Daughter scared of moving around own home

[Ilovechocolate87]

My DD is 6.She is scared of going into different rooms of our house and especially upstairs if we are downstairs/downstairs if we are upstairs.It has always been the case abit, but was made alot worse by the fact that in the summer the smoke alarm went off several times up there including during the night.

Now she literally doesn't want to go from one room to another sometimes without us coming aswell.Sometimes I do get irritated with it if I'm literally in the next room (it's a small house).She often wants me to sing a song which if I'm a couple of rooms away or if she is going upstairs I will sit on the stairs and do, and it seems to reassaure her, but I won't do it if say she is going to the toilet in the downstairs cloakroom, and I am in the lounge next door.But I wonder how long term she will move through this fear.

She is very sensitive to loud noises- hand dryers have always been an issue, and she has ear defenders for various situations at school and has used them for discos, underground trains, fireworks etc.

She is also awaiting an ADHD assessment.

We also have big problems with toilets with automatic flushes....have had to buy a she-wee and a radar key (disabled ones never seem to have them) as she can be literally be bursting but refuse to use them due to the fear.

Does she need some sort of therapy?

Do we need to do some sort of 'gradual exposure' thing?

Will she just grow out of it?

Feel like we are rescuing her too mcuh sometimes, but equally don't want to expose her/push her too hard and make the fear worse and more deep set.

But AIBU to think that most 6yos aren't scared of moving around their own home? :-/

Quite.

The pathologisation of child development is a bit scary, it'll produce many mental health issues in trying to prevent mental health issues.

My house was tiny until we moved a couple of years ago. My eldest wouldn't go upstairs on his own. The only way he'd go up without me is if his (younger) sister went with him.
This was all the way up to age 10.
He grew out of it.
He is still afraid of the dark though. I never take the piss, and he sleeps with the hall light on and his door ajar (youngest sleeps in a pitch black room, lights off)

I have no advice re your other points, but from my experience, being afraid to go upstairs alone is fairly normal

Yeah, kids are weird.

They're often scared of strange things. Scared of being alone, scared of the dark, scared of going to bed, scared of going to school, scared of strangers, scared of balloons, carrots, dogs, scary-looking teddy bears, the hoover, getting their hair washed, brushing their teeth etc, etc.

It's a part of growing up, and yet our kids aren't free to do that nowadays without cries of "autism!" or "anxiety!" or "ADHD!". They're allowed to - and should be given the freedom to - feel a range of emotions. To refuse to give them this freedom is borderline abusive.

For fuck's sake, stop trying to medicalise children for being children and just let kids be kids.

I really recommend this course: https://learning.holisticfamilypsychologist.com/courses/beneath-the-fear

I was fairly like this as a child - I was scared of the flowery wallpaper on the landing and stairs as I thought I could see a creepy face in it. I used to think there was a scary mummy hiding in my wardrobe, and when walking to the bathroom I'd always run past my parents' open bedroom door in case there was a monster hiding in the dark. I gradually outgrew it and once I was an teenager wasn't bothered about most things - used to walk by myself in the dark to do a newspaper round and stuff.

This is awful advice. Please ignore it.

She isn’t being “silly”, and shaming her by saying she is will make the problem worse.

I thought this was normal. I used to do this aswel when i was younger. But mainly if i had to go upstairs and it was dark. It'd freak me out. Does she watch scary things? Her imagination is probably make her think scary things are going to happen lol

It's a part of growing up, and yet our kids aren't free to do that nowadays without cries of "autism!" or "anxiety!" or "ADHD!". They're allowed to - and should be given the freedom to - feel a range of emotions. To refuse to give them this freedom is borderline abusive.

Oh GTF.

The OP mentions being on the ADHD pathway, which means there are numerous traits going back years and a paediatrician has agreed that an assessment is appropriate.

With that in mind, people are giving advice and sharing experiences.

If you can’t see that that’s not the same as “a child who is scared of loud noises and empty rooms must be neurodivergent” then I can’t help you.

Now 18yo was like this, it drove me nuts, but no other issues so I assumed she'd grow out if it. She did, but not until she was much older and got to the 'has a phone & wants to do 'dance videos etc with her friends' stage!

even then she didn't like going up to bed on her own.

now she's more than happy to go travelling etc.

she won't be little forever, try to be patient (or buy her a phone 🤣🤣)

I would say it’s a more extreme reaction (so probably not typical of most kids but definitely of some). I have one who is scared to go downstairs without me (usually when it’s dark) and one is who terrified of loud hand dryers / music etc. I have gone with fully supportive and enabling of them to do what they need to feel safe, which has lessoned it to some degree. But that is a really tough course of action for you given it’s a number of things and continuously at home.

