Fat, fifty and can't see a way through this awful time. Please advise me?

[deeleen]

As title suggests, I am fat, just 50 and feel awful.
In the last year I've been diagnosed with IBS, chronic stress, pneumonia, hypertension, fibroids, anxiety and low level reactive depression.
I'm on hrt and anti hypertensives.
I'm coming out of things with treatment and minding myself.
I have two kids with Sn and an exh who won'tCo parent or contribute to their needs.
I have a high pressure full time job
I look awful. I'm 85kg at 5'7'. I drink too much wine and eat too much fat.
I look exhausted all the time.
I don't walk as much as I should and my energy and motivation is so low.
Where do I even begin with myself?
What would help to even begin?

@Redruby2020 I think you make a good point about labels leading to obsessive thoughts. Also, you’re right that fat can be beneficial. I really specifically meant cereals and snack items should have low sugar and fat otherwise you’re likely eating absolute rubbish. Fruit, veggies, meat and carbs like potatoes, brown rice and brown pasta are exempt from label scrutinising as they are whole foods.

Sorry to hear about the osteoarthritis. Would swimming be ok for you?

WOW! 👏

I was in a similar place not long back , what helped me was just tackling one thing at a time , which was getting more energy . I focused on eating much more protein and less carbs ( I was very reliant on bread , toast and sandwiches ) then followed after about 3 weeks loads more energy which then gave me the ability to get more done
still drink I love red wine , but feel so much better already , the weight will sort itself out eventually as I’m much more active now

So good, @deeleen what a fantastic update.

Have you ever tried Headspace? I think they still do ten free 10 minute meditations. I used to listen parked up in the car in a car park with my eye closed and feel noticeably better afterwards, even when I was so stressed and miserable in my job.

It was definitely a good early step on a path to looking after myself better physically and mentally, which started ten years ago then began even more in earnest in 2015 after I'd had cancer scares and got endometriosis for my 40th birthday!

Cutting out alcohol, sugar and UPF, walking as much as possible, plus at least 20 minutes of exercise a day would make a huge difference.

Intermittent fasting if you are serious about losing weight.

Spending half an hour a day doing something you really enjoy to lift your mood and calm your anxiety.

Lucy Wyndham Read has a lot of short and easy workouts on YouTube. She is really lovely - calm and gentle, not hyper-energetic like some online trainers.

Are your children getting PIP? If so you a claim carers allowance. Give up work and claim universal credit. That’s what I did when I felt overwhelmed and it helped me a lot. It will also give you more time to focus on your well being. You don’t need a gym there are loads of good workouts on YouTube. You can plan meals so it will be easier to eat healthily. If you want, to after you have sorted everything out you can return to work part time. Not many people will recommend you give up work but sometimes you have to. I wasn’t coping, I was forgetting my son’s appointments and my mental health was shot. Unless you have a child with SEN you can’t under the pressure.

At 5'7 and 185 pounds you are not fat.
I have a few friends that revel in their ailments
They go on and on about them, revelling in their new diagnosis. It defines them

I advise talking therapy

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you're doing brilliantly for so many other people in your life. Your colleagues/clients, your kids...but do you know the expression, you can't pour from an empty cup? What's left for you to give to yourself? When we give give give to others and don't have the time or energy to give to ourselves to nourish ourselves, I have observed, in me and others, that we tend to reach for quicker fixes to try to fill that emotional nourishment gap, such as food or alcohol.

If you're not already as part of your treatment for depression, I think you'd benefit from taking an hour a week for yourself, to work with a therapist. In itself, that is a big statement about prioritising time for YOU. The work you'd do together will also hopefully help you to understand yourself better, finger out what that "way through" means for you, and in time, feel better, out of which I reckon many other positive changes could flow.

On a more practical note, finding a really friendly and caring personal trainer can have a similar effect! They're not all the intense fitness types it's easy to imagine - finding one who is gentle but firm, who will take the time to get to know and understand you and help you make and commit to gradual changes, and celebrate all the little wins with you, could be a wonderful thing. I appreciate it is expensive, though.

It's very overweight and almost obese- BMI 29.5.

As I said, I was that weight myself (and have been up to 92kg) and I feel so much better a stone lighter and BMI 27 even though I was ostensibly fit and well when heavier.

This is probably going to make me sound like a complete twat but here goes: I'm in more or less exactly the same position as you minus the two SN children (I have one NT child). I'm also trying to buy a house and my job is very stressful. On paper I am facing very much the same sense of "uphill struggle".

The reason I don't feel overwhelmed and miserable (most of the time) is:

• I've more or less completely stopped drinking (drink about one unit a fortnight)
• I take HRT
• I exercise as much as I can

I can't stress this enough: these are the things which stop me tipping over into anxiety and depression and it really will make a massive difference if you grip them.

As others have said you can't control much of this but drinking, over-eating and not exercising will make them much much harder to cope with. These superficially small changes will give you a huge boost. I would really prioritise dealing with these.

Another one to vouch for giving up alcohol except for special occasions it is such a downer for many.
Small healthy changes like you are doing will help , so more lets aim to drink plenty of water all week and cook a fresh evening meal daily, as opposed to I must lose x weight...is far more dustainable.
Good luck op!

What @Thepeopleversuswork said!!!

The first thing would be to cut out alcohol. You're at risk for NAFLD.

Can you afford to buy your time back with help? Housekeeper, nanny, etc.?

With exercise, try some different things in YouTube. The plus being it's free and you don't have to drive anywhere to do it!

Yoga and qigong are excellent both mentally and physically.

Trying these small things you begin to nurture yourself and fill up your cup.

Hello everyone.
Just wanted to check in and say that things are going well. I've stopped over drinking and feel better and fresher, definitely more energised and getting lots done.
I'm still fat!!! But working on a gentle walk, lots and f water, fruits and protein.
And sleeps. Trying to get my style back a little too. That left a long time ago

I was wondering about you just this morning! That’s fantastic news. And who cares about fat if you’re energised and stylish! ( though the fat will resolve too. Weight loss will just be a little later to join the party!) The first week is the hardest and it is DONE!!

Well done deeleen, it’s great to hear you are feeling better. The body is amazing at responding to changes in behaviour. Weight might take a while longer but it will happen. Agree to using free you tube video, yoga could be a nice intro, wieght training too. Good to hear you are treating yourself, the money you no longer spend on wine will soon build up. Might be good to schedule in some time for enjoying yourself if you can get a babysitter, concert, gallery, show or meal with friends, not sure if you have things in the diary that are about your enjoyment.

Is the UPF unprocessed food, I assume.

UPF is ULTRA-processed food, @Redruby2020 !

It's the stuff you want to avoid because it's full of sugar, salt, fat, e-numbers, artificial colorants, emulsifiers, mechanically recovered meat, etc etc......

I've enjoyed reading your posts op! It's great when seemingly little changes give such a boost. I don't know if it's practical for you but your gp might be able to do a referral to a gym for you. I get 25% off membership. I know if i aim to lose weight I'll get disappointed and demotivated, so I'm purely going for my health wellbeing... and maybe whilst I'm not looking the pounds will fall off 🤣. The 50s can be a great decade in many ways for some, but it is so different physically compared to my 20s.

How is it all going OP? Was wondering about you the other day!