Is a manager allowed to comment on weight?

[Dystopia5]

really hope someone can help.

ive been struggling at work recently. On paper everyone thinks I’m doing really well, but I feel like I’m losing more and more confidence and I’m becoming worse and worse at my job. I won’t bore you all with the ins and outs of it but that’s it summed up

I do not have an eating disorder but I’ve accidentally lost a lot of weight recently- I didn’t mean to and I do love food but when I’m stressed I just can’t seem to eat. Like last night I got home from work and it just seemed so much effort to go into the kitchen and make food, I don’t know why because it’s not any effort at all but i just didn’t feel like it so I went straight to bed instead. I hadn’t eaten lunch because I was doing extra work. That’s the sort of bad habit I’ve got into and the problem is it keeps happening when I’m stressed. When I do try to eat when I’m stressed it tastes like cardboard and I can’t really swallow it it’s just horrible, it’s like stress is controlling me

my weight has dropped and my bmi is around 16-17 now whereas it was 21 3 months ago (normal for me). I’ve been wearing baggy clothes as much as I can but with out uniform it’s still obvious I’ve lost a lot of weight as a few colleagues have said it and I’ve just quickly changed the subject because I obviously didn’t want to talk about it

But now since people have noticed, im terrified someone in charge at work is going to comment on my weight- mainly because if they do I’ll probably burst into tears about the whole thing. My managers have noticed things like me working over lunch and we have our annual meetings next month to discuss how we have been doing and I’m so worried they’re going to notice I’ve been working over my lunch and I’ve lost weight. But they won’t do that will they? It’s personal life so they can’t comment on it or say anything about it can they? I’m just terrified I lose my job or I get demoted or something, or I’m scared they ask and I burst into tears or become an upset mess about it. But im guessing and hoping they won’t be able to say anything about it at all?

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of being stressed and losing weight but also not wanting to lose weight but not feeling like eating much either, and now I’m terrified I’ll lose my career for it or get into trouble for it at work.

I'd suggest you read someones full post before declaring it nonsense based on one partial sentence.

@Megifer

I suggest you understand the purpose of selecting the point that a poster wants to comment on - I was commenting specifically on the line I quoted, and other posts saying the same thing, not the totality of everything that was said.

It is nonsense to say a responsible manager cannot appropriately discuss concerns they may have with an employee's physical wellbeing.

You went onto say if a manager did this, it would be coming from a good place. Indeed - but it's more than that. Managers have a duty of care to their employees and so it's not just coming from a 'good place', it's part of responsible management, and as such, not only should they raise it (appropriately), they have a duty to.

Of course they can't comment on your weight, as such.
However, if I was your manager, I'd be wanting to check in with you, for Duty of Care purposes. If I noticed you not taking breaks/eating, for example. I would be concerned that you either have an unmanageable workload, or else, you are struggling personally. I would want to gently, and sympathetically, explore your wellbeing with you. Yes, your weight loss is an outcome of the situation, but I would be wanting to check on your overall wellbeing. I would be concerned about you, and want to support you in the best way possible.
I hope that you have a good manager, who will be supportive.

You sound like you’re about to the hit the wall and have a total breakdown. I felt really worried for you reading that post and I honestly think you need to not worry about losing your job and start prioritising your mental and physical health. Go to the GP and get signed off for a couple of weeks and approach work HR about what’s going on. People will absolutely help you x

ive been struggling at work recently. On paper everyone thinks I’m doing really well, but I feel like I’m losing more and more confidence and I’m becoming worse and worse at my job

I’m just terrified I lose my job or I get demoted or something,

when I’m stressed it tastes like cardboard and I can’t really swallow it it’s just horrible, it’s like stress is controlling me

OP this isn't a normal reaction and you're in a downward spiral. These are the things that occur to me:

EITHER you're a perfectionist and see mistakes where there are none. So you put yourself under enormous pressure to achieve the impossible.

OR your self confidence is so low that everything seems like a threat which means you're in permanent fight or flight mode.

OR both.

