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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend constantly on her 'phone

121 replies

Bitchinabonnet · 15/11/2023 15:08

I'd really appreciate your opinions on this as I'm struggling to know if I'm BU or not .

I have a friend . Let's call her Kelly . We're both in our early 50s and have known each other since for over 30 years .

We don't live close to each other but get together 2/3 times a year . I might go to hers , she'll come to us and once a year we'll have a weekend away .

Since mobile 'phones have been around she's always been attached to hers . Not social media or web sites but constantly talking and messaging . Most of the time to her partner . I'm talking talking 5/6 times a day and regularly texting/WhatsApping/sending photos . She's messaging other people too but in the main her partner . Kelly now has a smart watch so it's a case of her constantly checking her watch for messages .

You could argue that it's none of my business . But it's always irritated me . I find it rude , like she can't be in the moment just relaxing and having fun as she's always checking her 'phone/watch .

It actually causes us to be late , miss things , have activities interrupted as she's on her 'phone .

Last time we got together I told her how annoying I found it and that I thought it was rude . We don't see each other very often so it's not on to be constantly on the 'phone . She wasn't angry but used the excuse she's always 'busy' so uses her 'phone a lot more than me . 'Busy' not with work but with her partner and family/friends .

We're seeing each other soon . I received a message last night basically listing why she will need to be messaging/online during that time . Again , nothing to do with work .

I'm tempted to cancel . Just fed up with it . The only other person I've mentioned it to is a mutual friend who says it's excessive and will never change .

AIBU ?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 15/11/2023 16:18

I have a friend or 2 like this. People who can't ever be in the moment bore me, so I distance myself in fairness to me, and them. Im 60 so its not as if we were born into the technology age. I cant fathom people who have to view life through a screen be it a concert or similar, or just always welded to screen. One of these friends was always too busy to do anything yet forever on FB. She'd rather sit alone at home arguing with randoms online about politics. Doesn't seem like living to me but its their life. I wouldnt say anything much but I wouldn't pursue meeting up with someone like this. Go be happy doing what you choose to do, and leave them to be happy with their choices.

& I do use my phone a lot but Im mindful. Not when Im having a meal and in company, that goes for meal at home too. Anywhere Im out enjoying myself, I wont let it be about having to photograph and film everything

MasterBeth · 15/11/2023 16:23

As is picking over someone else’s grammar, which incidentally, is correct.

In 2023, it isn't really "correct" in everday use. It's archaic.

(It's also not grammar, it's punctuation.)

NovemberName · 15/11/2023 16:24

@Hont1986 touché ;)

Meeting · 15/11/2023 16:24

RoundTheBendThenBackAgain · 15/11/2023 15:50

I'd reply "ok, no worries, we can get together when you're less busy" and just leave it at that.

I agree with this.

It's absolutely rude to sit texting on your phone whilst you're meeting someone, especially if it's a person you only see twice a year.

Also can people seriously stop derailing the thread because of a damn apostrophe.

MasterBeth · 15/11/2023 16:26

She started it.

Charlize43 · 15/11/2023 16:29

Do you have an axe at home? If not, there's sure to be some in the Black Friday deals...

coffeeisthebest · 15/11/2023 16:33

I also agree with just saying perhaps we will just leave it until you are less busy. I have a friend who does this too, we meet up a couple of times a month but she is either on her phone or relaying what other people have said in their messages to me. I realise I am very bored with it now. She doesn't ever ask me about me, just wants to tell me about other people or talk about herself. I think the relationship is probably moving to a different sort of place as we see these things quite differently.

NotesBod · 15/11/2023 16:34

RoundTheBendThenBackAgain · 15/11/2023 15:50

I'd reply "ok, no worries, we can get together when you're less busy" and just leave it at that.

I would go with this too.

I think it is rude to act like she does with her phone, and I would be irritated too. I also find people who bang on about being busy all the time beyond tedious too - they're often the least busy people in reality.

welcometothnuthouse · 15/11/2023 16:36

Plenty of smug twats on here, how nice for them.
I woudn't bother with Kelly anymore, it doesn't seem that great when you do meet up.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 15/11/2023 16:36

My DD ended her marriage over this behaviour (the phone, not the grammar)

Numerous times she raised the issue that he was permanently looking at it and not engaging in their relationship. What finally nailed it was when she suggested they went out somewhere quiet for dinner - and away from all distractions - to talk about what could be done to salvage the relationship, how the problem could be resolved and what compromises they could each work on.

