To feel we get no privacy from adult dc

[northernroots]

We have an ASD son who is 23 and is unlikely to ever move out he's even said so and that's fine with us.
He lives quite independently in that he works, drives and can cook and clean but he doesn't cope well on his own and is mentally more like a teenager.

He has no friends and never goes out except to work when we're all out.
He sits with us all evening on the sofa between us in the middle so if dh and I want to chat it's always around him or he answers for us.

He is always listening to every conversation and chipping in and he doesn't go to bed until we do.
If we go out he comes along and 99% of the time it's absolutely fine, we both know and accept he's only got us and doesn't go out alone.
I just feel frustrated that we have no privacy, no time together to actually be a married couple or a conversation or even a snuggle on the sofa.

He obviously does have his own bedroom but he doesn't go in it unless it's bedtime, he just never has.
He's very oblivious to this of course and just saying go and be in your bedroom would not make sense to him and he'd be very put out.

Meetups.com do groups for social anxiety and plenty of people in the groups I've been to have ASD and ADHD.

A pp suggested phrasing it as a ROMANTIC meal out. That sounds like it would be clear explanation. And a way to differentiate between FAMILY meal out without him feeling unwelcome or excluded.
Do you or you DH have the time or energy for your own seperate hobbies? That might also help model socialising /leisure activities.
And (also suggested by a pp) maybe do something just him and you and also just DH and you, even if its a 60 minute walk round the block on a Sunday morning.
Are there any social groups specifically for adults with learning disabilities in your area? Ideally with a wide range of members so DS more likely to find a peer group? They might hold open events, where one of you can go with DS to support him, and activity-based things - eg bowling. The coordinator of groups like that would also be able to support and help: your DS wont be the only person who's been anxious about meeting people. Im not minimising how difficult getting him out socialising could be, but having some social network outside of immediate family is a realistic goal.

First of all I think it’s brilliant that he has a job. And can drive and can clean. My brother ( probably) has ASD and is in the process of being diagnosed in his mid 50s. Our DPs are dead and apart from one disastrous year at university he never left home. He had a major breakdown after dad died and I have had to get mental health, social services etc involved from scratch, he ended up being sectioned and a year later is still in mental health rehab, I am really nervous about him coming home ( he inherited the family home but can’t really maintain it).
I do think that getting your DS used to you doing things without him would be beneficial, and also linking him in with outside agencies ( befriender, social services, drop in centre, social prescriber via the GP , whatever) , so there is structure and habituation for him in doing things outside the family. It’s really scary but of course as happens to us all, one day his parents wont be there anymore and if he has something of a network outside the family that will be a huge asset.

Can you explain it like "Dad is taking me out for a date tonight, we will be home around 11" instead of "We are going out for dinner as a family, without you"? This might help him realise that you are a romantic couple, and not just his relatives?

Contact adult social services. You aren’t helping him here. I know it’s difficult but this isn’t healthy.

You could ask around about it now, you will need a social worker and there might be a waiting list. Once you get a social worker, you may then find there is another waiting list for an actual supported living house/flat.

It is one of the hardest decisions to make, I'm still coming to terms with it.

It all happened fairly quickly for me though as I ended up in carer breakdown (single parent) too many years of doing it on my own and having no life of my own to speak of, along with raising two other children it all got too much.

I was referred to social services in October last year and was placed in the urgent queue, but it took until March to be assigned one, he moved out in May, pretty quick for my area but luckily a vacancy turned up at the right time, and we were a priority.

I think we will be in this position in a few years time.

My plan is to hopefully "upsize' to a townhouse type home and to set up the basement as a 2 bed flat where DC can live with a lodger who will pay rent and hopefully be a bit of company and me and DH have the upper two floors and can be on-hand but less claustrophobic. Not sure if it will be possible but it's what I am working towards.

What plans have you got for him for the future?

