To tell the school not to punish the child that hit my DD?

[Whatwouldyoudo24]

Okay so not exactly don’t punish him, but that I think their punishment is ridiculous?

DD is 5 (YR1) and in a mixed YR1/YR2 class. This other child (let’s call him Donald) is in YR2 and he had a lot of settling in issues at the beginning of the year and was often lashing out at the younger children in the class.

My daughter came home and told me what was happening so I had a meeting with her teacher where she mentioned that Donald is being assessed for SEN and has had the same teacher in reception and YR1 so understandably was struggling with the transition. The teacher explained the things they were putting in place to minimise any issues and they all seemed reasonable.

Me and my daughter had a conversation about Donald and I said to stay away from him as much as possible and if there were any issues to let the teacher know, but to also highlight any moments where Donald was kind as the teacher said he responded really well to positive praise.

This was in September and all has been fine since, DD has only mentioned the kind things Donald has done. Today she has come home and said he has hit her in the stomach, ‘not really hard but it’s wasn’t very kind and it made her really sad’, she said this happened on the way into assembly as Donald felt like she was too close to him.

Obviously this is not okay, and I was planning on mentioning it to teacher tomorrow so that they could be aware that moving into assembly is obviously overwhelming for Donald so they could maybe have him slightly ahead of the rest of the class to reduce this issue.

This evening I’ve received a message from her teacher saying that DD has told her Donald has hit her in the stomach and that they are taking away his entire lunch break tomorrow, so they ‘have it in hand’.

Personally I think this is ridiculous, obviously it’s not okay that DD was hit but I can’t see how removing the only portion of the day that allows children to release the energy and frustration that builds after hours in a classroom is going to help? I worry that by the afternoon he will be in a position that is very difficult to regulate his emotions and it could lead to many more issues? I also think it’s just cruel to take away a lunch break for a 6 year old child with possible SEN.

I want to reply and say thank you for letting me know the situation, but please don’t remove Donald’s lunch break over something that didn’t leave a mark and DD had gotten past by bedtime. Would this come across as rude? I worry it’ll sound like I’m telling her how to teach when I really am not, I know I couldn’t teach 20 odd 5/6 year olds.

I’m also not saying Donald shouldn’t face some consequences, only that there must be consequences that would fit the situation better and actually work towards solving the problem?

You don't have the full picture. Leave the school to deal with it.

It's good to show compassion and understanding towards "Donald". He is just a little boy and he is still learning. But SEN or no SEN, he does have to learn that he can't behave in that way. The school is trying to help him learn that.

Your dd also needs to learn that it's never ok for someone to be violent towards her...even if they have SEN or some other extenuating circumstances. It is important for her to know that.

Your job is to advocate for your dd, not to tell her to be kind to people who hit her or to advise the teachers on how he's disciplined.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh here. I think your post is very thoughtful. I think that you are right that the punishment is likely to be counterproductive. Whether the teacher will appreciate your input I am not sure. I am also surprised she contacted you to tell you about another child's punishment. Our school would never do that.

Why is the teacher telling you about another child's punishment?

Do not do this! Im an experienced primary school teacher and mother to a kind girl who would be hurt by others at school sometimes

1. Dont come across like you know more than them
2. Don’t let your daughter think it’s ok to be hurt and the punishment not to be too bad because x, y and z. It’s not ok, sad it’s missing his break but you need to leave it. Your daughter needs to know even a little bit is not ok.
3. Explain to your daughter it must be hard that he herds more help with his learning BUT hurting others, with words or physically is never ok, there is no excuse ever

@Doveyouknow surely the only people who have the right information and access to know what is or isn’t likely to be counterproductive are the school and Donald’s parents.

We don’t know Donald’s EHCP, we don’t know his history with other children (except that it’s happened before to younger and smaller kids). We don’t know what other interventions have been tried before this sanction, we don’t know whether he has supportive parents or whether the school are battling on multiple fronts.

There’s empathy, yes, and I think it’s right to feel sadness for Donald and to hope that he’s getting the help he needs. But it’s not OP’s place, or yours, to suggest that we know what is or isn’t right for Donald

If the normal consequence for hitting someone is not followed, that may send the wrong messages to Donald.
I knew a child with ASD who did something wrong at school, but genuinely didn't realise it was wrong because the teacher hadn't moved his name to the sad cloud (or whatever it was). In his eyes, because that hadn't happened, what he did must have been okay!
Consistency can be important.

It’s not for you to worry about Donald. Worry about your own daughter and stop making excuses for aggressive boys/ men

You’re worried your daughter was being bullied by this boy and now you want to intervene and stop behavioural punishments? Have a hard think about what you’re teaching your daughter here.

@Whatwouldyoudo24 You do perhaps need to be better informed about the school’s Behaviour and Sanctions policy. This often covers bullying too. Read about what the school will do when behaviour is unacceptable.

