Page 3 | My daughter doesn’t want to come to my wedding…..

mandy20256 · 2023-11-16T19:39:43+00:00

Im getting married next week and my daughter has just told me she doesn’t want to come. She’s too anxious to walk in the room. we are eloping so it will be myself, husband to be and three daughters. One being only 3 months old. I have tried to reassure her that it’s not a big deal. I have told her she can be in the room without anyone watching her walk in. She can walk in with me or with her sisters. All to which she said she doesn’t want to. I feel like my day is going to be ruined if she starts on the day. shes 14 so she’s not a baby. What can I do? Thank you in advance

Tbry · 16/11/2023 21:48

RachelFuchsalot · 16/11/2023 21:37

I am ND, and this is good advice @itsmyp4rty

I agree, I’ve been looking at rooms in advance so my anxiety won’t be so bad.

cockadoodledandy · 16/11/2023 21:50

The best thing you can do here is to support her. Ask her what would make her feel more comfortable and be open to the possibility of her being present, but potentially not at the ceremony. As someone who also has anxiety but seemingly to a much lower level than your poor daughter, all I can say is please support her and don't force her into a situation she's clearly telling you she doesn't have the headspace to handle. If she wants to sit outside, and join you all after the ceremony, then that is absolutely fine. She is still present, and you will still be married.

I understand it's your wedding day, and you want it to be lovely, but please also remember this is your daughter and her needs and mental health matters more. It won't change the outcome if she isnt in the room. It will change her mental stability to guilt or force her into being in the room.

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2023 21:51

I have a child with anxiety and I know how frustrating it can be and how hard it can be to want to make plans abd have it hanging over you the c9nstant nagging thought about whether it will happen.

but it isn’t her fault, she wants to come but it is so debilitating. Let her lead, make it clear the wedding is happening and she can decide in what capacity she joins in. Remain calm have plans if she can’t make certain steps and remove pressure

TiredCatLady · 16/11/2023 21:53

This may not be what you want to hear, and may be well off the mark (I hope it is), my immediate thought is that your DD isn’t as keen on your partner as you think she is and there is a bit more to this than “not wanting anyone to look at her” nerves. How old are your other DC? When did you decide to marry?

PurpleBugz · 16/11/2023 21:56

RachelFuchsalot · 16/11/2023 21:37

I am ND, and this is good advice @itsmyp4rty

I'm also ND and echo the same advice. I'd guess it's fear of the unknown and not knowing what will happen and what is expected of her. Mixed up with teen self conscious. Possibly also the discomfort of different clothes and hair etc.

Take her to visit if you can. Or at least look up photos online. Some registry offices have videos promoting their rooms so you could use them. Talk her through the service and give her her own itinerary.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/11/2023 21:57

If you suspect ND and her anxiety is this debilitating and for such a long time you should really be getting her assessed so you can get more formal help for her.
Don't put any pressure on her for this and don't blame her for " ruining " your day, she's 14, not an adult.

Smartstuffed · 16/11/2023 21:57

This may sound a daft idea but I wonder whether it might be worth thinking about changing the dynamic(?) of it all.

What if your husband-to-be were to confide in your daughter that he's massively excited about getting married, and the future, with you all being a family, but that he's also hellish nervous about the ceremony itself because it's such a big/significant thing? (Which is plausible, as not unusual). He could ask your daughter if she would sit or stand beside him in the room for moral support.

Might that 'responsibility' override and redirect her focus from her own nerves to his?

BlueGrey1 · 16/11/2023 21:59

That level of anxiety is quite worrying and must affect her life so much.

have a sit down with her ( just yourself and herself) and ask her to tell you exactly what part of it is worrying her and making her so anxious, I know you said she has told you it’s the walking in part but that still isn’t really clear…..what about walking is is the worry? also tell her that a lot of the time the only way to over come your fears is by actually doing them

Smartstuffed · 16/11/2023 22:07

@BlueGrey1also tell her that a lot of the time the only way to over come your fears is by actually doing them

This is so true too. And sometimes the perspective that this will be what, 20 minutes, out of a whole lifetime of minutes can put another angle on things.

cockadoodledandy · 16/11/2023 22:10

TiredCatLady · 16/11/2023 21:53

This may not be what you want to hear, and may be well off the mark (I hope it is), my immediate thought is that your DD isn’t as keen on your partner as you think she is and there is a bit more to this than “not wanting anyone to look at her” nerves. How old are your other DC? When did you decide to marry?

