Is a manager allowed to comment on weight?

[Dystopia5]

really hope someone can help.

ive been struggling at work recently. On paper everyone thinks I’m doing really well, but I feel like I’m losing more and more confidence and I’m becoming worse and worse at my job. I won’t bore you all with the ins and outs of it but that’s it summed up

I do not have an eating disorder but I’ve accidentally lost a lot of weight recently- I didn’t mean to and I do love food but when I’m stressed I just can’t seem to eat. Like last night I got home from work and it just seemed so much effort to go into the kitchen and make food, I don’t know why because it’s not any effort at all but i just didn’t feel like it so I went straight to bed instead. I hadn’t eaten lunch because I was doing extra work. That’s the sort of bad habit I’ve got into and the problem is it keeps happening when I’m stressed. When I do try to eat when I’m stressed it tastes like cardboard and I can’t really swallow it it’s just horrible, it’s like stress is controlling me

my weight has dropped and my bmi is around 16-17 now whereas it was 21 3 months ago (normal for me). I’ve been wearing baggy clothes as much as I can but with out uniform it’s still obvious I’ve lost a lot of weight as a few colleagues have said it and I’ve just quickly changed the subject because I obviously didn’t want to talk about it

But now since people have noticed, im terrified someone in charge at work is going to comment on my weight- mainly because if they do I’ll probably burst into tears about the whole thing. My managers have noticed things like me working over lunch and we have our annual meetings next month to discuss how we have been doing and I’m so worried they’re going to notice I’ve been working over my lunch and I’ve lost weight. But they won’t do that will they? It’s personal life so they can’t comment on it or say anything about it can they? I’m just terrified I lose my job or I get demoted or something, or I’m scared they ask and I burst into tears or become an upset mess about it. But im guessing and hoping they won’t be able to say anything about it at all?

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of being stressed and losing weight but also not wanting to lose weight but not feeling like eating much either, and now I’m terrified I’ll lose my career for it or get into trouble for it at work.

They cannot comment on your weight but they do have a duty of care towards you and can and should offer you support if they feel your mental health is suffering.

They can't sack you for having poor mental health, but they do need to talk to you to ensure your work is not adding undue strain.

I struggle with mental health sometimes and I've found I am usually offered 1 to 1 sessions to discuss any issues I might be having and I'm pointed towards any extra help the company might be able to offer eg counseling via the company's health insurance plan or through the designated mental health support worker.

If stress at work is adding to your issues please be honest. 99.99% of people are understanding and want to help. They might offer you longer lunch breaks, a lower workload or even just time out each week for a 1 to 1 with your manager for a chat.

You do need help and they would fail as manager if they didn't speak to you about the what are the issues at work causing you working over lunch and being obviously stressed.

I find the fact you concentrate on the weight part so much concerning so make sure GP or your EAP chat is a priority.

No, they shouldn't really mention it

This and other similar posts, are nonsense.

Of course a manager can't make personal comments with no reason or context.

A good manager should already be alert to OP's stress, that she's working through lunch, and seems physically in poor shape.

I manage a team, I know their workloads and I would notice someone working more hours than they should on a regular basis.

It needs to be approached sensitively but honestly OP, the best thing that could happen now is for you to burst into tears, and disclose your stress. They have a duty of care to you. They should then be coming up with a way to help.

Regarding eating, I'm like this too in times of stress so I get it. But this is really serious if you've lost significant weight. Please see your GP.

Your manager should absolutely be speaking to you.
If one of my team was working through lunch every day and visibly losing weight I would be speaking with them to check on their wellbeing and find out what I and the company needed to do to support them.

My first thought would not be to fire them over any physical attributes, and it is worrying to me that this seems to be your focus.

You health is more important than anything and you need to find a way to stop the cycle you've gotten into. Go speak to your manager, they have a duty of care. Go speak to your GP. Get some support.

You will be better at your job if you are well fueled for the day!

