I’ve failed my DS

[Failedmamaa]

Last night DS (10) and I were chatting. He explained that he feels “pushed out” and like we “don’t have time for him. The truth is, in the week especially life is really hectic. My DH suffers from chronic fatigue and depression ever since Covid. He works but comes home exhausted. I also work really long hours (and we can’t afford for me to cut my hours as I’m the main earner). When the DC get home from after school club it’s a mad scramble to give them dinner, do any homework, bathed etc. Most nights we watch a TV show together. DS said he didn’t think this is “quality time” and wants us all to play board games etc like we do at the weekend. I just don’t have the energy for it alongside everything else. Am I really failing here?

I don't know about you, but I find my kids demand my attention when they should be doing something else. I can potter around for hours, but they only want to be with me when I say it's time for homework or bed. Encourage your DS to be with you in the kitchen while you get dinner ready. Sit and eat together without the TV. Then encourage him to help you clean up. You'll get done what you need to get done, and he'll get more chance to chat. But when you're done, say so. "Sorry kid, I just need to sit here and not think about anything for half an hour. You can sit with me, but I can't answer any questions."

You’ve not failed your kid, I wouldn’t want to play board games after a busy day at work. Could you prepare food in advance or eat the same thing multiple times a week to make dinner time easier?

We do have dinner every night at the table. Yesterday we also went to a shop on the way home so they could chose a Christmas bauble each. I think what doesn’t help is the rest of us are a family of introverts whereas DS is very much an extrovert. He seemingly needs almost constant interaction/ 1 on 1 time.

He broke my heart yesterday by saying sometimes he makes up problems at school/ with his friends because he knows that will mean I drop everything to chat to him.

Ah bless him. But no, you’re not failing at all. I agree with @leafinthewind, is he supposed to read in this time or school work? It’s defo a distraction technique or a postponing attempt. I think all kids do this and to be really really honest, I can’t imagine many full time working parents ( or parents really!) have the time or energy for board games on a school night. Save that for the weekend when everyone can be invested

Not a parent but MY parents didn't play board games with me during the week when they came in from work and I certainly didn't expect it of them. I doubt many working parents do!

At 10, I think your son is old enough to understand that isn't viable during the working week.

Having said all that, after school and in the evenings (when it was still enough) I would be out in the street playing with my friends. Board games with the parentals would have seemed like a punishment! Times have changed now and so many kids stay indoors.

I think it's fantastic that he feels comfortable to discuss this with you. How about finding some games you can play while cooking dinner? A quiz type one so you're not sitting at a board playing. You can ask each other questions. You can make it a weekly competition. Person with most Q's right at end of week gets to decide on weekend activity for example.

My DS is similar. I work shifts and am shattered sometimes. He’s an only child.

Would you and he be up for doing jigsaws? They’re far less full on than games. We have one of those flat case things to store it in. He goes on and off doing them but when he’s in an interested mood we’ll sit and do them with him. It’s strangely relaxing 🤣

Aw bless him. You're not failing him as such but sounds like changes need to be made - would it really kill you to have a game night once or twice a week? Or something other than sitting in front of the TV. Maybe let everyone else eat then take him out for dinner once a month or something to just mix things up and spend quality time? There's not many adults that would be upfront and voice this to their partner for example - so for him to come and say this to you is a huge thing. Don't carry on as you are. Make life changes.

Can your DH get a work from home job? Can you make any changes other than cutting hours I.e work towards a promotion to have more money?

Sounds like changes really do need to be made- the lying to friends thing is a warning sign you need to take seriously - he's begging for attention.

I don’t think you’re failing, but he is communicating a need and you recognise that something has to be done about it. It’s great that he’s spoken to you about it - it shows he trusts you and feels safe expressing vulnerable feelings to you.

Could you pick one night of the week to be an ‘activity’ night where he gets the quality time he’s after? Maybe cook and freeze something at the weekend so dinner takes no times and have Wednesdays (or whatever day) be board games night.

It might be that however much you give he wants more (most children are like this!) but if you agree to one night it shows you’re listening and value his feelings and input.

And it’s not harmful to explain that the rest of the week there isn’t the time & social battery to do activities every night, but that you enjoy the time you spend together and will happily dedicate an extra night to it.

Does he belong to any clubs after school? DS is a full on want to be doing something all the time person as am I, DH isn’t. It was a bit tiring over a few years even for me with my long commute. He did football and cadets, I found physical stuff was the best, I was also like this as a child. As an adult I’m the same but nature has slowed me down.

We have a ridiculous number of board games. Agree with a suggestion upthread we do quizzes together, even now.

