AIBU to let this bother me so much?

[Extension275]

I like to think that I've grown very wise to people over the last 5-10 years and that I'm good at identifying and 'not feeding into' toxic relationships, as there are a few in my life where no-contact is not an option. I think that's why I am so furious that the current situation is still bothering me and I have NO idea how to move past it.

DH and I (and 2 DC) have a small 3-bed house. It has always seemed to require lots of work to just be a cosy, habitable space, but we make it work, even though there's always some kind of DIY project going on! Potentially, because DH does nearly all of the DIY, we don't quite get the longevity or finish that you would by getting professionals in, but we do save a lot of money!

Anyway, we have a number of 'friends' (who have been very fortunate in finances and live in much bigger properties) and family members (very similar in finances to us but for some reason still act the same way) who like to bring down anything we do. Let's say about 6 people in total, all of whom are not really linked to each other. For example, dh worked hard to redecorate our living room last year at considerable cost to time and finances. New furniture, the lot. Friend 1 walks in and says 'ooh doesn't it look so much smaller!' Another friend walked in and finds it hilarious as we are 'always having to move our furniture around and she doesn't know whether she is coming or going'. It was the same with the garden, and when my husband converted our garage to his home office. Always comments about the size and little 'jabs' or 'jokes' that I would feel silly standing up to. My family are more discreet but I heard them through the window on the way out 'ohh I didn't like that sofa, did you see how long it took them to do the floor? I don't know how they cope'.

This year we have finally managed to free up finances for a small extension. This has been half completed by builders, dh is completing the other half now. I'm not going to lie, it's been a stretch financially as it is and it definitely doesn't have all the bells and whistles one might expect from the type of extension it is. But it will solve a problem for us! Already the comments laughing at 'poor dh having to do more DIY' along with 'can't wait to come and see it' have begun and I'm absolutely dreading showing them the finished project because it's going to be small and I can hear the comments already.

I know that I am a bit sensitive because our house is small and their houses are big. Not just bigger... big. But I just want to be able to feel grateful that dh and I have what we have (and we are in such a fortunate position to most in this country) without being made to feel inferior. It doesn't seem worth causing aggravation by going nc with these people, it's too complicated but I'd happily never let them set foot in my house again. It's a big birthday for me in a few months so I know they will all want to drop in but then it will all become about 'seeing the extension'.

I am lucky to have true friends who tell me not to let it bother me, and that they can see jealousy rearing its head for various other reasons (non- house related) but yet here I am. Awake at 5am worrying about the simple act of people coming in to my house , once again. I do feel like it's deliberate but can't understand why it comes from so many places! It's ridiculous - AIBU to hate myself for letting this get to me?

OP if you still have friends like this - you really have not grown very wise to people

I have no “friends” like this in any shape or form.

Why do you consider these unpleasant people friends?
That isn't what friends do.
That isn't what decent people do.
You might know then for decades but that isn't what friendship is.
We can't choose to have nasty siblings or not, but friendships are by choice.
Of course it still bothers you, they haven't stopped being nasty yet. You won't suddenly find their put downs endearing one day, because they are not. They act like your life is a comedy for their amusement. Why do they still have access to your life and home?

It doesn't seem worth causing aggravation by going nc with these people

only in mumsnet is NC the first solution.

You don’t need to NC from these friends.

You need to stop inviting around to your house, cut down on messaging and maintain civil interaction only if they contact you. Soon enough it will dry up naturally.

These people are not your friends.

I honestly don’t know how on. earth you can think that Let's say about 6 people in total, all of whom are not really linked to each other. who regularly piss over your parade indicates that you have “grown wise to people”

Instead you seem like you are still very very vulnerable to people like this.

this is NOT normal. this is NOT friendship.

Thank you, first 6 posts have told me all I need to hear!

I suppose I just don't know how to handle it effectively.
I did mean wise in the sense of, I know I should not be feeling inferior and that their behaviour is coming from their own insecurities for whatever reason. I guess I'm just not very wise in allowing it happen.

OP

don’t spend your energy on this

spend your energy on addressing your vulnerability to people like this and how to ensure you don’t get yourself in the situation again where you have 6 people in your life treating you like this

you don’t want your children to witness people passing over the parents parade

and what does your dh do in all of this?

“coming from their own insecurities”

or they’re just unpleasant people OP

dont bother navel gazing about the why.

You should charge them.
£5 each to criticise your latest project.

Seriously though @Extension275 friends and family should not make you second guess yourself.
If they say its smaller than expected ask them
What makes you say that, what would you do, where would you place the furniture?
If they're so clever they'll have answers.

Can you try politely calling them out? Maybe when they said something mean ask if they have anything nice to say with a tinkly laugh and a little head tilt.

Or stop inviting them round

Yes - do this.
I would be direct, eg “that’s a very rude thing to to say, what makes you say that? Are you ok?”
Something along those lines.

