Daughter scared of moving around own home

[Ilovechocolate87]

My DD is 6.She is scared of going into different rooms of our house and especially upstairs if we are downstairs/downstairs if we are upstairs.It has always been the case abit, but was made alot worse by the fact that in the summer the smoke alarm went off several times up there including during the night.

Now she literally doesn't want to go from one room to another sometimes without us coming aswell.Sometimes I do get irritated with it if I'm literally in the next room (it's a small house).She often wants me to sing a song which if I'm a couple of rooms away or if she is going upstairs I will sit on the stairs and do, and it seems to reassaure her, but I won't do it if say she is going to the toilet in the downstairs cloakroom, and I am in the lounge next door.But I wonder how long term she will move through this fear.

She is very sensitive to loud noises- hand dryers have always been an issue, and she has ear defenders for various situations at school and has used them for discos, underground trains, fireworks etc.

She is also awaiting an ADHD assessment.

We also have big problems with toilets with automatic flushes....have had to buy a she-wee and a radar key (disabled ones never seem to have them) as she can be literally be bursting but refuse to use them due to the fear.

Does she need some sort of therapy?

Do we need to do some sort of 'gradual exposure' thing?

Will she just grow out of it?

Feel like we are rescuing her too mcuh sometimes, but equally don't want to expose her/push her too hard and make the fear worse and more deep set.

But AIBU to think that most 6yos aren't scared of moving around their own home? :-/

No they are not
She needs a CAMH referral
Why are you considering ADHD and not autism? Doesn't the sensory sensitivity for more with that

I was the same and grew out of it. Our loo is upstairs and my youngest wouldn't go unless someone was sitting on the stairs until she was five or six. She grew out of it too. Don't worry.

I felt like this to a much lesser degree as a kid. I suspect it’s worse because you’ve played into it so much (with only good intentions, of course). I would gradually try and drop the singing, accompanying her to other rooms etc-tell her don’t be silly your night next door. She will gradually get used to it.

Sounds fairly normal to me. Mine didnt/wouldn't go upstairs (or downstairs if we were all up) alone. He grew out of it.

Referral for anxiety as a start

You need some support to manage this

Is it a very large house? In mine you can't really be very far away from anyone. There's just upstairs and downstairs. The loo thing and the loud noise fear could be asd. My youngest was a sensitive little soul. Still is really and probably what they now call HSP but she handles it well now she's older. Where are you based where she has to use automatic flushing loos?

I was similar as a child and just naturally grew out it.

I didn't want to go upstairs at that age because I thought my toys came alive! It does sound rather intense though, and by singing when she asks etc, might you be making her worse? I definitely think you need advice on how to deal with it, given she has other sensory anxiety

My seven year old is exactly like yours and I've made quite a few posts about this. It started when she was about 5 and she still hasn't grown out of it. She also used to have a problem with hand dryers (not anymore) and flushing and I also did the singing thing.

We haven't found a solution yet but I can tell you that telling her that she is being silly or that there's nothing to worry about absolutely does not work. I think she gets into a panic immediately as the thought that there might be something scary gets into her head and I don't think there's even time to reason. I mean the panic bypasses her reasoning circuits..I've asked her to count to two before she screams or runs to us in the hope of maybe interrupting that automatic response so let's see.

She is a very dreamy and absent minded little girl with an extremely vivid imagination. I suspect ADHD as well..I have ADHD as well so it's possible though I'm hoping against hope that she doesn't. I am planning to take her to the GP soon to get the process of an assessment started.

She will probably grow out of this but will stay more sensitive in general.
Fire alarm is very stressful so I’m not surprised it’s affected her. I would do gradual exposure to noise and pushing a bit to go to another room but not around toileting.
Maybe follow her lead for a while for her to relax and then rather then refusing going somewhere try to encourage her to go herself for a positive thing e.g to bring a doll or a game or a snack while you are standing at the door, a bit from the door, on the staircase etc.

I agree with that degree of anxiety and sensory sensitivity you should be looking at autism as well as ADHD. They so often occur together. My daughter was very noise sensitive and has an autism diagnosis, but I’m certain she has ADHD too.

Either way, being neurodivergent does explain these issues. My advice is roll with it and give her the support and reassurance she needs to navigate the anxiety. It’s a phase and it won’t last forever.

By the way when I said about growing out of it I didn’t mean by 8, more like by teen years but it again depends on the situation. She’d grow out quicker if other areas would be calm and relaxed.

and I agree with @Meatarian calling her silly or anything like this won’t help.

