Daughter scared of moving around own home

[Ilovechocolate87]

My DD is 6.She is scared of going into different rooms of our house and especially upstairs if we are downstairs/downstairs if we are upstairs.It has always been the case abit, but was made alot worse by the fact that in the summer the smoke alarm went off several times up there including during the night.

Now she literally doesn't want to go from one room to another sometimes without us coming aswell.Sometimes I do get irritated with it if I'm literally in the next room (it's a small house).She often wants me to sing a song which if I'm a couple of rooms away or if she is going upstairs I will sit on the stairs and do, and it seems to reassaure her, but I won't do it if say she is going to the toilet in the downstairs cloakroom, and I am in the lounge next door.But I wonder how long term she will move through this fear.

She is very sensitive to loud noises- hand dryers have always been an issue, and she has ear defenders for various situations at school and has used them for discos, underground trains, fireworks etc.

She is also awaiting an ADHD assessment.

We also have big problems with toilets with automatic flushes....have had to buy a she-wee and a radar key (disabled ones never seem to have them) as she can be literally be bursting but refuse to use them due to the fear.

Does she need some sort of therapy?

Do we need to do some sort of 'gradual exposure' thing?

Will she just grow out of it?

Feel like we are rescuing her too mcuh sometimes, but equally don't want to expose her/push her too hard and make the fear worse and more deep set.

But AIBU to think that most 6yos aren't scared of moving around their own home? :-/

DS1 was like this until recently but is growing out of it now (at 7). I remember being the same at his age.

We both have the odd sensory quirk as well but are NT as far as I know.

My 9 year old doesn’t like going upstairs on his own. He would stay in the lounge alone, but not the kitchen until very recently.
I feel confident he’ll be happy to go upstairs alone eventually.
I’m just rolling with it as he’s not particularly anxious in any other respect and doesn’t have any of the noise sensitivity issues your DC has.

I could have written most of this about my 5YO DS, he has fear of being anywhere in the house on his own even needing to sing if in the next room (like on the toilet) or sit on the stairs if he needs to go up/ down the stairs. I do get frustrated with him, but then I remembered the other day that I used to hate being upstairs on my own in my parents house and used to run past the airing cupboard as I was scared of that too!! Can’t remember how old I would have been.

No signs of ND as yet. He certainly doesn’t seem to have ADHD or ASD (older child has ADHD and they are very different!).

No advice, just posting in solidarity!

This was me aged 4-7, just an anxious little girl.

My son is ok with being in other rooms but loud sounds are an issue for him and hand dryers are a big issue. We have to use disabled loos too as even if it does have a hand dryers he’s ok and he knows that no one will use it whilst we’re in there (except the odd occasion my big bum has accidentally set it off in a smaller space when I also had DD in the pushchair in there too).

He has a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD.

Your daughters sensitivities sound like they would align with a neuro developmental need.
It's important that you understand her needs whether she gets a diagnosis or not. I wouldnt recommended interventions for anxiety for her at such a young age. nice guidance would recommend parent led interventions at this age as she is too young to be responsible for managing her anxieties. This should be led by the parent.
She has been referred for a neuro developmental assessment so ideally they would screen for all neuro developmental conditions rather than just assess for adhd.
Your local children's services, one point or similar are likely to have or know a service that will support your understanding of asd and adhd to help you to manage these challenges better. She will grow out of these anxieties on time but it's important that you don't reinforce them. Avoiding things breeds further avoidance as it teaches the brain that avoiding means safe.
Take small steps. Play games that encourage entering rooms alone even if for a second and give lots of praise and build confidence when she achieves that and don't respond negatively when she can't do it.
With the loud and scary sounds. Try some graded exposure. Maybe watch some YouTube videos of flushing toilets and build up to a program about how they work tontry to help her understand the noise. Then it might not be as scary

My 5 year old is the same! Won't go up stairs on his own really except in broad day light (which this time of year is not much) won't go for a pee in the morning on his own I have to accompany him lol! It's funny that you should say about the toilet because when I was younger I used to imagine all sorts coming out of it... Rats/ spiders/ famous musician playing the guitar!?!! My toilet at home not out and about, I still used it but wouldn't hang around , don't remember it being a big deal for my parents though don't think I ever told them and if I did ... a non challant attitude to irrational fears goes a long way. X

My DD is like this, but is slowly growing out of it at 8. She will now happily go to the loo by herself and will stay on another floor of the house without me. Still doesn’t like being alone at night though and will frequently come into our bed! 😩

@witmum of course the radar key is for disabled people to have access to facilities they need to go about their business. ND is a disability and sensory issues are disabling.

