To tell the school not to punish the child that hit my DD?

[Whatwouldyoudo24]

Okay so not exactly don’t punish him, but that I think their punishment is ridiculous?

DD is 5 (YR1) and in a mixed YR1/YR2 class. This other child (let’s call him Donald) is in YR2 and he had a lot of settling in issues at the beginning of the year and was often lashing out at the younger children in the class.

My daughter came home and told me what was happening so I had a meeting with her teacher where she mentioned that Donald is being assessed for SEN and has had the same teacher in reception and YR1 so understandably was struggling with the transition. The teacher explained the things they were putting in place to minimise any issues and they all seemed reasonable.

Me and my daughter had a conversation about Donald and I said to stay away from him as much as possible and if there were any issues to let the teacher know, but to also highlight any moments where Donald was kind as the teacher said he responded really well to positive praise.

This was in September and all has been fine since, DD has only mentioned the kind things Donald has done. Today she has come home and said he has hit her in the stomach, ‘not really hard but it’s wasn’t very kind and it made her really sad’, she said this happened on the way into assembly as Donald felt like she was too close to him.

Obviously this is not okay, and I was planning on mentioning it to teacher tomorrow so that they could be aware that moving into assembly is obviously overwhelming for Donald so they could maybe have him slightly ahead of the rest of the class to reduce this issue.

This evening I’ve received a message from her teacher saying that DD has told her Donald has hit her in the stomach and that they are taking away his entire lunch break tomorrow, so they ‘have it in hand’.

Personally I think this is ridiculous, obviously it’s not okay that DD was hit but I can’t see how removing the only portion of the day that allows children to release the energy and frustration that builds after hours in a classroom is going to help? I worry that by the afternoon he will be in a position that is very difficult to regulate his emotions and it could lead to many more issues? I also think it’s just cruel to take away a lunch break for a 6 year old child with possible SEN.

I want to reply and say thank you for letting me know the situation, but please don’t remove Donald’s lunch break over something that didn’t leave a mark and DD had gotten past by bedtime. Would this come across as rude? I worry it’ll sound like I’m telling her how to teach when I really am not, I know I couldn’t teach 20 odd 5/6 year olds.

I’m also not saying Donald shouldn’t face some consequences, only that there must be consequences that would fit the situation better and actually work towards solving the problem?

As the mother of a child who told mine to be kind and accepted that a lad in her class had additional needs, please do not do this.

The child carried on hitting and abusing my daughter, but because we’d acquiesced early on the school took that as a ‘you’re ok with him being the way he is with her’.

He may have additional needs but he also needs to know that actions have consequences.

We ended up having to move schools as the behaviour that started off as ‘a simple hit’ turned into something far more sinister.

Let the school sanction him and don’t get caught up in the ‘must be kind’ aspect.

I personally believe that it is important for your daughter to see a boy being punished for physically harming her.

This will set her up for later in life, knowing that this is unacceptable.

I understand feeling sympathy for the boy and what he is going through, but in my opinion you are not actively showing that you are on your daughters side and her safety (emotional and physical) is your priority.

It doesn't matter what someone has going on, at any age. There should be consequences for these actions.

Otherwise you raise girls who think it's okay to be hit and boys who are unable to control their anger.
If he can't control it due to additional needs, then the teachers need to control it and supervise more closely.

So yes, I think you are bring very unreasonable to interfere with the punishment the teacher deems appropriate.

I think you’re being very thoughtful. Unfortunately it may be seen as undermining the teacher’s position, and I think there needs to be some consequence, but I agree with you that taking away his lunch break may well be completely counter-productive.

YABU. It's not your place to tell the school how to deal with the behaviour of its pupils, even when the incident involved your child.

YABU. The school will make a decision on punishment due to unacceptable behaviour in school, it’s not actually up to you whether he gets punished or not. It’s the school’s call.

I think this is the first time on here I've seen such a sensible and empathetic view, from a parent, of a school situation involving a child with additional needs. If only the teacher concerned had your level of understanding! I do think you should put your view across to them, yes. You're right that what they propose will be counter productive and they need to support him better in order to safeguard your daughter and his other peers.

You all makes very good points, I’ll definitely leave it up to them. I suppose it’s also very possible that just because DD hasn’t had any issues doesn’t mean he hasn’t been unkind to any/every other student in their class.

I just really hope he is still being given some sort of opportunity to get some frustration/energy out at some point in the day.

If Donald can't cope with other children being near him then he may well prefer to spend lunch break on his own.

Your dd might not be the only child he hit. Or he might have hit adults too. You won't be told details about any child other than your own.

You don’t know what is going on at all with Donald other than your DD.

if you feel the need to reply anything thanks for updating . Dd is now fine.

it’s not your place to define how the school respond to issues in school.

