AIBU to let this bother me so much?

[Extension275]

I like to think that I've grown very wise to people over the last 5-10 years and that I'm good at identifying and 'not feeding into' toxic relationships, as there are a few in my life where no-contact is not an option. I think that's why I am so furious that the current situation is still bothering me and I have NO idea how to move past it.

DH and I (and 2 DC) have a small 3-bed house. It has always seemed to require lots of work to just be a cosy, habitable space, but we make it work, even though there's always some kind of DIY project going on! Potentially, because DH does nearly all of the DIY, we don't quite get the longevity or finish that you would by getting professionals in, but we do save a lot of money!

Anyway, we have a number of 'friends' (who have been very fortunate in finances and live in much bigger properties) and family members (very similar in finances to us but for some reason still act the same way) who like to bring down anything we do. Let's say about 6 people in total, all of whom are not really linked to each other. For example, dh worked hard to redecorate our living room last year at considerable cost to time and finances. New furniture, the lot. Friend 1 walks in and says 'ooh doesn't it look so much smaller!' Another friend walked in and finds it hilarious as we are 'always having to move our furniture around and she doesn't know whether she is coming or going'. It was the same with the garden, and when my husband converted our garage to his home office. Always comments about the size and little 'jabs' or 'jokes' that I would feel silly standing up to. My family are more discreet but I heard them through the window on the way out 'ohh I didn't like that sofa, did you see how long it took them to do the floor? I don't know how they cope'.

This year we have finally managed to free up finances for a small extension. This has been half completed by builders, dh is completing the other half now. I'm not going to lie, it's been a stretch financially as it is and it definitely doesn't have all the bells and whistles one might expect from the type of extension it is. But it will solve a problem for us! Already the comments laughing at 'poor dh having to do more DIY' along with 'can't wait to come and see it' have begun and I'm absolutely dreading showing them the finished project because it's going to be small and I can hear the comments already.

I know that I am a bit sensitive because our house is small and their houses are big. Not just bigger... big. But I just want to be able to feel grateful that dh and I have what we have (and we are in such a fortunate position to most in this country) without being made to feel inferior. It doesn't seem worth causing aggravation by going nc with these people, it's too complicated but I'd happily never let them set foot in my house again. It's a big birthday for me in a few months so I know they will all want to drop in but then it will all become about 'seeing the extension'.

I am lucky to have true friends who tell me not to let it bother me, and that they can see jealousy rearing its head for various other reasons (non- house related) but yet here I am. Awake at 5am worrying about the simple act of people coming in to my house , once again. I do feel like it's deliberate but can't understand why it comes from so many places! It's ridiculous - AIBU to hate myself for letting this get to me?

How do i do this. Sorry so nit computer savvy

This.

And if they persist, tell them that you love the cosiness of it and you'd hate to live in a big barn of a place like theirs. Ask if they ever run into each other on a daily basis, or do they have to send map references to each other when they want a chat.

Even if your jobs are not very great it's really rude and mean of your friends to make negative comments. They are not helpful. But I agree not all the comments are negative. Like the moving the furniture.That isn't negative. Could you be being a touch over sensitive.

You sound lovely OP. Kind, thoughtful and in touch with reality. When you hear disparaging comments remind yourself who you are. The better person.
And practice this handy phrase (that I learned in MN) so that you can use it in response
'did you mean that to sound so rude ? '

Could you be being a touch over sensitive.?
You kind of would be though , wouldn't you, after all the other negative remarks?

And this is why Mners struggle with relationships.

Absolutely these people are being rude. Absolutely the OP should act, as it’s affecting her. But to suggest cutting off contact because of your fear of actually using your words is completely mad.

If they say its smaller than expected ask them
What makes you say that, what would you do, where would you place the furniture?
If they're so clever they'll have answers.

yup, good response. And if having a jab about other things 'what would you do in our circumstances?'

I think you need to tell your rude visitors that you are going for the Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi. This means embracing imperfection and transience in your interior decor. As you look around your home, you can see the love for it that you and your DH have and the time you have invested in it to make it cosy. Let others throw money at their homes and end up with soulless perfection.

My DH was in this position at the time we met. He has always done his own renovations. Yes, he often takes ages doing it, but he does a really good job. Some of his friends had bigger houses, married, children etc, whereas DH was single and living in a one bed house. It was a constant source of pisstaking from them and he was always the butt of their jokes. Asking why he had decorated that way, why didn't he get a 'professional' in, why was he taking so long to finish and so on. They were always quick to get him to help with stuff they needed doing though. DH was feeling really hurt by it all, but is a massive people-pleaser, so was uncomfortable about saying anything.

I began to call them out on it. 'He's worked so hard on this, it looks great'. 'Wow, that's a bit unkind', 'You're his friend, why would you say that?' These 'friends' slowly realised that this shit would no longer fly and that they weren't being invited over. There are quite a few who have drifted away or who he sees far less - DH is happy with that, I should add. The friends he now sees most are the ones who don't laugh at him, ask him for advice on their DIY projects and offer to help if he needs it. Actual friends.

I have a small house (which I am very proud of - it's MINE and I am the sole provider for my 2 children). In all the nearly 30 years I've lived here, one person has commented on its size. I laughed it off as she had form for being a bit of a twit.