In our area our GP has said that if they put in for a referral for both they both automatically get rejected.

My son luckily got his diagnosis within 11 month start to finish but for adults it's a 6 year wait per screening.

It may be the same in OPs region but the waits could be longer or shorter.

My now-14yo was like this until a few years ago. She has Asperger's, SPD and ADHD. She would actually scream hysterically if she couldn't see me. The automatic toilets were also an issue. So many similarities. We didn't get any help from professionals, they seemed totally clueless. She did grow out of it though! I think it was around age 11 when there was a big shift, especially with her anxiety about being in the same room as me. I didn't know what to do so I played it by ear and just did what I thought was best for her. So some things I took very seriously, like her panic about being in the same room. Other things I gently tried to get her used to. Encouraged but not forced. I would have made any accommodations she needed, but she has always wanted to overcome her issues. I've always been open minded about the amount of support she needs, but when she neared teenage years she started thinking of the future and being an adult, as teenagers do. That was a big turning point. She really wants to be independent and have her own home one day, etc. So naturally she began to overcome anything that held her back. I'm having a hard time explaining that, so hopefully it's clear. This past summer I actually got her to go with me to an outdoor blues festival. She wasn't extremely happy about it and I made sure to avoid the areas near the speakers, but we both marveled at how well she handled it. I can't remember the last time she had anxiety at home. You'll probably see a big change as she becomes a tween. It's also really helpful to have a diagnosis or even just a really good understanding of her issues, so she can get the tools she needs. Not knowing why she feels like she does likely adds to the anxiety. So just verbalize everything with her so she knows how to talk about it too.

This sound way more like Autism than ADHD. I'd be concerned about this behavior tbh and would probably consider a MH referral.

My DD is now 11, I’m pretty certain she is not in any way ND, but nonetheless she’s only now overcoming her fear of going to other parts of the house on her own, although now it’s only after dark. She is also freaked out by locked doors (like in public toilets) - scared of getting locked in. We came home and discovered we’d been broken into when she was about 6, and I think this has a lot to do with it. I wouldn’t underestimate the effect the fire alarms had on your DD. It’sa massive pain but I tell myself that this is what she needs to feel safe and I don’t want her to feel unsafe, so I’ve never made a big deal of it to her face. Her dad does the opposite and will try to force her into doing the things she’s not comfortable with and I can assure you that doesn’t work either and only ends up with one shouting and the other crying. I don’t think there’s any rule for things like this, you know your DD and you know what you can deal with so you’ll just have to find a way that works for you and adapt it when it doesn’t work anymore. I’m a firm believer that there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ when it comes to things like this!

The sensory thing can definitely be ADHD not autism but having said that I've known quite a lot of kids that are similar who have just grown out of it.

My DD had lots of irrational fears as a young child. She was constantly worrying. She has had lots of therapy but as soon as we solved one fear, another one popped up. It has turned into OCD as a teen unfortunately. Not sure what to advise as we are still trying to help her and have had to resort to medication now to help her live a bit more normally. I don’t think we pathologised her childhood development, we went through all stages of acceptance, trying to ignore it, hoping it was a phase etc. But unfortunately she has been highly anxious from day dot and seems to be wired that way. She has been diagnosed with autism which explains some of the issues, but just seems to be prone to getting phobias as well. I hope your child grows out of this and it is nothing to worry about. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they are neurodiverse based on what you have described.

I was similar as a child, a fear of the dark, going to the bathroom (upstairs) at night when everyone else was downstairs.

I largely grew out of it, have travelled to many countries on my own. But I still have a little nightlight on in my room when DH is away. I do have ADHD.