My DD is like this with being up or downstairs (also sensitive to loud noises and on ADHD referral list). I think of it in the way that her flight, fight or freeze mode is activated/triggered by this and she needs to be supported to regulate this, maybe find things that regulate her from a sensory perspective or something that you do with her to physically regulate that anxiety response. Fidget toys, squishy toys etc.
The fact that she can go upstairs even though it makes her anxious is big and is a good thing.

There are a lot of automatic flushing loos around in big shops, shopping centers, motorway services and just newer blocks of public toilets in towns.

The sensory can definitely be part of ADHD not just autism.

You ask if its normal but confirm your DD is being assessed for neurodiversities - at which point you'd be expecting behaviour which wasn't "normal".

It's ok. It will settle down. In our experience, once a need is consistently met with compassion and without pressure or recriminations, it stops being an issue. Extinction behaviour, where it increases before suddenly going away, often occurs for us.

I was very similar to this as a child. I was diagnosed last year as being autistic.

Although I have a successful life, I truly wish I had been diagnosed earlier and more support was offered. It would have saved me lots of anguish and stress.

How you tackle this is up to you. You can take the route that some have suggested of ignoring it or not playing into it. This will most likely result in your child eventually being able to 'cope' with these things but internalising all of these problems and making them.

Or, you can try to understand her anxieties and how to alleviate them. There will be times when you can 'push' a little to put her out of her comfort zone, but this should only be done when she is not anxious. It's a fine balancing act.

I can recommend the book 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron.

Also the Facebook group 'The Occuplaytional Therapist' has some amazing information.

You could also read about sensory processing disorder.

Hope some of this is helpful.

My DD had the same problem with going into different rooms in the house alone. We live in a small flat so it was worrying. She grew out of it gradually - she’s 10 now and is fine, although she still occasionally calls us if she wakes up at night.
We worked on it by asking her to get things from different rooms and telling her we’d be watching from around the corner until she came back out. Then gradually we watched from further away and then not at all. It took a while but she improved little by little.
Weirdly, the thing that changed her was a trip abroad. We went to visit my brother in Sweden and stayed in a hostel. The place was very laid back and safe and suddenly she had no problem going to the the kitchen, toilets etc. alone.

Two of mine were like that. It turns out they used to bribe the one that didn’t mind to go upstairs and get the thing they needed! They are fine now.

What’s prompted the adhd assessment? There are a lot of red flags for autism in what you describe.

My 8 year old won’t go into rooms by himself - he says he’s afraid of ghosts getting him. He’s awaiting assessment for dyspraxia and adhd - my gut feeling is that he has developed huge amounts of anxiety and this not being alone thing is an expression of all that fear.

DD1 had this, probably slightly younger, at about age 5 or so.

This book helped immensely, we read through and worked through it together.

https://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/worry-too-much-overcoming-anxiety/

I can also remember being scared to go to the toilet on my own when I was four or five, and holding it until I was desperate- it was definitely the flush, I've have to flush and run. I was just very imaginative and could scare myself rather easily.

My son was like this. Probably he was a bit younger actually.
He would say, mummy there is a lion in the snug, and genuinely look scared. I just went with him..... and he grew out of it

My AuDHD 7 year old is like this. We are supporting her by standing on the stairs when she goes up to her room to grab something, standing in the hallway when she goes to the loo, and gradually increasing the distance.

It is what it is, it's a pain in the arse but she'll grow out of it eventually. It's just one of those things we have to do for our special needs kids. I've used it as evidence for care needs on the DLA form.

I remember being the same as a kid, I wasn't supported through it and told to get on with it, the fear I felt now feels like it contributed to my anxiety as an adult.

Isn't this a normal developmental stage? My kids both went through it at this age as well so I actually think that many 6 year olds don't like going upstairs on their own or into another room if it's dark. My 10 year old still doesn't like going upstairs on his own when it's dark up there and he isn't anxious at all, just has a vivid imagination.

I’m going to suggest autism too. DS outgrew these behaviours with tonnes of gentle exposure.

I would avoid The Highly Sensitive Child. That concept has put autism diagnosis back decades. “Highly sensitive” is not a thing, it’s autism. But the world is now full of people saying their child isn’t autistic, but highly sensitive 🙄

The author, I believe, wrote the book using her nephews as case studies, and they were subsequently diagnosed with autism.