Sister has started shoplifting

[Ahhifollowifollowyoudeepseababy]

She says it happened by accident at first, her young dc was in the front of the shopping trolley, her large bag in the actual trolley. Some items forgotten under the bag as she went through the cashier bit, loading the other things and rushing about, trying to pack and stop her dc from messing about/facing a tantrum. She says she realised afterwards that there were items under her bag, she said this happened a couple of times and now she can’t help but casually now put some things under the bag, face creams, meat etc. She’s a professional, degree educated early 40’s woman, they are ok financially but finding things harder. What will happen to her if caught? Why can’t she seem to stop now? She’s never been in trouble for anything in her life, it’s very out of character for her. She claims if caught, she’ll say it’s by accident and she didn’t realise when sorting her dc out.

I think the self scan tills have led to a lot more shoplifting from people who would never have dreamed of doing it before.

Police don't care about theft under £200 and shop workers aren't allowed to chase after thieves to retrieve stolen items in case they're assaulted so really there's little anyone can do except try to ban her from the store.

Not that it excuses her behaviour of course. Deplorable.

Ah, right - thanks for clarifying.

Yes, I expect this is the course of action they'll most likely take: once they know you're a thief, they'll have your photo or identifying details up at the security point next to the entrance - then simply stop you from entering in the first place.

A shop isn't a public place in the fullest sense of being somewhere that everybody has a right to be. They exist to make money, hence they want as many actual honest shoppers to come in freely; but if they see a person whom they know will represent a loss to their profits, they are perfectly at liberty to deny them entry.

Even if you're not ever prosecuted, unless you specifically travel away from home to do your shoplifting, I imagine it must be extremely limiting if there's an ever-growing list of local shops that you are barred from entering. What if your friend asks if you can pop in with them or urges you to buy something from there that's on a great offer and they know you use frequently?

Maybe if you socialise as part of a criminal underclass, you'd just shrug and say "I'm banned from there for nicking stuff", but if you have any self-respect (or at least would like friends, family and associates to think that you have), it must surely be phenomenally embarrassing to have to admit that you're not allowed in your area's main/only supermarket.

A few months ago I saw a woman push a big block of cheese in her child's buggy under a blanket. I just thought she must be really desperate to do that. She saw I'd seen her and hurried away.

Encourage her to seek some help from her GP. I remember years ago the TV chef Anthony Worral Thompson was caught shoplifting and spoke quite openly about why he did it. It sounds like your sister may be doing the same and seeking some excitement.

Shoplifting is not unusual. If she’s caught and is a middle class mother saying oh gosh sorry I was sorting dc our, chances are, first time, they would let her out for stuff and no drama. I walked out of sainsburys the other day and the cashier had forgotten to take the tag off my leg of lamb, I did not take receipt and the security guard was like ‘whatever, no problem if you say you paid you paid’. So 🤷‍♀️

Lol.‘it’s pretty normal to have a ‘don’t grass on your family’ rule!

Yes, and Winona Ryder was caught shoplifting.

People with bipolar disorder are susceptable as it's an impulsive thrill-seeking behaviour. If she can't stop it's an addictive behaviour. I'd discuss with her how she'd feel if her children/ their friends found out when they were older. It's the kind of thing a middle-class kid would be teased for (your mum's a klepto kinda thing). The thought of that long-term issue would be more off-putting than the embarrassment at a till for me.

My mum's well-off friend was once caught shop-lifting. The fall-out was awful, her job and marriage both were lost and her kids were so embarrassed. It was a small town and they were older kids. Her husband just felt he didn't know who she was. It was very sad. This was 25+ years ago. These days the family would be more likely to think about why it happened, mental health etc. I'd imagine. But it's still the sort of thing that could rock a family and make it hard to instill values in your kids as they get older.

Yes!

Also pretty normal to have a 'generally don't grass' rule. See all, hear all, say nowt!

But that's only going to work once, possibly twice in each shop. They'll quickly get wise to you if you continually make 'genuine mistakes', however well-dressed and well-spoken you might be.

Mental health is not an excuse to do what you feel like

Talk to the shop.

Ask them to confront her and request that she stops stealing immediately or the Police will become involved.

The shop should be grateful to you and will help out.

Tell your sister that you expect her to stop and to make a donation to the shop and voice an apology for stealing.

The last thing she or her kids wants is a photo of her on the shop window or town facebook page with captian

• Does anyone know this thief?

She probably won’t get court. If she does nothing will happen. But she could possibly be charged with theft. I doubt she will end up in jail, but if she gets a record it will affect her volunteering or getting a job in the future.

Dont go shopping with her, as you might end up charged along with her.

I think a lot of shops also have detailed, well-monitored cameras on the robot tills, so it isn't quite as much 'trusting' as you might think it is.

I set off the alarm at Morrison's a few months back and the security guard at the door instantly said "It's your meat". I'd bought a particularly nice pre-packed cut from the deli for a treat, with a tag on it. I reached for my receipt, but he said "No, it's fine - I saw you pay for it" and waved me to go through.

You could also make up a photo advert to post on the local facebook page. Pictures of her from the back etc. alerting people to identify her. Does anyone know this thief?

Threaten to post it unless she stops.

About 15 years ago I had a friend who was a kleptomaniac. They collected information for a year with all the stores in the town where she lived, and then when they caught her one day (with quite a lot of high value items as she had kept increasing to meet her thrill) they sent her to prison. Her kid went into foster care and was adopted out. I imagine they still do similar now, and being a Mum or a professional or any of that won't protect them from the consequences of her actions. It is a mental illness anyway, yeah can be part of another mental health condition as well or some kind of mid life crisis, but it kleptomania is an addiction and illness if it's own as well. She needs to get into therapy and find a way to stop before she gets some bad repercussions.

You’re right - she needs to actually report her, not just think about it.

These scummy people are making shopping more expensive for the rest of us.

Menopause is often blamed as well. I recall a thread from a few months back where the OP had an affair and blamed it foursquare on her going through the menopause.

A large proportion of posters seemed to agree with her that it wasn't really her fault, or anything she could have helped; she certainly wasn't to blame for it in any way at all.

That kind of attitude does an immense disservice to women everywhere. Imagine if, as well as the 'no more than two unaccompanied schoolchildren' signs they have up in corner shops, they regularly started putting up humiliating signs saying 'no more than two women aged between 45 and 55 at any time'.

Once you refuse to accept responsibilities, you tend to get relieved of them - along with your corresponding rights and freedoms.

Frog march her to a homeless centre where people are desperate for a roof over their heads and food.

She doesn't have a real need to steal, it's a thrill at getting away with it.

Explain to her that if everyone lacked morals and was helping themselves then the price of things would go up for everyone.

She's not feral, she's not starving but she is lacking in moral fibre. What an awful role model for her child:

I presume she means caught once shes left the shop

She can't stop as shoplifting is a recognised addiction. I shopliftted for years, and it's a horrible feeling, most people dont know why they do it and cant stop themselves. I remember being caught and going straight back out to do it again. More people are at it than youd imagine, I've been in support groups with nurses and teachers who cant stop. Makes you feel worthless and rotten inside. She'll probably just get a caution from the police, that's if the store bothers to report her. Lots dont these days if its under £100 worth of items.

That's a myth

If she’s confiding in you it sounds like she’s seeking help. You mentioned she said she can’t help it - sounds absolutely like an addiction. I hope you can help her find support. And please no excuses about menopause. Most of us in late 40s manage perfectly well to remember not to steal.

Sorry but if I see someone doing the wrong thing I'm going to say something. I don't abide by that "normal" rule you speak of not to grass ppl up.