Fat, fifty and can't see a way through this awful time. Please advise me?

[deeleen]

As title suggests, I am fat, just 50 and feel awful.
In the last year I've been diagnosed with IBS, chronic stress, pneumonia, hypertension, fibroids, anxiety and low level reactive depression.
I'm on hrt and anti hypertensives.
I'm coming out of things with treatment and minding myself.
I have two kids with Sn and an exh who won'tCo parent or contribute to their needs.
I have a high pressure full time job
I look awful. I'm 85kg at 5'7'. I drink too much wine and eat too much fat.
I look exhausted all the time.
I don't walk as much as I should and my energy and motivation is so low.
Where do I even begin with myself?
What would help to even begin?

Tackle the things you can, forget about the things you can't. You can reduce the wine, you can pick healthier food options, you can get out and walk and exercise.

You can't change some of these things, but making some little changes can catapult your wellbeing.

you probably don't want to hear it, but I found the best step for me was stopping drinking. Your quality of sleep improves and you are less likely to crave crappy food (I still eat my fair share of shite but I can manage it better if I'm not hungover and craving it from the minute I wake up), you feel clearer headed and the overwhelm reduces.
I have been in a v similar position to you, 2 SEN kids, very obstructive ex, challenging job and chronic illnesses. Sobriety doesn't fix everything but it helps.

Hi OP sorry you're feeling so bad about everything.

Firstly, wow you sound amazing, a high pressure full time job with 2 kids with SN is not easy!

It's really hard but when you catch yourself saying negative things, try and turn it to a positive. It seems silly when you first start but it gets easier with practice, like anything. For example I really don't like my arms, but I'll say 'I'm so glad I have my arms to be able to snuggle my DD' etc.

Secondly, you just make small changes. When you reach this point its easy to go drastic and not be able to maintain and then fall back into old habits because 'what's the point'.

Maybe get a diary and say for every day this week I will walk around the block/walk to the school/have a healthy lunch. When that becomes manageable, try adding something else in.

It's frustrating but the only thing that works is time and consistency. And remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I stopped drinking completely, really helped my anxiety levels and quality of sleep.

I'm 85kg and 5ft 5, but happy!

Stop drinking during the week. Keep it for weekend only. Drink lots of water.

I agree with a PP. Start with one thing at a time, and in your case I'd cut the wine.

Alcohol is bad for your sleep, surprisingly calorific, a depressant, and may be exacerbating your IBS. I think you could be surprised how much better you feel in a month if you stopped having wine.

I’m 5ft6 and 86kg but I feel pretty good about myself and my body because I work out. So for this reason, I’d recommend trying to focus on your body’s functionality and ability rather than weight loss to start off with. As you notice reductions in pain and improvements in mobility, you will gain mental and physical confidence.

When I say I work out, I mean I go to the gym once a week to do weights and running and I also hula hoop in front of the tv for half an hour every other day and I walk places instead of driving or bussing it (within reason). This is not an arduous routine because the walking is done to get to places I need to go anyway and the hula hooping is in front of tv I would watch anyway. If you are not used to exercise then I’d say to ‘trick’ yourself into doing it by doing it in front of your favourite show or walking to somewhere you were going anyway.

As for food, try reducing processed food rather than counting calories in the first instance. This won’t necessarily make you lose weight but it will make you feel more healthy and this will help you feel happier. This may sound daunting but actually, many of the ultimate convenience foods like fruit and vegetables are unprocessed. I sometimes throw bagged salad on a plate with a bit of rice and a chicken or fish fillet that I’ve bunged in the oven. Takes me no time! There’s also fruit smoothies (just use frozen fruit, milk or water and Greek yoghurt) for an unprocessed easy breakfast. You can eat cereal as long as it has less than 5g per 100g of fat and sugar. Weetabix, porridge and cornflakes (I think) are good for this.

If you start with this then you’ll be making lifestyle changes and that’s what you need to do. You’re a busy lady so complex diet and exercise routines will just be stressful. You need diet and exercise swaps that are second nature so please try the above if you’d like. I think you’ll find you feel more positive if you do these things and funnily enough, that’s an excellent foundation for weight loss! I’ve lost 2kg in a month and it’s easy. I’m sure I could build from here.