^ this - with bells on!!!

That's not really what's happening on this thread. And just because you have one neurodivergent trait, it doesn't mean you have them all.

The fact that you are so defensive speaks volumes.

Thanks for all the replies! Seems like quite a mix of those who think it is a normal stage or something of a concern.

So we don't know for certain if she has ADHD, but alongside the fears side of things she has always been a fussy eater, difficult sleeper, and there have been some concerns about her ability to retain information/maintain focus/regulate her emotions and understand social cues/feelings of others (although those two have improved somewhat) at both home and school, hence the referral which was done when she was in reception. Due to the inattention/hyperactivity she might likely the bill more for ADHD, but she will also be assessed for ASD.

However he has always been a high needs, sensitive and clingy baby/child, and has always had a very vivid imagination, so I'm aware that these personality traits could equally contribute to some of her behaviours. I'm not one for being quick to pin labels on children, although I also think it's good there is much more awareness of neurodiversity being a possible cause in some cases, rather than blindly punishing or blaming the child for something they may not be able to control, as happened before.

Thanks for all the useful tips on how to manage it- I try to be understanding but I won't lie that during times of more pressure/stress I have probably been dismissive about it or got annoyed with her, although I agree shaming/blaming/dismissing are never helpful with such things.

I will bear in mind some of the advice and see how she goes for awhile, lately she is saying the reason she is so scared is because she worries about the smoke alarm going off (it used to be the dark) I think she hates not feeling in control as whether it will go off randomly.

You can use Alexa to ‘drop in’ on different rooms - would it help to get a few devices in the main rooms she uses? I got Amazon Echos cheap from CEX and Black Friday is coming up soon.

My daughter has had this off and on from age 5 - she's 10 now - we're waiting on an ADHD assessment.

To add- she does have an alexa in her bedroom and also have just got some walkie talkies.She is not easy to settle at night and I think part of that is not liking being in a room on her own when we are downstairs (although her little sister is in the room next door)

Also, love the magic torch idea! She does like torches.

Only read the OP: You could be describing my nearly 8dd, defo hyper sensitive, possible Asperger’s being suggested by various professionals.

we fought this a bit and it just made her miserable so we lovingly accommodate this need.

i would so much rather love and accept her with all her needs, I’m sure she will grow out of it much faster if she feels supported and loved than if fight her

My daughter at that age wouldn't go anywhere in the house without me and also hated loud noises and toilets that flushed automatically. She received her autism diagnosis at 16, so I would definitely look into that.

Damn right I’m defensive. This thread is full of the usual ableist, anti-autism/ADHD crap.

You are describing my nine year old ASD Grandson. He will now move around the house ( grew out of it only a year ago).. but hates public loo flushes.. loud noises etc ( that's his Autism).

I know its hard but try not to get too frustrated. Yes it might sound silly & irrational on paper but to her it’s a fear & it’s real. She could grow out of it but I would look at finding her ways to empower herself to face her bravery.

it might sound daft but wt about getting get her a toy sword & shield etc & make it a game of facing her fear like a knight in a fairy story. I know my son loves saying he’s brave when he’s got his toy armour on etc

I was the same and my kids are the same. I remember how scared I used to feel so I go with them. Even my 12 year old doesn't like going upstairs on his own at night! I assume they'll grow out of it eventually.

My oldest was like this. She had other emotional issues as well. Tantrums. Mood swings. It was a difficult time. But a turning point for her (and for us) was buying her a few books from this series: https://amzn.to/46hTJET when she was about seven. They're self help books that the child goes through themselves. She enjoyed helping herself and overcoming her many fears and has grown into a fearless and self reliant, awesome young woman. I wish you luck.

My little girl was similar but not as extreme and she’s grown out of it now she’s 6 in feb. I’m curious why your going down the adhd route and not autism though just in case as a lot of things you mentioned seem to point in that direction. X

I mean this politely but I am not sure that the purpose of the radar key.

Maybe just putting your coat/ cardi/loo roll over the sensor so it doesn't go off unexpectedly.