Donald probably is not easy to manage but it’s not up to you to get involved. I would strongly suggest you understand the encouragement DC are given to behave well, as articulated in the policy, and that there are consequences if there’s no improvement. The school is responsible for meeting Donald’s needs though. How they do it, is down to them but always advocate for your own child. Donald’s parents will advocate for him. He may well be assessed for SEN.

I disagree - if parents have opinions about behaviour policies they should question them

Op is right that removing break times mean that children aren't able to regulate - any teacher can tell you of the hell that is their classroom after a wet play

I still remember my mum telling me to be kind to a kid with Down syndrome who used to batter me and a girl whose parents were divorcing who was going after me mentally every day. We're talking early 90s and schools weren't great with any type of difficulty but I never felt listened to or protected by my mum (and life got worse and she still couldn't help me) just a different perspective

Bit harsh, he's what, 6? Not an excuse for hitting but adults labelling him as a violent little shit at such a young age is hardly setting him on a path to become anything other than that

While I think you seem compassionate and caring for Donald, I agree with the consensus on the thread.

I agree with you that playtime being taken away will likely cause more problems later that day, I don't think the teacher will like being called out on that.

I'm glad your little one okay.

Agree. The violent behaviour absolutely needs to be addressed but it's disgusting to describe a 6yo child as a "little shit". It tells you more about the adult that's saying that than it does about the child.

i don’t hu school continue to use this stupid punishment. Everyone suffers then because the child is even less likely to self regulate.
Your DD should be protected by all means but school need to find an appropriate consequence. It’s so lazy

OP I think you have made the right decision not to mention that.

I don't think the teacher should have shared those details so if it comes up in conversation you could do a "honestly you didn't need to give me the details of the punishment, it's none of my business" but I don't think you can put that in an email.

Well done to your daughter for speaking up and seeing the big picture with Donald. She's lucky to have such an insightful mum.

I get you are trying to be kind however your child needs to see that it was wrong she was hit and he is punished.

I agree with you that missing a break the next day may not be the best punishment but schools are rather limited in what they can do. But it is for Donald's parents to take that up with the school if they disagree with it.

Your job is to stand up for your daughter. You can do this by not minimising what happened to her and shrugging it off just because this time it didn't leave a bruise. That doesn't matter, she was still attacked a school. She shouldn't have to put up with it just because her attacker has SEN.

The fact Donald is only targeting the younger kids from the year below suggests he has some element of control here.

God I wish more parents were like you! I’ve taught children who hit and it can be a nightmare to resolve when it’s outside the child’s control due to their particular SEN. I wouldn’t worry too much about the ‘punishment’. He may well be having a nice calm time playing with an adult indoors to help him regulate himself. The child’s behaviour is wrong but that doesn’t make him a bad child. I’m surprised they told you he was being assessed for SEN though - definitely not appropriate to share that with another parent! It’s made me wonder if the teacher is new.

Exclusion is cruel, especially at this age and with his issues. Your idea of easing transitions is spot on. Honestly you have a better grip of the situation than the teacher! She must be overwhelmed. No harm in your suggestion, especially if it helps everyone involved.

Your DD doesn’t need to be telling the teacher when he’s being kind. You will be sending the message that she’s a support human.

He hit her, even if he has a SEN she needs to learn that it’s fine for her to have boundaries and she doesn’t have to run around trying to make his life better at her own expense.

This really isn’t the message you should be sending your DD for her own wellbeing. Stop making her feel like she’s responsible for him and stop acting like it’s not a big deal if a boy hits your DD because she will internalise that.

What happens to the other child isn't your fight that's for his parents.

If the child has asd or adhd losing the lunch break won't matter jot in the long term. next time a child is too close he won't think oh last time I hit someone I lost my lunch break. He will react because he is overwhelmed.

He needs to either be taken separately or stand at the back and be supervised for signs he is struggling. The staff are currently setting him up to fail unless they alter the situation.

Impact of losing the break will depend on how it's managed, if he loses the opportunity to exercise/let off steam he will likely struggle more in the afternoon. If he is fixated on routine he will likely struggle more because he will be disregulated .

Going forward I would tell your dd to be kind to everyone in the class but to give him space unless he asks to play.

Very telling that so many of you are so concerned about this child that the OP freely states only picks on and abuses children younger than him. If he genuinely had SEN he would be punching anyone who annoyed him. I work with children with ASD and they will square up to sixth formers if they are in that frame of mind because they are genuinely dysregulated and not bullies.

children’s behaviour is becoming more and more violent the softer and more pandering the systems are. If all the mindfulness and be kind bullshit actually worked we would be seeing improvements by now.

A fellow teacher who is an NQT summed it up very clearly yesterday ‘I’ve tried to be kind and nice and understanding when they misbehave and are rude and aggressive and they just do it more because they see they can get away with it.’

If you RTFT, you’ll see everyone is telling OP to focus on her own child and not worry about the wellbeing of the child who hit her.

You seem to be reading a different thread to everyone else.