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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fat, fifty and can't see a way through this awful time. Please advise me?

95 replies

deeleen · 15/11/2023 10:58

As title suggests, I am fat, just 50 and feel awful.
In the last year I've been diagnosed with IBS, chronic stress, pneumonia, hypertension, fibroids, anxiety and low level reactive depression.
I'm on hrt and anti hypertensives.
I'm coming out of things with treatment and minding myself.
I have two kids with Sn and an exh who won'tCo parent or contribute to their needs.
I have a high pressure full time job
I look awful. I'm 85kg at 5'7'. I drink too much wine and eat too much fat.
I look exhausted all the time.
I don't walk as much as I should and my energy and motivation is so low.
Where do I even begin with myself?
What would help to even begin?

OP posts:
MaitreKarlsson · 16/11/2023 00:01

Hi OP
Unlike the majority I think alcohol isn't the priority - some kind of mood lifting is needed and cutting out booze will be tricky if you're unhappy - it takes quite a lot of energy to break a habit.
So I think exercise is easier, and the easiest is walking. If you can get out every morning and walk consistently, increasing a small bit every day, you should start to feel a bit happier and a bit more in control.
There are ultra cheap step counters available (don't use your phone) or just do a slightly longer timed walk every day. Start slow and build up. XxX

Original poster
deeleen · 16/11/2023 07:18

Thanks. The replies are great to
Wake to. Kicking off booze is
My number one intention.
Last evening, I walked fr 30 mins and went to bed afterwards. I slept ok and will do the same this evening. It's a start and hopefully everything else will follow for me.

OP posts:
Hesma · 16/11/2023 07:30

I’m in a similar situation but only 1 of mine has sn. I’ve started regularly taking menopace multivitamin and it’s made a huge difference to me. Keep going lovely… we can do this!

ManchesterGirl2 · 16/11/2023 07:52

deeleen · 16/11/2023 07:18

Thanks. The replies are great to
Wake to. Kicking off booze is
My number one intention.
Last evening, I walked fr 30 mins and went to bed afterwards. I slept ok and will do the same this evening. It's a start and hopefully everything else will follow for me.

Good start OP!

Pinkdelight3 · 16/11/2023 09:08

That's great, OP! Have a good day today and keep at it. One step at a time.

Flickersy · 16/11/2023 10:17

deeleen · 16/11/2023 07:18

Thanks. The replies are great to
Wake to. Kicking off booze is
My number one intention.
Last evening, I walked fr 30 mins and went to bed afterwards. I slept ok and will do the same this evening. It's a start and hopefully everything else will follow for me.

That's a great start OP, keep it up! :)

Lots of little steps, and one at a time. You'll be amazed how much it builds up without realising.

Clarinet1 · 16/11/2023 11:09

Just a thought about exercise, you don’t say what kind of SN your DC have but is there anything they might be able to join in with? Bike rides? Walks? Game of frisbee or Swingball?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/11/2023 11:10

Flickersy · 16/11/2023 10:17

That's a great start OP, keep it up! :)

Lots of little steps, and one at a time. You'll be amazed how much it builds up without realising.

Show quote history

Seconded OP. Also have some fun today choosing a walking mixtape, or a comedy podcast to walk to, it makes all the difference. Song suggestions?

churrios · 16/11/2023 11:26

Brilliant start Op, you’ve inspired me. Just done a 30 min yoga session free on YouTube. You’re not alone lots of us could be drinking less and / or adopting some healthier behaviours.

CancelledRainPaintDay · 16/11/2023 11:30

I use Strava on my phone sometimes, but sometimes I forget to record & just enjoy walking & nature

Agree get some multivitamins

Try to improve your sleep

Do something positive each day, practice gratitude

Put the money saved from not drinking, towards something for yourself that YOU want in the near future

Goodluck

Elastica23 · 16/11/2023 11:30

OP, I was that weight in September, and am 5'7" and have lost a stone. I feel much better at 12st odd, though my goal weight is 11st. Sounds like you are making headway and a good start.

Though I didn't feel unwell at that weight and was quite fit anyway, and didn't have any other health conditions or issues with blood pressure, cholesterol or blood sugar, I still feel like everything is easier being a bit lighter.

Long term, sustainable changes are best and I think for now some small changes would improve things in the short to medium term. Just think of it as overall health and wellbeing improvements rather than weight loss per se.

I wouldn't worry about eating too much fat necessarily but keeping an honest food (and drink) diary for a couple of weeks - Nutracheck is really easy, good and cheap, can help you work out where you can cut down and what you might need more of. If you cut anything, cut down on sugary carbs first.

Then in the short term give yourself four nights off the wine and replace it with a cup of tea or another interesting soft drink you might enjoy.

Try and up your steps, get yourself a cheap pedometer or exercise watch. Walking half an hour a day is great - well done.

