To feel we get no privacy from adult dc

[northernroots]

We have an ASD son who is 23 and is unlikely to ever move out he's even said so and that's fine with us.
He lives quite independently in that he works, drives and can cook and clean but he doesn't cope well on his own and is mentally more like a teenager.

He has no friends and never goes out except to work when we're all out.
He sits with us all evening on the sofa between us in the middle so if dh and I want to chat it's always around him or he answers for us.

He is always listening to every conversation and chipping in and he doesn't go to bed until we do.
If we go out he comes along and 99% of the time it's absolutely fine, we both know and accept he's only got us and doesn't go out alone.
I just feel frustrated that we have no privacy, no time together to actually be a married couple or a conversation or even a snuggle on the sofa.

He obviously does have his own bedroom but he doesn't go in it unless it's bedtime, he just never has.
He's very oblivious to this of course and just saying go and be in your bedroom would not make sense to him and he'd be very put out.

@Younghearts I agree with most of your post. I think OP Son literally is unaware and it's awkward as OP has let this go on too long. Plus side though he absolutely is able... to some extent if he holds down a job he's just not used to it. I would just say "your dad is taking me out on a date just the 2 of us as a special treat see you at 10 when we get back".

I agree that helping him to understand romantic relationships a bit more is a good step. Maybe there is a film or a series in which a married couple benefit from spending some time alone. It might put him out a little to begin with but I don't think that's reason enough to never have any time as a couple.

Does he ever go anywhere just with you or his dad, leaving the other one out? Would doing things like this help him to understand that doing things as a pair doesn't mean that you dislike the third person's company, but that it's nice to just be in a pair sometimes?

@northernroots this is so tough.
I would really worry about how he would cope if something happened to you both and eventually when it does.

I think you need to force him to be more independent and create a circle or hobbies for himself as it's in his own best interests

It;s OK for him to be uncomfortable sometimes. Really. It happens to everyone, and understanding that you will be uncomfortable sometimes and that's OK is a life skill he can only benefit from learning.

Tackle little things one at a time with love and care, and you will all be fine.

This is a brilliant idea, thank you

I am guessing that there are no siblings, but does he have a similar age cousin, or child of a friend, who would go out with him for an evening? Visit to the pub (don't know if he would be ok with that if with someone he knew), cinema, football match, a walk? Not only to give you some time just with DH, but also to give him some company of his own age.

Hi, I have a son with ASD but he's only 8. However, I can totally see how this could happen for us too. That makes me worried as DS can be aggressive and he's only going to get bigger. We're doing everything we can to support him (1 to 1 at school after a long battle, therapy, tutoring to help him as he's behind in his learning, trying to socialise him as much as we can - this last one is the hardest) in the hope he can live an independent life when he's older. Or at least semi independent.
Does your son see the point of having friends? Would he like some? It feels as if you and your husband are his world and that he's both comfortable with the situation and also scared of socialising outside the home.
How about meetups /days out /coffee with other ASD adults in the area? They might exist (they do round our way) and you could contact one of the organisers /facilitators to see how your son can be supported in accessing those. If he has his own social life, he might accept you need one with your husband a bit more. It will do him good too.
Sorry about being nosey but what job does he do? It's pretty amazing considering ASD adults are the disabled group the least likely to have a job.

I understand how hard it is to get supported living..we are working towards that with social serices and our son who is a similar age but more complex needs. We are a lot older than OP and need to plan for his future. My son wants this too. We have always been clear to our son that we all need our own space. He will say 'I know you need mum and dad time' and will happily watch TV in his room at the end of the evening. I can imagine that because your son can work and drive that there will be a lot less support. I would investigate charities, I would talk to social services - they might fund a few hours of a key worker to get him out of the house. You do need to think about moving forward if only slowly.

You need to start building up to him being left. Start with a meal out without him. Build to a weekend away. Then a weeks holiday. He has a job, he can drive. He absolutely can look after himself. He just needs the tools and the support to enable him to do it

Never going to move out? And you're ok with that? As in until you and DH are very old in your 80s+ you're 'going to be fine with that'.
Trust me, OP, you won't be ok with that. He's 23 now still very young. But you will feel differently in 20 years time! If the stress hasn't killed you before!