I've been there. Exactly the same - like there's a mental block about eating. Finding it physically difficult to swallow food. I also lost a significant amount of weight. The only thing I could do was make myself eat. Actually schedule food times, sit down and slowly get the food in. It was bloody hard at first - both physically and emotionally - but it does get easier after a while. Eating disorders are not always about losing weight - for example, my son is demand avoidant. When he is stressed, he can't cope with any kids of demands - even the ones made by his own body. He finds it very difficult to eat when he is stressed (even when that stress is caused by being hungry!).

They cannot comment on your weight

Well actually of course they can. Any good manager will talk to you about physical symptoms of stress and patterns of over work eg not taking a lunch break.

There is a big difference between firing you because of your weight (I'm not sure why you think this is a risk?) and talking to you about anxiety and stress.

A good manager won't comment on your weight at all, but they will identify that you're under significant stress and check in with you in a supportive way.

Stress hugely affects my diet, I'll either be able to stomach nothing or eat rubbish so I'll either gain or lose. But if you've dropped a lot and it's due to feeling this huge pressure then I'd try to get in front of it. I'd ask for a meeting with your manager and say you don't feel like you are coping with your workload and the stress is starting to affect your health and wellbeing. You don't need to go into details. It sounds like you are holding yourself to an incredibly (and unsustainably) high standard. Your managers would be coming to you with concerns about your work if they thought you weren't doing well and you say yourself that on paper you're doing great. So the thing to figure out with your manager is if your worries are unfounded, if you're aiming for a perfectionist standard that noone else is expecting and help setting boundaries to support you in managing your expectations of yourself and how you juggle your workload. Your health is your wealth as they say, there is no job worth making yourself sick over. I used to work endless hours to try and finish a job that in truth was just never going to be done, I absolutely burnt myself out in the process and its sounding like that's where you're headed if you aren't there already really. The thing that helped me was thinking 'did I try my best' at the end of the day. And if I did then that was my line to say that I did enough and what will be will be.

If you were in my team I would mention it - out of concern. Cleary there is an issue and really you should be speaking to your manager not worrying that that they will speak to you. You don't accidently lose that much weight, I work through my lunches regularly and still eat plenty. Kindly, you do have a problem, and you need to address it. You should also speak to your GP.

I'd suggest you read someones full post before declaring it nonsense based on one partial sentence.

They have a duty of care so they may ask if you’re ok but it won’t get you in trouble or make you lose your career. This happened to me and my manager took me aside and I did get upset as it was a bit of a breaking point but actually in the long run it was better as I was helped with what I was finding stressful and pushed to take an actual lunch break and I developed better self care habits.

It might be worth a trip to your GP anyway. Life is stressful at times and you can’t fall into not eating when that happens.

Feeling overwhelmed at small things like making food and tidying up and not eating and taking care of yourself can be signs of depression. You might need some help with that. And a GP will check there’s nothing physical going on too.

OP please please go to the doctor. You're dealing with a mountain of issues and whether your manager will comment on weight loss is a tiny one. Please make an appointment and tell them everything.

Op if your manager is a decent human being they should talk to you about it but I wouldn’t worry that it would be that for anything that would put your work in jeopardy. My manager once called me aside and said I didn’t look well lately a as md looked like I’d lost a bit of weight. I was on a diet at the time because of stomach issues. She said I looked pale and tired and could she help. She said I needed to be eating more because in retail you need your energy and you’ll collapse otherwise. She was looking at it from a work perspective but did say she’d dieted before and it wasn’t worth collapsing over

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling so stressed and anxious about everything. Is there someone (both at work, and outside of work like your GP) you would feel comfortable talking to about this? It sounds like getting some help would be a good idea.

