AIBU to let this bother me so much?

[Extension275]

I like to think that I've grown very wise to people over the last 5-10 years and that I'm good at identifying and 'not feeding into' toxic relationships, as there are a few in my life where no-contact is not an option. I think that's why I am so furious that the current situation is still bothering me and I have NO idea how to move past it.

DH and I (and 2 DC) have a small 3-bed house. It has always seemed to require lots of work to just be a cosy, habitable space, but we make it work, even though there's always some kind of DIY project going on! Potentially, because DH does nearly all of the DIY, we don't quite get the longevity or finish that you would by getting professionals in, but we do save a lot of money!

Anyway, we have a number of 'friends' (who have been very fortunate in finances and live in much bigger properties) and family members (very similar in finances to us but for some reason still act the same way) who like to bring down anything we do. Let's say about 6 people in total, all of whom are not really linked to each other. For example, dh worked hard to redecorate our living room last year at considerable cost to time and finances. New furniture, the lot. Friend 1 walks in and says 'ooh doesn't it look so much smaller!' Another friend walked in and finds it hilarious as we are 'always having to move our furniture around and she doesn't know whether she is coming or going'. It was the same with the garden, and when my husband converted our garage to his home office. Always comments about the size and little 'jabs' or 'jokes' that I would feel silly standing up to. My family are more discreet but I heard them through the window on the way out 'ohh I didn't like that sofa, did you see how long it took them to do the floor? I don't know how they cope'.

This year we have finally managed to free up finances for a small extension. This has been half completed by builders, dh is completing the other half now. I'm not going to lie, it's been a stretch financially as it is and it definitely doesn't have all the bells and whistles one might expect from the type of extension it is. But it will solve a problem for us! Already the comments laughing at 'poor dh having to do more DIY' along with 'can't wait to come and see it' have begun and I'm absolutely dreading showing them the finished project because it's going to be small and I can hear the comments already.

I know that I am a bit sensitive because our house is small and their houses are big. Not just bigger... big. But I just want to be able to feel grateful that dh and I have what we have (and we are in such a fortunate position to most in this country) without being made to feel inferior. It doesn't seem worth causing aggravation by going nc with these people, it's too complicated but I'd happily never let them set foot in my house again. It's a big birthday for me in a few months so I know they will all want to drop in but then it will all become about 'seeing the extension'.

I am lucky to have true friends who tell me not to let it bother me, and that they can see jealousy rearing its head for various other reasons (non- house related) but yet here I am. Awake at 5am worrying about the simple act of people coming in to my house , once again. I do feel like it's deliberate but can't understand why it comes from so many places! It's ridiculous - AIBU to hate myself for letting this get to me?

You say this is not just one person but six separate family and friends who you feel offended by? That’s either incredibly unlucky of you to have so many shit friends and family members or it might be about your own perception of your home. Maybe you’re taking these comments too personally because you aren’t satisfied yourself.

Ah this is familiar: sil said of our first purchase, ‘oh what a funny, little house’, and fil’s first comment on our move up was ‘oh well if it feels too small, you can always move in a year or two.’ I would never, ever comment like that because I’m far more tactful, kind and care about my friends’ happiness.

Don’t let them in and if you do and they say one word, go completely silent and leave a massive, pregnant pause, followed by a deep sigh and ‘how did I know that was coming?’ Make them feel as bloody awkward as you can.

If you do what you've always done (letting them visit, not responding to their rudeness), you'll get what you've always got (more negative comments)!

You can either tackle it head on and tell them you find their behaviour to be rude or you can stop allowing them into your house and eventually they'll get the message that they are not welcome. You really don't need to maintain regular contact with people who don't add anything positive to your life.

Re your birthday, just say it's not a good time to have visitors or meet them for coffee at Starbucks or something. No one has a right to access your home.

