To worry about DH????

[dhworry]

So dh has this thing where he forgets conversations we have had. So I might say "oh the shopping is being delivered Wednesday " then come Wednesday I'll say " don't forget the shopping is coming" and dh will deny the conversation took place and be annoyed I've not said anything sooner. If others are there they will back me up but generally it's my word again his a d he's adamant the conversation did not take place. It winds me up as I find it ignorant. I'd say it happens 3-4 time a week where he forgets specific things we have discussed.

Today he forgot a conversation that took place on Friday about a plumber coming . This is usually something he would want to be involved in so it's surprising he forgot. Is this normal? Dh is 36, he is quite stressed as a general rule.

Is there anything I can do or is him being lazy?

My DH is like this. He is dyslexic and his short term memory recall is awful (not sure if they are related). We have a shared app we write everything in. Neither of us waste time telling each other what is going on, we both just add it to the diary app and the other gets a notification.

My dad is like this. He basically only listens to the start of a conversation with dm and assumes it’s not important and switches off. She does go off on tangents with lots of pointless info. He is partially deaf but can hear me fine so I do think he gets bored and stops listening to her. He also creates his own ending to her sentence which is really unhelpful and regularly inaccurate.

He’ll hear “can you please take the hoover upstairs” and switch off not hearing “and put it in the front bedroom”. Dm is also very specific about what jobs need doing and how they must be done and anything outside that fails her standards. Df hates being told what to do. No idea how they’ve not killed each other in their retirement.

My husband forgets but hates being told what to do. It's hard work.

Thank you everyone! I was starting to worry it was more sinister so relieved it seems to be quite common. It's definitely got worse more recently so I'll put it down to stress.

I do get annoyed as I find it rude like I'm not working on h the effort to listen to. He is also adamant I've imagined the conversation so I end up feeling like I'm going mad. I will try not to take it personally in the future although someone who said he doesn't do this with the boss or friends was spot on it's really only with me and kids.

I like the texting or calendar idea, I'll look into it. I was just going to start recording him but that was more to prove him wrong.

I find putting it on the shared Google calendar and whatsapping it to him means he miraculously can remember things.

I'm like this unfortunately. I am usually thinking of so many other things that conversations get forgotten. It's not that I'm not listening, it just doesn't sink in because I am distracted.

Our system is if it's not on the calendar, in my diary and in my phone calendar with reminder, I'll nearly always forget/it isn't happening!

It might seem overkill but writing it down twice and a reminder alarm does help me.

I don't like how he denies you ever told him when it's him not listening

No whiteboard or calendar app can make him start listening to you though.

I am stressed at the moment, unfortunately this means I cannot retain information, no matter how important it is.
I have a week to view diary and everything gets written in there. My kids add their own stuff to the diary (ie sleepover at Bob's, need a lift at 1pm) otherwise I will double book myself. It probably isn't his fault he can't remember but he needs to take ownership and find a way to deal with it.

All the people saying that they do this, do you also then deny that the conversation ever took place?
That is the concerning part, imo, and the part that everyone is ignoring.
I think some sort of shared calendar or texting the info would help but his refusal to acknowledge that he has f would seriously piss me off.
does your dh generally have a problem admitting when he’s made a mistake?

Learned helplessness. If he doesn't listen, he doesn't have to take responsibility.

@TheVeryThing - if I genuinely have no recollection of the conversation I would. How could I say a conversation happened when for me, it didn't unless that evidence is in the calendar/diary/phone.

And this is where it gets difficult. Because who knows if he genuinely has no recollection of the conversation or does and is gaslighting OP.

Some people with neurodiversity - adhd, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc also have poor cognitive processing and therefore poor short term memory. Until something enters long term memory, it's really difficult and that only generally happens through repetition. So a one off appointment is easily forgotten.

Regular memory games can help strengthen those neural pathways and improve memory over time.

This
Write it down
Calendar
Text
He's a bit young to be forgetting stuff.
It's definitely nod and smile

In my world if its not written down its not happening , and I am the one who takes on the mental load , I still forget!
I write stuff in an actual diary, (phone I forget) but I still have a whiteboard next to the kettle with this week's stuff on. On show to everyone when they're asking a cuppa.

write it on a calendar

I wouldn’t rule out that he could be gaslighting you a bit- like he definitely recalls the conversation just denying it to deflect from the fact he totally forgot about the things u mentioned & doesn’t want to look a dope! But happy for you to question your sanity lol. I know someone who does this all the time!

I forget stuff all the time like this unless it's written down. . I have adhd. Me and Dh have a shared calendar and we both put stuff on it so we know where we stand.

But why are you telling him about the shopping or the plumber? I will remember something like this if I need to let the plumber in or be there to accept the groceries, but not if it’s just background information.

DH does this. I don’t mind that he’s forgotten, but denying that I ever told him at all drives me bananas!

He's not listening, and it's ridiculous- what's more ridiculous is not acknowledging it when he's proved wrong, or accepting it when there is no back up, but balance of probability is it happened. Calandra on the wall and text dates. It's stupid, but at least then you miss out on the denial conversation

XH was like this. Drove me batty.

A shared Google calendar was my friend. Any event was put into it with automated reminders.

It didn't stop him forgetting. It did stop him saying he didn't know and telling me I made things up.

Blimey. All these responses telling the op SHE should get a whiteboard or SHE should sort a family calendar. How about the one who isn't already organising the shopping and the plumber writes it down himself when he gets told the first time? And if he is "one of those people" who can't help it, the least he can do is own that, acknowledge it and not be stroppy when he's reminded. And why isn't he organising the shopping or the plumber anyway?

This is what I do

It's definitely stress.

Write it on the calendar - then it’s real! Works both ways too.

My DP was terrible for this. We now use an app called TimeTree. Anytime one of us enters an event the other person gets a notification. It also sends a reminder the day before and again on the day of the event. Has saved so many of the "you never told me about xyz" conversations since we started using it.