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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby wanted lap dance but never got one

87 replies

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 11:18

My husband of 10 years (together for 20 years now and we're married with 2 kids) recently admitted to me that on a stag do before we were married he wanted to get a lap dance at a strip club but never got one because he didn't have enough cash. He asked the stripper he wanted to do the same with if he could have one for free - of course she turned him down. He insists he hasn't wanted one since and has never had one. He doesn't go to those types of establishments other than during stags , so he's only ever been to strip clubs twice. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
PrudeyTwoShoes · 13/11/2023 01:17

Zanatdy · 12/11/2023 14:46

let it go, it’s not worth getting worked up over. Men misbehave sometimes on stag do’s, and sure women do too on hen’s, doesn’t make it right, but 10yrs on to have a row over it? No. He’s told you, he didn’t have to

Not that I want to derail OPs thread, but this comment instantly bought a thread to mind that I read on here a couple months ago. A women on a hen do got a bit carried away with a striper, whipped cream and union jack flag (if you believe it wasn't a troll post).

I absolutely do not think either sex should get a free pass because it's a hen/stag do where booze is flowing. while it was wrong for OPs DH to ask for a free dance, I think some people are barmy to make a non-incident from 10 years ago into a marriage-ending problem.

OP knew where he was going and, from the sounds of things, hadn't set a lap dance as a boundary in the relationship. Her DP thought he'd try his luck and was quite rightly told to piss off. I think, if anything, OP should be most cross about the inital deception. That being said, in his mind nothing actually happened.

RantyAnty · 13/11/2023 02:14

I'd let it go in this case he was being rather pathetic to expect a free dance.

Have you ever tried to give him a dance for fun?

Motnight · 13/11/2023 06:04

RantyAnty · 13/11/2023 02:14

I'd let it go in this case he was being rather pathetic to expect a free dance.

Have you ever tried to give him a dance for fun?

Yes, that is the issue here. Fun dancing.

Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 13/11/2023 06:56

RantyAnty · 13/11/2023 02:14

I'd let it go in this case he was being rather pathetic to expect a free dance.

Have you ever tried to give him a dance for fun?

That's it. I give up. What's the bloody point of even trying? Sad that I think men have actually changed more over the last few decades and a sub species of woman has emerged. How about nobody fucking sex dance 🙈

fuzzystar · 13/11/2023 07:03

He asked for one for free? Shows how little he thought of the dancer

fuzzystar · 13/11/2023 07:03

RantyAnty · 13/11/2023 02:14

I'd let it go in this case he was being rather pathetic to expect a free dance.

Have you ever tried to give him a dance for fun?

What? Why would OP do that? Has he danced for her for fun?

plsbequiet · 13/11/2023 07:14

It was 10 years ago. Let it go.

madeinmanc · 13/11/2023 07:18

Why is everyone automatically believing this dubious story? Not that I think OP should split with him over it but come on... pull the other one!

Showmeshowme2 · 13/11/2023 07:31

It’s 10 years ago and nothing happened. Well worth leaving someone for!

daisychain01 · 13/11/2023 07:39

Bellybutton88 · 12/11/2023 12:08

No not ending per se, but i do feel upset about which is why I'm asking if I'm BU. If i am BU then fine i will accept and will try to get over it, but if i am not BU then i will need to think about next steps. He knows how upset its made me and he is apologetic but I really am unsure. Thanks all for listening

Please go by what you care about. This is obviously a significant issue to you (it would be for me).

it's your marriage and your life. Why follow what people on here tell you, go with your own mind, be an independent thinker and act accordingly. Just don't lower your standards or compromise on your personal happiness, it will never get better the longer it goes on, it will gnaw away at you.

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 08:35

Please don’t lump all men under the ‘boys will be boys’ trope. And don’t give men the excuse to behave like morons. I expect better from the men in my life and on the whole they are awesome.

This. Fed up of shitty excuses for toxic male behaviour.

When DH was on his stag, he came home at 9.30pm. On the actual evening of his stag. He was sober, and furious. His best man had tried to take him to a strip club when specifically asked him not to, and tried to guilt him in to going in. That was the first thing they arrived at and he just turned around and came home. "She won't find out", "what are you worried about", "it'll be a laugh". Toxic male bs. DH is a gem though.

madeinmanc · 13/11/2023 08:44

What, so he had no money? How did he manage for the rest of the evening, then? And the rest of the trip? He didn't have a debit card? He didn't have a credit card? Really?