Why is this always the assumption people jump to when it's a male step parent involved. Why can't it be the simplest answer, that she has crippling anxiety which she's had for nearly a decade.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/11/2023 22:13

Why is she "walking in""?

MildredCurry · 16/11/2023 22:24

TomatoSandwiches · 16/11/2023 21:57

If you suspect ND and her anxiety is this debilitating and for such a long time you should really be getting her assessed so you can get more formal help for her.
Don't put any pressure on her for this and don't blame her for " ruining " your day, she's 14, not an adult.

All this. And please dont come at this from the "dont start on MY day" position. This isn't just your day. It's all of yours day. No?

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/11/2023 22:35

So will be the 5 of you. How old is other daughter

Can't you all walk in together ? Or her sit in room first which tbh guests usually do for a wedding

If only the 5 of hin who will be watching her walk in ? The other daughter ?

Is the other daughter yours his or shared

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 16/11/2023 22:41

Could she act as ‘best man’, already be in the room with her stepdad and have a job to do by holding the rings? I have anxiety but I can be brave if I’m doing something for someone else, and her job would be to support her new dad? And let her pick the music? Lighten the whole thing up?

Viviennemary · 16/11/2023 22:48

Not surprised she is upset by this scenario. What do you mean 'elopng'. Are you a teenager. She has just had a new sister and now has to face a wedding. Too much upheaval and change by far. But it's done now. Can she stay with a relative or friend.

squidgybits · 16/11/2023 23:09

she doesn't want to be paraded ( or feel like it )
Let her be

Topsyturvy78 · 16/11/2023 23:22

Could you visit the venue before the wedding? Maybe have a practice run so she's prepared and knows what to expect. It's probably just the unknown not knowing what will happen. Like pp said usually guests are seated with groom ready for when bride comes in.

Topsyturvy78 · 16/11/2023 23:25

Some people just don't want a big wedding hate all the planning and preparation. Plus the cost of living crisis.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/11/2023 23:25

Could you all walk in together? Maybe give her your flowers/ bag ring to hold

BlueEyedPeanut · 16/11/2023 23:47

I do agree that it is the fear of the unknown holding her back. A practice run is a good idea, but if that is not possible can you find photos of the venue and the room so she can see the layout and know what to expect. It's less scary when you can visualise where you'll be going.

VelvetandLace · 16/11/2023 23:56

I would think she is anxious of the unknown. It sounds like it will be just your immediate family there, you and your partner, and your 3 children.
Can you just tell her what to expect?

boochristmas · 17/11/2023 00:13

If it's just the walking in part, I'd find a way to eliminate that for her.

user1492757084 · 17/11/2023 00:31

Giving her the buggy and little sibling as her responsibilities sounds good. Tell her she is needed and you can't do with out the help. Also let her invite her best friend. She would not want to miss it while her bestie is there.
Have her practice wheeling in her outfit. The buggy blocks her from being fully seen. The baby is the focus.
Would haveing her make up done make her feel masked and more comfortable?

user1492757084 · 17/11/2023 00:33

Also, is there a Granny or another safe relative who could be invited who gives strength to your daughters?

JustCollateralDamage · 17/11/2023 01:28

I am sure my opinion is unpopular but at 14 I think the best thing for her would be to participate in the wedding.

You mentioned that you think her anxiety has to do with the wedding itself and not the circumstances to your marriage. In this case, I think this is a learning opportunity.

Her life will be so much better if she can participate in the celebrations of the people she loves in the future. This is a small, small wedding with very limited social threat, very few strangers present and surrounded by people who love her. Its the perfect opportunity for her to learn how to cope with feeling uncomfortable in order to put the needs of someone she loves before her own.

I don't think you should force her if she's really resisting cause that will cause you both undue stress before your big day, but I do think you should do everything in your power to encourage her to be involved. Anxiety is a compounding force - a vicious cycle; anxiety causes avoidance which causes more anxiety and so on.

Could she have a grandparent on either side? A friend?
Could she be at the very back? Could she be sitting at the front and then just stand with the others at the end? Could she meet before hand with the celebrant to make her feel comfortable?

All this said, I think its really worth speaking with her very earnestly to understand if she has any reservations about the marriage. Even if she loves her step dad, I agree with the other posters that the wedding might symbolise something scary about the future to her that she can't quite articulate. It may be driving the anxiety further and could be dispelled by some reassurance from both mum and stepdad.