Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

I'd want to know if my younger sisters thought I was a failure and pretty much hated me so I could cut them off! Can't stand 2 faced people.

I don’t want to appear stupid by being an apologist for my in-laws but I don’t think it was a case of trying to exclude eldest more about wanting to treat their grandchildren… I accept outcome was the same.

Sorry OP but I think you're being a bit disingenuous here. It wasn't just about the grandparents was it? There was the flower girl incident and not wanting your eldest to go to your mum's while the others went somewhere else.

You were so determined that your eldest shouldn't be disadvantaged or treated less favourably, to the point where you deprived the younger two of opportunities they should rightfully have had. In that sense you prioritised the eldest over the younger ones consistently. FWIW yes I do think the younger ones have a valid reason to feel that you let them down.

It's too late now but your approach should have been one of supporting the eldest through the differences, not making sure the younger ones never had anything the eldest couldnt have.

Why does your youngest say your eldest was an embarrassment? That's a cruel thing to say.

I think you were in a no win situation. If you'd stood by and repeatedly let your eldest feel pushed out, it could well be her now accusing you of things. Saying that you should never have remarried and that her younger siblings were favoured.

It sounds like you tried to protect your immediate family unit which has sadly caused resentment from the two youngest.

What could have in fact resolved this, would have been if your in laws made an effort to appear equal.

Why should they? People might ask. To save a child's feelings.

They did have something the eldest didn't have.

A father in their lives. Whilst they are throwing a strip over being flower girls. People are underestimating the damage of being rejected by a parent.

Why should the eldest have had to have her face rubbed in it repeatedly?

Its not the younger twos fault the oldest dad/family are deadbeats as a parent/grandparents/aunties and uncles.

But they are the ones who paid the price for it by not being allowed their normal family relationship with a family who wanted them.

That’s not their fault, or something they should be held responsible for compensating for.

It's not their fault. But op was in an impossible position.

Unless you have been in this situation then you cannot understand. When you have a child with an absent parent you will shield them from more trauma.

The in laws should have made more of an effort.

It wasn’t the fault or responsibility of the in laws either.

OP prioritised the feelings of her eldest over those of her younger two. Unfortunately that’s had a negative impact on her relationship with them. However good her intentions, that’s someone she’s now having to deal with, and live with.

I’m the older sibling here with younger half sibling and deadbeat donor/donor family and still think the op fucked up.

I knew my siblings family where his side not mine I still got gifts but I wasn’t raised with the entitlement or expectation that a family not my own should treat me exactly the same as one of their own.

It's not the fault of her younger siblings that her dad wasn't around, though.

I know what you're saying, but that's for the adults to deal with, it shouldn't be the case that two small children have to make sacrifices as a result.

I'm quite aghast reading this. It seems on Mumsnet that people think step mothers do not have to treat step children as their own and are expected to do little parenting of them but somehow extended family have to treat all children the same irrespective of whether they're biologically related or not. The mind boggles.

I think you can only say you did your best. She was only 3 when you met DH, I think to treat her differently in any way was unkind. No win situation for you.

It’s almost like MN is more than one person

I disagree - I wouldn’t want any of my children near such unkind people. It’s a reasonable precaution to hold such people at arms length.

Not in the eyes of her children, who did and do want a relationship with their family. That’s more important than what OP wanted or wants.

I don't think they were unkind.

This is the issue with blending families - you can't make people treat your children the same way they treat their own biological relatives.

At the end of the day, two little girls missed out on a relationship with their extended family over this.That's really sad.

I genuinely don't know how you navigate this, and it's why I never had a partner until mine were very much older.

My kids have 3 step siblings, I have 3, my partner has 2. Are all the adults in the intersections of their lives supposed to treat them like full family members? How would that work? I want to leave my assets to my own children - I'm not leaving anything to my partner's two, nor is he leaving anything to mine. Surely by some of the logic here that's unfair, we should be splitting what we have 5 ways not 3 and 2?

What about my ex - he's leaving his three kids his assets. Should he be leaving it divided by 6 because step siblings?

I don't particularly know my brother's step children. I see them once in a blue moon. But I am much closer to my niece and nephew. Shouldn't I see my niece and nephew. unless their step siblings come too? Why can't I have an independent relationship with my brother's children?

You and I have very different ideas of kindness. What kind of person buys big presents for everybody but one child?

People who wanted to spend their money on their grandchildren, and were kind enough to get their half sister a present as well.

They bought big presents for their grandchildren and a smaller one for a child who isn't related to them in any way. That's normal, it's not unkind.

I think the eldest being a very young child of 3 is a factor in the OP wanting to protect her.

I can certainly understand this.

In a situation where a child was a teen, the relationship could have been explained and expectations could have been managed better.

The childrens father should have made a far greater effort if he felt strongly about the two youngest seeing more of his family.

He didn't.
He suited himself.

Now he is throwing the OP under a bus, just like his niece, whom seems intent on stirring up bad feeling and repeating what she has heard at home.

This.

I get my niece and nephew presents, and I buy for my brother's step children if they are with us at christmas. I give the presents to the same value on the day, ish, but my niece and nephew also get money to their bank accounts. I don't give money to my brother's step children.

You and I have very different ideas of kindness. What kind of person buys big presents for everybody but one child?

The kind that isn't related to the child?

She had her own relatives to buy her gifts

You cannot make people feel the same towards a unrelated stepchild whom they have not chosen to have in their lives, that they do towards their own grandchildren.

Op it sounds like you wanted your daughter to have a 2 parent experience with all the trimmings, with younger DCs dad & relations, and were bitter when they didn't want that, so as a result sabotaged the relationship with your youngest

I mean the kids across the road from me don't get loads at christmas because their parents aren't into it. I don't buy them big gifts to even them out with my own kids because they aren't my kids. I do give them a chocolate selection box.

There seem to be a few issues here, but at the heart of it - you seem to be wanting to not have divisiveness set in from your in-laws and manipulation. I might be wrong, very hard without knowing, but if that’s really the case then I think it was fine to stand up to that.

In laws can always visit you all in your home if they wanted a relationship I presume?

I’ve had this when my Ex in-laws were being divisive around DS, to the detriment of his older brother and I have no qualms about blocking it. They even tried to block me from a family event and just wanted DS! Who has SN and I also had safeguarding concerns, genuine ones. It in laws want a relationship that is fine, but it can’t be on their terms.

Your partner ‘siding’ with everyone is ridiculous. If he had disagreed he should have had it out with you a long time ago.

So if I were you I’d just be upfront, and tell them why and say you don’t regret, if you don’t. Say that now she is older she can make her own decisions but that families shouldn’t be divided up by other people.