Daughter scared of moving around own home

[Ilovechocolate87]

My DD is 6.She is scared of going into different rooms of our house and especially upstairs if we are downstairs/downstairs if we are upstairs.It has always been the case abit, but was made alot worse by the fact that in the summer the smoke alarm went off several times up there including during the night.

Now she literally doesn't want to go from one room to another sometimes without us coming aswell.Sometimes I do get irritated with it if I'm literally in the next room (it's a small house).She often wants me to sing a song which if I'm a couple of rooms away or if she is going upstairs I will sit on the stairs and do, and it seems to reassaure her, but I won't do it if say she is going to the toilet in the downstairs cloakroom, and I am in the lounge next door.But I wonder how long term she will move through this fear.

She is very sensitive to loud noises- hand dryers have always been an issue, and she has ear defenders for various situations at school and has used them for discos, underground trains, fireworks etc.

She is also awaiting an ADHD assessment.

We also have big problems with toilets with automatic flushes....have had to buy a she-wee and a radar key (disabled ones never seem to have them) as she can be literally be bursting but refuse to use them due to the fear.

Does she need some sort of therapy?

Do we need to do some sort of 'gradual exposure' thing?

Will she just grow out of it?

Feel like we are rescuing her too mcuh sometimes, but equally don't want to expose her/push her too hard and make the fear worse and more deep set.

But AIBU to think that most 6yos aren't scared of moving around their own home? :-/

A lot of kids go through this. I remember my poor mum having to sing at the bottom of the stairs when I went to the toilet. I did grow out of it though.

My gf is 8 and is bit like this, not to the extent op’s dd is though . It was mainly going upstairs on her own, she is getting better but she wants the lights on to go upstairs.

Thise automatic hand driers are really loud when you’re on the same level as them, as most small children are. I found this out when I was using a wheelchair for a while. It scared the shit out of mr the first time I was wheeled past one.

Developmental stage. She’ll grow out of it.

This.

I have adhd (diagnosed within the last 2 years) and have really bad sensory issues. Mine are in relation to noises too, either loud noises or too many noises at once (eg someone talking when the tv is on). I really struggle and get really stressed. Noise cancelling headphones really help me. Obviously harder with a child. I also am really funny with textures of clothing or wet washing 🤢

People are right that autism is often also diagnosed with adhd. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had both.

mine Wasn’t picked up until I was an adult so I know how hard it can be but it sounds like your doing a great job in recognising her struggles.

Sounds like a phase. I'd give it zero attention. She will grow past it.

Yes my 6 year old does this too. Lots of people saying their ND child displayed these behaviours but that doesn't mean the behavior is specific to ND children. Both NT and ND kids will go through this stage. I remember going through it myself as a child (I was convinced there was something under my bed that would grab my ankles!)

My seven year old boy is exactly the same - been like this for a year or so but progressively getting worse. Won’t use the toilet/ shower/ bath unless someone is with him and will avoid doing a poo for days - and even once soiled himself rather than use the toilet alone when everyone else was in the room next door and I said I’d stand outside talking to him. Normally convinces his siblings to come with him if he’s moving from room to room otherwise will stay where we are even if he really needs something from another room. I’m finding it really frustrating as he seems to be getting less independent than he was age 5.

He’s also being assessed for adhd - I never saw the link but since other posters whose children have the similar issues have mentioned adhd, I wonder if it’s related somehow.

There were all kinds of things I did as a young child that I grew out of, likewise my son was the same. It doesn't necessarily have to mean being on the spectrum or ADHD etc. How is she in other areas of normal life??

I remember being scared of empty rooms at home too when I was little. Unfortunately, my mother was not the sort to help me overcome it, but I did grow out of it in the end.

There's a lot of autism in my family and I have sometimes wondered if I am somewhere on the spectrum.

Have you sat her down - at a calm time - and explained that scary feelings don't 100% mean actual danger?

You should always listen to your feelings, but then, stop and think, are they helping me (e.g. telling me to keep away from a long drop where I might fall?) or are they mistaken (telling me I must not go into a room where nothing bad has ever happened to me)?

If she is not sure, she could ask you and you could talk about it. Yes, that looks dirty, you're right not to touch it, let's make it clean together! or Are you worried because you can't see in there? You could get the torch and see for yourself and then the scary will go away.

If you can swing it, that's a hugely useful skill to learn - see all the posts on here from grown adults who can't untangle feelings from what is in their own interests.

Maybe a reward chart for every time she deals with her fear approximately?

I would say this is pretty normal.

Most kids tend to follow their mum around everywhere but some kids take this a bit further and get anxiety about being alone.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much as it’s probably just a phase.

I would do things like let her watch a movie or play on a screen and then get a drink or snack from the next room or nip to the toilet etc.

You want her to be doing something she enjoys and then nip out and nip back.