DH sees it too but, as it's my family a friends doing their worst, he does tend to dip out and keep out of the way when they come round. this does annoy me, but I also do want to protect him from the comments as he works so hard for us to get things finished, around his full time.

I have intentionally reduced opportunities for these people to come round over the past few years. I think it has been noticed by them. But I don't see how to avoid them coming round for my birthday. And I don't get why they are so bloody obsessed with everything we do to our house.

Me walking into someone's house:

Oh I really loved their cushions. I'll tell them so and maybe ask where they were from. I'm not sure I could live on that busy road. I won't tell them so and will just make sure I don't ever buy a house on a busy road.

Simple.

However. I have yet to utter my very first 'did you mean to sound so rude?' and it may now be the time...

Agree with the other posters
I have a fairly small house
I have literally never had one person let alone 6 say anything negative about it in my presence. Family, friends, acquaintances. Because its incredibly rude and unnecessary. Similarly i can't remember ever making a comment like the ones you've heard ABOUT anyone's house that I've ever been in and certainly never directly TO that person....and I used to work in a job that meant a lot of visiting strangers homes. You seem to either be incredibly luck or really not have the boundaries you think to have accrued that many horrible people in your life!

So the problem isn't with you, it's understandable you're lying awake thinking you don't want them in your house- because no reasonable person would! The good news is you don't have to have them, it's your house you control who visits. Like a pp said it doesn't have to be about going strict NC just don't invite them over and if they turn up and say can we come in say "no sorry it's not a good time." White lie and say we are literally going out in 2 minutes so have to get ready sorry and close the door on them. At the end of the day if they're insulted who cares- worst case scenario they then cut down on contact with you which is actually best case scenario as it means you don't have to do it!

Stop inviting these people to your home!

Make a plan to go away for your birthday so that they won't be calling in then. I would avoid them ever coming to be honest. I couldn't stand people like that in my house.

have a birthday out?

Reply firmly 'that's our home and hard work, you don't have to like it, but we did it because we do, please withhold your comments'

Then carry on with your time like it never happened.

Sometimes people are rude. And sometimes people can't do DIY and save on costs themselves so they make comments to make themselves feel better. Whatever the reason it's rude - let them know, and if they continue after, let them go

These people are not your friends op!

I have a similar set of friends, I've also just bought a house, it's my forever home but realise it's a fraction of the size of the houses they live in, it's a 'doer upper' but ongoing as I can't afford to get it all done. They are always complimentary and will discuss colours etc, I know it's not their kind of house but they know it's important to me. These are how good friends act.

If I walked into someone's house and didn't like the decor I'd never say anything other than 'ohh that's lovely'

I'd start to say things to them.

'Well me and dh love it'
'That's a bit rude'

Or when thy say something rude, stop for a few seconds and ask them if they are ok?

Replete what they say 'you don't like the sofa'

You sound lovely OP, well done on all that work, congratualtions on the extension, how exciting.

Yes a few boundary techniques may be needed e.g leaving a silence after a weord comment, or blinking and saying "sorry what did you say?" Etc.

BUT maybe for some reason, is it possible that you have got caught in an act-react dynamic with these people?

Is it possible that your hard work is something youre (rightly)proud of so any criticism hits you extra hard as it attacks your sense of self?
How can you change YOUR reaction to them?

I wonder if you're being over sensitive about this. It sounds like you redecorate and rearrange more frequently than most people. I think people will always comment if there has been a big change since their last visit. There may be an element of them thinking that there was nothing wrong with it before.

Your house may also be more immaculate and have nicer styling than their's, so it may be about their own insecurities.

I'm also wondering if you complain to people about not being able to afford a bigger house and they want to say, "but you're spending all this money on furniture and furnishings"

What a bunch of twats. I think I would do the annoying 'hurt' approach and say in a wounded voice 'oh do you think it looks rubbish then? DH has worked really hard' just to call them out and make them look and feel shitty 😂. Fair play to you both for making your house your home and doing it yourselves xxxx

I think Velvian has a point...the 'i don't know if I'm coming or going' comment one of them made sounds like a bit of joking around about the fact you're constantly changing things rather than a criticism.

The other comments sound just plain rude though.

Very odd to see folks being rude, but if you break it down, only one rude comment, of it looks smaller. The coming and going is about the lots of changes and you over heard the sofa comment it wasn’t said to uou. Poor dh doing more diy doesn’t feel like a dig, more sympathy at all the work he’s doing.

i don’t get the impression you’re happy with the extension, and are a little embarrassed by it ?

From someone who has DIY'd one house after another over many years, be proud that you and your DH can recognise which tasks need a professional and which you can do yourself.

We have saved thousands of £s that way and spent the money saved on things we wouldn't have been able to afford. Every project is a learning curve, and with each one, your skills and speed improve! It's hard to hear criticism when you've invested so much of yourself in a project, which also might have been exhausting, but ignore, or better still don't let them in and be proud of what you're achieving.