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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about DH????

76 replies

dhworry · 13/11/2023 21:31

So dh has this thing where he forgets conversations we have had. So I might say "oh the shopping is being delivered Wednesday " then come Wednesday I'll say " don't forget the shopping is coming" and dh will deny the conversation took place and be annoyed I've not said anything sooner. If others are there they will back me up but generally it's my word again his a d he's adamant the conversation did not take place. It winds me up as I find it ignorant. I'd say it happens 3-4 time a week where he forgets specific things we have discussed.

Today he forgot a conversation that took place on Friday about a plumber coming . This is usually something he would want to be involved in so it's surprising he forgot. Is this normal? Dh is 36, he is quite stressed as a general rule.

Is there anything I can do or is him being lazy?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/11/2023 07:05

BibbleandSqwauk · 14/11/2023 06:55

Blimey. All these responses telling the op SHE should get a whiteboard or SHE should sort a family calendar. How about the one who isn't already organising the shopping and the plumber writes it down himself when he gets told the first time? And if he is "one of those people" who can't help it, the least he can do is own that, acknowledge it and not be stroppy when he's reminded. And why isn't he organising the shopping or the plumber anyway?

Because, realistically, when it hasn't registered with me that DP is working 60 miles away for 3 days and I need to be back by 4.30pm on Thursday for a boiler check, there's no way on earth that I'm going to also remember that I need to find a suitable sized whiteboard and drywipe markers on amazon, order them, sort out delivery and collection, pick it up, bring it home and then put it on the wall.

BibbleandSqwauk · 14/11/2023 07:06

How would he manage if he didn't have someone to write stuff on a calendar for him? I'm a SP, working full time. The only one reminding me of stuff is me. I have a blackboard in the kitchen and I also write reminders in my work planner (teacher) so I see it all through the day. But it's MY job. Seriously, all this doing it for him is just adding to the OPs responsibility and removing his.

Wallywobbles · 14/11/2023 07:06

Unfortunately I do this. Stress exacerbates it. I write everything down in 1 notebook. Appointments on phone calendar. DH is the calendar reminder king.

But you have to acknowledge you have an issue to find strategies to deal with it. I will rarely deny that a conversation could have taken place. Just that I don't recall it.

I also know myself well so don't always believe DD2 when she claims I've agreed to something implausible.

InTheCheapSeats · 14/11/2023 07:08

It is probably stress related op.
I'm exactly the same if I get stressed, I don't remember stuff and I'll swear a conversation never took place, or I haven't been told.
It drives the husband and kids mad.
I write stuff on the fridge / freezer, with a none permanent marker.

Freshair1 · 14/11/2023 07:08

If you've got Gmail, then use the Google calendar and invite him on it. Tadah. Shared calendar and notifications.

Greenberg2 · 14/11/2023 07:17

BibbleandSqwauk · 14/11/2023 06:55

Blimey. All these responses telling the op SHE should get a whiteboard or SHE should sort a family calendar. How about the one who isn't already organising the shopping and the plumber writes it down himself when he gets told the first time? And if he is "one of those people" who can't help it, the least he can do is own that, acknowledge it and not be stroppy when he's reminded. And why isn't he organising the shopping or the plumber anyway?

All of this.

I completely agree people can't help their memories. But they can jolly well accept that as part of their make up and not accuse people of lying about having notified your partner about perfectly normal events like when the plumber is coming. Having a poor memory doesn't stop you from being able to say, oooh it slipped my mind they were coming today.

I have a terrible memory and definite executive function issues. I therefore accept that minor events/conversations may slip my mind and I wouldn't get angry about not being told things when the chances are that I was wrong about it. I have also had to develop strategies about writing things down, and I have a paper diary and an online one to facilitate this. Things still get missed but I have reduced the chances of this happening significantly.

