Did you let yourself go when you had young kids?

[Timbucktwo]

I hate that saying, but not sure how else to put it.
My dc is 5 and now at school and it’s like I’m really properly seeing myself for the first time again. Went clothes shopping alone today, honestly don’t think I’ve done this in years, actually tried stuff on and felt depressed. Looking at myself, I’ve put on so much weight (am likely peri too and mid 40’s) my hair needs a good cut, eyebrows need doing. I bought some clothes, have booked to have a fair amount of my hair chopped off (currently long) eyebrows done and ordered an exercise bike.
Frankly I can’t believe how I’ve been walking around recently, hair unwashed, no make up, old clothes. I just find I have no time at all and only have one child! (Suspected adhd though, so very wonderful but intense and full on child)
Also realised I spend no money on myself, mainly my choice as I spend lots on Dd, but it’s really time to take care of myself too.
Was anyone else the same and how did you get back to you? Is this normal?

I was in very good shape when mine were little due to them only sleeping if they were being pushed in their prams and also had 2 dogs. I was fortunate in that I wasn't working until my youngest was a toddler so I did a lot fo walking and my goodness it made a difference. I used to have one on my back and one in a pushchair. Fast forward to now I have teenagers and I look a mess and my body has never been so bad. I think it was more covid that did it for me though. Trying to reverse it all now but mid 40 and struggling!

Do you have a lot of help though?

Oh God yes. Non-sleeping reflux baby. I got so majorly covered in massive vomits I had to change my clothes several times a day, let alone his. I just continued to wear the clothes with the smaller vomits on.

No. I’ve always found it important to look/ feel good and for me the two go hand in hand.
DS was born at 34+1 and spent a couple of weeks in the NICU - I was showered and dressed 7 hours after my EMCS and then wore make up from day 2 with hair washed etc as normal. For me, it was a sense of control and I feel worse if I’m PJs etc all day. Plus we had many conversations with the doctors about his care so I wanted to feel in control of that rather than on the back foot in nightwear for those conversations.
Now 2.5 years down the line, I’m the same - I shower and get dressed before breakfast then do make up after that/ before leaving the house every day. This is my normal. I wear a more practical “mum uniform” in the week now - jeans and boots etc to be able to run after DS
rather than a dress and heels though tend to wear dresses and flat boots in the winter also. I find it’s important to maintain yourself and not get lost in the mele and chaos that toddlers can provide!

On a negative note - I look permanently exhausted- had DS at 42 and def feeling my age!!

Wondering how many of these saying they have plenty of time to get ready or always manage to do it are SAHP?

With both of mine, we didn't have a lot of money but I showered and put makeup on every day. They were an easy babies and happily plonked on the bed whilst I got myself ready.

I am also sitting here laughing at a few comments, because if not wearing make up is 'letting yourself go' then well, I was never anywhere else to start with - I cannot abide the feeling of make up on my skin and only wore it rarely, even when I was younger!!!! I am low maintenance and happier that way, be you, whether that means make up, hair, nails all done, whether it means none of that, or something in between!

I was off for two years then working with two under 3 years old. DH worked away 50% of the time. No family support as we live overseas. And a dog. But full confession I would leave the children to whine for 15-20 minutes every morning while I got ready. Unless I could time it with a nap. I’d go clothes shopping (often charity shops!) for nice wool coats, tops etc with the babies in pushchairs once every few weeks. And I dressed almost as nicely for playgrounds etc as I would for an informal workplace.

I figured in the long term a slightly happier confident mum was better than me letting myself go and holding them every minute. I found the early years hard and lonely and my first didn’t sleep through the night for a long time. But this was just my coping mechanism, my approach.

I come from a background of proud working class women who prided themselves on being “well turned out” and my Gran drilled this into me. She also told me wearing stretchy fabrics will make me more prone to put on weight as I won’t feel uncomfortable as the waist band would stretch!

No. I've always looked like shit.

No, I didn't let myself go when I had children. It's just that my shape changed after giving birth, I put my new 'career' of putting my children first and that required working long hours in a practical lycra based 'uniform' and then mid life crept up on me. I no longer wear high heels or a suit, or get dressed up nearly as much. Neither am I in my 20s or 30s. My priorities have changed. Yes, I have gained weight which I need to lose, but I am beginning to accept that I am physically different to when I was younger. Us women shouldn't beat ourselves up too much over being mothers and women!

No, I'm far too vain 😂I am very lucky though in that my Mum retired early to help me with DD so she was at my house pretty much every day during the early months so if I wanted to put makeup on it wasn't a problem. I don't wear a lot of makeup anyway tbf though, I'm more into skincare.

I stopped spending on myself for a bit but would still wear basic makeup and nice (but old) clothes. I guess compared to pre-kids, I let myself go as I didn’t love the way I looked or dressed.

