more quickly to save yourself situations like this

ladycarlotta · 17/11/2023 20:29

YANBU. It doesn't matter if your gut was 'right' or not, you simply do not owe anyone your time or attention. If he makes you feel uncomfortable you are 100% justified in not to go on the date. He does sound pretty dodgy though.

Riva5784 · 17/11/2023 20:30

She randomly moved out one day whilst he was at work and changed her numbers and kept refusing to talk to him.

Those are the actions of a woman fleeing an abuser. Stalking her is a continuation of the abuse.

Well done for trusting your instincts.

coveredindoghairs · 17/11/2023 20:38

Lying about his age is hugely unappealing, and as for the rest, those are some weird things to tell someone you've just met. There are too many other men out there to ignore your instincts on the off chance that he's not as creepy as he sounds. I doubt his old girlfriend ran from him just for laughs.

You don't owe him any explanation for cutting him loose at this early stage of almost dating.

I wouldn't ask your sister for relationship advice, after this!

Ponoka7 · 17/11/2023 20:57

struggling13 · 17/11/2023 19:25

To be honest I hadn't fully told her all of the stalking stuff I just said he admitted to acting abit crazy at breakups. And in his defence not that he deserves it he stated he did it because she randomly moved out one day whilst he was at work and changed her numbers and kept refusing to talk to him. Even reading that now makes me think wtf. I had only spoke to him twice briefly since Tuesday evening as I was trying to process everything together and woke up this morning with a really bad feeling abit him.

"she randomly moved out one day whilst he was at work "

She fled, fearing his reaction if she told him that she was leaving. Women are most in danger at the point of them leaving.

"kept refusing to talk to him. "
When someone is abusive there's no point in trying to reason with them. There wasn't going to be change. If there's been emotional abuse, gaslighting etc the fear is getting sucked back in.
Women don't have to put themselves in danger to appease abusive men.
He's going for someone your age in the hope that you won't be savvy when it comes to abuse. It's worrying that you thought that was "in his defence", to any woman who has lived a bit longer, that mitigating circumstances against him.

AbbeyGailsParty · 17/11/2023 21:02

it he stated he did it because she randomly moved out one day whilst he was at work and changed her numbers and kept refusing to talk to him.

She did that for a reason, and judging by his subsequent behaviour she made the right choice.
So many red flags, you were right to trust your gut instinct. Keep him blocked.

therealcookiemonster · 17/11/2023 21:04

@struggling13 you 100% did the right thing.

also... don't go giving your address to anyone you meet on OLD without actually meeting them in a public place a few times + establishing trust.

Olika · 17/11/2023 21:27

Keep him blocked and don't communicate with him again.

Takethehintandfuckoff · 17/11/2023 21:29

I’m glad you’re more sensible than your sister.

Takethehintandfuckoff · 17/11/2023 21:39

I gave a woman the benefit of the doubt once who said she’d stalked her ex, because it was a long time ago and she said she’d had therapy and worked on herself blah blah blah. Nope, she was still a total nutcase. Thankfully I binned her off before things progressed too far so I was only exposed to the mild version, but I’ve since encountered several other women who’ve been on the wrong end of her dangerously unhinged behaviour and I’m just thankful I dodged a bullet.

CheekyHobson · 17/11/2023 21:39

And in his defence not that he deserves it he stated he did it because she randomly moved out one day whilst he was at work and changed her numbers and kept refusing to talk to him.

It's amazing that people can be so lacking in self-awareness that they will come right out and say stuff like this.

A guy I used to know once threw himself a real pity party in front of me because his girlfriend of a couple of years had done something identical to the above. All I could think as I was listening to him go on about how hard it was on him was that he must be an absolute nightmare to be in a relationship with if those were the lengths she went to in order to get the hell out.

She was probably telling him for months before she left how unhappy she was but he dismissed and minimised all her feelings and acted like she must be the problem, so he will likely never understand why she left "completely out of the blue".

pikkumyy77 · 17/11/2023 21:57

F

Takethehintandfuckoff · 17/11/2023 22:08

It takes a great deal of effort to secretly get everything together and completely vacate your home in the space of a couple of hours, then change your number and cover your tracks. One wouldn’t go to those sorts of lengths unless one was desperate and terrified. Looks like she was right to be secret given his subsequent stalking.

also, repeatedly refused to speak to him? How many times should one have to say no before one’s no is respected?

you have very definitely done the right thing OP. This guy would have been far far worse than you can imagine. Well done for listening to your gut.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 17/11/2023 22:17

These are HUGE red flags, you’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m surprised you agreed to the date in the first place if he looked so different from his pictures on FaceTime. Your sister needs to seriously raise her standards if she thinks you should have gone on the date regardless! You dodged a bullet there.

Snuggleyou · 17/11/2023 23:53

This all day ☝️

Hibiscrubbed · 18/11/2023 08:32

Run for the hills. Run for your life.

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