Is a manager allowed to comment on weight?

[Dystopia5]

really hope someone can help.

ive been struggling at work recently. On paper everyone thinks I’m doing really well, but I feel like I’m losing more and more confidence and I’m becoming worse and worse at my job. I won’t bore you all with the ins and outs of it but that’s it summed up

I do not have an eating disorder but I’ve accidentally lost a lot of weight recently- I didn’t mean to and I do love food but when I’m stressed I just can’t seem to eat. Like last night I got home from work and it just seemed so much effort to go into the kitchen and make food, I don’t know why because it’s not any effort at all but i just didn’t feel like it so I went straight to bed instead. I hadn’t eaten lunch because I was doing extra work. That’s the sort of bad habit I’ve got into and the problem is it keeps happening when I’m stressed. When I do try to eat when I’m stressed it tastes like cardboard and I can’t really swallow it it’s just horrible, it’s like stress is controlling me

my weight has dropped and my bmi is around 16-17 now whereas it was 21 3 months ago (normal for me). I’ve been wearing baggy clothes as much as I can but with out uniform it’s still obvious I’ve lost a lot of weight as a few colleagues have said it and I’ve just quickly changed the subject because I obviously didn’t want to talk about it

But now since people have noticed, im terrified someone in charge at work is going to comment on my weight- mainly because if they do I’ll probably burst into tears about the whole thing. My managers have noticed things like me working over lunch and we have our annual meetings next month to discuss how we have been doing and I’m so worried they’re going to notice I’ve been working over my lunch and I’ve lost weight. But they won’t do that will they? It’s personal life so they can’t comment on it or say anything about it can they? I’m just terrified I lose my job or I get demoted or something, or I’m scared they ask and I burst into tears or become an upset mess about it. But im guessing and hoping they won’t be able to say anything about it at all?

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of being stressed and losing weight but also not wanting to lose weight but not feeling like eating much either, and now I’m terrified I’ll lose my career for it or get into trouble for it at work.

You won’t lose your job over this. But they may ask you about it - out of concern. I manage a young woman who I think has an ED. A few people approached me to say they were worried about her too. So I gently explained my concern and told her she didn’t have to say anything to me or talk to me but pointed her in the direction of our (free) counselling service, highlighted it was confidential, and explained that if anything at work was causing any problems she should let me know.

I couldn’t say nothing when I was worried about her, as a manager I consider myself to have a sort of duty of care. But I never pushed and her job was absolutely never on the line. Indeed I still think she has an ED, and her job remains safe. I only said it at all out if worry and to point her towards help we offer to all employees.

I’ve just come off an HR training session where the crux was - notice stuff and bring it up, with a view to supporting team members to continue to be able to make their valued contribution to the service.

So we would be expected to notice a change in our team members and find an opportunity for a quiet, confidential SUPPORTIVE chat - is everything ok? Is there anything you’d like to talk about? Is there anything I can support you with? And signpost to sources of support where necessary.

I have to say as someone who works in HR, I would have a chat to ask how you are doing. Evidently losing a lot of weight, working over lunch etc. I'd do a light welfare check and also check in on your workload.

I'm a manager and I'd definitely ask you if you required support and also direct you to our therapeutic services at work

I would be very direct about it (I work for camhs!)

Could you try batch cooking nd freezing in small portions so you have a quick nutritious microwaveable meal ready at night when you come in? You can buy them but it's usually better to make your own. And you might be tempted to nibble during the cooking process.

Keep your fruitbowl full for quick healthy snacks - apples, bananas, grapes are non-messy easy snacks. Have packets of nuts handy, low salt ones, and slip a couple in your bag with an apple to eat at work.

Op - I hear you. I’m in hospital for the same reason because they’re hearing me the right way round for me. Finally.

I am glad you have said this, as I was going to say OP, either you have an eating disorder or you don't.

If you do, then get yourself to your GP and start on the road to getting it back under control. Won't be easy, but you have to start somewhere.

If you do not feel you have an eating disorder and that this weight has mysteriously dropped off, then I suggest you get yourself into the kitchen and make yourself a bacon sandwich (other fillings are available in most fridges) and start eating it.

Firstly, I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time right now.

I think you’re worrying about the wrong thing with whether your manager will mention your weight or not.
You should be more worried about the fact that you either A. Have an eating disorder B. Are about to have a stress triggered breakdown C. Are just starving yourself to death (you could quite literally die if this carried on)

As a first step I’d see your GP or seek private therapy but you also need to communicate with your workplace as to why you are so stressed and work with them to resolve the issue. (But given your anxiety around work it may be easier to work through approaching this with a therapist)

You probably don’t want to hear this but I think you could probably do with being signed off for a bit too.