You sound like you’re doing a lot and have very little in the tank to take care of yourself. You are also using language that is criticising yourself like should and too much. So you need to reframe in a kinder way to yourself.

Would echo having a few nights alcohol free.

Try also to add in things that are good for you, that nourish your body. So if you are tired make a big effort to get to bed with a book instead of collapsing on the sofa with wine.

Alcohol does interfere with sleep, makes you more likely to eat too much unhealthy stuff, messes up your skin and all that’s not good for you, but I get it can feel like a treat after a hard day. A nice soft drink or a herbal tea can feel equally relaxing and is more hydrating.

Really do try to walk, even for 10-15mins as many times as you can fit in a day.

Exercise will help your mood and even if you can only fit in short bursts, do that. If you can find a fitness class - anything you enjoy- do that. It should be something you like. When you feel down about yourself it’s easy to get into the mindset of trying to ‘fix’ yourself, but if you think about it in terms of caring for yourself like good food choices, exercise to get endorphins going then it becomes enjoyable and you’ll stick with it. Strength and cardio is ideal and there’s lots of apps if you can’t get to a class, I recommend the Nike Training Club one which is free and has 15 minute sessions.

if you start adding in small changes slowly you will start to notice the difference and it won’t become another chore then as you obviously have enough of those.

Start slowly changing one thing at a time. Maybe on fewer glasses of wine a week, then next week try reducing by one more. Then add 1k steps a day for a week, the next week add another 500.
Find an activity you enjoy whether it is cycling or swimming, or yoga, or doing weights.
Swap some of the meals for healthier ones every week.
Don't focus on weight but make it more about the quality of life, feeling better and being healthier for your kids.

Choose 1 thing to change.

Personally I agree with PP that knocking booze on the head would have the greatest impact - weight / sleep / energy / health / blood pressure / IBS / skin / motivation / self esteeem

These are all things which are improved by abstaining.

Cutting out the booze will make a huge difference and you'll find it so much easier to eat healthily and get exercise.
Just start with small steps. A thirty minute walk a day then build it up to an hour a day.
Slowly start increasing the amount of fruit and veg you eat.
Things like this really do make a difference.

I'm 82kg at 5ft6, almost 50, and don't feel fat or knackered in the way you describe, so as a first base, don't be too hard on yourself. You're dealing with a lot and frankly it's not our job to look good all the time. How you feel is what matters, so as PP's say, focus on the things you do have some control over. Less booze or none at all would help a lot, and have a knock on effect with eating better and sleeping better. Any chance you can take a day or even a half day off just to have a breather, time for yourself, and then make a fresh start after that, trying to get a walk in everyday, those smaller changes? Now's a good time to make a start so you don't go into a darker place in the winter.

Lots of great advice here. I'm in my 50s and have a child with SEN. I echo baby steps and focusing on being healthy rather than thin. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself, think of it for the long run rather than needing an overhaul.

Write a list of all the things you want to address and then order them from most important to least important. Look at your most important and give yourself a month max to tackle it. Try a different action each week. So for instance if you start with movement maybe week 1 you do some gentle stretching 5 days a week, week 2 you try and hit 10,000 steps a day, week 3 you do a weekly exercise (can find loads online). In a year your life could be completely different.

What's a day's eating and drinking like for you? What would a typical day look like @deeleen?

Sorry have to agree with the others about stopping drinking. It is probably your crutch. It is a very easy habit to fall into and so normalised by our society.

I used to take IBS tablets and high blood pressure. Stopped drinking and I no longer have IBS. My bp is also back to normal but I think that was to do with stopping smoking.

I think the hard thing that this isn't a quick fix. It will take some time to see results. The last time I did drink I felt like absolute crap for about 4 days where as I think I had just become used to the general 'drudge' feeling.