Whichever, you need help. This is no way to live your life, under such full time stress. You're killing yourself, both with the stress itself and the not eating. Therapy would be good, but so too would be a visit to the Dr, both to be signed off for a while and to get something to help you in the short term while you work on longer term healing.

Of course they can, if they are concerned that there’s something the OP might need support with.

Managers have a duty of care as to their staff members well=being, so noticing you might seem stressed or unwell, is part of their remit. I'd seek some support externally.

You really didn't read my post. I referenced their duty of care at the end.

A manager shouldn't directly comment on weight. Which is why I made the point that sometimes they can be a bit too keen to demonstrate their duty of care and word concerns clumsily e.g. "you've lost weight are you OK?" Vs "is everything ok with you, I've noticed you're working through lunch/not your usual self" or other more appropriate way of opening up conversation.

Note that I actually said if my manager commented on my weight, I know it (the direct reference to my weight) would be coming from a good place.

We're saying the same thing. I just answered ops question which was "can my manager comment on my weight". The answer is no, they shouldn't.

Having suffered from anorexia in the past, I would say that prioritising eating will definitely help your stress and anxiety and your ability to cope with stressful situations. It was only after regaining weight that I found mental clarity and wouldn't stress out about things as much.

When gaining weight I found it difficult to sit down to large meals so I found 5-6 mini meals spread throughout the day much easier and eating more cold foods / snack foods easier as I wouldn't worry about the mess to clean up after especially if I hadn't eaten much of my meal.

Things I found good were oatcakes and cheese, fruit and full fat yogurt, hummus with veggie sticks and crackers or toast and peanut butter. All these things are good if you work in an office as you can bring them in a lunchbox and eat them over the course of a day whilst sitting at your desk and all minimal washing up / preparation required.

For dinners when I just can't be bothered but know I need to eat, I find omelettes really easy, all cooked in one pan, add whatever vegetables you have lying around. Also those microwave bags of rice and veg plus breaded chicken, fish fingers, etc - all very quick and easy after a long day at work. Not the best nutritionally but I now know it's better to eat something not so nutritious than not to eat at all.

Your manager may mention your weight loss but I would hope they would mention it to you discreetly and asking from a wellbeing perspective. I know it's scary to have someone comment on your weight, but by being honest about how stress in work is making you ill, it may open up a discussion about how management need to address stress in the workplace. Good luck!

Didn't want to just read and run. Sending you a hug. No job is worth sacrificing your health for, please read that again, from someone who did and now I have a life-long auto-immune condition because I didn't listen to my body! Not trying to scare you, but please please put yourself first. Hugs and hand hold xxx

They shouldn't but they might. I lost a lot of weight last year afte weight loss surgery. I told a few people including my manager, she is the HR mgr so she has literally never mentioned it since, She knows better, but the managing director commented on it several times. Asking me what my secret was etc. It was very uncomfortable.

I don't know about the manager situation but in terms of eating - although not the healthiest of options could you get some ready meals in that you can heat up in minutes to kick start your eating? Some times the longer you go the less hungry you can become but once you restart you can get back into healthier habits.

It’s personal life so they can’t comment on it or say anything about it can they?

Sorry, and gently - but I certainly would and yes they can - because it is clearly impacting on you at work, and because as a manager I would be very concerned about a member of staff in the circumstances that you describe. These symptoms could cover a host of problems and health issues, and I would not want someone to struggle on without seeing what we might be able to do (or need to do) to help and support them.

I'm exactly the same as you, in that I cannot eat when I'm stressed. It feels like so much effort and then I barely manage a few bites, if that because it feels like a lump of clay in my mouth. I've even spat food out because having it in my mouth makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. So I completely understand where you're coming from.

Being that chronically deprived of food isn't good for your concentration or energy levels. You'll be getting vitamin deficiencies too, which can make life feel incredibly overwhelming.

From your post, it sounds like you're desperate to hide the fact that you're struggling. But you need to say something. Whether it's to your GP to tell them that you're overwhelmed and might need a bit of time off and support or to your manager to explain that you're making yourself ill over your workload, you must reach out. You don't have more weight to lose and it isn't long before you collapse or end up in hospital. It's absolutely not worth sacrificing your health over a job.

