I’ve failed my DS

[Failedmamaa]

Last night DS (10) and I were chatting. He explained that he feels “pushed out” and like we “don’t have time for him. The truth is, in the week especially life is really hectic. My DH suffers from chronic fatigue and depression ever since Covid. He works but comes home exhausted. I also work really long hours (and we can’t afford for me to cut my hours as I’m the main earner). When the DC get home from after school club it’s a mad scramble to give them dinner, do any homework, bathed etc. Most nights we watch a TV show together. DS said he didn’t think this is “quality time” and wants us all to play board games etc like we do at the weekend. I just don’t have the energy for it alongside everything else. Am I really failing here?

Clearly the very physical job combined with the fatigue etc isn't working. Have a sit down with your DH he needs to make changes too.

Maybe he's a bit little for it yet, but my DS loves gaming with friends online - Minecraft realms or Gorilla Tag on VR. It gives him people to play with from home when we're unable to. Which sounds sad I know, but he really loves it and it's all safe and kids his own age etc. If he wants to play games, he'd be better off playing it with peers not expecting his parents to want to do it on a weeknight. Soon enough, he won't be asking you anyway so there is the argument of enjoy it while it lasts, but understand it's not poss when too fried.

How hard is it to have a quick game of Uno or something after dinner a couple of times a week? It can be raucous but it's short lived. You play a hand and then the winner gets to deal next time for continuity. He's 10, you've got maybe 3 years max of him wanting to spend time with you voluntarily. I'd suck it up and find a way, personally.

I'm in a similar situation with one really demanding kid. He's lovely but like you I'm in survival mode and just want to be left alone. Things we've done lately:

I leave a pot of pens and diaries on the kitchen table. The boys draw something from their day, help me cook and we choose music together to listen to.

My kid wants to be playing games all the time but he's a very sore loser and this often leads to squabbling. We do jigsaws now (easyish grownup ones) and also use bananagrams to see how many words we can make.

I did really have to have deep chats w DH. The pattern of him keeping all his energy for work - is it really sustainable? DH used to do barely anything w the kids but now he does loads and has a good relationship w them. He's on meds and has therapy too which has helped a lot.

I find my kids demand my attention when they should be doing something else.

This is so true. The only time my son wants to have a deep conversation is when we are already late and he should be putting his shoes on.

I notice your son is 10, so probably in Y6, coming to the end of primary school, big changes on the horizon, moving away from the security of childhood and family. Maybe that is what he is looking for more of? Or maybe I am projecting because I think 11 is too young for secondary and I am panicking at the thought. Anyway yes, as others have said, involving him in cooking and chores will either give him a chance to chat or make him decide actually it's not that important

A typical evening would be DH picks up kids from after school club and they all get home at about 5:30. I am home by 6. DS is usually playing his guitar when I get in. Youngest is colouring/ reading/ Hama beads. DH is doing chores. I start making dinner straight away and DH usually falls asleep on sofa whilst I’m doing this. I try and have dinner ready by 6:30. We eat all together at the table. By 7 we’ve eaten and I do the dishes and the kids read or do homework. At 7:30 we watch a tv show together (Simpsons is proving popular). After that’s finished by about 8 one of us takes youngest upstairs and does bath/ bed routine. Oldest DS goes to bed at 8:30 and reads in his room until 9. We used to read to DS as well but in the last few months he’s asked if he can read on his own. He thinks it’s babyish to be read to. So there isn’t loads of sitting them in front of the tv and leaving them to it but equally I can see there is very little 1 on 1 time for oldest DS especially.

Ah he sounds sweet - and like my son who is also the major extrovert in our house!

I find that little and often helps. Ten minutes playing football, make lunch together, a quick game of pool, watch him play PlayStation (boring but he likes it).

Literally ten minutes here and there seems to keep him happy across the day.

I think jigsaw puzzles and easy card games like Uno are a really good idea. Just make sure the jigsaw has good quality pieces (good brands like Ravensburger) or they can be very annoying! We have bought a few off ebay.

Also what about reading to him? There are some great books for tweens that you could read a few pages of to him each evening. Or what about doing a few online games like wordle or solitaire together.

It's great that he can talk to you - I don't think he's doing it to get out of homework at all, he just wants a little bit of your time and i'm sure you can find a way that works.

