To tell the school not to punish the child that hit my DD?

[Whatwouldyoudo24]

Okay so not exactly don’t punish him, but that I think their punishment is ridiculous?

DD is 5 (YR1) and in a mixed YR1/YR2 class. This other child (let’s call him Donald) is in YR2 and he had a lot of settling in issues at the beginning of the year and was often lashing out at the younger children in the class.

My daughter came home and told me what was happening so I had a meeting with her teacher where she mentioned that Donald is being assessed for SEN and has had the same teacher in reception and YR1 so understandably was struggling with the transition. The teacher explained the things they were putting in place to minimise any issues and they all seemed reasonable.

Me and my daughter had a conversation about Donald and I said to stay away from him as much as possible and if there were any issues to let the teacher know, but to also highlight any moments where Donald was kind as the teacher said he responded really well to positive praise.

This was in September and all has been fine since, DD has only mentioned the kind things Donald has done. Today she has come home and said he has hit her in the stomach, ‘not really hard but it’s wasn’t very kind and it made her really sad’, she said this happened on the way into assembly as Donald felt like she was too close to him.

Obviously this is not okay, and I was planning on mentioning it to teacher tomorrow so that they could be aware that moving into assembly is obviously overwhelming for Donald so they could maybe have him slightly ahead of the rest of the class to reduce this issue.

This evening I’ve received a message from her teacher saying that DD has told her Donald has hit her in the stomach and that they are taking away his entire lunch break tomorrow, so they ‘have it in hand’.

Personally I think this is ridiculous, obviously it’s not okay that DD was hit but I can’t see how removing the only portion of the day that allows children to release the energy and frustration that builds after hours in a classroom is going to help? I worry that by the afternoon he will be in a position that is very difficult to regulate his emotions and it could lead to many more issues? I also think it’s just cruel to take away a lunch break for a 6 year old child with possible SEN.

I want to reply and say thank you for letting me know the situation, but please don’t remove Donald’s lunch break over something that didn’t leave a mark and DD had gotten past by bedtime. Would this come across as rude? I worry it’ll sound like I’m telling her how to teach when I really am not, I know I couldn’t teach 20 odd 5/6 year olds.

I’m also not saying Donald shouldn’t face some consequences, only that there must be consequences that would fit the situation better and actually work towards solving the problem?

YABU unless you’re also Donald’s mother show some loyalty to your kid and don’t teach her to put up and shut up cause some kid has “needs”

@AtrociousCircumstance spot on

Maybe you need to have your daughters back here. Where will you draw the line? How may times and how bad the injury before you expect to stand up for your daughter?

punishments dont work on SEN children. A mainstream school isn't a suitable environment which is why they're acting out, regular teachers don't have any of trainings to understand neurodiverse children

The OP demonstrates that it is very easy to see trigger points for SEN DC (like standing too close when lining up) and very easy to come up with a solution that will prevent the SEN DC becoming overwhelmed and behave in a manner that impacts on the safety and well being of non-SEN classmates.

The real question is why that doesn't happen. The answer is funding and the length of time it takes to procure it. Realistically the SEN should be well understood at this point and 1:1 and social skills, social stories be in place. We are told mainstream can meet needs. Unfortunately the SEN budget is likely to be used for catch up learning to improve school stats. It is passing the buck and cheaper to use ineffective punishment of SEN DC and fail to safeguard their classmates. It sows division where the SEN DC are branded as violent little shits but fails to support them or provide access to alternative education such as special schools where more appropriate or safeguard classmates.

It is soul destroying for parents and damaging for DC when support is not put in place with inevitable results. Sometimes this happens deliberately so that the school can document need for additional funding. This is especially the case when DC are being 'assessed' ...

We need special schools. Too
many were closed on the mantra of “inclusion” in mainstream schools. It’s not acceptable for all the Dc in mainstream school to have Dc there who simply cannot cope. It’s not safe for the majority. Primary schools do exclude and there are primary prus. There’s not enough training for school staff either but some dc really should not be in mainstream schools.

Regular teachers don't have any of trainings to understand neurodiverse children - we do, but arguably not enough.
Yet again, this all comes down to funding. There are too many children with SEN without appropriate support and too many classmates getting hurt on a daily basis. It is currently the saddest part of my job that I can’t guarantee children’s safety in my classroom, it’s absolutely appalling.

Thank the teacher but also question whether taking away the whole of his lunch is reasonable.

They may have very good reasons for doing it this way and ultimately it is their call.

This. You've spent your entire post on showing how kind you are towards Donald but not acknowledging that it's your dd who you advocate for? What message are you sending to your dd? It's ok because it didn't leave a mark, think about that for a second.

I am glad you’re going to let the school deal with it. Hope your DD is ok.

This! I would be really annoyed to find out another parent was discussing what sort of punishment was appropriate for my child with the teacher.

Honestly I'm amazed they even told you the punishment, I thought they were just meant to notify you of the situation and advise it was being handled.

This!

Couldn't put it any better.

YABU for not going straight in to school and demanding information on what provisions they are putting in place to keep your child safe. If all parents complain about this child, more will be done. SEN or not, he can't be allowed to get away with this terrible behaviour!

Hello everyone, thank you for so many replies!

Firstly I’m not concerned about whether my DD feels like I protect her, when she told me we had an entire conversation about how it’s never okay to hit, we discussed how she felt about the situation and I explained that I would speak to the teacher first thing in the morning to make sure something is done to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

My plan was to speak to the teacher at drop off, and I hadn’t even considered mentioning consequences because they’re a school, naturally they would have consequences in place. But I wanted to make sure they were aware of the situation and the circumstances surrounding it because otherwise it would happen again, regardless of any consequences. Donald and my DD always walk into assembly together because of where their names are in the register and if they don’t make a change there she will be put in the same position. This would be unfair on my DD and unfair on Donald.

My concern with the message is that it was only mentioning a punishment that could very well make the situation worse for my daughter and mentioned nothing about how they would ensure DD and Donald wouldn’t be put in the same position.

I have decided I am still going to talk to the teacher next week, I still won’t mention the punishment but I want to know DD have told them why it happened so they can make adjustments to keep everyone safe.

Regarding if I should know any of this information, I honestly don’t think I should. But I didn’t ask for the information, from what I can tell I wasn’t the first parent to have concerns about Donald and I think the teacher was just overwhelmed, it doesn’t make it okay and I haven’t passed the information on to any other parent. I also hadn’t even mentioned the incident as I wanted to speak face to face when she messaged to tell me about the punishment.

This will be my final reply about the situation as I am happy viewing this situation differently than a lot of people, and have taken on board that the punishment is not my concern.

Thanks again for so many diverse replies, it’s really appreciated.

I think the school are incredibly unprofessional to be telling you all about Donald's needs!

But I do think they know the children best and to leave them to it

You are telling the teacher how to do her job? Wind your neck in !! NOT YOUR BUSINESS

The sanction should be that he has to line up with a teacher, I agree with you taking away his lunch isn’t relevant to the incident and if he is ND it just won’t help the situation.