I think that the way Donald's behaviour is handled is a matter for his teacher and his parents and nothing whatsoever to do with you.. If I was Donald's mother I would be pretty irritated to find another parent was discussing my child's problems with the teacher and taking it upon herself to interfere in strategies to regulate his behaviour, giving opinions on what may trigger his behaviour etc - do you honestly think experienced teachers who know this child much better than you do have no clue ? - massive crossing of boundaries on your part.

How would you feel if a random parent went into school and discussed with the teacher how your DD should be disciplined ? Donald isn't a free for all, everyone stick their oar in just because he may have SEN. He is as entitled to his privacy as much as any other child in the class.
You may think you are being thoughtful but it comes over as very patronising.

And reassure your DD that she doesn't have to put up with being hit by anyone.

No young child should ever lose their playtime. The school should manage this a different way,

understand feeling sympathy for the boy and what he is going through, but in my opinion you are not actively showing that you are on your daughters side and her safety (emotional and physical) is your priority.

This, don't teach that there's EVER a reason she should accept being assaulted.

You are way to involved, this is not your child and his management has nothing to do with you - keep out of it, you don't know anything at all about him or the situation ( and nor should you)

just the fact that you are online discussing how you think another child should be managed at school just shows how little you know about the system or the children in it

Let the school do their job, you are in danger of sacrificing your dd’s wellbeing by doing the boy’s parents’ job of advocating for their son.

Juist imagine you and the school develop a management plan for some issue your daughter has. How would you feel about some random other parents getting online to disagree with it, and deciding to tell the school how they think your daughter should be managed

I think the teacher overstepped divulging information about Donald's needs. I agree it doesn't seem like a good idea to take away lunch break but probably better to refocus any discussion about your own child. He may still be getting a movement break just not free play. You could ask in a general way about policy rather than what is happening to Donald perhaps at a later date

YABU. Let the school deal with it - they know the child and evidently believe a mild punishment might help him learn. Also it is not your 5 year old daughter's job to "save" this other child, so she does not need to be running to the teacher to say he has done something nice. Just concentrate on your own child.

Thank you for all the replies! I’m going to leave it.

For those worried I’m too involved, this is only the second time I’ve ever had contact with the school regarding this child and the first was a meeting set up because I was worried DD was being bullied. I haven’t even replied to the teacher for this one, I think sometimes it’s just hard not to feel empathy for other students.

But I’ll just let DD know that the teacher has contacted me and well done for telling the teacher, it was something she struggled with at the beginning so she always just told me!

The class teacher will know how Donald has been with all other DC in his class. He might have had many warnings. You only know about how he has hit your DD in the stomach so the teacher has a better overall picture to decide what is an appropriate punishment.

Your daughter is there to learn, not to be in fear of being hit in the stomach (she was fine this time, may not be next).
Donald is there to learn also, not to be thumping people.
Not sure how effective punishing him the next day will be, but at least they aren't brushing it under the carpet.

This.

You only know about the situation with your daughter, how many other kids has he hit? Stay out of it.

Hi OP,
Agree with previous posters - the school have got this and in the kindest possible way, it’s nothing to do with you.

Three things are on my mind:

1. reinforcing expectations that young girls should make adjustments for the poor behaviour of boys. Previous posters have articulated this better than me but I wanted to add my voice to the mix. There’s a difference between explaining to your DD the reason behind poor behaviour (SEN and unmet need) and reducing/diminishing the sanction.

2. undermining the teachers. You don’t know what’s been going on with Donald other than the interaction with your own child. The school has likely worked with Donald’s parents on a plan; your intervention reeks of interference. I’d be cross if I was trying hard to teach my child a boundary and someone else undermined it.

3. we do some children with additional needs a disservice when we have lower expectations of them. We project confidence in them when we say ‘I think you are worthy and capable of adhering to rules and boundaries and I think you can do it, so I’m going to show you what that looks like’. Taking boundaries and sanctions away from some children with SEN is often more cruel, not less cruel. (Of course that’s not always true in all cases, but nor is the reverse. When we say that SEN is a free pass to behave inappropriately we rob people of the opportunity to learn)

I think teaching empathy is a great skill, and I think it’s brilliant that you are doing this with your DD but would advise not to let the pendulum swing too far the other way

Why are you pandering to the needs of a violent little bully?
you said yourself that he was ‘lashing out at the younger kids in the class’, how strange that he wasn’t lashing out at the ones who were bigger than him. No, it’s clearly just smaller kids and little girls in the year below that he likes to thump.

little shits like him grow up to be big shits who abuse women and people smaller than themselves if they are not firmly taught that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Your daughter needs to be taught that kids like him must never be allowed to bully her or other vulnerable children not encouraged to be nice to him.

it’s just hard not to feel empathy for other students

No it really isn’t - protect your daughter - that’s your job - if she sees you siding with others when she’s clearly the victim, how are you going to react when she really has a problem? Do you think she would tell you about it? You are undermining her confidence in you as her protector.