To worry about DH????

[dhworry]

So dh has this thing where he forgets conversations we have had. So I might say "oh the shopping is being delivered Wednesday " then come Wednesday I'll say " don't forget the shopping is coming" and dh will deny the conversation took place and be annoyed I've not said anything sooner. If others are there they will back me up but generally it's my word again his a d he's adamant the conversation did not take place. It winds me up as I find it ignorant. I'd say it happens 3-4 time a week where he forgets specific things we have discussed.

Today he forgot a conversation that took place on Friday about a plumber coming . This is usually something he would want to be involved in so it's surprising he forgot. Is this normal? Dh is 36, he is quite stressed as a general rule.

Is there anything I can do or is him being lazy?

My husband often forgets or changes the story but over the years (we are mid 50s) I've got used to mentioning it more than once if it's important he knows.

Tell him and send a text so he can't deny it.

Tbh, stress can make you forget stuff. I forget daft things when too much is on my plate. It's up to me to then put the work in to de-stress a bit though.

That sounds annoying. Could you have a house diary where you write important stuff in it eg delivery dates, appointments, things to remember etc. That way you know it's recorded for him to refer to.

Just get a calendar and stick everything on there

Sounds like he’s not listening to you just agreeing or nodding along!

Write it down. Calendar, email or text.

WhatsApp the info to him. "Reminder: plumber coming Wednesday 15 November 10.15am. Please remember to be in to let him in as I am at work" that's what I do!

I am your husband's long lost brother. I do this. I have learnt that I do.it so these days I ask most days is there anything planned. What is dp doing today...it covers my arse!

Get a whiteboard and write things on it. He's preoccupied, so if he even hears you in the first place, it's not sinking in and when it's repeated, he's immersed in his thoughts/worries so it's not just a surprise, he's completely discombobulated by it.

There is nothing you can do but no, he isn’t being ‘lazy’ either.

Not everyone retains that kind of practical information very well - I don’t. I’d have to write it down. Otherwise I’ll forget because it’s just not the kind of thing I remember. However, if it’s a different type of conversation I’ll probably remember it verbatim for 20 years. I can remember names and details from conversations I had with friends literally decades ago if they’re funny or interesting, and I’m brilliant at general knowledge quizzes and learning languages.

I have absolutely no idea, however, when my next hair appointment is, even though I know I’ve checked at least twice. I also rarely come back from the shops with all the things I was meant to buy. If I don’t have a list I won’t remember. DP constantly says things like “Have you remembered the decorators are coming tomorrow?” and I will never have remembered. A while agoI was making arrangements with mates and I messaged him and said “DP, am I doing anything on the weekend of 4/5 November?” and he said “Yes, we’re going to the theatre to that play that you wanted to see and you booked the tickets for.”

I can assure you it isn’t laziness. Last time we went abroad, DP was amazed at how much of the language I picked up while we were there, while he was literally struggling to remember the words for hello and thank you and had to keep asking me. People’s memories just work in really different ways.

Either he wasn't actually listening properly or he has a bad memory. DH and both are guilty of the not listening part (usually looking at our phones) but I'm the one with the awful memory.
I'll have photos come up my Google photo memories things and have no recollection of taking them. DH will recount stories of the DCs and I'm just blank.

I spent far too long looking through clinical waste bins in the car park at work on Saturday because I was looking for a sample that had gone missing. A sample that I never actually took, which I remembered about half an hour after I'd gone through all the bins.

However, like a PP with languages, I can remember French I haven't used since year 9. Different parts of the brain.

Could it be he's not listening to you? In my experience that's pretty common

You're not my husband are you? I'm afraid, I just don't listen sometimes when he talks.

My DH used to work away a lot and would have very detailed conversations with people, including me, in his head, then genuinely get really cross with me when I couldn't remember the conversation told him he was losing his marbles.

Send a text or get a family calendar then he can check back.

Why don’t you get a “ notice board” in the kitchen and write on it what’s coming somewhere he can’t avoid seeing it so it cuts out this issue.

Stress mangles memory. It really does.

^ This is what I thought too!

He's just not listening to you.

Use an electronic shared calendar app set to give a,reminder

DH is like this. He's v intelligent generally so I think he just doesn't really listen to this kind of conversation!

That’s what my dh does. He just replies “yeah” or “right” or grunts. But even when I put things on the family calendar as well, and tell him I’ve done that, and remind him, he still forgets.
I’ve realised that when it isn’t something he himself hasn’t originated or organised, he isn’t interested enough to listen. I don’t know what I can do about it unless I plaster the house and car with posters saying PLUMBER COMING TOMORROW 9AM.

Does he have ADHD possibly? This is me. I find it really difficult to remember things like this. Even my boss knows! When he's about to tell me something/give me a list of tasks, he says bring your notepad with you.

If I don't write something down, it genuinely escapes me that somebody has told me that. It really bothers me but I've learnt to manage it by making notes and calendar reminders on my phone for everything!

Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this. To me, it's a glaring example of his lack of respect and interest in what you have to say. Of course, we can all forget things occasionally, but this is a distinct, chronic pattern. Unless he has an actual medical condition, he's just disinterested. I would bet he listens to, and retains, the information coming from his boss and his mates.

If you want to continue this relationship, you will have to employ other means to make sure he "remembers" and stops trying to gaslight you.

Text him, and create a calendar that sends him the notifications. He will have no excuse at that point.

He’s just not considering what you’re saying important enough for him to listen. That’s it. Incredibly rude.

Yep, whiteboard on the fridge with days of the week on. Keep it updated. Works for DH. He asks me something I tell him to look at the board. He can't claim he hasn't been told then. Also helps me seeing everything written down.