I think you need to listen to him and try to find a compromise. Perhaps board games once a week or you could find a quiz on the YouTube quiz channel to do which might be less work. If it’s the clearing up of board games you hate you could find online versions or apps. DP and I play chess on our phones in odd moments. Sometimes we’ll do a whole game, other times a couple of moves and then we’ll be too busy to reply for a couple of days.

@RightTimeRightPlace yes I agree he’s begging for attention. I think he always feels out of place in our family - the rest of us are quiet and self contained, happy to spend time reading in the same room or whatever. DS is very much not like that and it’s hard to adapt.

We play lots of board games etc with him at the weekend when there’s more time. The games he likes are all too much in the week - (things like 1 to T-Rex/ throw throw burrito) will try and find some calmer card games or something we can do quick games of.

DH unfortunately wouldn’t be suited for an office/ home job for lots of reasons. His job is very physical. My job is very demanding and I don’t think a promotion would help, it would just be more demanding if you see what I mean.

I am going to speak to my boss about changing my hours around - maybe starting earlier and finishing earlier. Hopefully that will carve us out a bit more time

I think the ideas of a games night midweek once a week are a good one. I was flapping trying to work out how we could fit it in every day. Once a week feels much more doable and as you say the important thing is it shows DS we are listening.

A couple of rounds of Uno are quickly done, or Exploding Kittens. Quizzes a good idea, or something like Geoguessr (educational too).

I would also suggest one night a week games night. Choose an easy tea, or even a take-away and sit on the sofa and play a game together. It will break the week up and he will feel he is getting some quality time.
It won’t be long until he’s off wanting to do his own thing anyway, so it won’t be forever.

I think the idea of a mid week game is good. But can you include him in the tasks that need sorting every night?

While there may be no time for games including him in getting dinner while catching up may help him feel better .

I get it, I work full-time ex has severe MH issues so I understand the survival mode. Be very proud you raised a child able to ask for his needs.

@Marblessolveeverything survival mode is a good way of explaining it. And I think I need to work on my reaction to reading your message which if I’m honest was “can’t I just cook in peace”. I would never say that to DS but he’s a sensitive child and might be picking up on my attitude. Lots to unpick there, thank you

He has told you what he needs and now it’s time to compromise.
you don’t have to play every night but make one or two nights game nights - even just an hour. Vegging in front of the tv isn’t working for him.

You haven't failed your son at all you are doing your best under difficult circumstances. I think your DH is putting additional pressure on you all . What your son said is heartbreaking but you can't do it all alone .

I wouldn't be playing a long game like Monopoly midweek but I keep quick games at hand in the kitchen, battle ships, Guess Who, Connect 4 and Uno and normal playing cards. Several of those can be played whilst cooking or even afterwards just clear the table and give it a quick wipe down before washing up. You can absolutely squeeze in 10 mins with one of those and sometimes 10 minutes isall it takes to have that reconnection.

During lockdown DD and I learnt a new card game every week, that was quite fun and didn't take too long. Get him to research the rules and teach you at the weekend and then you can play it midweek.

Nobody needs to blame anyone. Make time for him. Have your dh make time for him even if its from his bed he can still run quizzes laugh and joke.

I do not think you have failed him - he felt able to tell you this, so that is a plus.

Most parents grumble that their children just want to veg out in front of the TV/phone/gaming etc. and do not want to spend time with them! You have the opposite problem.

I guess that talking with him about it and explaining how full on your day is and how you need to rest up a bit when you get home - but also saying that you too would like to spend time doing things with him, so involve him in ways that this can be achieved and also you get time to relax a bit. See what ideas he has about it - he is old enough to understand the idea of compromise. If he is part of the plan he is more likely to feel happy with it.

Good luck.

You haven't failed him, it's just life. My mum was a single parent and had to work long hours to keep a roof over our head. I was a bit of a latch key kid, but appreciate it now I'm a parent. She worked bloody hard.

Is he watching Disney type families on TV all of the time and thinking family life at home isn't that and its somehow wrong? I think you need to explain to him what the real world is like. TV and film paints a very different picture to real life sadly.

One thing I do with my own son is cook with him so it gets a job done, he enjoys the attention and gets to learn a skill too. It is very difficult with me as I also have another child with LD to look after who is constantly getting into trouble, so it is very hard to give the other child attention and I don't have much free time with us both working FT too. I know how you feel.

Is it fun and entertainment he wants, or some one on one time with you?
What's his bedtime routine? Do you spend any time with him alone before he goes to bed so he can talk to you?
Just trying to work out what he wants so you can support him without running yourself into the ground.