I’ve failed my DS

[Failedmamaa]

Last night DS (10) and I were chatting. He explained that he feels “pushed out” and like we “don’t have time for him. The truth is, in the week especially life is really hectic. My DH suffers from chronic fatigue and depression ever since Covid. He works but comes home exhausted. I also work really long hours (and we can’t afford for me to cut my hours as I’m the main earner). When the DC get home from after school club it’s a mad scramble to give them dinner, do any homework, bathed etc. Most nights we watch a TV show together. DS said he didn’t think this is “quality time” and wants us all to play board games etc like we do at the weekend. I just don’t have the energy for it alongside everything else. Am I really failing here?

You did not read the OP re her husbands health

You are not failing. You are raising a mature child who feels so loved and secure that he is able to communciate his needs and wants to you. He trusts you, he knows that you love him and will listen to him.

I think he rota is a great idea. You could do board games one night and perhaps one other night of card games too, as you can have a game of cards in 10 minutes. We like things like uno, or dobble if you want something little one can do too. Other quick and easy games like jenga, boggle or bopit you can do quickly in 15 minutes.

Wondering whether you could keep him busy and get him involed with chores. Maybe on a night that isn't board game night you could say, I want to have time to play a game of cards, can you wash this veg / tidy your toys / put your clothes in the washing machine.

When my children were younger I used to spend 10-20 minutes talking with/listening to them individually when they were in bed, before they went to sleep. It meant they each had a little bit of undivided attention and an opportunity to talk if they wanted to.

You're not failing him, no. You are a hard working parent and very lucky that your son wants to spend time with you.

But I would suggest:

• Cut out the TV so close to bedtime/on weeknights. It's a bad habit.
• At 10 he should be reading out loud to you, so you can check his pronunciation and make sure he knows what the vocab means. This is important at this age. You can alternate - he reads a chapter and then you read a chapter. You can get through some lovely books together
• Have you considered puzzles together in the evening?

also does he have any kind of children's magazine or newspaper? If you can afford it (perhaps a gift?) then these can be great - keeps them engaged and you can discuss it together

Wondering whether you could keep him busy and get him involved with chores. Maybe on a night that isn't board game night you could say, I want to have time to play a game of cards, can you wash this veg / tidy your toys / put your clothes in the washing machine.

This is a really good idea - simultaneously getting him to take more responsibility for himself/the house as appropriate, with a carrot for afterwards!

If you have Alexa you can get various quizzes and interactive stories on it which my kids found endlessly entertaining. Uno is a great card game that you can play for 5-10 minutes and when the time us up whoever has the least card wins. I think what you need is to multi task a little better. I listen to audiobooks when I'm cleaning or driving. If he doesn't want to be read to then an audio book could be a really good alternative while you are doing a jigsaw for 5-10 minutes or while he is loading the dish washer or bins etc ( which he is plenty old enough to do).

My kids always really enjoyed watching bbc Attenborough docs and also working through the Harry Potter movies. At this time of year it could be Christmas movies and then a related craft of Lego project if it's affordable. For the the key would be working it as a two parter. First part we do together ( movie/tv) then a second party they do mostly independently but which I can dip into /talk to them about it while I'm doing chores like a jigsaw or craft thing.

A tip I heard was that very small amounts of quality 1:1 time make a big difference to little kids. It doesn't need to be an entire evening but 10 minutes here, sitting and giving him your whole attention, 5 minutes later on. When you have this time you really make it obvious you are focusing on the child - let them see you put away your phone etc.

Could you have jacket potato and beans for dinner 1 night mid week and while it cooks find him 20 mins?

You aren't a terrible mum. Kids don't realise that all the running around and spinning of plates is for them!

I dont think being too tired to play board games is unreasonable but the fact hes telling you he feels left out is a concern. Do you ever talk him about his day, how hes feeling etc? You could go out for breakfast on your days off or something to spend time together.

Sorry if I missed it and you have financial difficulties I am not sure why your son isn’t doing more after school hobbies and sports? He needs to socialise much more and have friends to play with, he sounds lonely and is looking to you as a substitute. My dc would play sports or hobbies 3/4/5 times a week. The other nights we would be doing homework, cooking or baking (as part of the evening meal) bubble bath, 1 hour in total reading aloud and chatting about day and poetry.

There would never be time for games - only late summer evenings and we would play in the garden and abandon the homework.

I think he needs more play dates, sports clubs and opportunities to make lots of friends. I guarantee this will work beautifully.