Absolutely get this OP 100 per cent. One person who calls us “friends” cannot stop commenting and picking. Example: “and so and so’s house is even smaller than YOURS” and other assorted digs. Well let’s look at the facts: been jealous of me all our lives starting with my privileged childhood as opposed to hers being fraught with money worries caused by a feckless, womanising drunk of a father. My marriage, my family, the success of my kids. Looking down her nose because some mug lent her money for a mortgage she could barely meet the repayments on. Endless borrowing and remortgaging oh and thrown into the mix she married (second marriage) a lazy idiot who can’t find any work or anything sensible to say.
The comments are borne out of jealousy OP whichever way you look at it and for whatever reason x

I think you should say something with a little laugh in your voice.
'ohh that sounds mean, did you mean it like that?'
'Well I just feel very lucky to have such a handy husband, I'm so proud of him.'

If you can't say something nice, say nothing ! Would be the first thing I tell them. It also sounds like they are jealous...of a husband who can, and chooses to do DIY, or that maybe their big houses are mortgaged to the hilt?or maybe they just aren't the friends you think they are.
You can choose your friends but not your family so you need to choose to be firm with these friends. If they continue don't have them to your house again. Family? I'd tell them exactly what you think of them and their snide comments

Very true.

To improve your relationship with them, simply tell them what you don’t like about their behaviour, politely and assertively. Tell them how it makes you feel and ask them to keep their thoughts to themselves.

You may well find it becomes a joke between you - every time they open their mouths to criticise, you say “remember!” and, as long as they’re not monsters, they zip their lips. That’s what an open and honest, work-in-progress relationship looks like.

I'd be tempted to get sarcastic. Along the lines of, 'well, being poor humble peasants, we have to do the best we can with the little we have- but we saved up hard and got some nice biscuits for your visit'. Say it cheerfully as if it is a joke, but the sting will still be there. You're basically saying- back off, punk. But in a very British way.
Sarcasm means taking back control, which is good, as it's your house they're in, not theirs. And they're more likely to back off and not do it again than if you try to earnestly explain how they have hurt your feelings, or have a row.
You should be proud of your hard work and your thrift, not embarrassed by it. And they should be genuinely admiring you for it. Even if it goes wrong they should admire you for trying, not be carping or scoring points.

It sounds like all you've done IS feed into toxic relationships!

Real friends just wouldn't behave like this.

😆I love it!

This is true

I live in a small house, I'm proud of it and wouldn't expect anyone to say anything to me about it, so they don't, except to say nice things. They are either not your friends or your relationships have lapsed into 'jokes that aren't funny' and they are used to teasing you. Either way, not nice. Some of these remarks aren't cutting or nasty though, so you are a bit sensitive about the size and so hear anything they say as negative.

Some women and I mean some women would love to have a DH who is excellent at DIY. It not only shows off their talents it indicates how much they care about improving the family home with their own bare hands. My DH is like yours and he can turn his hand to most household projects. We find its those women whose husbands can hardly change a light bulb who find a subtle way of criticising our self made improvements. I'd definitely distance myself from the people you can. If its unavoidable family at least its not frequent visits.

There was a member of my husbands family who was extremely toxic towards my family. The way I coped with unavoidable contact was to mentally disown her even in her company. I was pleasant but built an imaginary brick wall between us. Its easy to say cut those people out of your life if it's family but it can also cause complications with others you do want in your life if they have no issues with them. On your birthday just find ways of proving your really happy with your well earned extension & build that brick wall 😊

OP,
You sound lovely but certainly not wise to vile toxic people.

You have 6 of them in your life making nast derogatory comments to you.

6 is a HUGE number to have.
These comments are not normal at all.
Your husband sounds absolutely amazing.
I would filet ANYONE that would make a nasty remark about my husbands efforts.
My loyalty to him is such it would NEVER happen twice.
I wouldn't forgive a belittling remark, nor would I want to.

You are stressed at 5am?
I don't blame you, surrounded by poisonous people as you are.

As @Afteropening suggests, do the fade with them.
Be busy and disinterested and unavailable.
People like these are so bad for your mental health.

I feel so sorry for your husband making himself scarce because you allow people like this who take a pop at his huge efforts, into his home.

I really hope you reflect on your lack of loyalty towards him in tolerating this.

Just to play devils advocate and given the number of, apparently unconnected, people making similar comments, could it be possible that your friends/family are trying to give you subtle prompts, regarding the work that's being done?
You have said yourself that the diy projects are almost constant, not up to others expected standards and don't provide the longevity of professional work.
Can I ask then, why are you doing these things? If you're short on funds, the odd quick fix, when you'd rather not fork out for a professional, is standard. Or alternatively, chucking yourself on a six week course at the local Tech is becoming pretty popular, so you can do your own tiling etc..........but constant sub-standard diy projects? Does everything have to be done by your husband now? Would it not be better to wait an extra year or two and get work done which is going to last and add value (to your lives, as well as your home?)
Are you ultimately damaging your home? What would buyers/a survey say if you had to sell the house tomorrow? Could it be possible that your friends trying to subtly tell you to stop, for your own good?

I would go very low contact with these ‘friends’ with a view to eventually cutting them off, who needs ‘friends’ like these.

With family, I would give them a taste of their own medicine and critique their own furnishings / taste in decor the next time I visit.

You or your poor hardworking DH shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of negativity when you are doing the best you can

Who cares about any of that nonsense.

You have your health, you have each other and your house sounds lovely. Sounds like you and DH have put a lot of thought, effort and love into your home and it works for you.

If these people feel the need to put your house down, they're obviously lacking in other areas.

They're not friends, put them swiftly in the bin x

They’re probably jealous as hell that your husband does all that work on your house.