To feel we get no privacy from adult dc

[northernroots]

We have an ASD son who is 23 and is unlikely to ever move out he's even said so and that's fine with us.
He lives quite independently in that he works, drives and can cook and clean but he doesn't cope well on his own and is mentally more like a teenager.

He has no friends and never goes out except to work when we're all out.
He sits with us all evening on the sofa between us in the middle so if dh and I want to chat it's always around him or he answers for us.

He is always listening to every conversation and chipping in and he doesn't go to bed until we do.
If we go out he comes along and 99% of the time it's absolutely fine, we both know and accept he's only got us and doesn't go out alone.
I just feel frustrated that we have no privacy, no time together to actually be a married couple or a conversation or even a snuggle on the sofa.

He obviously does have his own bedroom but he doesn't go in it unless it's bedtime, he just never has.
He's very oblivious to this of course and just saying go and be in your bedroom would not make sense to him and he'd be very put out.

I'd just say "shift up over to that chair there love so I can cuddle up to your dad". How would that go down?

I'm surprised it's taken you so long to get fed up of this, you must be very patient! I regularly shift the kids out the way to cuddle up to their dad.

Also, are there are groups he could join for other young adults? Either those with ASD or just groups that align with any of his other interests?

Could you and DH go out for dinner or even have a night/weekend away? What sort of work does DS do?

This is a tough one, would he work with some structured time alone, so for example on Saturday afternoons, Dad & I are going for a coffee just us. We won’t be more than two hours and on Wednesday night, we’re going to start having date night (could be dinner alone or out for example). First few times might be hard for him to understand but hopefully he would settle into the routine.

If we go out he comes along and 99% of the time it's absolutely fine

So if you said one evening "DS, we're off out for dinner, we'll probably be back around 10, see you later", what would happen?

Please forgive me for my uneducated response on your post. I don’t have a child with ASD so what I comment may not be relevant.

First of all your feelings are valid and of course no matter how much you love your son, you do need your privacy.

Second, If he is able to drive, clean, cook, if he is able to go to work (and I say this as someone who doesn’t know what your son does) - and interact with others etc, and follow work procedures. Can he not understand being asked for a bit of privacy? He seems like he understands quite a lot and has many skills.

There are groups and we've encouraged before but he's very anxious and feels socially awkward so he's only comfortable with us.

I know you've said you're happy with him living with you but have you considered approaching the local authority about supported living?

It might be a better option for him longer term if he has independent skills but maybe needs a bit of support managing a tenancy, building social skills and meeting people.

That sounds suffocating op.

How would he react if you told him you and DH needed some alone time or were going out for a meal together etc. Would ge understand why this was necessary?

If you sat next to your DH on the couch, would he sit somewhere else or expect one of you to move? Have you ever asked him to move?

You say he will always need to live with you so you need a long term solution. Is there any chance of either rearranging your own home, or eventually moving so that he has separate living quarters?

Get a TV in your bedroom.. Go up an hour earlier and watch TV together.
*4 teens here 1 with ASD...
Never had a TV on our room until Covid hit...
We sometimes sneak a take away up too!

Have you thought about what will happen when you and DH aren't around any more? In your position I'd have this in mind and be trying to encourage him to have some sort of social contact outside the house.

I'd start looking at assisted living possibilities.

Imagine a child that goes to school and then comes home to the family, he's fine at work because he's got a routine and lots of support but he come home and needs his family and hasn't grown up mentally so is still as a teen that sits at home with mum and dad because he always has.
He is intelligent so he can drive because he really wanted to so was able to hyper focus on learning to drive and sucseed but for example couldn't figure out money to pay bills and has very little social skills so although he's comfortable with family, he couldn't go to the shop and cope with strangers as he finds it all stressful.

I'd explain you and dh would like some time as a couple so on a Saturday night could he hang out in his room from 9pm.

@northernroots are there no charities that can support with that? Or even the groups you mentioned earlier...would they let you come along for a bit to help build his confidence and then you drop off a bit.

If you mentioned that to your son (that you'll go to provide support initially but that he needs to work on the social aspect cos you won't always be around) how would he react?

How did he get his job? That was new once too.

I think you need to try and explain to him how you would like things to change.

I understand what you've said about his mental age, but if he is able to cope at work and even drive, then he can learn to cope with mum and dad sitting together on the sofa, and occasionally going out without him. It will help to build up his resilience and independence.

I agree the groups would be ideal for him, even just to meet new friends but he is strong willed and doesn't want to try.
I think he has tried in the past and been rejected and feels family is where he belongs and yes I very much worry that I won't be here forever and it's a huge worry.

He'd assume he was coming and then feel very rejected and wonder why we didn't want him there.

I know that your concern now is lack of privacy for you and your DH, but you really need to start looking at getting him into supported living.

I have an adult DS who has autism and mental health issues. My main worry has always been what will happen to him when I die.

Luckily he is within the system and although he has not always settled in his various placements, I know if I was run over by a bus, he has professionals to support him.

So you need to start planning now not only for you to get your privacy back, but also so he can eventually live independently, or in supported housing.

Maybe if some of your support was removed in gradual stages, he would learn to adapt with the help of others.

If he's capable of driving/going out to work he should be able to cope with an evening in the house while you go out for a drink/meal/chat.

Have you looked into any social groups locally for him?

I think you need to sit him down and explain that you need some alone time.

You are NOT helping him. He won’t ever want a change if he can continue sitting between you on the sofa. If anything he will become even more set in his ways. It’s not good, he is only 23 and you are allowing this to become his life, not to mention yours.

What about doing a social story, and preparing him mentally for you to go out once a week. Gradually, introduce the idea that he isn't coming with you, and then just go out. He may be a bit hurt, but he will get used to it and it will become a new routine for him.

Apologies, didn't see your updates about the groups but I would still persevere with carving out some time for yourself, whether he will be put out or not. His needs don't automatically top trump yours.

Start with one night out a week. You really need to do this.