Did you let yourself go when you had young kids?

[Timbucktwo]

I hate that saying, but not sure how else to put it.
My dc is 5 and now at school and it’s like I’m really properly seeing myself for the first time again. Went clothes shopping alone today, honestly don’t think I’ve done this in years, actually tried stuff on and felt depressed. Looking at myself, I’ve put on so much weight (am likely peri too and mid 40’s) my hair needs a good cut, eyebrows need doing. I bought some clothes, have booked to have a fair amount of my hair chopped off (currently long) eyebrows done and ordered an exercise bike.
Frankly I can’t believe how I’ve been walking around recently, hair unwashed, no make up, old clothes. I just find I have no time at all and only have one child! (Suspected adhd though, so very wonderful but intense and full on child)
Also realised I spend no money on myself, mainly my choice as I spend lots on Dd, but it’s really time to take care of myself too.
Was anyone else the same and how did you get back to you? Is this normal?

I actually got a bit more keen on this stuff post toddler stage as I needed the boost. I like clothes so I put the effort in, everything else is basic but how I like it.

I've always preferred casual dressing (some would say scruffy). I stopped wearing any make up or doing anything with my hair long before I had kids. My self esteem is so much better without it and I massively benefit from not feeling like I need to present myself in a certain way. I feel bad for people who think they arent enough as they are.

Meh. I found I didn't let myself go in the way others see it as I didn't have time to eat caring for high needs send child and working. Size 6 and very unhealthy for more respect than my current healthy eating size 12/14. I've had a baby recently and not been working and my god I'm fat compared to what I was. I know I will slim down when I'm out of full time mum mode and working again. But that will be because I don't have time to eat with work and parenting not because I'm taking care of myself better.

I massively object to the phrase "let yourself go". No we haven't let ourselves go. We prioritised the needs of our kids. That's not something to be ashamed off. I'm short so overweight and obviously I want to address that but I'm tired and doing everything for these kids and need the sugar and carbs o cope with the sleep deprivation. I'm not letting myself go I'm prioritising my kids. And I will sort my weight/health once the joyful little f**kers let me sleep and eat and have time for exercise.

I think yeah we can judge people for 'letting themselves go' and to be blunt if they have a partner pulling their weight and good support network there kinda is no excuse but for many of us the reality is we are doing everything alone even when in a relationship. Outsiders don't know how much each person does and how good a partner is we have. My ex earnt f-ing loads. We had a big house nice area and from the outside I let myself go for sure. And I felt the judgement. I had to be be beautiful and smiling and happy to fit in. But I'm now single and officially doing everything alone except now I do t have a man child to pick up after and only one bathroom to clean instead of multiple en-suites people seem to think I'm doing amazingly now I'm single but actually I do less because this house is much smaller and people make allowances for single parents in ways they don't for mothers with lazy partners. I get more acceptance now for letting myself go because poor me I'm a single parent but the reality is my life is easier now as I have just one bathroom and no man sulking if I don't sacrifice sleep to spent 'quality time' with him.

I have an exercise bike too. It's a very good clothes horse because that's all it's used for. I prioritise sleep and sanity to parent my send child.

I will never again judge another mother. People thought my ex was amazing because of his salery but honestly I felt like hired help except I didn't get sick days or holiday. Now I know I'm doing my best and yeah I'm not doing makeup and I'm not slim but I'm a really good mother and that's all I care about.

If you are doing your best and your kids have all they need then f**k what others think. Honestly they don't know what your life is like. Makeup and nice clothes mean nothing, health is relevant because your kids need you to not die young but otherwise honestly what other people think is not important. Being the best parent you can be is more than enough

I don’t see it as I let myself go, I prioritised what I considered most important. With my second, I didn’t have the time or inclination to worry about my hair or makeup. When I look back at those photos I don’t notice the lack of nails/hair whatever, I see how happy I was in my bubble of my little family.

DC1 no problem, lost weight actually, looked and felt great. DC2, oh my greatness. Put on so mich weight, I look rough, my house is a mess, and I wear joggers non-ironically as stretchy trousers is all that fits. Im exhausted so I eat way too much sugar to get energy.

I'm older... my kids are now grown up.
But we were looking at some old photos the other day... from when my four were 2,5,6,and 7.
I looked DREADFUL. Gaunt, awful hair, exhausted, leggings and a t shirt .
I'm 25 years older now and grey (and currently have a terrible haircut!) but I look better now than I did then, in the thick of child rearing! I'm very low maintenance (don't wear makeup or do nails etc) but I look better than back then.

Give yourself a break. The early years are hard work! But prioritise clean hair, clean clothes and some small act that makes you feel good so that you don't lose YOU. Yes there are some Mums who are made up, immaculately dressed etc.. awesome. .. presumably they have time and funds for that.
But you don't have to be superwoman.. just a happy mum!

