partner won't commit due to finances

[artattack1]

We've been together a few years, I brought up marriage and children a year ago and received a not ready yet. I waited another year and I brought it up because I've just been getting frustrated at nothing. We've lived together a few years (renting), I'm approaching mid 30s and running out of time.
Partner has zero debt and a good amount of savings, which is great. He works in a min wage job ATM and isn't sure what to do. His degree is in a creative area which is hard to make into a full-time career.
He said this week that he found the prospect of marriage and the expectations of it daunting but that he does want to marry me. I said I'd be more than happy with a registry office, I have zero interest in a big wedding day, I've made this very clear.
I don't see how his current job means we can't get engaged, I have no interest in an expensive ring etc. I want marriage for what it represents.
He said he wants to be sure he can provide for a child which is totally understandable. We both work full time and I have a very good maternity leave package, flexible working etc.
I said to him I'm not prepared to hang around for years longer waiting, I made my fertility issue very clear.
He does seem to understand that and said I won't be waiting years.
I asked him for complete honesty. I gave him very ample opportunity to say, sorry, not for me, I don't want these things yet. He insisted he wants marriage and children with me.
I totally understand he wants to be earning above min wage. There are many jobs out there which may not be his dream career, but they'll pay a bit more and are stable. However he lacks motivation to do the applications. I'm scared we will be in this position a year from now and I said this to him. He kept saying he doesn't know what to say. I just don't know what to do.

He's telling you what needs to change for him to be ready, and he's making no effort at all to bring any of those changes about.

How long have you guys been having this conversation? I think the time has come to decide for yourself that he either steps up in the next x months, or you have to move on.

You don't need to set to to him as an ultimatum, you can just get to the point where you tell him he's had every opportunity to create the circumstances he says are essential, and enough is enough.

Sounds like there are plenty of success stories on this thread for this course of action and I wish you every happiness for the future.

You’re right about the ultimatums, but sending him wedding dates and job applications is along the same lines; it’s telling him that he has to change his mind now. If he agrees, how will you know it’s because he wanted to be your husband, rather than because he’s just bumbled along with what you want? And in 2 years time, when he still doesn’t want to have a child and accuses you of pressuring him into a life he didn’t want, he’ll be running off with a 25 year old who’ll be pregnant within three months and you’ll be starting from scratch with years of fertility wasted.

If he wanted to, he would. It really is as simple as that. I know it’s heartbreaking because you love him and he keeps giving you these crumbs which are just enough to keep you hopeful about having a future with him, but he isn’t marrying you or giving you a timescale for children or doing anything about his career because he doesn’t want to. There’s nothing you can do to change that.

Tell him that you love him very much and that you wanted a future with him, but that children are a deal breaker for you, so it’s best you go your separate ways before you waste any more time. You’re gambling with years of fertility that you don’t have to spare.

Your 33 and have a job with good pay and good maternity leave. Meanwhile your boyfriend of 30 has had the same min wage job since you met him.
Your currently renting a place. He knows that you want to get married have a family.

At this stage I tell him that you have decided to end things with him as he won't get a better job, he won't propose or marry you and that at 33 you can't wait for him to grow up because you want a family. You told him what you wanted a year ago and has done nothing in the past 12 months to improve his current job and pay.
If he was serious about you and your long term future he would have pushed his current employer for a promotion or have gotten a better job in the past 12 months.

I know it won't be easy to end things with him but I would not waste my fertility on a man who knows you want a family but it not willing to make any effort for you.
I know one lady who is now in her mid 50's, single and childless because she stayed for years with a man who never wanted marriage and kid's. She gave up a job and moved abroad with him at one stage where she was jobless & had no money of her own. Eventually they broke up when she realised that he was never going to marry her.

I know 2 woman who told boyfriends it was over because they were in their early 30's and wanted marriage and kid's. The boyfriends meanwhile knew this but we're making no effort to move thing along and were giving excuses. Both woman went on to met adult men who wanted the same as them.

Agree with other posts, there is waiting for the right time, and making things more suitable and comfortable/stable. I for one wish I had done this before having my DC.
And then there is not wanting to do things.

I know of a couple whom I expect like others went through hard times during Covid lockdown etc, on top of any other issues, and the gf put a bit of pressure on and the bf proposed, I can't see that guy ever marrying her either.
He finds women who are single parents who already have housing/benefits, even though he works full time, got a stable set up.
Just went ahead a couple of years later and had a baby with her lol, which sorry to say it means very little to some men.

Don't waste the years you have, because men won't always tell you directly and even if they do, we still hang on and they see that we will, and still nothing will change. And they know you are still there.
And the set up suits them, they will carry on and not walk, which is the right thing for them to do, if they know you want something and they don't.

There is a massive labour shortage at the moment. It’s so hard to get good people. If he is a graduate aged 30 what on Earth is he doing earning minimum wage? Should have been on more as soon as he left uni. It does imply he has absolutely no interest in improving his lot. Beware.

You are wasting your time.

Stop chasing him down.

He is happy with his life as it is, which is fair enough, but he is lying to you.

Move on.

If a woman gets to 30 without having children, she only has a 50% chance of ever becoming a mother. This is generally because of the lack of a willing or suitable partner before fertility begins to decline.

You still have a chance, but it is shrinking and you have to act decisively one way or the other now! Don’t waste any more time.

An ultimatum sounds like a terrible start to a marriage! 😬