Food wise, 5 a day seems a bit of a cliché but it's a good place to start. I find sticks of cucumber, carrots and celery, cherry tomatoes and pears are quite easy to have to hand during the day. If you are cooking dried pasta , incorporate brocolli florets for the last 5-8 minutes in the same pan, depending on how soft or al dente you like it.

Elastica23 · 16/11/2023 11:33

Glad you had a good sleep too.

Poor sleep leads to craving sweet and stodgy foods and makes losing weight really difficult. Adopt a regular bedtime and bedtime routine.

Prelapsarianhag · 16/11/2023 12:01

I was feeling pretty rough as well, but have recently completed couch to 5K. I am so much better. I am fitter, losing weight and it helps with anxiety. It is totally doable - I am 70.

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 09:14

Brilliant. I’m so pleased OP! A few more days of one step and maybe you will feel like adding in a second - perhaps a virtuously healthy lunch? Then more. Keep praising yourself - but today I’m doing it for you! It’s really hard breaking out of a low spot but bit by bit you can get there! Tbh most of your challenges are self care ones so it ought to feel better and better as you add more steps. You go girl!

Original poster
deeleen · 17/11/2023 11:01

Thank you! I had another early night and watched a funny film. No alcohol but some junk. I didn't beat myself up, I was craving something sweet. Feel so fresh this morning and I am in good spirits.
This evening I will cook some gorgeous food , maybe a steak and steamed asparagus and then do some nice skin care and hair care.
Started a multi vit, b complex, gut flora complex and milk thistle for cleansing.
I've slept well and am intending on drinking one litre of water at work today.
These things were all actually very simple changes that didn't cause me any pain.

One of my kids had a massive meltdown before I went to work.
I would normally panic and be late for work and stress my head off but instead I contacted the school , explained the absolute refusal to attend and asked for extra support. That is a new direction for me as I prefer to handle these things myself and perhaps hide the fact that my child 👦 s refusing whereas I've realised that if there is an active record of refusal, it will support us rather than go against us. I've also text their father as a record in case as he has often blamed me for their absence due to their difficulties.

Baby steps.

Walk and early night again. I'm enjoying the clear headedness and better form this morning.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/11/2023 11:06

Oh great stuff, OP. Well done! Such positive steps for you. 😊

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 11:08

They were so much bigger than baby steps! I can’t believe how quickly you are stepping it up to be honest . And now I feel like steak and asparagus- yum! Enjoy!

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 11:13

Sometimes I think people just need to accept the reason they aren’t an ideal weight/ not eating perfectly/ not radiantly gym fresh every day is not because they are lesser people but rather the opposite: they have often given so much of themselves and their energy to others. It is clear you have had to sideline the self care because you have a lot to shoulder. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But now it’s time for a little self-love - and do it for your kids if you’re the giving mindset type. X

Calliopespa · 17/11/2023 11:19

Btw fwiw your post really stuck out to me as it was so honest, humble and genuine and the predicament you find yourself in is so blameless. There are countless threads with people whinging on their MIL looked at them the wrong way etc, or who did dumb stuff and aren’t liking the consequences. And guess what. They are still just banging on about it. And here you are with a genuinely challenging situation and already you are up and making a difference. You’re going to be just fine: I think you’re great!

ChiaraRimini · 17/11/2023 11:20

Sending hugs OP
I think you could be my twin, I am same age and weight/height, similar health issues also a single working parent and need to get off the wine!
Don't beat yourself up but make sure self-care is part of your to-do list.
You wouldn't neglect your kids so don't neglect yourself.
The meds do help so make sure you take them consistently.

Picturesofowls · 17/11/2023 11:22

One step at a time. Start with wine reduction- substitute half for a low sugar soft drink.

Then exercise, something you can do, maybe walking every day 20 mins.

Then food. If you get stuck get a nutritionalist or some help.

Then job.

Many of these things can be improved.

Picturesofowls · 17/11/2023 11:23

deeleen · 17/11/2023 11:01

Thank you! I had another early night and watched a funny film. No alcohol but some junk. I didn't beat myself up, I was craving something sweet. Feel so fresh this morning and I am in good spirits.
This evening I will cook some gorgeous food , maybe a steak and steamed asparagus and then do some nice skin care and hair care.
Started a multi vit, b complex, gut flora complex and milk thistle for cleansing.
I've slept well and am intending on drinking one litre of water at work today.
These things were all actually very simple changes that didn't cause me any pain.

One of my kids had a massive meltdown before I went to work.
I would normally panic and be late for work and stress my head off but instead I contacted the school , explained the absolute refusal to attend and asked for extra support. That is a new direction for me as I prefer to handle these things myself and perhaps hide the fact that my child 👦 s refusing whereas I've realised that if there is an active record of refusal, it will support us rather than go against us. I've also text their father as a record in case as he has often blamed me for their absence due to their difficulties.

Baby steps.