Re work 'commenting' on your weight in terms of you being in trouble - I think, unless you work somewhere absolutely horrible, any comment would be for the 'opposite' reasons, in terms of out of concern for you, but obviously should be discrete and sensitively handled. I say this because, as it happens, I saw a colleague yesterday who I had not seen for quite a while (he hadn't been coming in to the office) and I was genuinely very concerned to see how thin he was as he's clearly not actually ok (we're talking very obviously something is not right level of thinness, and he actually said he had been having some issues with food). I debated internally for a while about whether it would be appropriate for me to ask someone (ie his line manager) if someone was talking to him and offering him some help. I did in the end, and they were (as obviously it hasn't gone unnoticed by others). I don't know if this will help you at all OP, and I really hope that me raising this with his manager very privately wasn't out of turn, but it was raised entirely out of concern for his wellbeing and if work is offering him some support, which they absolutely are, so I would hope if there is a problem, if anyone at your work raises it with you, it would only be for the same reasons, and nothing else.

A good manager will check on your well-being. From what you've said this could be a positive step if it helps you to stop working excessively.

Physically, the less you eat, the less energy you have. Combined with your stress and anxiety, I suspect you've ended up stuck in a cycle. and I think you need help to move forward.

Your GP would be a good place to start.

OP, your weight is not their business to worry about or comment on, but your stress is.

What is the root of your stress? Is there too much work? Do you feel insecure because you feel you haven’t got the skills or experience to do your job as well as you would like? Does something in the work environment make you feel pressured? Do you need reassurance that you are doing OK?

Or is this all self generated because you are a perfectionist or have no belief in your ability to do a competent job?

If I was your manager I would certainly worry if you were driving yourself to work through lunch every day.. not because of your weight but because I would have a duty of care to ensure the job wasn’t causing unnecessary stress or pressure.

You do seem to be seriously underweight from what you have said. And if it is commented on then it probably is a matter of your health and well being that is a concern. I think you should go and see your GP. Make yourself a chart breakfast dinner evening meal. Eat something each mealtime and tick it off.

You could try something like a mass gainer shake which takes 30 seconds to prepare and will add 600-800 calories. But ideally you should try and address the root cause of the stress (obviously easier said than done).

Question for the managers out there - would you approach an employee and ask about their well being if it was the reverse? I mean rapid weight gain. I'm the opposite to OP and eat to keep down anxiety. I've gone through bad patches of very rapid and significant weight gain. I feel its met with disgust and criticism but never concern, although the root cause is much the same as OP. I'm just thinking reading this that it's a real double standard 🤔

They will comment if they are worried and genuinely care about you

They shouldn't really mention it but they might to open up a conversation with you

They'll probably just ask if you're ok though

I would if there were the accompanying signs as described by the OP, ie working through lunch, working late, generally being frazzled.

I wouldn't just approach based on weight loss or weight gain.

I agree with a lot of PPs that you’ve got yourself in a bit of a state, especially seeing as in your own words your work is completely fine. I actually think a one-on-one with a manager could be a good thing because they could say quite clearly that they’ve got no concerns with your work and you need to look after yourself.

further, don’t forget that you’re also too exhausted to cook because you’re shattered and you’re having to work so hard to convert your body into calories rather than taking energy from food. Your anxiety at work may be related to having to fight through your exhaustion to get the work done, and spending more effort on concentrating.

You need to start taking care of yourself.

I Would ask but out of a duty of care and because I’ve been there.

My focus would not be on your weight but on your stress levels and how we can help.

As someone who has been there, be careful with yourself. You may believe that you do not have an eating disorder but you do sound like you have disordered eating.

I hope they do for your sake. It sounds like the job is running your life and it shouldn't be like that. You can't go in like you are and need help, either from work or your GP. Preferably both.

I use meal replacement shakes when I'm struggling with no appetite due to long covid - not slimfast but something like yFood or Huel - tesco sell both.

Not a manager, but when a close colleague gained a lot of weight I did ask her if everything was okay! No judgement on my part but because I was genuinely worried about her.