Just be kind to her, whilst being encouraging and exploring the ADHD diagnosis.

I can remember being scared moving from the front of my house to the back when I was a child. I would fun as fast as I could. My mum would come and get me if I asked (shouted) - I had a very overactive imagination. At night I was scared of what was under the bed and in the wardrobe. My dad would check in the wardrobes for me every night. I grew out of it.
When my kids were really little we moved into our current house. It’s four floors, Edwardian and has 8 bedrooms. I was amazed none of them were scared. I have no idea why I was so worried - and such a drama queen. I’d have had a total breakdown living in this house but mine didn’t care at all. I’d regularly be downstairs and the little one would be on the top floor happily colouring!
I still remember having to run as fast as I could so the monsters wouldn’t get me.

I’m 48 now and I’ve grown out of it!

I'm surprised by the amount of people suggesting neurodivergent issues. In my experience something like this is quite a normal stage of childhood! My daughter was exactly like this for what felt like forever - she's always been a natural worrier and quite sensitive. She's grown out of it for ages now (maybe three or four years, and she's eleven). We supported her through it, as frustrating as it can be, and she's becoming more and more resilient as she gets older.

I also had a period of extreme anxiety as a child when I couldn't sleep because I was convinced that the house would catch fire! Drove my parents mad I'm sure.

My twins did this too! One was definitely worse than the other for being scared of going upstairs on her own etc., but grew out of it. Now you’ve made me think about it she did hate automatic flushes and hand driers too. I do often wonder if she is mildly autistic, now a teen, she hates certain noises (chewing) and fabrics (cotton wool) to this day.

Re-phrase it.

My daughter is frightened but it is annoying and I want to stop supporting her to function independently and force her to face her fears. At 6.

She is frightened. Irrationally or not for a 6 y/o but she is experiencing micro trauma daily. Act on that basis for as long as it takes. You won't "feed into her insecurities" by supporting her to feel safe. If you don't she won't feel safe with you and later that will lead to big problems for your relationship and her relationship with others.

Feeling safe will support her to manage her emotions. Managing her emotions will allow her to participate in life (childhood model of engagement).

some Of it is age appropriate, some of it is maladaptive and there are ways to support your daughter so it doesn’t become anxiety.

DS is 4 and doesn’t like loud noises or going into rooms by himself. But 100 years ago they would never have experienced loud hand dryers or that level of independence (unless they were chimney sweeps or miners kids in which case they would’ve been raised to it and part of a group).

I talk to DS about the things he can change to make himself feel comfortable. Eg we can’t turn the extraction fan off in the bathroom so we have to live with it, can we be tough today or do we need a lamp instead? I empathise with him and support him, not shame or dismiss. We name his emotions and fears and then he practices and sees the outcome. It’s an effort and a half but so far working and I hope he’s learning to adapt to and tolerate the things he can’t change, like random loud noises or going to a room by himself. Lots of praise and making him acknowledge his own bravery and how it all was fine afterwards.

we’re also working on things like him getting snacks and drinks when he’s hungry, turning on lights, looking after his needs independently (but supervised from a distance) so if he is alone he doesn’t feel helpless and like he “can’t” help himself. To me this is parenting, and it’s hard work but also groundwork for when things get even more complicated later.

Absolutely get mental health support too though. I worked out this is what he needed after having therapy because my parents did the opposite and told me I wasn’t allowed out of my bed at night (obviously to keep me safe) and minimised my fears (because they had too much on their plates already and needed a confident child who could get on with it) but this made me scared of the dark and being alone in the dark as a consequence, which lasted for years as anxiety. It’s worth reflecting on the environments you’re setting up too. Good luck.

Agreed! Anxiety, autism, ADHD…why are some people so hell bent on pathologising normal childhood behaviour?

I used to believe that. I really did.

Then I realise my concept of “normal” was skewed, because my kid was autistic and so was I 🤣

I get that this is the case with some behaviours (I have experience in the area) but the majority of kids go through this phase. It’s totally really normal.

And rushing off the get a “referral” takes services away from kids who are genuinely struggling and need a diagnosis!