I became a mum over 40. I tended to be amongst the oldest parents on the school dropoff. Sometimes I was older than the grandparents 😂 There was one early ish thirties mum in baby group days who - on hearing I was first time mum at 43 - said “Oh you must be sooo tired, I can’t imagine it”. Totally wrong, I was on a high, I felt like I’d won the lottery. It helped me to feel and look young

I did let myself go without realising. I dressed horribly and didn’t wear make up but also had PND - but I think I just didn’t have the brain space to care. Then when my DD was about 1 I treated us to a photo shoot and had my hair and make up done for the first time in ages. It was nice. It did take a few more years for me to find myself and style though.

Now a few years later I have found my style. My DD is always complimenting my outfits (sometimes it is baggy jumpers and leggings but I guess that’s what they are into) and because of work I make an effort.

I agree ‘letting yourself go’ is an awful phrase, but you can prioritise your kids without making your self into a martyr who doesn’t even wash properly.
Letting the 6 weekly hair and nail appointments go is more than fine; they were probably unnecessary and a waste of money to start with, but hair and teeth brushing every day has to stay.
Clean clothes and a walk somewhere are probably good.
I was a single mother when my son was 6 months old and went back to work when he was 8 months old. Some support but not much and mostly when I was working, not much free time for anything.
I couldnt “let myself go” because I had a job to do, I had to look clean and presentable, that was me putting on make up every day, doing my hair to company standards, prioritising my child because if I didn’t work or be good at my job, my kid wouldn’t eat or have a home I pay for by working.

Yes, I have. Pre-kids I went to the gym 2-3 times a week, now I don't have the time, money, motivation or childcare to be able to do this. My weight ballooned as I was constantly frazzled and needed an energy boost so ate more junk and exercise dropped off completely. Gained 4 stone. I am also perimenopausal which doesn't help.

When they were small he’s because I was tired and had other priorities. We need to stop attributing not looking glamours to some sort of failure. It’s fine to have bushy eyebrows and no make up

I also don’t want to perpetuate the myth that women are only valid when looking good and that self esteem is rooted in make up and straight hair - something which isn’t attributed to men/dads.

Being tired no make up and bushy eyebrows is completely fine, damn my eyebrows are worse now than when my kid was a baby.
Being unclean and not brushing teeth, hair or putting on clean clothes is not fine, it’s a baby not the dictator of a terrorist state, he’ll be completely fine unattended for 10 whole minutes.
I agree, men are not expected to meet any beauty standards or parenting standards.
This is why I let my grey hair grow out and started neglecting my kid 😅

On some days I look an absolute mess, others I look so well put together! Usually I look better on little sleep ironically ☠️
My kids are from teen to baby and honestly each day is different. My baby is so intense that I barely get time.

I pluck my own brows though when I get 5 mins and always buy myself at least one thing when I’m out buying the kids stuff, I lay out all of our clothes for the next day the night before and pack pram bag the night before. This helps a little in the mornings although some days I just cbf and will wear comfies 🤣 prior to my youngest baby I would never leave the house without make up, proper outfit and hair done! But then there is a 10 year gap so I was slightly spoiled!

On some days my house resembles something from Kim N Aggies program as well!

I actually prefer not to wear makeup now as I think it's aging after a certain point.

I discovered a new way of eating and became fairly slim after DD2.

I balayage my hair about once a year and freshen it up myself with self done wolf cuts periodically. I get it professionally but about once every 6 months.

I do martial arts twice a week.

I have started living in athleisure clothes. I think they actually look quite good on my current reasonably slim, toned body and they are very much the thing around where I live but they are not super exciting.

I use expensive skin care products and biotin hair products.

I guess in summary I do make an effort but it's a deliberately low maintenance effort. It's important to me to like the way I look, but not to look chic or 'done up'.

Yes

I think that people tend to look worse when they put on makeup, straighten their hair, and do their nails; not doing those things doesn't make people look like they have let themselves go, in my opinion.

I think not sleeping enough, not getting enough exercise, and eating crap makes people look tired and run down before their time. I am really actually old now, and my childfree friends do look younger than my friends who have (now grown) children, so I guess overall the worry and cares of being a parent do tend to leave their mark on people.

I don't think I did.

I was overweight pre-babies and I was always conscious of dressing to suit my shape. I had been used to being very slim all my life until that point.

Somehow I lost weight in every pregnancy. I think I was more conscious of eating better, so I couldn't wait to buy new clothes each time! Unfortunately breastfeeding seemed to give me a really sweet tooth and I piled it back on again each time! 🙄

I've always worked full-time so wanted to look good in work. I always showered and washed my hair every morning and never left the house without makeup.

There was one time, after my second baby, when I was still in my 'slimmer' phase, when I was wearing a khaki sweatshirt with navy jeans, and DH kindly told me I looked frumpy!! When I talked myself out of panning him with my heaviest saucepan, I vowed, "you will never, ever say that about me again you fucker!" He never has!! (I suspect he wouldn't ever dare to say it again, but he has no reason to!)