I've ended up in hospital myself because of similar. Please don't get to that point because it's very frightening.

Managers have a duty of care, if they notice you are struggling to the point it's affecting your health they SHOULD be talking to you, not in a bad way but from the point of view that they need to help you work through any problems you might have.

OP, getting this stressed over work is not healthy. Please, and I'm speaking from experience here, get help. Talk to your GP but talk to your work as well. Unless it really is the most toxic of workplaces - in which case, you need to leave - people will want to help you.

If your manager notices you are not eating lunch or taking a lunch break then they most certainly should raise that with you.

If they have also noticed that you have lost a lot of weight and are not appearing to be eating lunch then its very possible they might raise concerns about your health with you.

Its a really hard conversation to have with an employee but you sound really vulnerable and fragile and they have a duty of care to raise these issues with you.

It sounds like you really need some help and support. Not taking breaks, not eating lunch and being this concerned about your appearance and weight is very concerning and you really should discuss this with your GP

While you're feeling more positive, can you either do an online shop with lots of no cook buffet type snacks? Quiche / ready made salads / cottage cheese / coleslaw / olives / cooked meats / sliced cheese etc. Then you open packets, eat food, plate in dishwasher and done.

Or write a list of 10-14 easy meals like your fried eggs on toast and plan a couple of weeks so the mental effort is done?

Well, they can't necessarily comment directly on your weight, but as your manager, they can certainly discuss your health and wellbeing. So I wouldn't expect them to say 'You've lost a lot of weight' but I would expect them to say 'I've noticed that you don't seem like your usual self at the moment - you've been working through your lunch and you seem really worried and stressed. I just wanted to ask if you're OK, and if there's anything we can do to support you' .

I have known people to be asked about their weight (usually underweight) at work from a health and well-being perspective.

One woman worked in a gym, so the gym was worried about her but also needed to promote a healthy lifestyle.
The other woman worked in retail and again it was to make sure she was OK.

Both of these women were anorexic and subsequently got help

I get that you probably mean well, but if a colleague asked me if I was OK because I'd gained weight, I'd avoid them for the rest of my career.

Of course not.
I would never comment on a colleague's weight.

A caring manager would ask you into their office and enquire if everything is OK, as you don't seem your usual self. No need to mention your weight loss. Thus would be the ideal time to talk to them about your struggles.
any decent manager would try and help or at least signpost you to the right place for help

Absolutely they can. If you were a normal BMI and you are losing weight to the extent that your BMI has noticeably dropped to 17 and / or you are presenting as stressed I would expect them to have a well-being conversation with you. They have a duty of care to support your well-being and talk with you about any concerns. A good employer will have a conversation with you about it.

What you describe are potentially symptoms of depression and/or an eating disorder. Go to your GP and contact your local talking therapies service. They can help.

Not so much a comment on weight but a concern for your well-being. If your work is causing you stress and causing you to lose weight unhealthily then they do have a duty to consider that and whether they can reasonably reduce the stress of your job (within the confines of what is reasonable to expect someone with your qualifications and experience to achieve within working hours).

If I were your manager and I noticed you had rapidly lost weight, were stressed and your work performance had dropped, I would absolutely speak to you. Managers have a duty of care to staff, part of which is to note if someone appears unwell or not coping.
I wouldn't comment on your weight specifically no. But I would be talking to you about the things I'd observed at work that were concerning which would include asking you if you were having issues with your health. My intention wouldn't be to upset you or to pry into your personal life, but to identify if there was any support you needed. If your manager is supportive and they speak to you, it may turn out to be for the best. You're not living in a way that's good for you, and if work is the key issue, them you need to address it before you become really unwell.

How do you know what your bmi is? When you’re not an unhealthy weight it’s quite odd thing to have your mind on especially when you’re busy with work. I get that you may check on occasion what your weight is if you’re worried but unless you’re passing out then checking your bmi seems a bit off. Have you ever had disordered eating in your past because sometimes it comes on without you knowing.