He needs a place of his own, even if its a place built on the side of your house. And a Mentor type helper/buddy to take him to places. Sooner the better then he will be in a better place for the time when he needs to be.

I'm surprised he doesn't want to spend time in his room playing computer games - isn't that what most teenage / young adult boys enjoy doing for hours on end? Does he have a games console etc?

Agree he also needs to understand that you need 'you' time. Time to schedule some date nights and give him plenty of advance warning (and put it on the calendar).

Oh OP - I do feel for you. I also have a lovely DS with a developmental delay and is definitely ASD. Also a DSS with similar symptoms so we do feel that we will have them home for a long time, both currently mid to late teens. Lucky for us they both love their gaming so often in their bedrooms and we do have every other weekend free as they are with their other parent.

I agree as someone has said, having the visual that each night has a set routine/purpose might work and give you and DH some time together

Sending you lots of hugs x

I completely understand. We have a very similar situation here, in fact your life sounds like mine.

In the last few years we have started finding excuses to go out together more. Initially for a drink or a film in a place they don’t like and we’ve used that to gradually leave them at home for the odd night. We get lots of phone calls and messages but 12 hours in a hotel room has been a marriage saver!

I think you need to gently push him to being more independent.

Have you considered getting a pet so you are a four rather than a three?

Could the you and/or DH start going to a class/hobby/exercise group together and then drop out when the time is right? Or get him involved in a charity activity.

Could you start off small by saying that you’ll be having dinner alone with the kitchen door closed a couple of nights a week? With the long term view that you build up to a date night.

Do you have a spare bedroom?
If so maybe consider changing it to a second sitting room. Then make it a regular thing that you use it, or DH, or both of you as a change of scenery or to read quietly. Encourage DS to do something on his own, watch tv or play on a games console.
Just to break the routine of all sitting together to watch tv.

This is how it works in our house if we have adult DC at home.

That would drive me mad. You need to set new boundaries.

What will happen when you die? He has to get used to being without you. I’d start by saying, every Friday we’re going out for a date night. You’ll be staying in the house. Take it from there.

I have an adult son with asd and learning disabilities who is unlikely to ever leave home.
I absolutely understand the 'stubborn ' attitude and the extreme anxiety, but this is only going to get worse.
My son has empathy when things are carefully and repeatedly explained. Adult couples need time together and young adults should be having fun with other young adults. If you explained it from the perspective of you need him to do this stuff too, so you know he'll be able to be okay when you can't look after him anymore.
I think you need to arrange regular things as a couple, a romantic dinner for 2 is absolutely okay or a regular evening activity like a pub quiz or dance class that you do as a couple.
I understand I really do, my son doesn't go to bed until late and sometimes wants to chat all night, but he's also ised to us gling out without him and he has his own life too.
My son attends evening groups for people with asd and ld, he also has a befriender. A lot of young people start off going to the groups with a parent or carer before they go it alone. My son has a part time job, his friend with asd drives, but they both need huge support with socialising.
Honestly when my son was at secondary school I would never have dreamed he'd have a friend he could invite to the pub for his birthday, but now he has 3. His friends' parents say they can't believe it either. I really think exclusively ld/asd groups are a lot 'safer' than other activities and are such a good opportunity to meet peers.
He needs these opportunities just as much as you do, if he tried in the past, he obviously wanted to, just now feels to scared to.

My guess is he's oblivious to what you need and expect.
Watch some romantic films with him, and say to your husband 'When are we going to spend some time together like that?' And plan an event, a meal out, a night away, there and then.

It seems like you are over protecting him which is not doing him any favours. What is going to happen when you are not around?

I think you should encourage a bit more independence, build up slowly on it.

I appreciate I don’t have experience with people with ASD but hopefully you can get advice or join a support group with people in similar situation.

How does having 1:1 in school encourage independence? Surely it promotes dependence on another adult?

You're not doing him any favours if he is never to feel 'put out' or rejected, we even teach our toddlers that the world isn't just about them. Life isn't full of positives!!

He might be too old for this or find it condescending, but have you thought of social stories and getting him to understand your need for privacy and how that feels for you?

So many people on here have given such great advice, I will be sure to take up and I feel so grateful for the understanding and support, I'm so glad I posted as there's so much to think about and so much I hadn't thought about, it's been really eye opening. Thank you everyone.