Original poster
Bellybutton88 · 13/11/2023 12:00

madeinmanc · 13/11/2023 08:44

What, so he had no money? How did he manage for the rest of the evening, then? And the rest of the trip? He didn't have a debit card? He didn't have a credit card? Really?

He didn't go into detail, just said he didn't have enough money. Bear in mind this was about 10+ years ago and they didn't have Monzo or Revolut (the stag do was in Ibiza). I guess in those times they would change up a limited amount of cash for the whole trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellybutton88 · 13/11/2023 12:07

CantFindTheBeat · 12/11/2023 12:33

Going to strip clubs full stop is pretty ick and not something I'd take lightly.

Why have you been worried about it for so long, OP? How did the conversation come up again?

I think I keep it in the back of my mind because at the time I really didn't want him to go as I am quite insecure but I didn't stop him in the end because I was supposed to 'trust' him. I have since been paranoid that something has happened- so every now and then i do question him about it . Lately they have been talking about arranging a lads trip to Thailand and that's why it was brought up again and this time he admitted wanting a dance but didn't get one. However he insists nothing did/ will happen

OP posts:
cornflower21 · 13/11/2023 12:12

Let it go op.

Get his card and go treat yourself!

ConstitutionHill · 13/11/2023 12:18

It's the request for a free dance that's really given me "the ick". Sad, pissed, broke guy in seedy clip joint, genuinely thinks this woman might shake her vag in his face for free? Like she is really enjoying this or thinks he's sooo attractive that she actually fancies him? So utterly deluded.

madeinmanc · 13/11/2023 12:20

Don't split up with him, don't agree to him going to Thailand either IMO. What do you think men go there for? I lived in East Asia, I've seen it all.

ManateeFair · 13/11/2023 12:39

YANBU to be upset. Some women would be upset, some wouldn't be. There's no right or wrong reaction; you feel how you feel.

However, I think if you have a husband who is into pissed-up stag dos in Ibiza with the lads, you probably should have guessed before now that he might be someone who would go to strip club. I wouldn't be happy if my DP announced that he'd tried to get a free dance from a stripper, but I probably also wouldn't be with him if he was the type who goes on that kind of lads' holiday. (Nothing wrong with going on those kinds of lads' trips, but I personally just find it all a massive turn-off - same with holidays for big groups of women!)

ManateeFair · 13/11/2023 12:41

Lately they have been talking about arranging a lads trip to Thailand

Yeah, I don't think they're going for the culture and sightseeing, are they?

DonnaBanana · 13/11/2023 14:10

What would happen if your DH cheekily asked a woman in a coffee shop for a free extra shot of espresso? This isn't really about taking advantage of women or asking women to do things for free. This is about not seeing strippers as your equal as people.

RandomNutter · 13/11/2023 14:18

I'd say, if he is a good partner and you are happy, yabu. If you're not, then yanbu.
The issue for me would be the Thailand trip.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2023 15:39

Lately they have been talking about arranging a lads trip to Thailand

Let me guess, they REALLY like temples.

You'd have to be insane to be OK with this.

KnowYouAreLoved · 13/11/2023 15:47

Ugh he turns my stomach.

Didn't think it was possible to make going to a strip club any more sleazy and nasty but begging a free dance is so, so grim.

Honestly OP, have some bloody standards (that goes for a fair few of the replies on here too). It's depressing that on a predominantly female oriented site there are so many boyz will be boyz eh, what are they like after a beer hahah, buying women's bodies like a commodity LOLZ comments.

booksandbeans · 13/11/2023 16:13

An ill advised visit to a strip club 10 years ago is probably not worth losing too much sleep over, but a ‘lads trip’ (guess they are in their 40’s now, not really lads anymore) to Thailand 10 years later is pushing boundaries. How do the other wives feel about this?

Haydenn · 13/11/2023 16:37

booksandbeans · 13/11/2023 16:13

An ill advised visit to a strip club 10 years ago is probably not worth losing too much sleep over, but a ‘lads trip’ (guess they are in their 40’s now, not really lads anymore) to Thailand 10 years later is pushing boundaries. How do the other wives feel about this?

Particularly as her husband is likely to have learned his lesson and is unlikely to run out of money on this one…