My daughter doesn’t want to come to my wedding…..

[mandy20256]

Im getting married next week and my daughter has just told me she doesn’t want to come. She’s too anxious to walk in the room.
we are eloping so it will be myself, husband to be and three daughters. One being only 3 months old.
I have tried to reassure her that it’s not a big deal. I have told her she can be in the room without anyone watching her walk in. She can walk in with me or with her sisters. All to which she said she doesn’t want to.
I feel like my day is going to be ruined if she starts on the day.
shes 14 so she’s not a baby. What can I do? Thank you in advance

She wants to be there but her main worry is walking in so I’d avoid that. Are the grandparents going to be there? If so can she go in with them a little earlier and sit at the front with them? That way she can avoid walking in.
I think she’s panicking about being made to walk down an aisle with everyone watching her. I don’t blame her though, the first time I had to do it as a bridesmaid I was actually quite nervous too.

Thank you. That’s exactly what I have thought reading all these comments. We are very open and I have asked her if she’s ok with us marrying, if she wants to come and let her lead. She has anxiety but this is all made out like she’s not happy and doesn’t want me to get married but if I was marrying her dad that wouldn’t have been mentioned. Very frustrating people jump to conclusions straight away. Thank you for this comment x

No grandparents just us and two witnesses from the venue. There are reasons we are doing it this way that I won’t go into on here. I thought doing it this way would be easier for her and all of us.

I assume this is a registry office wedding. Has she been to one before?

Lots of weddings you see on TV have lots of the bridal party walking down an aisle, that might be how she thinks it will be.

Maybe have a look on YouTube to see what the reality will be like.

You aren't marrying her dad. She can be happy about something but still be anxious about it.

You have a three month old so I expect you're pretty tired and possibly still hormones settling down? I had massive PND and would get so wound up over things. I am only saying this so you make sure you are not making a bigger deal of this in your head than it actually is. It won't be ruining it if she's not there and waits outside or stays with a friend instead. As someone with anxiety this was always the worst part - getting anxious about my anxiety ruining things.

It's important to rationalise her fears, rather than shying away from each one. (Which I know is much easier said than done, especially on such an important day).
My DD has had anxiety since being 4. Lots of big life events (deaths, moving, being trapped in a shed at nursery, her brother almost dying) created a lot of fear which still manifests as a teenager (she's 13 now). CBT approach to rationalise individual fears work really well for our daughter. She's doing a lot better than she was.

Just tell her you’ll go with the flow and see how she feels on the day. She can go or stay at home/hotel. Go in the room or stay outside. Take the pressure off her completely.

I know this is irrelevant to your thread, but I'd just like to mention that witnesses can be under 18. When we got married at the local registry office, it was just us and our two children, aged 15 and 17. They acted as witnesses. When we booked, the woman said witnesses had to be over 18. I queried this, and they looked it up, and discovered they could be under 18.

On the day, the registrar just checked with them that they would be happy to go to court if anyone challenged the wedding. (They were very excited by this thought! 😊)

Incidentally, they also just married us in a small room, rather than the main wedding venue, so it was a quick and informal as possible.

It won't ruin the wedding if DD doesn't go, but it may have negative consequences for DD if she ends up as the only person in the family to miss this big even that she wants to attend.

Yy to letting her go in first/look after the baby for you. And give her a way out too. Check that there's somewhere quiet she could go and sit if it is too much for her. Knowing that she could go out and wait if she needs to might help her to stay in. There's nothing like a lack of choice/feeling trapped to make you feel more anxious

Is the venue local? If so, take her to the venue / register office so she can see it for herself. Run her through the process and who will stand / sit where.
Are the other dc both your partner's children? Is it possible she's internalising some sense that she'll be the odd one out? Even if nobody has said anything to that effect.

I'm missing my brother's wedding due to.anxiety. it gets to a point where nobody can help you with a specific situation such as a wedding, it's not rational behaviour. But i know i can't do it, i've had to run out of my nephews christening meal because of it. I'd be mortified if i disrupted an actual ceremony. A week ago, i had built.myself up to go, but that's gone from me again now and i'm left with fear. It's a horrible condition. It's not done on purpose/to upset people. Giver her a break.

She may have ASD as well. What I'd do is not put any pressure on her either way, but walk her through the day to reduce her anxiety and give her every opportunity to be ok on the day. Could you visit the room with her beforehand so she becomes familar with it?

If she can visualise everything in advance it may help a great deal to reduce her anxiety level.

Longer term my DD2 (14) takes Propanolol & Concerta - they have helped a good deal.

How did it go OP?

She basically never mentioned it again and we had the best day/night. She was very excited on the day. We spent the morning/afternoon just us and it was amazing. Everything I could have hoped and more. Thank you for asking x

^^ reported my own post: sorry didn't TTFT! Heinous crime!!

Congrats OP!

There are no seats. And also this was suggested to her. She didn’t want that. She wanted to be with me.
we had a lovely day and there was nothing worry about in the end. I think she built it up in her head. I was more nervous on the day that she was x

Fantastic news @mandy20256 ! Congratulations 🥂

Thank you so much x

Deleted. Missed date.

Thank you for replying but we are married now and had a lovely day xxxx

.