Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

Say that now she is older she can make her own decisions but that families shouldn’t be divided up by other people.
Is that directed at the op for dividing her younger 2 from parental family?

Do you expect her to be in their wills? MN often seems to feel that children should be treated equally but as soon as wills comes up step children should get nothing.

They’re also old enough to let their mother know they disagree with the decision she made, have their own feelings on the matter, and act accordingly. They’re also old enough for this to influence their relationship with her.

Doesn’t really work as an analogy though does it

You've prioritised your oldest DD, in front of your younger two. My EXDP used to do this with his older DC, ahead of our two who he lived with. I eventually left him, and one of the reasons was that I didn't want my DC to grow up feeling like they were second class. That's what you've done to your DC. You've taken away their chance to form a relationship with their paternal family, and you need to do everything you can to help repair this now.

There are a lot of people on here guilty of choosing to leave a child out - and defending their positions to the hilt, the flower girl situation for one is completely unacceptable. Why leave one little girl out?

No one is trying to justify it to you - they don’t need to. They didn’t treat her like their grandchild because she isn’t. Their relationship with her wasn’t the same as the relationship they had with their grandchildren.

It doesn’t matter if you agree or approve, you don’t have to. You’re totally free to get as mad about it as you like, it’s not going to change anything though.

You can’t make people feel exactly the same towards all of their own kids either, but it’s still the right thing to treat them all the same.

In laws didn’t have to feel the exact same way towards all kids, doesn’t mean they had to make sure there was a clear difference between e.g. ‘niceness’ of presents.

Sounds like they just thought - ‘oh that’s just DB/DS’s wife’s child, nothing to do with us’. So essentially didn’t really regard OP as family either, despite the fact their brother/son was living in a household / as a family with all 4 of these people.

I think it’s clearly one of those ones where different people have different values.

I don't view my SIL in the same way as I do my brother - of course I don't! If he and she split, I'd never see her again - but he is always going to be my brother.

Your inlaws while nice to your eldest daughter made a point of treating her differently. Why should children suffer because adults in your extended family cannot behave fairly towards all children in your immediate family. I would suggest that you sit your younger children down as they are now adults and ask them how they would've felt in your eldest daughters shoes. Those who are blaming you are likely to be the same who would treat children the same way and shame on them.

Sure – I don’t view my SIL the way I do my own sister, or my niece-in-law the same as my own nieces – but still regard them as family and contribute equally to their birthday gifts with DH, and likewise he does the same with my family.

Again, because one girl isn't related to them and the others are.

You're free to find that as "unacceptable" as you like.

So if someone adopted a child, and the other children were ‘blood’ relations, it would be totally fine for in-laws to leave out the adopted child because they were not related?

No no no. In-laws don’t get to be mean to your kids by choosing which ones are in their family and which aren’t, and as a Mum good for you for standing up to that.

I don't - I buy my family gifts, my partner sorts his side. I buy my brother and sil roughly to the same value, but I do give my niece and nephew money that their step siblings don't get.

They're not my family, my brother's kids are. If he was to legally adopt them, then I'd treat them the same, because legally they would be.

But I'm divorced, and my heart was broken by never seeing in-law nieces and nephews who I had made a lot of effort with once me and my ex split, and I won't do that again - I won't leave myself open to that again, so the only family invest emotionally in are those that will stick around post-divorce.

What would you say re my assets, I've asked a few times, I have two "step" kids (we aren't married). Am I supposed to split my assets 5 ways? Or is it ok that i just leave what I have to my kids?

Honestly - i know I'm not alone in this - I'd never regard a step child on equal terms with my blood relatives. In the same way i don't regard in laws the way i do my own parents and siblings.

I can't help it. Its biology, we are animals most of us are programmed to recognise and feel a special bond towards members of our own little genetic group. I know adoptive parents etc hate when people say this, and I'm sorry, i don't mean to offend. I think a subset of people including most adopters, are different and have an ability to form connections on a different basis, thats a wonderful thing but we don't all have that ability.

I have nothing to do with what DH buys his siblings or parents, just like he doesn't get involved in what I choose to buy my family.

I wouldn't leave out an adopted child, because legally that child is joined to the family by their adoption.

I buy my family gifts, my partner sorts his side. I buy my brother and sil roughly to the same value, but I do give my niece and nephew money that their step siblings don't get.

This. Dh buys the gifts for his side, I do mine.

Adopted is a legal relationship/status. Step-child is not. You can't compare them.

I wouldn't leave out an adopted child, because legally that child is joined to the family by their adoption.

This. It is permanent, and their bio parents have ceased the parental connection. Its completely different.

My partner's family aren't my family. If he and me split, I'd never see them again. And I'm ok with that (and so is he, fwiw). I don't treat his kids in the same way as I do mine - what I buy for mine is up to me, what he does for his is up to him.

Oh please! This is just nonsense now - legally would make you not leave out a child but any other child… like a foster child…

I wouldn't treat a foster child the same, no - especially not a short term foster. I would treat an adopted child exactly the same, as they are legally joined to the family.

There is adoption in my wider family, and I make no difference.

I obey the law. And the law says they are joined to the family once adopted. I don't know what is hard to understand about that.

Because adoption means they are legally part of the family so if the parents split the child would still be part of your family. They wouldn’t just poof into the distance as a memory they would still be your son/daughters child.

Just like dh’s nephews are his not mine, if we divorce I’d never see them again or his sister.

They didn’t leave her out. They got her a present, they just didn’t spend as much as they did on their actual grandchildren. I don’t agree that that’s wrong, or that it would be wrong in the case of a foster child either.