When they got to the restaurant, he just got out his phone…

Dahlia444 · 15/11/2023 16:41

Yanbu and it is very wearying. Phone addiction is real and can really cloud people's view of themselves and what is reasonable. The fact that she's trying to justify herself to you already is sad. Maybe time to let this one slide.

RampantIvy · 15/11/2023 16:42

RoundTheBendThenBackAgain · 15/11/2023 15:50

I'd reply "ok, no worries, we can get together when you're less busy" and just leave it at that.

I also agree that this is the best approach.

If someone you only see two or three times a year can't be bothered to put her phone down to talk to you then she isn't worth bothering with.

@Bitchinabonnet ignore the pedantic posters with their ridiculous and unnecessary remarks.

Jewelspun · 15/11/2023 16:42

What's wrong with saying, "No I can't meet up again as when we meet up you are glued to your phone and I am certainly not going to sit there again like a lemon whilst your mind is elsewhere!"

FoodCentre · 15/11/2023 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yabu for double exclamation marks. You only need one.

Abouttoblow · 15/11/2023 16:46

I would cancel the meet up OP. Messaging and calling when you're supposed to be catching up with a friend you don't see often is extremely rude.

As are the pedantic, smug arseholes on this thread.

Ignore them.

wheretoyougonow · 15/11/2023 16:52

I would cancel explaining that you can rearrange for when she has time to spend with you as she seems so busy for the proposed date.

I have ended one friendship and really reduced another due to this issue. Your time is just as important. If a person would rather be spending theirs online/texting someone else then you aren't gaining anything from being with them and end up feeling low.

Spend time with people who make you feel good.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 15/11/2023 16:52

Bitchinabonnet · 15/11/2023 15:46

'phone because it's short for telephone .

Arguably a mobile isn't a telephone it's a mobile phone, different thing. The apostrophe is superfluous :)

MasterBeth · 15/11/2023 16:54

A mobile phone is a kind of telephone. A mobile one.

Mintesso · 15/11/2023 16:54

Is her real name Cassie 😂

It is rude

It’s an addiction and quite pathetic

I’d reply saying something like ‘as you’re too busy to meet let’s reschedule to a time when we can have a screen-free meet up’

FrozenGhost · 15/11/2023 16:55

I don't normally care about spelling and grammer but in this case I think it is relevant, it shows OP has a certain opinion about phones - that she looks down on use of them and maybe is more fussy about their use than others would be. If you are spending the weekend together you'd expect the friend to use her phone a bit, more than, say, if you just met for dinner for an hour.

That said, you don't have to meet a friend who annoys you. The message above about meeting up when less busy is perfect.

Getmoveon14 · 15/11/2023 16:56

I think her behaviour is rude, but if she is addicted maybe it isn't as simple as putting her phone down.

I don't think you should cancel the meetup you have planned as you would just be answering rude behaviour with more rude behaviour. However, if you really don't enjoy the time you spend with her, maybe think twice before arranging to meet again.

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:57

is this a northern thing?

I am a southerner and have no idea whatsoever what the issue with ‘phone is!

RampantIvy · 15/11/2023 16:57

I don't normally care about spelling and grammer but in this case I think it is relevant, it shows OP has a certain opinion about phones - that she looks down on use of them and maybe is more fussy about their use than others would be.

I think you are reading far too much into the way the OP writes her posts.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 15/11/2023 16:58

MasterBeth · 15/11/2023 16:54

A mobile phone is a kind of telephone. A mobile one.

A telephone makes sound 'phone' over telegraph lines 'tele'. Mobile phones are by definition not 'tele'phones.

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:59

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 15/11/2023 16:58

A telephone makes sound 'phone' over telegraph lines 'tele'. Mobile phones are by definition not 'tele'phones.

Show quote history

but why is that being “smug” to do so?