I hate to say it, but you won't always be there

Does your DS not have any special interests - gaming, music, art, trains, drama - most autistic kids have special interests. He needs focus away from his family. My ASD teens special interests have changed over time and one will end up as his uni degree course and two others are his major hobbies. We’ve spent a lot of time trying to develop these as we understand that they are the route to a fulfilling life as an autistic person. Both parents autistic so maybe that helps.

Watch some of the romantic autistic Netflix series to teach him more about romance.

He needs new routines that involve other people. You need to set him up with a life that he can eventually lead without you.

Tv and small sofa in your room possible to make a private sitting room?

Just a thought. One day you will be older and it may happen that he will need to live on his own. I just wondered if it might be a good idea to try and gradually get him used to being a bit more independent so that this does not all hit him like a bomb at some point on the future.

He definitely is in the right place, neurodiversity aside, many many 23yo still live at home with their parents.

I do think you should start prepping for it now though, even if it is a couple of years away he needs to be fully ready, or him moving out won't work. That said, it also can't harm for you and your husband to start spending time with each other without him there, and he will be able to accept that if it is explained to him.

I'm autistic. My advice would be tell him nicely and compassionately but bluntly that you want time just you and your husband because you are married and a marriage needs couple time as well as family time. Make it very clear you are not rejecting him you are craving time as a couple.

You obviously have a very good relationship with him and I'm sure if he understands this is not about him and not his fault or any type of rejection he would make the effort. Phrase it as your needs of he's used to talk about his needs?

And giving him set times you will be out for a date and which tv program you would like to snuggle up and watch alone will help

So there some where else in your house that could be an area for him with a sofa and tv so you get some privacy so he doesn't have to go to bed so to speak

Ds lives with us but he hangs out in the extension

We don’t know his needs like you do OP. However I can tell you as an 18 year old autistic woman, I was essentially agoraphobic as the outside world overwhelmed me so much. I couldn’t work or drive. My mam got a partner. She was (and still is!) my best friend. But I needed to learn to make my life my own and no one makes growth while being so comfortable.

I had to be uncomfortable for a while. I had to figure out my own stuff. He could be capable of more than you know. Start doing your own thing. Set boundaries. If anything you are doing him a disservice from being quite so enabling.

I think it’s a big leap from needing some time alone with your DH to suggesting supported living (as in other posters suggesting this, not you Op).

I know right?! And YOU WON'T BE HERE FOREVER YOU KNOW at a 44yo.

Maybe give the OP a chance to try and tackle some of these issues first?! Her son actually sounds pretty independent apart from the social side.

Crikey, I get fed up when my partner's there all the time, let alone my child as well.

It sounds very difficult for you, and I imagine it's got harder as he's got older and 'bedtime' is the same time as yours now - at least parents of younger children get some respite after they've gone down.

No advice I'm afraid but lots of good wishes for what it's worth.

"How does breastfeeding a baby encourage independence? Surely it promotes dependence on another adult?"

It's called age- and ability-appropriate support. For an autistic eight-year-old, one-to-one might be necessary. Hopefully it can be dialled back as the child gets older. If not, at least the child is used to having someone other than the parents doing the supporting.

OP your son is very lucky to have you looking after him. Hope you come up with a good plan.

Does he have any siblings who could maybe take him out for dinner/drinks/round to their house/etc once or twice a month for a few hours so that you can have a few hours to yourselves.

He does have a special interest which is history, and old cars, he likes 60s,70s music and lifestyle.

He needs a group hobby, you mention history, perhaps he could go to meetings of the local history group? That gets mates for him and time for you, win all round.

A couple I know with an autistic adult child pay other young adults to take her out to the cinema and other short trips. She found them by asking a local care home if anyone was interested in some extra work in the evenings.

I just wanted to say it’s amazing that he is doing so well with work and driving etc. You are obviously doing a fab job. I wonder if there is autism type social groups nearby. I know it’s hard as a parent of a child with asd. But could you plan in advance a night out maybe just once a month to start? Then build up from there.