Whilst the youngest is being bathed that's your window. 10 mins of quiet time before reading and bed

I see DS thinks it's babyish for you to read to him now - I wonder if some edgier books would change his mind!

Yes that’s true. I can see it now it’s written down. I think DH and I have both got into awful habits of whoever is not doing bath time the other one uses it as a chance to be alone! I know that sounds awful written down. Poor DS. I will definitely be talking about all of this to DH tonight

Get him in the kitchen helping you make dinner evert night......I found that was a good, easy way to engage with my dc and chat.

Oh OP your heart!

Firstly a couple of low energy 'board' games to try -

Colour brain - (coloured cards & questions like 'the colours of marmite & bovril lids')

Kosmos - EXIT (escape room type game, puzzles taking around an hour)

Weird things humans search for (another by Big Potato games, worth looking at their stuff if you're not familiar already)

Jigsaws are an amazing idea from another PP. Look up the Colin Thompson designs, they are really engaging & a pleasure to do. Lego do a couple of really good ones too.

Does he have a PlayStation or xbox? If so, could you both play something like minecraft together? It's pretty chill & you could create a world together over a period of time.

Finally - a weekly rota, so you do things on particular nights. They don't have to be massive but maybe him knowing that Wednesday night is an hour of an EXIT game, Monday's you make dinner together etc. That way he knows there is dedicated time for him.

Forgot to say - You haven't failed him!! I'd say you've an amazing job at raising a boy who can articulate his emotions at such a young age.

I have the morning off today so I’m furiously scribbling all your ideas down. I have ordered a few board games and puzzles. I like the idea of a rota. I’ll talk to DS about what he wants to be on the rota when he gets home.

Oh bless his little heart. I don't think you're letting him down, but I do think he must be very secure in your relationship to have opened up like this! ❤

Evenings are clearly a problem spot for you guys (as with most families, mine included!) but could you find some quality time in the mornings? Maybe you get up earlier together so you can spend time together?

Can he (and youngest) not do homework at the after school club?

Bath time can be done pre dinner by DH. Straight in from school - bathed - jammies (at this cosy time of year!) DH nap, Then dinner, games/tv/crafts then brush teeth and bed.

I know you didn't answer this point but DH really needs to review his job I'd say, even cut a few hours. Could he apply got PIP or similar?

I haven't RTFT yet but you've certainly not failed your child - you've brought him up to feel secure enough to be honest with you about how he feels. He's emotionally intelligent enough to understand what he wants/needs and also to know how to put that into words. That's a great gift you've given him.

Just wanted to say that before I read the rest.

The other option is how does your morning look? Prep dinner in the morning or use a slow cooker and it's ready as you walk through the door. Or cook 2x the amount you need and just reheat of things like cottage pie and lasagne have one on Monday night and the other on Wednesday etc

In the mornings I’m out the door before anyone else is awake. I leave at 6:30. The kids get up with DH at 7. They are given breakfast, get ready for school and he drops them at breakfast club for 8:20. He does spend time with them in the morning but difficult alongside getting ready for school/ work etc.

I think you need to have a bit more faith in yourself and not jump to "I have failed my child" when they moan. Of course you haven't failed him - you know your life is fairly normal. Kids will always whinge that they aren't getting more.

I would make a conscious effort to be engaged and chatty with him after school, but don't get it in your head that you've failed him.

DHhas cut his hours already and now works a standard 9-5 day, (he worked much longer hours & weekends Pre Covid). We are working the amount of hours we are working because that’s what we need to earn to pay the mortgage. DH is also dyslexic. Brilliant with his hands/ physical work but much less suited to office environments or wfh jobs as has been suggested.

Replace the tv tie with uno, snap, or something else simple.
Oh and give DH a kick up the arse RE falling asleep before dinner. How selfish. Be with your kid FGS

I see. I wonder if he'd be eligible for PIP or something. He mentally can't do office jobs etc so is sort of being forced to do manual work even though that's probably really hard with his health conditions. Shame for him really hope you can find an alternative. Obviously that's an aside to the issue with your son. Just to add- you sound like a great mum. You've taken this to heart and taken it all on board and are working to find a solution- kudos to you.