I’ve failed my DS

[Failedmamaa]

Last night DS (10) and I were chatting. He explained that he feels “pushed out” and like we “don’t have time for him. The truth is, in the week especially life is really hectic. My DH suffers from chronic fatigue and depression ever since Covid. He works but comes home exhausted. I also work really long hours (and we can’t afford for me to cut my hours as I’m the main earner). When the DC get home from after school club it’s a mad scramble to give them dinner, do any homework, bathed etc. Most nights we watch a TV show together. DS said he didn’t think this is “quality time” and wants us all to play board games etc like we do at the weekend. I just don’t have the energy for it alongside everything else. Am I really failing here?

My youngest is a bit like this. We've recently taken to just having the question boxes from kid/adult trivial pursuit on the table and everyone takes a turn asking the questions, it fills DS2's need to feel like we're doing an activity but also leads to interesting chats and can end at any time.

Bigger picture - you've raised a kid who can share his big worries with you. That's good parenting right there.

I would love for him to have more clubs/ hobbies but we simply can’t afford it. Other than swimming lessons for both DC there is no money for anything like that. We can just about afford to live at the moment

He’s just asking for time with you, that’s all. I really wouldn’t worry about clubs/hobbies.

Can you invite his friends over once a week?
I think two nights of homework
One mid week games night and a friend over weekly, Friday was our favourite day for this is doable with a FT job. I say this because he sounds lonely.

I understand your dh is unwell. I have health issues. So I understand but he could do a jigsaw or read with your son. I wonder if your dh condition is impacting your son. Also it’s a lot just on you op. To do such long hours and have to entertain mid week.it sounds exhausting. Your dh works, so he should help more in this way.

I would ask my dc to cut the veggies, cook and take care of the dog walking. Things that helped me, but we would chat a long the way. Listen to music and enjoy the time.

Dobble is your friend here. Amazing 5 min game ( or much longer if you have time) . That is also fun for adults. We have ours in the kitchen and play all of the time. Ifs great for cognitive development

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Asmodee-ASMDOBB01EN-Dobble-Card-Game/dp/B0031QBHMA/ref=asc_df_B0031QBHMA/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=226587831116&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12281883096842531335&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045578&hvtargid=pla-362861583828&psc=1

My daughter’s family do the wordle and heardle quizzes every evening after dinner . Could your DS be having a go while you cook then you could finish it together if he can’t solve it .

Can he join the cubs /scouts (not sure which age 10)? I agree that he needs some clubs. There’s a few things like cubs that don’t cost much. We have a local airfield here so there’s also the children’s club linked to that (cadets type thing). These don’t cost much at all.

I think your evenings sound fine, and whilst I agree be nice to add a midweek games night in, this is just family life. Even where one parent might not work, there’s not loads of fun mid week. That’s why I think he needs a couple of clubs to join that don’t cost much. But I’d also explain to him that when grown ups work it means they are very tired when they get home so weekday evenings are for quiet time and weekends for more fun. Because that’s how his life will go I assume, like most of us in the 9-5 daily grind

Could you do slow cooker meals that can be prepared the evening before and put on to cook before your DH goes to work? That would free up some time you spend cooking especially if you prep the vegetables beforehand too?

Agree with JassyRadlett - it's fantastic that he feels he can share this with you.

My 8yo got a 'Would You Rather?' book for her birthday. I was reminded of this yesterday when she wanted to share and chat through some of the scenarios with me. It was a lot of fun - they range from silly to a bit gross to thought-provoking and you can do as many or as few as you like. That might be another idea?

Does he want entertainment or to spend time with you? people are suggesting a mixture. I think the latter so try and incorporate him into your routine - help with cooking/dishes etc- you could move things around - eg push dishes back until he's in bed to give more time with him. I'd reinstate the reading - or just go in and spend 15 minutes with him to chat- my 13 year old only stopped this a few months ago and it was a time when we relaxed together and talked about random stuff.
They do know how to guilt trip their parents though- not necessarily deliberately -so don't beat yourself up.

@Failedmamaa

i work a professional job and have sole care (with help twice a week from family) so I get the whole guilt about pressure of time and endless jobs.

i think, as others have said, that it’s great your son is comfortable in discussing things with you. That’s the start of being able to openly discuss his feelings. It would help him understand that it is the pressure of life rather than a lack of interest in him.

What I did with my kids was started, before your son’s age, to get them in to helping with the cooking. They have great life skills now and my son has been able to do some basic dinners by himself. This has freed up time, he has been proud of his achievements and had a great dinner made for me.

However, we still cook a lot and try different recipes. The same is in progress with my younger one.

we also do other jobs / work round the house but together and he gets paid. I have found this works and we have had quality time. Don’t forget, it won’t be long before he is a teenager and you won’t see him for dust!

You haven’t failed and it sounds like you’ve raised a son you have a close connection with where he can talk to you about how he feels. That will do him well in the future.

I know a few people have mentioned clubs, and I feel awful but we really can’t afford it. We already end up with £0 by the end of the month. And it’s not like I could cut other stuff, believe me there is nothing left to cut.
He tends to see friends on Saturdays. Grandparents Sunday afternoons.

Anyway, last night he cooked dinner with me. We all played a board game (Selfish) after dinner and we chatted before bed, after bedtime he tried to creep downstairs for a “chat”. I lost my patience a little bit at that. I’m exhausted and feel like whatever I try isn’t enough.

I really feel for you. I think by the time of the “extra” chat though he’s a little bit at it. But it probably means he just loved your company tonight. I know it seems hard won’t be long until he’s a teenager and doesn’t want the same time from you (he still needs it but won’t want it) so make the most of this little time.
also you board games are exactly the same as the ones we have. A good quick game is taco cat goat cheese pizza if you don’t have this one.
you are not failing when he’s older he will appreciate all the time you took to be with him and provide for him.

I was going to just '@' you but couldn't bear to type your name lol

Just stick with whatever your new plan is & give it a little bit of time. If he's sneaking down after bed then that's just ordinary cheeky/naughty behaviour (not manipulative!) so deal with that as a separate thing. He's old enough to understand that things work both ways so explain that you realise you need to make more time for him & are doing the rota etc & he needs to stick to the things he should do.

It's not that your efforts are conditional just that you've responsibilities to each other as family. It's just starting afresh is all.

What books does he read at bedtime?

Last night my son wanted to play dominoes at 9.30om...nope!

Instead I came up with loads of different shapes for him to make out of the dominoes - a house, a car, the poop emoji 😆

He still felt like he was interacting but I got to lie down on the settee!

Wee things like that are really useful.

You are not failing.

My ds loves board games but now his older sisters have left home there aren't really enough of us to play a lot of them. He is ND and does like my full attention so sometimes when I'm exhausted I've mustered up the energy to play exploding kittens or uno. I'd certainly look at some quick games - I've just bought 'A little Wordy' which looks like it is easily adaptable for 2 players.

That sounds really lovely! You've made lovely changes already ❤️

What about looking at parts of your routine? Can you batch cook/have one meal twice to free up cooking time? Can you ask DS to do his homework while you cook or before you are home? Can they help DH with chores? My DS is the same age and will empty the dishwasher, bring clothes/stuff upstairs, wash up etc.

has DH tried vitamin D, apparently everyone is deficient, my DH started taking it after long covid and says it helps.

Op he is pushing his luck now 😂😂