Friend constantly on her 'phone

[Bitchinabonnet]

I'd really appreciate your opinions on this as I'm struggling to know if I'm BU or not .

I have a friend . Let's call her Kelly . We're both in our early 50s and have known each other since for over 30 years .

We don't live close to each other but get together 2/3 times a year . I might go to hers , she'll come to us and once a year we'll have a weekend away .

Since mobile 'phones have been around she's always been attached to hers . Not social media or web sites but constantly talking and messaging . Most of the time to her partner . I'm talking talking 5/6 times a day and regularly texting/WhatsApping/sending photos . She's messaging other people too but in the main her partner . Kelly now has a smart watch so it's a case of her constantly checking her watch for messages .

You could argue that it's none of my business . But it's always irritated me . I find it rude , like she can't be in the moment just relaxing and having fun as she's always checking her 'phone/watch .

It actually causes us to be late , miss things , have activities interrupted as she's on her 'phone .

Last time we got together I told her how annoying I found it and that I thought it was rude . We don't see each other very often so it's not on to be constantly on the 'phone . She wasn't angry but used the excuse she's always 'busy' so uses her 'phone a lot more than me . 'Busy' not with work but with her partner and family/friends .

We're seeing each other soon . I received a message last night basically listing why she will need to be messaging/online during that time . Again , nothing to do with work .

I'm tempted to cancel . Just fed up with it . The only other person I've mentioned it to is a mutual friend who says it's excessive and will never change .

AIBU ?

It is a genuine addiction, I think, with some people- the kind who can't self-moderate at all. I think you should leave them to their soma-induced bliss state, like Oblomov on his couch, and be grateful you, too, aren't missing your entire life because you are in thrall to a little flashing screen.

Spending time with people like this is so dull. Maybe take a book so you have something to do, or is she one of those people who like an audience to appreciate how busy they are? 🥱

If it's annoying you to the point of not enjoying her company, it doesn't sound worth meeting up with her, especially as she's now (bit weirdly) given you advance notice that she'll need to be on her phone.

I'd cancel. I had a holiday last year with a friend who I rarely see (different countries) and is addicted to his phone. I just gave up and accepted it, as I'd already raised it on a previous holiday with no change - at one point we were off out to lunch and I said 'are you going to be on your phone all the time? If so I'll bring a book.' He was really offended but I'd had enough of sitting there blankly while he scrolled his phone, along with constant selfies to ensure he had something to post at all times.

I no longer go away with him.

I'd use a pp response and tell her you'll see her when she's less busy and you can catch up properly.

Kelly is planning to do a group family call when you two meet ? I agree with cancel with a 'let's re-schedule to a date when you are not so busy'.

You respectfully requested she minimises her screen time in your meet up. She has now forewarned you that she intends to. I agree to the breezy previous suggestion "that's fine, (to be honest I have a number of things I need to do) call me when your less busy if you want to arrange a get together" then leave it in her court. Sad to say bit it sounds the relationship is on the fizzle.

Ignore the apostrophe police. Fascinating that your use of an apostrophe takes the leap to smugness! Interesting and revealing what people post on an anonymous forum about what how use of punctuation casts light on their motivations /personalities.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who insists that ‘decimate’ means to kill every tenth soldier in a unit and anything else is sloppy and incorrect. I might agree if it were 150 BC.

Jesus there are some nasty people on here.

If you don’t like the way someone interacts with you, you are not obliged to hang out with them.

but even if you find it rude how she’s always on her phone (and I would too), I think it was even ruder of you to point it out.

Bet you feel silly now, OP came to the UK when she was 19.

You got schooled by @MasterBeth . Never be smug because there’s always someone who knows more than you.

This. She'll soon get the message. I had a friend who would always prioritise something else at the time we'd arranged to have a chat on the phone, saying said she'd call me back in an hour or so. I just started saying, never mind, we'll do it some other time and then I'd leave it for a few weeks. After a few instances, she realised that if she wanted to spend time talking to me, she'd have to stick to when we'd arranged and not get distracted with something else and expect me to always work around her.

I am much more uncompromising about friendships now. I've realised I don't have to keep people in my life...and if I regularly leave their company feeling bad/annoyed it's probably not a friendship worth having. I have one friend who just talks at me...I've recently distanced myself after I realised he never asks me a single question about myself. I've become like a counsellor. It's hard when you feel a sense of it's loyalty but we all change as we go through life and I think it's fine to just decide a friendship has reached the end of the line. The phone thing is super annoying and I wouldn't accept it either.

This 😂🤢

YANBU. Very rude to get your phone out when you’re supposed to be catching up with someone or just having a conversation in general. The only time it’s ever acceptable is if you’re getting it out to show them something, other than that it should stay in your bag.

This

but even if you find it rude how she’s always on her phone (and I would too), I think it was even ruder of you to point it out.

I disagree.

I agree to the breezy previous suggestion "that's fine, (to be honest I have a number of things I need to do) call me when your less busy if you want to arrange a get together" then leave it in her court

This is what I’d do. A breezy no probs, let me know when you’re less busy. Then leave it and drop the rope. I don’t even see the point of bothering to meet up if she has to be on her phone 24/7. She may as well stay at home and be on it if that’s what she chooses to do. Let her. You aren’t obliged to meet up with her, so don’t.

Suggest your next catch up is at an ice skating rink. Or dry skiing. Or swimming. Or a brisk walk over tussocky fields.

Or just go with the afore-mentioned "Oh ok. We'll leave it until you're less busy then."

Oh same here OP. I've had two arguments with people over this!

The first was my dad. He got verbally abusive about it which he has never been before or since. He eventually admitted to an addiction.

The other is my friend I went to visit 2 months ago. Kept.looking at the phone during dinner and last thing as we were winding down after a lovely day had a loud call in front of me with no warning and I was just sat there

He said 'I've done nothing wrong'. It makes me realize how little people live in the moment and I'm more.compatible with friends who arent like this. And to be fair most of my friends aren't

It’s an addiction. Leave her to it. If she wants to spend all day on her phone, let her. Cancel and don’t meet with her.

One day she’ll realise she has no friends left and will probably be baffled by it. You can’t change other people but you can decide how you choose react to it and you don’t have to spend time with people who make you feel rubbish and disrespected.

I would cancel. My time is valuable so I wouldn't spend it with people who are constantly on their phones. A call from a medical practitioner with news, or emergency call about a child or parent is acceptable but they tend to be quick calls!

You're a bit late to the punctuation pile on I'm afraid . Maybe read the whole thread ?

I don't agree with this at all .
Surely , if someone is behaving in a way that you find inappropriate then it's better to say something than fume silently about it ?
I wasn't rude at all in the manner in which I told her I thought her use of her mobile was excessive . We've known each other for over 30 years so hopefully we can be honest with each other .
So many threads on Mumsnet seem to be about frustrations with family members , friends , colleagues etc but the person posting hasn't communicated with the 'offender' how they feel . Therefore how can the problem be resolved ?