So fast forward to my early 60s. I think I look better than ever. I am not a slave to makeup any more so I don't wear it routinely, or to the supermarket, but if I am going out, or having a face-to-face work meeting. I love colour, especially cobalt or teal blue, but pale colours wash me out.

I've lost weight naturally over the last few years, appetite much decreased for whatever reason? I have a much better sense of my own style and I have adult children who would certainly say so if they thought I was dressing like an auld wan!! I have had to buy virtually a whole new wardrobe since I lost weight. I've got rid of clothes that were 20/22 and can now wear mostly 12s, occasionally 14s, and the odd time, a 10. (size 10 knickers, because I carry my weight on my belly!!)

My hair is in much better condition since I stopped washing it every day (Covid) and it now looks perfectly fine for a few days post-wash.

I've always had a huge love of shoes, and routinely wore heels, until, well, Covid. I do miss my heels because I am short, but I've found plenty of stylish alternatives.

My highlighted hair still has no grey. My eyebrows are so fair that it's always looked like I don't have any, but I do, and have now started to get henna dye, which frames my face better.

If I say so myself, I have a wardrobe of beautiful, stylish clothes and shoes - the only thing is I don't get to wear them as much as I wfh, and sure you can only see your head and shoulders on a Teams call!! I can pull them out when I need to though, and I feel (and am often told) that I look much younger than my years.

Yes OP! Absolutely. The first year is a write off. It’s taken me until each baby weaned and started to sleep better (around 13/14m) to start getting a bit more time to myself.

To all those saying they carried on with full makeup, hair etc, how did you find the time?! My partner and I rush our showers as it is! I guess I do prioritize sleep (which I feel helps me look somewhat better) so if you didn’t need much sleep I guess getting up early would do the trick…

Really looking forward to when my youngest starts preschool in about two years so I can have more self-care time, but until then it’s sunscreen, mum bun, leggings and baggy jumpers for me!

No. I gained a bit too much weight during lockdown but still made an effort to look nice. Hair make up clothes etc. I feel awful in myself otherwise. Son is now 3 and I've load most of the weight and still make an effort with my appearance. I only have the 1 child and my DH pulls his weight so don't feel like I have an excuse to let things slide. I work full time in the office so like to make the effort for work too.

It takes me about 10 mins to do makeup and brush hair. I usually wash my hair at night.

Yes and I really regret it. I didn’t really get back to myself until they were early teens. I totally lost myself, put on a ton of weight (think 5 stone!) and really suffered both physically and mentally. I managed to claw my way back a few years ago and am fit and healthy again, but I really regret letting my health take the back seat during those years.

“To all those saying they carried on with full makeup, hair etc, how did you find the time?! My partner and I rush our showers as it is”
My idea of full make up takes 10 minutes, I’m a waitress not a Kardashian so base, foundation, eyeshadow eyeliner, mascara Brows powder.
why make such a big deal?it’s just make up?
like you’re less of a good mum if you spend more than 10 seconds looking at yourself??
I didn’t have a partner so my poor baby was neglected for a whole 30 minutes every morning while I washed myself and my hair, dried and dressed myself and put on make up and styled and dried my hair into something presentable.
that wasn’t actually neglect, I found the time because it’s not actually that much time and I had to look clean and presentable to do my job which i was good at and paid for the food mg kid eats and the roof over his head.
Some of us don’t get a choice but to carry on and make the best of it.

For the first few months I did have long hair and used to wash it and then braid it wet, I probably looked a sight during the day but it was in covid so nobody ever saw me, it looked gorgeous in the evening when I let it out, silky, dried and wavy.

What does let your self go mean? Not putting make up on and not shaving? Funny men live like that all the time with no negativity attached to it.

Or do you mean going to the shops in your cornflake incrusted pjs? In which case no I didn't let my self go.

No. I was back to pre pregnancy weight quite quickly each time. Was back working in the city 3 days a week when both of mine were 11mths, so was dressed and made up.
I was back to pre pregnancy weight 3mths after my DD and 6wks after DS. There's 5yrs, all but 2 weeks, between my two.
I was always dressed, hair and make up done before I left the house. Which was day 3 with both.
My mum told he to get myself ready as early as possible when baby slept, so that I'd be ready to face the day one baby was awake. It worked for me and my sister!
I had my daughters 6th birthday party - 62 kids, for a High School Musical themed, when my son was 3 weeks old. I was back in my pre preg clothes. Breast feeding.
Perhaps my two were 'easy' but I doubt it!
Also have had ponies ..:so stables every eve after work. Cricket, football, musical theatre, pony.
I would say that the vast majority of my friends (most from over 20yrs) are the same as me.
My kids are now older.
I hope you find your 'me' again soon