Hubby wanted lap dance but never got one

Bellybutton88 · 2023-11-12T11:18:06+00:00

My husband of 10 years (together for 20 years now and we're married with 2 kids) recently admitted to me that on a stag do before we were married he wanted to get a lap dance at a strip club but never got one because he didn't have enough cash. He asked the stripper he wanted to do the same with if he could have one for free - of course she turned him down. He insists he hasn't wanted one since and has never had one. He doesn't go to those types of establishments other than during stags , so he's only ever been to strip clubs twice. AIBU to be upset?

tortiecat · 12/11/2023 11:20

YANBU to be upset. As for asking a stripper to work for free - what a peach.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 12/11/2023 11:21

It was before you were married so, in my opinion, not worth falling out over. If it makes you feel better, discuss setting it as a boundary for your relationship, should he ever get the opportunity again.

edit: typo

pinkyredrose · 12/11/2023 11:23

Let it go.

Catza · 12/11/2023 11:23

I would be upset at him wanting a woman to work for free.

booksandbeans · 12/11/2023 11:24

He is a man, they are not the brightest when it comes to judgement calls after a few beers, especially on stag dos with a bunch of mates. he made a mistake, he has not repeated this mistake. Tbh I would be breathing a sigh of relief that he appears to have learnt his lesson & moved on.

Haydenn · 12/11/2023 11:28

Can’t imagine what the stripper thought having to deal with someone asking for a free dance because they haven’t got any money. How absolutely pathetic.

FoxClocks · 12/11/2023 11:31

It was 10 years ago and nothing even happened. Hopefully he has grown up a bit and seen the error of his ways.

paintingvenice · 12/11/2023 11:31

I think I’d have a severe case of the ick with a man who admitted to trying to beg a free lapdance off a stripper. What an absolute low point

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 12/11/2023 11:32

Asking a stripper for a free lap dance, seriously? What a clown. Divorce him. Immediately.

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 11:32

Of course you;re not being unreasonable!!

I'm sure that HE wouldn't be happy with you desiring a semi-naked handsome man grinding his dick into your lap!

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 11:32

paintingvenice · 12/11/2023 11:31

I think I’d have a severe case of the ick with a man who admitted to trying to beg a free lapdance off a stripper. What an absolute low point

Right? What a loser.

Noorandapples · 12/11/2023 11:33

It's odd that he would say this out loud to the supposed love of his life

Doseofreality · 12/11/2023 11:35

That is just grim, and embarrassing and screams very loudly of his attitude towards women.

AgaMM · 12/11/2023 11:35

It was before you married, was presumably drunk and immature and has since grown up since then.

Definitely icky but worth getting upset over? No.

madeinmanc · 12/11/2023 11:36

It doesn't really ring true, does it? The reality is always more than what is admitted to when it comes to lapdances, strippers and prostitutes: "I went in but didn't have a private dance", "my mates all got a prostitute but I didn't"...sure.

Smileycup · 12/11/2023 11:41

booksandbeans · 12/11/2023 11:24

He is a man, they are not the brightest when it comes to judgement calls after a few beers, especially on stag dos with a bunch of mates. he made a mistake, he has not repeated this mistake. Tbh I would be breathing a sigh of relief that he appears to have learnt his lesson & moved on.

My DH is also a man. He also has had beer. He would not do this. He finds the sex work industry distasteful and recognises the issues with for women.

Please don’t lump all men under the ‘boys will be boys’ trope. And don’t give men the excuse to behave like morons. I expect better from the men in my life and on the whole they are awesome.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 12/11/2023 11:48

Why is he telling you this now and not 10+ years ago so you could make an informed choice about getting married to him?

Original poster

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 11:56

He lied to me 10 years when i asked him if anything happened on the stag. He said nothing happened. However it had always bothered me , really don't know why - probably because it was he and his friends' first stag, it was his first strip club visit so i found it hard to believe nothing really happened. I recently asked him again and he admitted that he wanted a free dance because he didn't have enough cash but that was it. He thought it would be a laugh with his mates and nothing more. He said he is sorry and he never did it again and he no longer goes to those places. Now i don't know whether to a) believe him or not and b) if i believe him whether to let it go or not. It really upsets me that he even asked a stripper that. I really thought he was the type who would say "no thanks, got a girl at home".😔

OP posts:

Itsnotchristmasyet · 12/11/2023 12:05

I recently asked him again

It was 10 years ago. Let it go.

I wouldn’t have an issue with my DP having a lap dance.
But if you would that’s fine, but he didn’t have one.

Are you seriously considering ending your entire relationship over the fact that he wanted a lap dance 10 years ago?

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 12/11/2023 12:08

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 11:56

He lied to me 10 years when i asked him if anything happened on the stag. He said nothing happened. However it had always bothered me , really don't know why - probably because it was he and his friends' first stag, it was his first strip club visit so i found it hard to believe nothing really happened. I recently asked him again and he admitted that he wanted a free dance because he didn't have enough cash but that was it. He thought it would be a laugh with his mates and nothing more. He said he is sorry and he never did it again and he no longer goes to those places. Now i don't know whether to a) believe him or not and b) if i believe him whether to let it go or not. It really upsets me that he even asked a stripper that. I really thought he was the type who would say "no thanks, got a girl at home".😔

If you’re obsessing about this ten years on then you don’t trust him. If you are obsessing about this ten years on and he ISNT the type to be like ‘no thanks got a girl at home’, short of inventing a Time Machine what do you want to do about it? Just split up and move on with your life. Good grief. He hardly sounds like someone you would even want to be married to anyway.

Original poster

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 12:08

No not ending per se, but i do feel upset about which is why I'm asking if I'm BU. If i am BU then fine i will accept and will try to get over it, but if i am not BU then i will need to think about next steps. He knows how upset its made me and he is apologetic but I really am unsure. Thanks all for listening

OP posts:

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 12/11/2023 12:10

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 12:08

No not ending per se, but i do feel upset about which is why I'm asking if I'm BU. If i am BU then fine i will accept and will try to get over it, but if i am not BU then i will need to think about next steps. He knows how upset its made me and he is apologetic but I really am unsure. Thanks all for listening

The only next step is to leave. He is a moron. Obviously.

MinnieL · 12/11/2023 12:11

Get a grip

Motnight · 12/11/2023 12:13

Haydenn · 12/11/2023 11:28

Can’t imagine what the stripper thought having to deal with someone asking for a free dance because they haven’t got any money. How absolutely pathetic.

This. If true. I'm not sure that your DH is telling the truth though, Op.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 12/11/2023 12:25

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 12:08

No not ending per se, but i do feel upset about which is why I'm asking if I'm BU. If i am BU then fine i will accept and will try to get over it, but if i am not BU then i will need to think about next steps. He knows how upset its made me and he is apologetic but I really am unsure. Thanks all for listening

But we can’t really tell you this.

You either are BU, in which you need to drop it and move on.

Or you’re not BU and you need to end the relationship.

We all have different boundaries and we can say how we feel but not what you should do for you.

You obviously can’t get over this and it doesn’t really matter what we think because it’s your relationship, so your only option is to end the relationship.

If this happened a few weeks ago then it would be different.
But you’ve been thinking about this for more than 10 years and your entire marriage.

It’s obviously something you feel very strongly about and you can either try and forget about it or choose to end things and move on.
If you’ve not been able to move on from it in 10 years, then you’re never going to be a or to.