Now all the kids are at school and I’m working full time again, I've started shopping and going to the nail salon, lash extensions etc, wear makeup most days. Really happy with the way I look at the moment - could do better with skincare but can’t win them all. Looking nice on the outside makes me feel more confident on the inside as sad as that sounds.

Well said and dine, @Cosyinbed !!

I don't buy the excuse that parents can't find 30 minutes in the day (or night) for bathing and grooming. It's basic self-respect.

Gran was right!

Absolutely. Eldest is 7 and since her birth I'm about 15kg heavier, only wear leggings or yoga pants and trainers, no make up, hair is always a mess and at the moment I'm scoffing down a pack of biscuit. I only buy clothes from Amazon or super markets because I don't have time to go anywhere else.

Your thread has kind of inspired me.
I think I should also try to make more of an effort again not least so my kids don't feel embarrassed by me when they get older. I ordered a dress yesterday that someone asked about on the style and beauty board. And I'm going to throw away the pack of biscuits.

Easy to say when your child is 15 months that it is easy to get yourself sorted. Not so easy when they are older and more likely to be jumping off something etc.

I'd interpret letting yourself go by your own standards, e.g. if you always wore make up pre kids but then stopped because you couldn't fit it in anymore after having kids.

By many other people's standards I never put in a lot of efforts into my appearance but since using kids it's crashed even more.

Though I can't just blame the kids. A lot of it is also due to working from home since lockdown. On most days I don't get dressed now till I pick up the kids and then I just quickly shower and throw something on. When I was working in the office I did do my hair, wear nice clothes and basic make up. Hm actually I can't blame the kids at all though now I feel that I wouldn't be able to get both kids and myself ready in the morning to go into the office so I can still indirectly blame them. And yes, I know that millions of parents all over the world get themselves and their kids ready in the morning. I'm really just super inefficient.

when I was pregnant, I gained a lot of weight then I lost it all and am thinner than I was prior to pregnancy. But in terms of effort, I definitely don’t make much of an effort with myself as I used to. I’m not a slob by any means, but in terms of maintenance. For example, I get my hair cut once every few years and each day only put eyebrow gel and a lip product on and only ever brush my hair. I also wear the same suit trousers with a different knit jumper in rotation, without stressing about what to wear or branching out. But I am happier. I spent so long obsessing about how I looked and how people perceived me but not really ‘caring’ has taught me that our body is just a shell to our soul (as cringe as it sounds). Not paying a lot of attention to my outer appearance has made me focus on my inner self and I’m so much happier with that.

I do this and don't even have kids. Just 0 energy, and I WFH and live in a small town. Don't see the point of making an effort. I know that's bad, but it's how I feel when I actually have to make the effort - what's the point?

I haven't "let myself go" as you put it. I think that term is quite misogynistic.

I eat healthily with some sugary treats.

I rarely ever wear make up, I stopped shaving about 2 years ago. My hair is almost always in a top knot and I wear whatever feels comfortable.

I am slim and naturally beautiful. I don't need to dress or preen myself beyond that.. Men don't, so why should I?

My husband fancies the pants off me and we have a fantastic sex life.

It is actually amazing to be loved for me and not have to conform to toxic gendered beauty standards. I save myself both time and money!

I actually weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy but my clothes still don’t fit. Obviously my bones have expanded, my ribs and hips must be bigger. Not to mention the way it has fucked up my stomach and breasts. It’s a struggle to look nice when your body isn’t a nice shape any more. It isn’t about “letting yourself go”. Sometimes you just can’t fix the damage that was done so you give up trying.

Unfortunately not! No family nearby and dh works long hours so just the kids & I much of the time. When he is there dh isn't much help either. I think it's important to prioritise the time though and to do whatever is necessary to get this done eg put tv on for toddler, put baby in swing while getting ready.

I haven't put on much weight but I'm so tired I don't eat much more than normal. I have neglected my hair and nails a bit. I'm on unpaid leave and hair has become very expensive. Getting my highlights done in two weeks and it's going to be 200 euro. I don't think I've let myself go massively. I shower every evening and am scrupulous about putting on my moisturiser.

I dont know if i like to see it as "letting myself go"

I suppose what has happened is ive dedicated my life to the kids whilst they are young.

Id say im pretty minimal as in i dont wear makeup and my clothes are leggings and jumpers and i have put on weight.

Simple quick things you could do.

I tend to always make sure i look polished but at a very basic minimal level, and by that i mean washed, hair done whether its scrapped back in a neat bun (unwashed days) or washed and dried and styled.
My clothes are basic leggings and hoodies but clean and matching and i will add a wee pair of hoops or earrings to finish it off.
I dont wear makeup but invest in skincare (doesnt need to be expensive) and botox.

One thing that I always have done is my nails, Biab, they last 3-4 weeks so its a once a month hour appointment at night.

I did for the first couple of years. Didn't lose the baby weight from my first before I was pregnant with my second. Was generally a scruffy mess. Something clicked when my second was about 6 months. I was just sick of feeling fat and scruffy so I lost weight and sorted myself out a bit.