Intermittent fasting is your friend here. I drink too much wine and eat crap and I'm about 8.3 stone and 5'7 and Im pushing 50
I only eat during a v v short window though. Start with 16:8 but I would be aiming for 20.4 as soon as you get used to it. You would be surprised how easy it is but build up to it. You just shed the weight (not that was my aim ) but I can't be doing with eating no carbs, no sweets, no wine etc so this way I can eat and drink what I want and still be thin. I do break it on holidays etc but generally i stick to it. I don't include wine in that window

My heart really went out to you reading this. It’s so hard when issues pile up, and I think you have already taken quite a few steps on the right path by getting things diagnosed where needed and even just posting this “reach out.” I would echo all the baby steps advice, only adding that sometimes it helps to do a different baby step each day. That way you don’t think “ oh I don’t drink wine now” but “ I can have that tomorrow.” After a day or two try two baby steps, then three etc and make yourself do them. Just ignore the things you slip up with until you are feeling better. I thought feliciacats advice about focusing on what good things you are putting onto your plate ( rather than calorie counting) was great . I really do find when I eat well I start to crave those things after a few days of it. Don’t cut energy rich and comforting carbs in a bid to lose weight - at least not at first- but focus on the ones you love that are healthy. But you really are not alone. Lots of people feel they have ended up in this sort of corner. Be kind to yourself as you are valued and needed by your children.

Change one thing at a time. This is helping me. Start small.
From your OP I would say start with giving up alcohol. Buy yourself some nice herbal
teas or something else to drink.
Then after a few weeks add in drink a glass of water on waking and with every meal.
Then a few weeks later add in something else.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing a full time job plus parenting 2 kids. See your achievements. You are probably a great friend and a lovely person, see the good in yourself.
yes giving up drinking will help, maybe aim for a week or a mth then drink again over the festive then dry jan, or even as above Fri and sat only. Set an achievable goal. Wrap up and go for walks in nature when poss. Maybe cold showers? Some evidence they can help mood. Don’t judge yourself harshly.

You focus on the things you can control. The obvious first one being how you choose to treat your body. With a half century of use under its belt, you need to accept that just like any other beautiful vintage thing, you can't throw it around, putting anything you want into it amd expect it to withstand the strain.
I decided that my 50 year old body deserved nothing but the best of care. The foods that would best nourish it, avoiding the things thst harm it, the movement and the recuperation time it needs.
I didn't diet or start a punishing regime that made me uncomfortable. Just little by little treated myself to good nutrient packed whole foods and walks in the daylight. Two years on I've somehow reached and maintained a BMI of 21 and feel and look so much better. I still have challenges in my life but how i look and feel are no longer included. Through slow gradual changes, i now eat and enjoy a wholefood vegan diet, don't drink and walk 30 minutes a day up hills.
Slow and steady and reframing it as an act of care for myself are what did it for me.

Maybe work on your inner critic and silence anything negative you may have in the way of self talk. Turn your inner critic into your inner cheer leader!

I think the first step is to stop drinking. Tackle one thing at a time. For me exercising is the thing that keeps me sane. I have 2 older dc with SN’s too and it hasn’t been easy, I also have a ex that does very little to help and is waiting for the day my youngest turns 18 so he can stop doing the very little he does do. Each day is a struggle so I can see why you have a drink or maybe eat unhealthy food. Don’t be too hard on yourself but if you want things to change only you can help yourself.

I’m not sure that would be a good idea for the op…and I say that as an advocate of IF. The body is flooded with cortisol when we fast and that’s not going to be good for anxiety.

I’d suggest ‘Potatoes not Prozac’ and giving up alcohol.

I’d also suggest completely re-thinking how you live op. Your body is telling you that you’re doing too much and eventually it’s going to really make that clear by making you disabled. It’s ok everyone telling you how well you’re doing (and you are!) but this won’t end well unless you do something drastic. Are you claiming everything you can for your children?

Thank you.
Wine is the one thing that gives me escape and release but I definitely see my energy levels depleted and further laconic f interest in life.
Some nights, I would be very happy but to wake in the morning only for my kids who would be neglected and treated like dirt by their father if he didn't pawn them off .