To feel we get no privacy from adult dc

[northernroots]

We have an ASD son who is 23 and is unlikely to ever move out he's even said so and that's fine with us.
He lives quite independently in that he works, drives and can cook and clean but he doesn't cope well on his own and is mentally more like a teenager.

He has no friends and never goes out except to work when we're all out.
He sits with us all evening on the sofa between us in the middle so if dh and I want to chat it's always around him or he answers for us.

He is always listening to every conversation and chipping in and he doesn't go to bed until we do.
If we go out he comes along and 99% of the time it's absolutely fine, we both know and accept he's only got us and doesn't go out alone.
I just feel frustrated that we have no privacy, no time together to actually be a married couple or a conversation or even a snuggle on the sofa.

He obviously does have his own bedroom but he doesn't go in it unless it's bedtime, he just never has.
He's very oblivious to this of course and just saying go and be in your bedroom would not make sense to him and he'd be very put out.

I agree supported living may have to be the long term goal, I'm just battling with guilt because he's still quite young and when I spoke to him he said he'd rather live with his family than with strangers. I'm only 44 so I do feel he's in the right place at the moment.

I think if he can go out to work with you, then he can manage a couple of hours at home without you. You could start off just be going out for a coffee and building it up.
It’s ok to explain to him that as a couple you need time alone together. A primary aged child would understand this so there’s no reason when he shouldn’t. He might not like it at first but it will soon become the norm.
I also don’t think it’s good to be protecting him from all situations that make him feel uncomfortable. This is how we learn and build resilience, even for those with learning difficulties.

That sounds tough my son is ASD he is 22 and doesn't really have any friends he has a part time job but his hours have dwindled lately and he has found that hard. He does have groups that he goes too though they are with old people but he still enjoy them. He also focused really hard to pass his test. I am very lucky that he does do a lot of his own thing but on his own. I feel guilty about that sometimes. Then I remember how far he has come from that 5 year old that started school and I never thought we would get through it. You will find a way I think it's time to be a little firmer. Maybe try to position yourselves differently on the sofa or start a hobby just you and your DH he will accept in time I am sure.

Does he understand romantic relationships? As in they're different from friendships and family relationships? What would happen if you told him you'd like to go for a romantic dinner with your dh? Would he understand that ‘romantic’ is just for the two of you and not him?

I think you and your dh should institute a regular routine date night when you go out for 2-3hrs same night every week. You guys can vary what you do but as far as your ds is concerned it will be a regular routine.

This is great advice.
It’s perfectly reasonable to explain that you need romantic time. You can even gross him out by talking about how you want to kiss and hug your husband without his son watching. That’ll soon have him running to his room 😂

Great advice!

I agree, I'm probably making him too comfortable to avoid him feeling uncomfortable.

I have two boys with asd. Can't you build routine into your relationship (I know that's not super romantic) but maybe say.... son once a month I am having a night out with dad. That's what I have to do. And they accept it.... or I kiss him.... that gets them leaving the room :)

Social cues are usually hard to conceive, and as someone with autism it can feel like a slight or a personal flaw when someone points it out.

It can feel humiliating, but also very othering and in a lot of autism cases emotions are felt much more intensely and it can lead to meltdowns.

I don't know if this is the case for OPs son, but it's also hard for me to let things go. I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes, and have a very particular set of rules I feel people should live by and when it doesn't go that way, it's hard to mask how it makes me feel.

That said, as an adult we're all responsible for our own actions and reactions and Op and her husband should be afforded privacy and intimacy so being upset may not be avoidable, which it isn't always and that's ok.

Op, you need to speak bluntly, and assert your boundaries.

Ideally you'd have just had firm boundaries all his life regarding this but you can't turn back time so no time like the present.

He understands relationships, he often says he fancies this person or that but he doesn't like dh and I kissing, that would create an ewww get a room reaction, little does he know we'd quite like to.

I would also recommend a calendar on the wall OP, where you can say on this day we can be together, and on this day we'll have a family games night and on this night dad and I will be busy and on this night dad is going to do his hobby and on this night mum is doing her hobbies and have a visual reminder

But all teenagers and young adults think that!
My son will mention girls he likes but would NOT want to think of his parents kissing or... worse!

It sounds like you’ve prioritised DS and done a great job in making him feel very secure and loved. But…. you are going to have to upset him at some point because your happiness is just as important as his. In the very long term he needs to prepare for life without you.

OP,

I know this is really tough and my heart goes out to your entire family. But ultimately I agree that not having a private relationship with your DH does no one, including DS, any favours.

In the kindest way, none of us knows what the future holds and you cannot know how long DS will have you. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless, to increase his comfort in the world are important.

He can certainly start by getting used to the idea that you and his DF might like to show a different sort of affection than one practises with their DC, whilst watching TV with him. Learning comfort with this is really no different from what most children go through at a young age. Most of them are jealous; it’s just that we as a society have studied and normalised this and even find their intense feelings ‘cute’. In a young adult, not so much but better late than never.

I know the long term adjustments will be challenging, but perhaps one if the things DS needs from you is a sense of confidence? Best wishes for all of you

Could you take advantage of this a bit OP? Tell him “Dad and I are going on a date together on Saturday. Would you like takeaway or shall I put x in the fridge for you?” If you play up you’re going for a romantic date he might be happy staying at home!

You need to encourage him to make some friends because you won’t always be around and this isn’t healthy. He would probably like to meet a partner too. Perhaps a hobby group or something like tabletop gaming where people meet in person.

I have two children, 11&13 and I tell them, me and your dad want some time together. Yes they are occasionally put out but that's part of learning to live as adults. Even if he has the mentality of a teenager, that should be old enough to cope with that feeling occasionally. My two are also ASD so I do understand where you are coming from.

Could you arrange to meet at lunch time? Or arrange to take an annual leave dsy and not tell him?

Tbh sometimes I tell my 4 year old he needs to go to bed because grown ups need time on their own never mind my 12 year old. I don't know of any teens that spend the majority of the evening watching TV with their parents, most live on their phones/ xbox or out with friends by 14 to 15ish.

Got to love the ableism. Fwiw no because someone 'handles' work does not mean they 'should' do something like understand others need for time together. 🙄Stop telling people they 'should' fit into your narrow expectations, they're not you, life is not the same for others

You can help him by arranging supported living accommodation for your DS. One day you won't be here and he needs to build up some resilience to cope more on his own.

To everyone saying get him into supported living.. do you know how hard that is to do?

I think you just need to say to him that dad and I have been talking and we need to spend one night a month on a date. Get him a takeaway or something. I’m sure he can cope being alone for a few hours. You need to prioritise yourselves too. Or go to bed earlier too, at least then you can spent a bit of time together in bed

Then let him be "put out", OP.

You are (quite reasonably) put out now. Let him be (unreasonably) put out once in a while.

Next time he tells you to get a room, reply, "Yes, we'd like a bit of quality time just the two of us to focus on our marriage. We'll have the living room to ourselves on Tuesdays and Fridays, thanks."