OP it's your partner that has to get into the habit of writing things down, not you! However, if it makes your life easier, I guess it might be worth trying it. If he accuses you of not telling him, be more assertive. Look up some ways of getting your point across clearly but without irritation. You might be able to train him to stop doing this!!!

whattodo22222 · 14/11/2023 07:21

I am like this since going back to work after mat leave. I have so many things going around in my head that I can't concentrate on anything DP is saying and I forget things all the time. There's always something I need to do.

margotrose · 14/11/2023 07:25

All the people saying that they do this, do you also then deny that the conversation ever took place?

If he genuinely doesn't remember the conversation, what else is he supposed to say though?

DH has (diagnosed) ADHD and has the memory of a goldfish. It's not something he does on purpose, he genuinely can't remember. It's got him in trouble with work before and it's meant he's forgotten various appointments.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/11/2023 07:29

My dh forgets all the time but he does have a lot of symptoms of ADHD/ dyslexia and our ds is diagnosed with both.
They can only take in one thing at a time. That is a well known issue with children with dyslexia.

I use notes/ notes and more notes. It happens to dh with others too so not just tuning me out but it is frustrating. He doesn't accuse me of not telling him but it is a bit scary to see a total blank face when we have discussed it a few times. He is an extremely intelligent man in many other areas. Funny these guys always seem to marry someone with a super memory...that's me. Wonder what happens when the two people constantly forget!

Greenberg2 · 14/11/2023 07:52

margotrose · 14/11/2023 07:25

All the people saying that they do this, do you also then deny that the conversation ever took place?

If he genuinely doesn't remember the conversation, what else is he supposed to say though?

DH has (diagnosed) ADHD and has the memory of a goldfish. It's not something he does on purpose, he genuinely can't remember. It's got him in trouble with work before and it's meant he's forgotten various appointments.

There's a difference between: I don't remember, sorry and you didn't tell me even though you say you did and I've got form for not remembering/not listening properly.

margotrose · 14/11/2023 07:55

There's a difference between: I don't remember, sorry and you didn't tell me even though you say you did and I've got form for not remembering/not listening properly.

I think that's just being picky for the sake of it. If someone genuinely doesn't remember, they don't remember 🤷‍♀️

Thisbastardcomputer · 14/11/2023 08:03

Mine does exactly the same and gets quite angry and says I'm trying to undermine him. If it's important I text him

Greenberg2 · 14/11/2023 08:08

margotrose · 14/11/2023 07:55

There's a difference between: I don't remember, sorry and you didn't tell me even though you say you did and I've got form for not remembering/not listening properly.

I think that's just being picky for the sake of it. If someone genuinely doesn't remember, they don't remember 🤷‍♀️

Not picky at all. It's a completely different thing: you didn't tell me and I don't remember you telling me. If you can't see the difference between the two I think you have comprehension issues.

margotrose · 14/11/2023 08:19

It's a completely different thing: you didn't tell me and I don't remember you telling me. If you can't see the difference between the two I think you have comprehension issues.

But if someone genuinely doesn't remember, they won't see a difference between the two, will they?

I wouldn't see the need to say "I don't remember you telling me x" - I'd just say "you didn't tell me that" because in my mind, they didn't.

ssd · 14/11/2023 08:23

See dh is the opposite. He'll swear he told me something when i bloody knew he didn't. Im a worrier and was worrying i had dementia but then i realised its only dh that does this to me, i seem to remember stuff fine with the rest of the world.

Original poster
dhworry · 14/11/2023 08:27

TheVeryThing · 14/11/2023 06:02

All the people saying that they do this, do you also then deny that the conversation ever took place?
That is the concerning part, imo, and the part that everyone is ignoring.
I think some sort of shared calendar or texting the info would help but his refusal to acknowledge that he has f would seriously piss me off.
does your dh generally have a problem admitting when he’s made a mistake?

Yes he's quite defensive if he feels accused

OP posts:
Greenberg2 · 14/11/2023 08:28

margotrose · 14/11/2023 08:19

It's a completely different thing: you didn't tell me and I don't remember you telling me. If you can't see the difference between the two I think you have comprehension issues.

