My daughter doesn’t want to come to my wedding…..

[mandy20256]

Im getting married next week and my daughter has just told me she doesn’t want to come. She’s too anxious to walk in the room.
we are eloping so it will be myself, husband to be and three daughters. One being only 3 months old.
I have tried to reassure her that it’s not a big deal. I have told her she can be in the room without anyone watching her walk in. She can walk in with me or with her sisters. All to which she said she doesn’t want to.
I feel like my day is going to be ruined if she starts on the day.
shes 14 so she’s not a baby. What can I do? Thank you in advance

She’s not just sitting down though is she, she’s there as an Official Witness and will have a role to play in that capacity. It may sound silly to an adult but for a 14 year old with 10 years of anxiety and a mum who’s already reacting quite ‘me me me’ about her fears, I’m not totally shocked she doesn’t want to partake.

Is she?

I thought your witnesses had to be over 18?

Where did you get that she is going to be a witness?

The op who said it’s just her, fiancée and daughters.

@benefitsterrified no, apparently anyone including teens can be an official witness.

So can she just not do the walking in part? Is the plan for your DH to be in the room and then you and the girls walk in? Can she just sit in the room and wait for you?

Are you able to visit the location with her before the wedding?
She may subconsciously have an image of bridal procession which feels overwhelming. Perhaps if she can see the room and you can demonstrate what will happen at your wedding it will reassure her?

If it's just the 5 of you, can you all walk in together?

Would she feel better if she had no photos taken? Or wearing something different?

Eloping as in just you, husband and the children? She doesn’t need to be walking in and no one will see her as no one is in the room to see her. She can sit in a chair and wait for you to walk in. Registry offices have waiting rooms so if she really can’t face the room for the wedding she can sit there and wait for 10minutes.

Are you sure this isn’t her way of telling you she’s worried about her mum getting married?

She can’t be a witness, witnesses are over 18.

I would not put any pressure on her.

Tell her to see how she feels on the day.
If she doesn’t want to come on the day then just leave her at home/the hotel.

There is no point getting yourself worked up over it.
Yes it will be sad if she doesn’t come but you don’t want it to ruin your day.

The more pressure she feels, the less likely she is to come.

Google is giving different answer, perhaps @mandy20256 would like to clarify? I appreciate I may have jumped to a conclusion but it was based on her op. Who will be the official witnesses, and if it’s not your daughter then surely it’s ok if she can sit outside if it’s all a bit much? Her anxiety does sound severe.

she is 14 without her added anxiety they are notoriously self conscious this will be playing a part of it. I'd get her to take the baby in and sit down first so there is no walking in as such, .she will be fine I wouldn't talk about it anymore come up with a plan and just don't mention it until the time comes.

I would walk in all together.

I don't really understand if there's just 5 of you?

How old is your other daughter?

Can she maybe bring a friend she feels comfortable with as her "date"?

What is the plan for after the ceremony?

Eloping? Can you expand on that please OP?

Have none of them walk in, then she's not different. She and her 2 sisters can be all dressed up and looking lovely, waiting for you at the front.

This is all a bit muddly.

What do you mean by "eloping"? "Eloping" sounds terribly dramatic, and this might be affecting the way your DD is seeing it. If it were just a case of trotting into the register office, that might seem less daunting.

Assuming there is no reason why your DD shouldn't want you to get married, it's fine for her not to attend if it's too much for her. Maybe she just wants you to say "it's fine not to come". Maybe she just wants to feel listened to.

You can obviously tell her she can just go and sit down beforehand and so on - but whatever happens, you have to take her feelings seriously. If she absolutely doesn't want to, then you mustn't go on about her spoiling your day. It's just the day you're changing the legal status of your relationship with someone you've been with for a very long time. Which is a very big thing in legal terms, but is otherwise neither here nor there.

If she's ND it's likely the anticipation of the unknown is what is making her really anxious. Can you take her to see the room before the day so she knows where it is, what it looks like, how big it is and where she needs to go? If she has all that information available to her then it might not feel like such an overwhelming situation.

BTW, who are your witnesses? My ex husband and I eloped, and still had to have two adult witnesses. We had two randomers whom we'd never seen in our lives before, and never saw again. But they had to be adults.

I am ND, and this is good advice @itsmyp4rty

I don’t fully understand. Are the only people in the room going to be your husband to be and the registrar? You and your daughters will walk/be carried in?
Can your daughter just sit in the venue at the front ready, maybe holding your youngest?

Oh thank you, we were at a registry office a few weeks ago looking at the room options and they told me two witnesses and over 18.

@itsmyp4rty I was going to suggest exactly the same thing. Do a practise so she knows what to expect and that it's not like some flashy wedding with lots of people like she might have seen on tv.