Hubby wanted lap dance but never got one

[Bellybutton88]

My husband of 10 years (together for 20 years now and we're married with 2 kids) recently admitted to me that on a stag do before we were married he wanted to get a lap dance at a strip club but never got one because he didn't have enough cash. He asked the stripper he wanted to do the same with if he could have one for free - of course she turned him down. He insists he hasn't wanted one since and has never had one. He doesn't go to those types of establishments other than during stags , so he's only ever been to strip clubs twice. AIBU to be upset?

You asked, and you didn't like the answer.

Nothing did happen 10 years ago. The circumstances were a little white lie to not hurt you unnecessarily.

Why are you still thinking about this a decade later, is there anything else he's done?

Going to strip clubs full stop is pretty ick and not something I'd take lightly.

Why have you been worried about it for so long, OP? How did the conversation come up again?

Right! , I cringed at the "he is a man" comment!

Also, why is everyone using the "before marriage" excuse? Is that the point we are supposed to be faithful?

Sorry babe, I accidentally shagged your brother, but it was BEFORE marriage so let's move on!

If it makes you feel any better, almost all straight men indulge in some level of this behaviour if they can get away with it. The main difference is how much is known. He's not worse than other men in this respect.

Oh please!

Nothing happened to HIM.

Vis-å-vis stag dos, you now know more than enough.

You have the ick and that's fair enough. But a lot of water has gone under the bridge and he's probably glad. Let bygones be bygones unless you have good cause to doubt him now. (At which point, crucify him.)

He probably confessed because it was worrying him. Forget it.

Sorry babe, I accidentally shagged your brother, but it was BEFORE marriage so let's move on!

believe it not - this happens! I know people who have done this. People (men and women) do have a relationship with one sibling before marrying the other. Sometimes their mates drag them into a strip club and they make a bad call, peer pressure exists. Shit happens, deal with it. In real life not all men are not wrapped up in cotton wool, dressed as a white knight upon a unicorn.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. It was years ago and he never even got the dance so…….

If you are so upset about something that didn’t actually happen what 10+ years ago I can only assume you have issues within your marriage and this is how your dealing with whatever that issue is

I’d have the ick more that he was unintelligent enough to needlessly reveal this ancient thought he had that actually resulted in nothing happening! Why even bother to mention it? If he had a brain he’d know it could only cause upset.

Except it sounds like it was OP who brought it up because it’s been bothering her for 10 years. Why, who knows!

Does he realise that by asking a stripper to perform a sexual act for him for free; he's basically just admitted that he tried to cheat on you, but only didn't because the woman wasn't interested in him?

He wanted to get with another woman; she said "only if you pay me." The only thing that stopped him cheating on you was the contents of his wallet.

Why did he think that the stripper would work for him for free? Did he think he had a connection with her? Did he think she fancied him? If he thought she'd dance for him for free and she agreed, what else would he have asked her to do?

It's certainly ick inducing behaviour, I can see why it's put you off him.

If my dh went to a strip club ever let alone on his stag do there would have been no wedding, and yes if I found out 10 years later they'd be a divorce.
Some men may be happy to degrade women but there's no place for them in my life.

He lied to me 10 years when i asked him if anything happened on the stag. He said nothing happened.

I suppose in his mind it was true that nothing happened - because he didn't have the cash. People change in 10 years. Hopefully he's a lot more mature now.

I'm not condoning the whole principle of lap dances, that's an essay in waiting, but if the relationship is otherwise good let this one go.

Blokes eh, what are they like lolz bantz lads lads lads.

They can't help thinking with their cocks. They are just daft menz.

Ffs 🙄

Agree that the worst thing in this situation is him asking a woman to give him a freebie.

Tight wad, sexist and the objectification of women in one fell swoop.

He didn't get the dance but it wasn't through lack of trying!

Oh please!

let it go, it’s not worth getting worked up over. Men misbehave sometimes on stag do’s, and sure women do too on hen’s, doesn’t make it right, but 10yrs on to have a row over it? No. He’s told you, he didn’t have to

I would be upset.

1. Because he asked a women to give him a lapdance for free. That is so gross and entitled.

1. That he was planning on getting lap dance on his stag do (you may be ok with that though idk)

and

1. Because he decided to tell you now years after the fact instead of just keeping that to himself.

I'd feel pretty disgusted with him

I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think lap dances are cheating. The presence of money doesn't make writhing around semi-naked OK. And he tried it without money, so even people who think it's not cheating because it's transactional, well in this case he tried for free.

However, it's been 10 years, he didn't actually do anything and he doesn't go to strip clubs now.

Not sure I'd be able to look at him the same. And lying for 10 years to save the conversation is pretty dreadful too.

I have recently turned 50 and also had life saving medical treatment. All I can say is I am so glad that I have lived life with gay abandon and selected people to share mine with who I didn't have to constantly second guess over crap like this. Life is so bloody short and precious, are you seriously going to waste it obsessing over something that may or may not have happened with someone who probably lies to you? Stag nights are grim and sleazy, what do you think happens in strip clubs? I get the lying and the ick but not exactly why this makes you so insecure? Do you think he wishes he was with her? Because I can assure you, she won't have any memory of him and the fleeting space he took up in her brain would have been a yuk, another dirty bastard before she clocked off and got on with her life. Which is what you need to do.

A long time ago, I went to a hen do, and there was a male stripper, who was pretty full on in his act. At that age, and with that group of friends, it didn't seem wrong. Fast forward to now and I find the idea repulsive. What people do when they are young and foolish, and what they do with a few more years and life experience behind them are very different.

This is not something I would end a marriage over. More an opportunity for an open discussion.

Ten years ago nothing much happened, and even now nothing still happened, what made you ask him about it again OP?

Seems really odd to have this play on your mind for a decade.

I'd see this as equivalent to him telling you that he tried to cheat on you ten years ago but the other woman wasn't up for it. Where you go from there is up to you. I think if everything else is great then I'd be willing to put the work in to moving past it (and this is where i think people might suggest counselling although I'd only agree with that if you have a really good counsellor as some of them are worse than useless), especially as you have children.

The problem you have OP is that you knew there was more to it and you've finally found out after 10 years that he lied to you. You now know he lied then - but how are you supposed to know if he's lying again and telling you this story of something and nothing when really he did have a private dance? Who knows what went on at this stag do - he's certainly not going to tell you if anything did.

You didn't trust him, now you know you were right not to trust him - so where do you go from here?

This ^