But if someone genuinely doesn't remember, they won't see a difference between the two, will they?

I wouldn't see the need to say "I don't remember you telling me x" - I'd just say "you didn't tell me that" because in my mind, they didn't.

Well then that's a you issue. If you know you forget things then you shouldn't discount the probability that you have forgotten. Being adamant that you're right when you know you forget things makes you the problem.

But I can see why you think this way if you think I was being picky distinguishing between two completely different propositions.

I don't think your perspective is a healthy one for the OP to hear.

WhatYouWearing · 14/11/2023 08:29

Me and my DP are both guilty of thinking things in our head and forgetting to say them out loud. Or telling someone else and thinking we've told each other. Or just not listening Blush It is frustrating!

I send emails or texts if it's super important.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 14/11/2023 08:34

I can’t keep a calendar in my head the way a lot of people do. Also, if I’m stressed about something that’s the only thing I’ll be thinking of until I’m less worried about it.

Original poster
dhworry · 14/11/2023 08:37

SeethroughDress · 14/11/2023 06:48

But why are you telling him about the shopping or the plumber? I will remember something like this if I need to let the plumber in or be there to accept the groceries, but not if it’s just background information.

If I've arranged it but he's dealing with it. Ie only one on when shopping arrives. With the plumber i told him but he didn't need to be there, I had to ring him tho to ask a question and he was annoyed as he (in his opinion) didn't know the plumber was coming

OP posts:
Original poster
dhworry · 14/11/2023 08:57

The thing is I also have a terrible memory. I have a planner that I write everything down on plus a wall calendar (both in the kitchen so visible) and I put everything in my phone. Because I find it hard to keep track of my own stuff it winds me up that I have to hold dh stuff for him too. I do feel like if I can do it he should be able to too. I am autistic tho so I tend to think quite black and white.

Tbh I was starting to worry about dementia (not so much because of the forgetting but more the complete denial of a conversation taking place. ) so I'm relieved it's quite common. If I forget something I know I forgot (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
StopGo · 14/11/2023 09:07

Weapons grade incompetence. He is far too important to listen to you. His defence mechanism is to gaslight you. Total lack of respect for you

margotrose · 14/11/2023 09:08

I don't think your perspective is a healthy one for the OP to hear.

Who are you to decide that? It's not your place to tell someone what advice or perspective they're they're allowed to bring to the discussion Hmm

All I'm trying to do is offer the potential perspective of her husband who is apparently genuinely forgetting things. Sorry you can't seem to comprehend that.

Candleabra · 14/11/2023 09:12

it’s one of three things:

Stress (unlikely - I bet he “remembers” things that are important to him)

Not listening (disrespectful and rude)

Listening but ignoring (so he doesn’t have to deal with whatever you’ve told him and can deny all knowledge)

My money is on the last one…

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/11/2023 17:36

Greenberg2 · 14/11/2023 08:08

Not picky at all. It's a completely different thing: you didn't tell me and I don't remember you telling me. If you can't see the difference between the two I think you have comprehension issues.

Show quote history

Trouble comes from where abuse clouds the issue - I was regularly informed in a similar tone to the one you are using that I'd either imagined things I'd been told or had forgotten things I wasn't as a great way of disorienting me, entertaining them and as an excuse for more abuse.

That means there's then anxiety and fear (which can manifest as defensiveness) in a reaction to somebody else.

The fact that my reaction is to say 'I have no memory of that, I'm sorry' doesn't mean anything more than 'I don't remember and even though I'm safe with you, I'm saying it like this because part of me is still conditioned to expect and try to duck a punch to the side of the head where my hair will hide any bruising in school/work/the shops whilst being called a stupid, ugly child/cretin/bloody useless fucking fl-d/pathetic bitch lacking in comprehension'. (The precise terms depending upon whether it was my mother or my ex looking for some entertainment of an evening).