I would initially tell her you’re going to the toilet or getting a drink, but then start not telling her but making it obvious that you’ve just come back in the room.

Once you get to a point where she’s ok with you nipping in and out, then you can start extending the time you’re in another room.

I was like this. On the TV News had been talk of guerrillas fighting somewhere and I got it into my head that gorillas lived on our second floor. (Tall terraced house, second floor empty because of leaking roof and ceiling had collapsed).

I had to pass the bottom of the stairs to get to the only loo on first floor. Then it wasn’t helped that my older siblings went to see Jason and the Argonauts and scared my younger brother and I about the monster Talos in the film.

My mum found out what they had done and made them go with us everytime we went to the loo. But I don’t remember ever explaining to anyone about the guerrillas.

Im wondering if your Dd would benefit from a ‘magic’ torch or teddy bear/bracelet or something that can protect her when she’s scared.

The other thing is to very gradually increase the distance between you and her each time she insists on your presence.

Although my worries were silly, they were very, very real to me at that age. The other thing that would have helped would have been more lights on. It was often a case of running from the dark landing to the safety of a well lit room.

Then it was a case of saving money, now it’s for saving the planet (and money). I still don’t like going into dark rooms.

My DD went through the upstairs / downstairs thing around 8 as did my friends 6 year old during Covid. I put it down to fear and she did get over it.I think her younger brother misses it as he used to get asked for sleepovers all the time and now he doesn’t!

I will read up on the sensitive child / autism as DD is a very sensitive / emotionally aware child and I do expect some kind of neuro divergence on top of her diagnosed dyslexia.

I was the same. Our loo was upstairs and I hated having to go up on my own. My daughter is also the same. I generally humour her as I assume she will grow out of it by her teens and start loving her own space, as I did.

That sounds like autism not ADHD. Needing ear defenders at all is pretty much a given then is some ASD issue occurring. Good luck with the assessments.

My DGD was the same. She watched a prank video about burglars and really took it to heart, although it was supposed to be humorous.
She also hated loud hand dryers, the vacuum cleaner etc but she has gradually grown out of it and is fine now. It's frustrating but we found the best thing was just to quietly go along with it.

I was also like this as a child - not helped by parental insistence on having all doors closed at all times (keep the heat in!) and only turning on lights when absolutely necessary, compounded by seeing 'something scary' when walking past an open doorway.

I am ADHD though, so overactive imagination was very definitely in play. I would have been fine if I'd been able to keep doors open and lights on.

I have grown out of it now, mostly, but still dislike going upstairs to the loo in a dark house.

Hi! This was me as a child and I'm autistic. It could be to do with the ADHD though as well.

I grew out of it in a way in that I can use hand dryer in toilets (though I still hate them as they are FAR too loud) and wear ear plugs when my husband does the hoovering.

I still get freaked out going up/downstairs in the dark when there's no one there though.

sounds like autism to me. My autistic daughter was just like yours sounds

Both my sons did this. One on the ADHD pathways, one neurotypical.

Have you asked her why? When I asked my neurotypical son he said that when it was dark he was terrified as he thought if he looked out the window he'd see a giant scary monster face pushed against it.

After that I was more sympathetic! He grew out of it by age eight.

I was very frightened of the dark at that age and didn't like going upstairs on my own, even with the lights on. My horrible older sister and cousins used to frighten me with scarey tales which is probably why. My parents used to tell me not to be so stupid, which didn't help.

Some of these things are in even the mildest children's TV programmes or cartoons, even as jokes, particularly close to Halloween.
Does she have a very vivid imagination?

My own DC were sometimes scared of things like this but grew out of it with reassurance.

My DD was exactly the same about going upstairs alone at that age (she had none of the noise sensitivity though) I remember having the same fear when I was that age and singing so my parents could hear me! Neither me or DD have autism or anything. Anecdotally, my autistic son never had this fear at all.
No matter what we said to DD to reassure her that this was her home and it was perfectly safe, she just couldn't go upstairs alone.
She grew out of it around age 8. Two things helped. Firstly, when her friend was visiting and the downstairs loo was occupied, her friend just ran upstairs without a second thought. I pointed this out to DD.
Second was getting Alexas upstairs for her to talk to. Or we would connect the upstairs/downstairs one so we could talk to each other. We didn't have to do this for long.
Maybe she'd have just grown out of it anyway, but they helped.
I don't think it's that much of an unusual fear. I've spoken to other people with the same. It's similar to adults who turn the lights off downstairs at bedtime and run up the stairs, because they have an irrational fear of somebody behind them. That's more common than you'd think!

Pretty common for this age group anyway, most grow out of it.

Make sure it is picked up via the ADHD referral.

Far too many people scream 'anxiety' when actually the correct diagnosis is 'young'.

Get her walkie talkies perhaps.

Nothing wrong with singing so she knows you're there, that's very nice.

Oh, come off it.

Its normal behaviour for a child.