Walk and early night again. I'm enjoying the clear headedness and better form this morning.

Ah I didn't see this. Sounds like you're making a great start!!

Flickersy · 17/11/2023 11:28

Very well done OP, you're doing amazingly and I'm glad to see you're already feeling better. You coped really well this morning and you should be proud of yourself.

Redruby2020 · 17/11/2023 11:31

Feliciacat · 15/11/2023 11:18

I’m 5ft6 and 86kg but I feel pretty good about myself and my body because I work out. So for this reason, I’d recommend trying to focus on your body’s functionality and ability rather than weight loss to start off with. As you notice reductions in pain and improvements in mobility, you will gain mental and physical confidence.

When I say I work out, I mean I go to the gym once a week to do weights and running and I also hula hoop in front of the tv for half an hour every other day and I walk places instead of driving or bussing it (within reason). This is not an arduous routine because the walking is done to get to places I need to go anyway and the hula hooping is in front of tv I would watch anyway. If you are not used to exercise then I’d say to ‘trick’ yourself into doing it by doing it in front of your favourite show or walking to somewhere you were going anyway.

As for food, try reducing processed food rather than counting calories in the first instance. This won’t necessarily make you lose weight but it will make you feel more healthy and this will help you feel happier. This may sound daunting but actually, many of the ultimate convenience foods like fruit and vegetables are unprocessed. I sometimes throw bagged salad on a plate with a bit of rice and a chicken or fish fillet that I’ve bunged in the oven. Takes me no time! There’s also fruit smoothies (just use frozen fruit, milk or water and Greek yoghurt) for an unprocessed easy breakfast. You can eat cereal as long as it has less than 5g per 100g of fat and sugar. Weetabix, porridge and cornflakes (I think) are good for this.

If you start with this then you’ll be making lifestyle changes and that’s what you need to do. You’re a busy lady so complex diet and exercise routines will just be stressful. You need diet and exercise swaps that are second nature so please try the above if you’d like. I think you’ll find you feel more positive if you do these things and funnily enough, that’s an excellent foundation for weight loss! I’ve lost 2kg in a month and it’s easy. I’m sure I could build from here.

Not possible for me as i have osteoarthritis in both lower legs and right foot.

So reading all replies to see what is suggested for OP, as I can certainly relate to her issues.

Redruby2020 · 17/11/2023 11:39

Feliciacat · 15/11/2023 11:18

I’m 5ft6 and 86kg but I feel pretty good about myself and my body because I work out. So for this reason, I’d recommend trying to focus on your body’s functionality and ability rather than weight loss to start off with. As you notice reductions in pain and improvements in mobility, you will gain mental and physical confidence.

When I say I work out, I mean I go to the gym once a week to do weights and running and I also hula hoop in front of the tv for half an hour every other day and I walk places instead of driving or bussing it (within reason). This is not an arduous routine because the walking is done to get to places I need to go anyway and the hula hooping is in front of tv I would watch anyway. If you are not used to exercise then I’d say to ‘trick’ yourself into doing it by doing it in front of your favourite show or walking to somewhere you were going anyway.

As for food, try reducing processed food rather than counting calories in the first instance. This won’t necessarily make you lose weight but it will make you feel more healthy and this will help you feel happier. This may sound daunting but actually, many of the ultimate convenience foods like fruit and vegetables are unprocessed. I sometimes throw bagged salad on a plate with a bit of rice and a chicken or fish fillet that I’ve bunged in the oven. Takes me no time! There’s also fruit smoothies (just use frozen fruit, milk or water and Greek yoghurt) for an unprocessed easy breakfast. You can eat cereal as long as it has less than 5g per 100g of fat and sugar. Weetabix, porridge and cornflakes (I think) are good for this.

If you start with this then you’ll be making lifestyle changes and that’s what you need to do. You’re a busy lady so complex diet and exercise routines will just be stressful. You need diet and exercise swaps that are second nature so please try the above if you’d like. I think you’ll find you feel more positive if you do these things and funnily enough, that’s an excellent foundation for weight loss! I’ve lost 2kg in a month and it’s easy. I’m sure I could build from here.

That is interesting to read and helpful, in regards to the 5g of sugar per 100g of product, I have heard similar before, for the sugar it certainly makes a lot of sense.
For fat i am a bit inbetween on that concept.
As although I know we are not all body builders, there are those who do eat fat and obviously plenty of protein, and are slim and trim. Of course it depends what type of fat.

And it is for that reason, that I agree with others whom have posted and said look at the foods you eat first. I have done this on a few occasions and lost weight.

Because thinking well I will just cut this out or reduce, or I will try to calorie count etc, it leads me to have obsessive thoughts or to binge on what 'I can have'.
I have been seen by eating disorders though, and they were helpful in the information they sent back to GP, but can not help me further currently, because my issues are low-moderate.
And I think they only deal with moderate to more severe.