To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Fabulous!

Everyone’s support on here has been so beneficial for my friend. There were things I was able to suggest to her that I had only learnt about from here, which in turn has really helped her. MN can be brilliant at times!

Who is?

But the solicitor seems to see it differently to you

He's got all the financial power and he;s abusing it.

How are you justifying that?

How can you hear both sides on this kind of forum?

She (with your help) is doing brilliantly.

I know it must be really difficult living with him right now but he's on lots of people's radar now so hopefully that might keep him in check

Please encourage her to contact Womens Aid. It’s not just for those seeking refuge. She is experiencing coercion and financial abuse. They are trained and are the best course for advice and support.

but now he’s basically acting as though she doesn’t exist.

She needs to start to think of this as a 'positive'. I used to be so freaked out and anxious when my ExH gave me the silent treatment. Then someone advised me to turn it around: if he wasn't talking to me then at least he wasn't yelling or being sarcastic. At least he wasn't criticizing. It was a 'blessed' silence.

It took some effort on my part, but eventually I started to enjoy the peace and be unaffected by him trying to create an 'atmosphere'. I kept myself to myself and carried on with my day with no regard to his presence in the house and with no attempts on my part to communicate with him.

Just wanted to say well done for being such a supportive friend, I bet she is so thankful to have your help. I hope she can get a speedy divorce, finish her degree and go on to have an amazing future with her kids away from the dickhead ex.

@SheIsStuck23 have you heard any more from your friend since she saw the solicitor. I hope she is Ok

I don't know if it's been mentioned by her solicitor. If she decides to report the financial abuse, she may be entitled to legal aid.

Thank you for asking. Things are quite bad really as the solicitor has been in touch with him and asked him for a full disclosure of all his income and savings as well as the process of divorce being initiated, and he has just turned vile.

He’s being nasty to my friend and saying really inappropriate things to her in front of the children as well as bad mouthing her to them. He’s now at the point of trying to turn the children against her by telling them it’s their mum’s fault that everything has fallen apart.

My friend is currently staying at her parent’s house again (the children are still at home with her husband) because she can’t cope anymore with how he’s treating her. She phones me in tears most days because she feels so scared about her future and she feels trapped in this current circumstance.

It’s so upsetting.

She should be careful about leaving the children wit him. He could then claim that he is the one who looks after them. Also, it gives him more time to poison them against her.

yes this especially as he is the one claiming child benefit for them. sets a precident for him being the main carer

I don't think she should leave her children behind with him!!

She’s only been gone two days and I have told her she needs to go back. She knows she can’t stay with her mum but her husband is being so, so nasty to her and the children are so upset at seeing their dad be so cruel towards her.

She just feels so hated at home. He’s clearly trying to bully her / intimidate her to try and get her to change her mind but she just can’t see it. He can’t stand the fact he’s lost control over her and his reaction is to try and make her feel threatened and to try and destroy her relationship with the children.

I’m really worried she’s going to back down and stop the separation. I think that if she feels her children are going to suffer more than they already are then she will stay with her husband to prevent that.

She’s the only one who’s ever cared about their children and she will do whatever it takes, even to her own detriment, if she thinks it will be for their emotional protection.

I think at this point, given where things are, that she should call the police domestic abuse team, because what he is doing IS abusive, and not only all the previous financial abuse, but active ongoing emotional abuse to herself and to the children.
She really needs to get this logged with them, because he IS hurting them by this kind of talk, trying to turn them against the person they felt was their safe person - it will be overwhelming for them.
Children do tend to believe what they are told, especially by adults, more so by their parents.

So they MAY have picked up that he is disinterested previously, but unless he was actively hostile, he was just dad. No actual judgement is likely at their age, and they would just be absorbing that how he acts is how dads act. This is another reason why its important to not remain in a toxic relationship - as they subconciously absorb it all, and set it as their template for future relationships.

However, they would know absolutely that their mum loves and cares for them, they see it in her every day actions. She is the one they are close to, and she is the one they come to.

But now that view is at risk of being shaken for two reasons. Their dad is bad mouthing her, and she also has left the home, so she cannot defend these accusations he is making, and reassure them that OF COURSE she loves them and cares for them, but she actually has up and gone, which he will absolutely be telling them is their fault, or is proof at how much she doesnt care for them. Their world will be absolutely rocked, their safety has been pulled out from under them and all they know and will believe is what he is telling them. She bneeds to act quickly and to be honest, she needs to get them, and herself either out of their, or have him removed.

even if she called 101 for a chat.

She has asked him to leave but he won’t and she has nowhere to go unless she leaves the children behind.

She said she’d rather her be away and the house be quiet and calm, albeit him bad mouthing her to the children, than be full of shouting and screaming if she was there (as in her husband shouting at her) and the children be in tears.

It’s literally one or the other 😢

Tell her not to leave the house and certainly not leave her children. She needs legal advice urgently.

This ^

She needs to go back to the house asap. At the moment he is their main carer.

If she's not safe she needs to call the police. I hope she's okay.

Is it something she could report? You can’t get away with screaming at people on the street why can he do it in her home? Is she able to get out of the house a lot without actually sleeping out of the house? She needs to find a way to stonewall him. Has she spoken with women’s aid and her solicitor in regards to it. I hope there’s something she can do.

She should report him to the police for domestic abuse and financial abuse and then try to find a solicitor who can help get an occupation order so she can stay in the house and he has to move out.

If she moves out and leaves her children behind he will say that she has abandoned her children and that he is their primary caregiver.

I didn’t realise that was a potential risk and I don’t think it’s something she will have considered either.

I will ring her and talk to her about it and make her see the potential seriousness it could be if she leaves the children with him.