I think it's good that your dh is capable of doing the DIY. Tbh, I don't know where people get the money from to just do big projects whenever they want - my house has been a work in progress for 15 years! It's sensible to do things as and when you can afford them. There's an obsession in this country with big houses being better and all improvements needing to be done immediately, but I'd rather not borrow more on my mortgage to get a new kitchen etc and to save up. Even if that means waiting a bit. Be proud of your home and effort and pull up your 'friends' on their attitude.

It seems very bad luck to have 6 separate people in your life who are rude and unkind

If it were me i would never have them over to my house

I'd meet them for coffee or a glass of wine but never have them over

If they pop over I wouldn't invite them in

However I don't think you'll do the above so instead, when they say X, I'd say

"Did you really mean to say that?"

I imagine they'll have some defensive crap to say and I'd then say

"DH works really hard to make our home as lovely as possible. Can't you find something kind to say?"

Remind them the door is still in the same place. Mil once commented on how much dc's stuff we had. I told her where the door was and she was free to use it. She stfu after that.

Another one saying you need new friends!
I think the comments may stem from their (misplaced) sense of insecurity that they are not living in bigger, grander houses than they are so they have a dig at yours.
Re - the birthday, I also second the idea of going away so they won’t visit.

Yes meet them away from your home. Go out for a meal or coffee.

DH sees it too but, as it's my family a friends doing their worst, he does tend to dip out and keep out of the way when they come round. this does annoy me, but I also do want to protect him from the comments as he works so hard for us to get things finished, around his full time.

perhaps he is annoyed that you continue to invite such rude people around to the family home

why on earth would you do this? meet people and spend time and socialise with them - knowing you have to meet them away from your home because otherwise they will scorn it

I can think of three people who have done similar to me (over a 20 year span) and I just take it as a sign that they are covertly nasty (and with these three there have have been other signs too). They would almost certainly find fault if your house was bigger and it was all professionally decorated, or some way to say something negative.

I hosted a book club at my house (my turn) and one of the women turned up (first time at my house) and immediately started pointing out things she didn't like. It was bizarre.

I would take three things from this: don't invite them to your home (ever); stop sharing with them what you are doing to the house (or indeed anything of consequence in your life); view them as acquaintances rather than friends; if you enjoy their company continue to do things with them but I wouldn't trust them. I can't say I've ever found someone like this who I can bring myself to enjoy their company after they've dropping a few nasty calling cards like this (or even one now).

For the first time ever, I think the MN response of “Did you mean to be so rude?” is apt.

You're not sensitive.

They sound vile.

They make disparaging comments about your home and financial situation. That's horrible.

I would not invite these people round again at all ever.

I would slow fade them. No drama. No fuss. Just excuses until they get the hint.

Really. Get new friends. And if it's family too, avoid them. Bin them.

It is amazing you and your dh do so much independently to your home. Do not underestimate that power. You're in charge. You're saving stacks of cash. You're amazing. Plus you married a very capable man.

I will never understand people who feel the need to be so rude. I have a family member who does this about anything and everything, making rude comments about my home, garden, appearance etc. I reckon it stems from jealousy. I no longer invite this relative to my home as I find that behaviour disgraceful and I always ended up seething for ages after they'd left.

If they get a dig in about the size of your home or how you've decorated and their homes are big (as you say not just bigger than yours they are BIG homes), then I'd quip back "Well we aren't all as fortunate as you are being born with a silver spoon in our mouths" as they have clearly come from money and have money and the things that you're doing are improving your lives, and your home but they don't need to do those things.

Perhaps they may have a dodgy roof at some point and you can joke about how you managed to fix your roof before you started to live in your home but it must be difficult for them having to move all of their furniture around in their huge rooms to accommodate the equipment necessary to fix a leaky roof. All said with a smile and through a laugh.

Or you could just phase them out of your friendship group as they really don't sound like nice people. If I went to see a friends house and they had done home improvements on it, I'd be saying how warm and welcoming the house was, not commenting about how small the room looked (looks can be deceptive) and other positive comments. These 6 are not doing that for you.

