Had to delete/block a guy before date after too many red flags

[struggling13]

Was speaking to a guy for around a month initially on a dating app and then on whatsapp/insta, everything seemed to be going well had a few facetimes and spoke often on the phone etc. Was supposed to be going on a date with him tonight however I had to cancel and delete him off everything due to what I think is valid concerns, my sister thinks I should've maybe still gone on the date.
The concerns include, he lied about his age on his profile which I didn't find out about until this week he said he was 35, he is actually in his 40's (I'm in my mid 20's). On the phone to him on tuesday evening we were casually talking about exes and he confessed he had stalked a previous ex stating when she broke up with him he hacked her Facebook, phone and emails and would park outside her house to make sure she hadn't moved on ( admittedly he did say it was 10 years ago and he had been to therapy since then) but it just gave me a really bad feeling in my stomach when he said it. Lastly on the first facetime I noticed he looked alot older/not quite like his profile photos and for what would have been the date he kept insisting to pick me up from my house, I was obviously unsure after his stalking admission and he kept pushing for my address quite persistently. Although not a mother, I do care for my disabled younger sibling here and felt it fair not to put them in danger if he turned out to be a looney. Was I right to trust my instinct by cancelling the date yesterday and blocking him off everything (mainly as he had admitted he could hack phones location etc) or did I act abit hasty?

OF COURSE you were right!! What a creepy fucker.

Don't do this.

1. Why should you give him the benefit of how a healthy mind works. Let him carry on in the same way thus alerting future potential partners to his frank weirdness.

2. If he did find out more about you or where you love, doing this would really give him a reason to feel pissed off with you. Just politely withdraw, block and delete.

3. You are not the asshole whisperer, or, put another way, as the saying goes, women are not rehabilitation centres for dysfunctional men.

Did i miss something in the opabout an inheritance??

@struggling13 He's a stalker and a liar. Very scary. Just block, no explanation needed.

I'm not sure about this. By hanging back a bit and talking before meeting, the OP has found out far more than she would if she had put herself in danger gone on an early date with this loon.

I think you've misunderstood what I said. I was stating that was his only defence hence the "not much of a defence" I am a victim of domestic abuse myself and lost everything to flee from my ex. I struggle to trust people and decifer red flags due to having autism and can't tell if I make right or wrong decisions sometimes.

You did the right thing.

As for the previous behaviour, the people who host the website should be made aware. So they have the option to cancel his account.

I think you need a better sorting hat

He sounds awful, you did the right thing

This is even more of a red flag. She obviously felt he would be dangerous if she left whilst he was there and felt the need to flee quickly.
Everything you’ve said about him sounds awful and I’m so glad you’ve blocked him. Don’t resume contact with him again and don’t take your sisters advice on dating!

DON'T tell him why you're blocking him - accusing him of being an old crazy lying stalker is more likely to make him want to search you out!

Should I go out with a lying stalker?

No OP follow your instincts!

What has this got to do with instinct? Her instinct led to her matching with and talking to a lying stalker.

What you've got here is someone who is about 20 years older than you, lied about it and admitted to being a pest. Jogging him on is just being logical

They're joking that the sister wants her dead

You did the right thing op. Even before reading the stalking part I thought that … not because he lied about his age (I would call that a little white lie ..) but the fact that he is almost 20 years older than you! I assume he knows you are mid twenties and still wanting to meet you? That’s just wrong. You deserve better!

You were absolutely right and I would be truly concerned about your sister’s wellbeing if she thinks these are acceptable behaviours

A little white lie??

He added nearly a decade on to his age when he was already looking for women a lot younger than him (based on the fact that he matched with OP in the first place).

It is not a white lie to deceive someone into thinking you’re ten years younger than you are when you’re hoping to have a relationship with them, it’s massive creep behaviour.

You don't owe anyone a date.

This is it in a nutshell. Even if there were no red flags and you simply decided you didn’t like the look of him after all, or just felt a bit ambivalent, that’s okay. It’s your right.

Is your sister one of these “Any man is better than no man” types?

This 😂

thanks for that OneTc.

Why on earth is your sister thinking it's a good idea to still go on the date? You dont want to go, thats the end of it. Does she want you to end up murdered? It's goingto be a lot harder to get out of once you've been on the date. Hes clearly nuts for admitting he stalked someone, but big pat on the back for him for having therapy (probably a lie) what about the ex girlfriends therapy?

What crap advice. How would it have sorted it? She would then be in the uncomfortavlenpisition of actually dated him and it's a lot harder to get out of. Lots of people like to get to know someone before they meet, and it looks like it was sensible in this situation. A month is hardly a long time. Look what happened to grace milane, when she went on a date with a guy she had been talking to for a day!

Whilst I do agree with people saying not to explain to him about the red flags, I would suggest not just ghosting but sending a message saying something firm but bland like "I've changed my mind about wanting to meet up. Please don't attempt to contact me again."

If he does start to hassle you (and I sincerely hope that he was telling the truth about the therapy and he has learned his lesson) then a clear early statement on the record makes it easier to report him to the dating site, social media and, if necessary, the police and for them to take action. Remove his deniability early and then you won't have to jump through hoops to do it later.

You had a lucky escape.

His ex definitely sounds like she escaped the relationship.

If he told you about the stalking, which is pretty bad, what else has he done that he hasn't admitted too. They usually tell you the mild stuff first.

Keep him blocked, don't engage ever with him.

Make a check list of things you should do when online dating, list out how to stay safe, about where you meet them, who knows where you are etc and stick to it. Never give your address. People can pretend to be whoever they want to be online, always remember, never believe everything that they say, until you are sure who they are

Agree some time is always prudent but if she had tried to suggest a meet after a week he would have been acting weird about her address and she would have been able to extract herself much more quickly and potentially more easily

Just one of these things is a big red flag and enough for a block without explanation (although I would have cancelled the date first out of politeness). I think if your sister had known everything you said here she would have told you to 100% not meet this man. The fact that he did this to his ex and then told you about it like it was nothing really speaks volumes.
I just read you have autism and are not sure about red flags/doing the right thing. You definitely have in this situation and good on you for going with your gut 😊

One of my favourite 'people' quotes as regards relationships of any kind (and I believe it's appeared on MN before...)

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".