Friend constantly on her 'phone

[Bitchinabonnet]

I'd really appreciate your opinions on this as I'm struggling to know if I'm BU or not .

I have a friend . Let's call her Kelly . We're both in our early 50s and have known each other since for over 30 years .

We don't live close to each other but get together 2/3 times a year . I might go to hers , she'll come to us and once a year we'll have a weekend away .

Since mobile 'phones have been around she's always been attached to hers . Not social media or web sites but constantly talking and messaging . Most of the time to her partner . I'm talking talking 5/6 times a day and regularly texting/WhatsApping/sending photos . She's messaging other people too but in the main her partner . Kelly now has a smart watch so it's a case of her constantly checking her watch for messages .

You could argue that it's none of my business . But it's always irritated me . I find it rude , like she can't be in the moment just relaxing and having fun as she's always checking her 'phone/watch .

It actually causes us to be late , miss things , have activities interrupted as she's on her 'phone .

Last time we got together I told her how annoying I found it and that I thought it was rude . We don't see each other very often so it's not on to be constantly on the 'phone . She wasn't angry but used the excuse she's always 'busy' so uses her 'phone a lot more than me . 'Busy' not with work but with her partner and family/friends .

We're seeing each other soon . I received a message last night basically listing why she will need to be messaging/online during that time . Again , nothing to do with work .

I'm tempted to cancel . Just fed up with it . The only other person I've mentioned it to is a mutual friend who says it's excessive and will never change .

AIBU ?

It’s okay for you to find it irritating and it’s probably not very polite of her, but I don’t think we can control others to the extent of how often they use their phone, talk to a partner or other friends. It’s a case of setting your own boundaries instead of trying to change someone else’s behaviour. Does it bother you enough to end the friendship? Is it something you are willing to put up with 2X a year for the sake of keeping her in your life?

And has it worked? Your telling her that you think she is inappropriate in her phone use in your company?

Because usually telling other people how to behave doesn’t have any impact other than to annoy them.

Truthfully , I would say it hasn't worked in the sense that I don't think it will change her behaviour . None of us has the ability to change how another person behaves .
But I have communicated how I feel about it . So if she carries on in the same way then it tells me what I need to know in regards to our friendship .
So therefore it was definitely worth saying something .

I would postpone. Tell Kelly that you would prefer to meet on an occasion where there is no requirement for her to be in constant contact with other people. If she cannot do that, then just don't meet her.

FWIW my friendship groups are late 40s/early 50s and we generally only meet up once or twice a year and I have never had this issue with any of them. Yes we all have our phones 'standing by' so that partners/kids etc can get in touch, but there is never an occasion where outward calls are made. No-one is messaging unless its to message one of the group that is on their way etc or to share stupid photos (between ourselves) that we just took. We are far too busy nattering amongst each other to be distracted by phones.

If Kelly is not engaged with you, which she clearly isn't, then she isn't really a friend and she isn't worth your time.

I’d cancel. Unless you are waiting on hospital test results or another type of emergency call, everyone can put their phone down for a couple of flipping hours. The world isn’t going to end.

I mean, good grief, what does she do at work or whilst she’s sleeping?

I think it’s great you’ve communicated with her. If she still decides she can’t get off her phone then you equally have the right to decide not to meet her. Choice goes both ways 🤷🏻‍♀️

So many people, when faced with someone rightly pointing out a glaring fault in their behaviour, will still maintain a kind of automatic defiance rather than just reflect and say sorry. They think it's saving face. Unfortunately it just makes them look even more of an arse.

I'm not sure what I would do tbh.I totally agree it's so rude to be 2nd choice to a phone .I'm watching my DIL being constantly on her phone and it's just sad and so disrespectful .I think I would go along just on off chance the boyfriend is controlling and that's why she is available to him at all times .That's why I would suck it up. I wish I had the nerve but I've always wanted to just start reading my book when faced with a phone addict.

I'm with you on this one, OP.
I have an 80 year old friend who is addicted to her phone.
At a concert she insisted on doing her Duolingo exercises even as the lights went down and the performer came on stage.
Another time she rang her plumber although it could have waited.

Tell busy Sally you'll meet "another time" and make sure that that time never comes!

It honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to expect that someone whom one rarely sees might actually be emotionally available during a visit: good manners and kindness are more important than some supposed norm you have invented out of whole cloth. I use my phone a fair bit, but not to the exclusion of basic civility. Incidentally, once upon a time people were quite capable of spending lengthy stretches of time with their friends without dividing their attention all over digital space and the world did not come to an end . . . .

I think you have to be careful when checking your phone, both at work and with friends/family.

A quick glance to check the time or see no urgent messages is ok, but a prolongued period of time reading or texting can unsettle the person you're with.

OP, as pp suggested, just tell her let's meet when you're less busy.

🙄

The replies on this thread are just plain bullying

There'd a real air of smugness in the way you've purposefully said 'phone each time some of you would pick a fight in an empty room!

Hi @Bitchinabonnet I would not bother with this friend any longer. Just cancel and don't rebook! Does she really bring much to your life... really? I have a (sort of) friend - ex colleague - who I see every 4-5 months for a coffee, and she has her mobile phone on the desk in the cafe for the whole 2 hours I am with her. She is glancing down at it for probably 50-60% of the time we're together.

When she gets a text or whatsapp message, she always answers it, and always answers phone calls. They are never important either, and are her mum, her husband, or one of her (adult) children. Asking what's for dinner later, or if she can swing by Aldi and get a loaf of bread. She spends 5 minutes chatting too. Annoys me so much, that I am thinking of just stopping seeing her. She brings nothing to my life really. We have no mutual friends and not much history together. (I only met her in 2014.) But I would do the same if I had known her 30 years.

I know you have known this friend longer, but still, if she is bringing so little to your life, and is so rude, why bother with her?

All the best.

Yep, and as usual MNHQ delete the people challenging the bullying, not the bullies.

I have to say your use of a space before a full stop is a new one to me.

I’d just say, okay it sounds like you’re too busy to meet up - let me know when you have some free time.

The fact that you use 'phone suggests you don't use yours a lot. I think many of us use our phones a lot these days, so perhaps your expectations are out of line with what many of us expect nowadays.

Bollocks. I love my phone and am on it a LOT. But I still have enough respect/care for my friends to actually talk to them and give them my full attention if they’ve gone to the effort of meeting me for a catch up. Otherwise, why even bother meeting up in the first place? Just stay at home on your phone if you can’t drag yourself away from it for even a short period of time.

I reported the worst example of nitpicking at the OP's writing as NITS but there are plenty of other examples.

I’m totally with you OP. It’s rude. Im addicted to my phone which pisses DH off, but I’ve taken on board his feelings about it and try to limit it.

I think your friend is actually trying to show she has listened to you. It sounds like she’ll be more aware of her phone use, but wanted to let you know that if she does go on it, it’s for specific reasons.

why don’t you say you appreciate her taking on board your feelings. And that you can both agree to fit activities around any urgent/necessary calls?

Bullying would be if OP made a spelling mistake and people were picking on it but that isn't the case here. OP hasn't made a mistake at all, she writes 'phone that way on purpose. Which is fine, but it conveys a message many of us have picked up on.

An example would be if I wrote a thread about being invited to hens party, vs if I wrote a thread about being invited to a "hens party". Or a hens "party". A very different tone the second time, and it's obvious what my opinion on said party would be.

From one of my previous posts on this thread:

I've lived in the UK since I was 19 and began learning English when I was 4/5 . TBH most people don't realise I'm not British (the arrogance of me !) . I accept that sometimes in written English there are archaic quirks that possibly give me away . The use of 'phone is perhaps one of them ? But I stand by it ! No offence taken on my part . But the punctuation and grammar mean girls might wish to bear in mind that not everyone on here has English as their native tongue .

I guess it's all a matter of personal perspective. Someone who is nasty will see nastiness everywhere. Someone who is passive aggressive will see passive aggression everywhere.
I'm not crazy enough to use a humble apostrophe to make a point , sorry .

Thank you to all of those who have offered advice. It is appreciated and has been helpful.

@FrozenGhost

the thing about bullying is - there’s no justification for it in any shape or form.

So completely irrespective of what the Op meant or didn’t mean - it’s bullying