Hope the build/extension goes well for you and that you enjoy it when it is completed.

@Extension275

However. I have yet to utter my very first 'did you mean to sound so rude?' and it may now be the time...

The first time is hard, but it gets easier over time and people are more polite afterwards. I once I had a boyfriend come round who, within the first 10 minutes started criticising my home. I told him he was very rude and that, if he didn't like my home, he was free to leave. You do need to put recognisable, clear boundaries where they're necessary OP, or people will walk all over you. 🌹

then I'd quip back "Well we aren't all as fortunate as you are being born with a silver spoon in our mouths" as they have clearly come from money and have money and the things that you're doing are improving your lives, and your home but they don't need to do those things.

well that would be a bit odd if they hadn’t been born with a silver spoon on their mouth, which the OP doesn’t mention being the case

What the FUCK is wrong with these petty, small minded, nasty people?

A true friend would admire the work that's been done & praise your DH for the effort he's putting into your extension.

They are horrible, draining, mean wastes of space OP. Do everything you can to get out of inviting them over.

OP, Have you heard of the family dynamic of “scapegoat”? I wonder if in your family of origin (which you mention are the ones making the comments) used you as the scapegoat to make themselves feel better and now you have a lovely life they want to take you down a peg. If you are raised as a scapegoat it is very easy to find “friends” who also treat you that way as familiar, hence why the behaviour is seen in some friends.

You don’t need to go no contact, but there is also no need to invite these people over. Just get busy with your REAL, lovely friends and don’t have time or interest in the nasty family/friends. It is unlikely that dynamic will ever change with them, as they are stuck being immature, so don’t even put any effort into them. Your DH sounds a gem for doing so much to make your home lovely.

It’s easy. Don’t let these people in your home. I don’t often have people over mine as it’s a 2 bed flat with a 2 yo DS, no garden, can get cramped. Go to theirs

Arrange to meet them (for your birthday or whatever) outside the house.

Coffee shop, afternoon tea, restaurant, National trust place.

(We did this with PILs fir other reasons but it's a very successful strategy)

I have a friend whose first reaction if he is jealous of something is to criticise it. Then a bit later he copies it. Like “can’t believe you got a flash new car, so tacky” then a few weeks later buys a flash new car. It’s never bothered me because I am secure in myself and always genuinely interested in people’s honest opinions, but it’s always irritated the hell out of my husband, who feels like they’re competing. But over the years we’ve noticed the pattern and realised it’s an unconscious tell that he really likes something so we take it as a compliment! He’s great in every other way so I just let it go. Nobody’s perfect.

As you’ve said, people who feel the need to bring others down do it out of their own insecurity. If they were more secure, there would be no need to dump on your little house. (Accidentally overheard conversations are a bit different - they just have different taste from you and are enjoying the contrast with what they have at home in private. They’re entitled to like different things.)

You know you are lucky to have what you have and that everything you are doing is making the best of it in the circumstances you have. Just feel sorry for people who can only make themselves feel good by bringing you down.

Probably jealous that your husband does so much in the house and by all accounts seems quite talented. It sounds like your building love into your house with your bear hands, blood, sweat & tears brick by brick. Something money can’t buy! Good for you!! We rent our house so you definitely are far better off than my family!! Invite me round I’ll come and oooh and ahhh at it lol

Some things sound rude, and some things sound like you're being hyper sensitive. Comments about feeling sorry for your husband always doing diy could easily be said in jest. People jumping on the bandwagon of "these people arent your friends" are the same as the people commenting on marriage problems with "leave him" for simple disagreements that could be worked through.

For family you say "stop being so fucking rude and condescending". For the "friends", put them in the back burner/relegate to acquaintances and see them away from home. They are NOT friends.

This. They are not your friends. I would not want negative people in my life much less my house. Also it sounds to me like you have a great dh who's worked hard to make your house a home.