I didn't ask her like that! There was other stuff going on, and I'd bumped into her in the crew room where she was really upset. I just asked if everything was okay and if she needed any help. Didn't mention her weight at all, it was just part of a bigger change.

I have had to be taken aside by my manager and asked about weight loss in the past. I think it was actually a harder conversation for him to have than it was for me. He then worked with occupational health to try and support me.

I would say something because I would be concerned and would want to see what I could do to help you, not because I was judging you.

Losing a lot of weight quickly could be intentional, but it could also be because of significant physical or mental health illnesses. I would be concerned that the type and quantity of work you were assigned was reasonable and not causing you undue stress, and as a manager I’d want to know (not in detail) what was wrong so I could support you, direct you to appropriate healthcare, and protect you from potential upcoming issues (e.g. if I knew you were already overloaded I’d look for someone else to pick up a new assignment).

In your shoes I’d talk to my manager first. Explain you are feeling under a lot of pressure and and why, and then ask for support.

I manage a large team and as a rule I absolutely do not comment on anyone's weight. However if I thought one of my team was struggling with their mental health I would certainly address that with them. My aim would be to be kind and compassionate and to understand what I could do to support them through a difficult time. I might encourage a GP trip, possibly offer to relieve them of some tasks for a period to reduce stress, maybe suggest they take a short vacation if they feel it would help them. I try really hard not to push - even when I am very concerned for a team member's health. If I thought you were very much harming yourself I might involve HR to help me have some more discussions with you about getting your health back on track.

I absolutely would do all this in confidence and I totally wouldn't fire you. In my last year I've had one team member with cancer, one struggling with aggoraphobia, one who is finally managing to get her anxiety under control, 2 ladies with menopause issues and a guy who struggles to pee! It's normal for people to have issues and to need additional support at work. You are not alone and if you don't know about others issues that means your manager is good at keeping his or her mouth shut and maintaining confidentiality!

You do need to get this under control though. Try speaking to your GP, your boss and stopping working over your lunchbreak. Maybe some talking therapy might help?

This does sound like an eating disorder though OP. The beginnings of one anyway

I will also add that it does sound like you would meet the diagnostic criteria for having an eating disorder. I know it might not be what you want to hear but eating disorders are not always about wanting to lose weight or chasing a number on a scale, it can also be about how you try to control your environment via the food that you eat.

I think a manager would be reasonable to have a general chat with you to see if there is anything going on with your general wellbeing.

I would let them know you have an issue.

You need to have a conversation about workload and expectations, to reduce the stress you are feeling and then doing things like eating lunch every day will follow.

Not taking lunch break is not a good way to manage stress. Not eating is not good.
Go speak to your gp
Access any work based counselling or advuce line
They wont sack you for losing weighg but might express concern about your well being, rightly so, and ask what they can to help?
Do you need more assistance?
.

It sounds very much like you need some support from your manager. It’s not right that you’re missing breaks and feeling too overwhelmed to feed yourself after work. Something needs to change, your manager is the person who can help with that, and they won’t know unless you talk to them. If they do comment, please don’t try and cover up what’s going on or go on the defensive. Tell them how you feel and ask for help.

@Megifer

Sure, I take your points.

But I still say, that of course, managers can, and should, appropriately comment on physical issues of concern.

Of course they 'can'. Anyone telling you someone, regardless of position or whatever, is talking nonsense. Whether they 'should' is another matter, but as weight isn't a protected characteristic like sex or religion, personally I think in this case your manager should.

You are not coping at work and it has manifested at you dropping a significant amount of weight in a short period of time.

Quite honestly, they should have mentioned you working over every lunch break before now.

Your managers have a duty of care towards you - if they don't comment directly on your eight but notice that you often work through lunch they should be supporting you

Agreed ☺️

" When you’re not an unhealthy weight it’s quite odd thing to have your mind"

Not really. I weighed myself in the pharmacy a couple of days ago and my BMI was on the label.

Does your employer have a wellbeing policy? Where I work we have access to an employee assistance plan, if your company has that I'd strongly suggest using it.

Of course they can, if it is in the context of worrying about your health and wanting to see if you need support. Same as if someone was showing signs of burnout or depression for ex.