This sounds like a really typical household of working parents! You're doing all the right things. Give yourself a break!

I would t try to find 10 minutes a night to do something he wants to do with him. Yes life is busy, but he needs to know that even when life is busy he is on your mind all the time and you enjoy spending time with him. I have this with one DC similar age and for similar reasons, and when I find that little bit of time it makes a really big impact.

I am wondering how many play dates you host? Does he have sleepovers? Friends for dinner? Hang out with friends at the weekend?

If ds is an extrovert he will need all of these things op as a bare minimum. You can’t easily be a substitute friend for him, he needs his own sparkling social life. Do you have party nights at home? Pizza making? Friends and family over? Endless board games may not hit the spot with pre teens - many of whom might need much more at this point.

Your answer is for OP to spend less time with her son by farming him out to other people when he's explicitly said it's time with his parents he needs?

Board games are a wonderful thing to do as family & they are good for the brain. Adding in more stuff to keep the child out of your hair is not the answer. Neither is coming on a thread to try belittle the efforts another mum is making to do well by her son.

I think if he's come to you and said something specific he wants that's great. I think you need to try to do it, since you want him to come to you in the future with problems.
Board games can take ages or be short, look for short ones. He might get sick of them after a week!

No, not at all 😂 I am not suggesting he needs to be ‘out of anyone’s hair’ what a strange take on it!
I am saying a gregarious child will benefit hugely from a rich and varied social life after school involving team sports or hobbies. He can also enjoy quality time at home with his parents afterwards. Baking, reading and talking about his day.

Lots of children enjoy socialising and the fulfilment of a wide set of friends. My children certainly did - and pre teens into the teenage years especially. Having friends over, seeing lots of people is so important for extroverts.

I think you should teach him to cook.
Make it your thing together for a little bit. Tell him straight that you don’t have lots of time and energy for board games during the week but that you’d really like to teach him how to cook while you make dinner in the evenings. Bonus is that in a few years you’ll have a teen who’s capable of making dinner for everyone sometimes.

That is also a great idea!

My dad was a farmer - gone before I was up in the mornings and home after I was asleep at night.
I only saw him on Sundays - I followed him everywhere, talked to him, asked him questions, mostly made a pest of myself - but he never seemed to mind. Whether he was working in the garage or mowing the yard or making repairs to the house, there I was following close behind.
If your son truly wants your attention, it seems to me he wouldn’t be particular on the circumstances.

Aw you are not failing him at all. He knows you care enough and he feels safe and secure to open up and tell you how he’s feeling. I think that’s a huge parenting win.

We had cut bedtime with our eldest (he’s a little older than your DS) but recently realised that he was feeling a bit left out so we’ve started just going upstairs with him when he goes to bed, reading a couple of pages of a book or playing a quick game with him before bed and that’s seemed to help a lot. A little change could make a huge difference.

Card games literally 20mins. Not too loud or stressful.
Does he play online? Mine plays roblox or Minecraft with friends while chatting with them over what's app on my phone

I like the jigsaw puzzle idea.

I also think you could squeeze in some time together doing a few chores - sorting laundry, etc.

How about you and DS bake something together occasionally?

It's sort of sweet that he wants your company. A double edged sword in ways though...

Is his dad's exhaustion and depression affecting him, do you think?
Maybe have a char with him on that topic.

I don’t understand which way round the AIBU is, but not doing everything your child wants doesn’t mean you’re failing him.
The needs of the whole family need to be considered, not just what the child wants. Long term it will be detrimental to all of you if you run yourself into the ground and have zero energy left to give.
Your weekday evenings sound perfectly normal to me. Dinner, homework, bath and bed is a normal evening routine.
This sounds rather manipulative of him:
”He broke my heart yesterday by saying sometimes he makes up problems at school/ with his friends because he knows that will mean I drop everything to chat to him.”
At 10 he’s old enough to start learning that parents can’t give individual attention all the time.

Yes, watching tv Is not quality time.

I used to get my oldest to read to me when I was cooking - harry potter, percy jackson etc or he would bring his joke book down and tell me loads of rubbish jokes - he would also help cook with me. Midweek we sometimes played a few games after dinner (mixed this up with out of school activities) - my son liked charades so his job was to research all the tv shows, songs etc… or we played quick games like uno or jenga!!

He also went to cubs/ scouts one night in the week and played football / cricket so the activities were not all home based and he was able to let off steam.