partner won't commit due to finances

[artattack1]

We've been together a few years, I brought up marriage and children a year ago and received a not ready yet. I waited another year and I brought it up because I've just been getting frustrated at nothing. We've lived together a few years (renting), I'm approaching mid 30s and running out of time.
Partner has zero debt and a good amount of savings, which is great. He works in a min wage job ATM and isn't sure what to do. His degree is in a creative area which is hard to make into a full-time career.
He said this week that he found the prospect of marriage and the expectations of it daunting but that he does want to marry me. I said I'd be more than happy with a registry office, I have zero interest in a big wedding day, I've made this very clear.
I don't see how his current job means we can't get engaged, I have no interest in an expensive ring etc. I want marriage for what it represents.
He said he wants to be sure he can provide for a child which is totally understandable. We both work full time and I have a very good maternity leave package, flexible working etc.
I said to him I'm not prepared to hang around for years longer waiting, I made my fertility issue very clear.
He does seem to understand that and said I won't be waiting years.
I asked him for complete honesty. I gave him very ample opportunity to say, sorry, not for me, I don't want these things yet. He insisted he wants marriage and children with me.
I totally understand he wants to be earning above min wage. There are many jobs out there which may not be his dream career, but they'll pay a bit more and are stable. However he lacks motivation to do the applications. I'm scared we will be in this position a year from now and I said this to him. He kept saying he doesn't know what to say. I just don't know what to do.

30 isn’t too young for marriage and kids. Most of the young men I know now are married by 25-28 and having kids by 30. This isn’t an age thing. There are no excuses for him stringing you along. As I and others have said if you don’t want to ruin your chances of having a baby get out now.

I don't think you are listening.

Everyone is saying he is stringing you along so you should get out now to give yourself the chance of meeting someone else but you seem to be waiting for the one poster who will tell you it will be alright.

I believe him and it sounds sensible.

What is he doing to sort his life out? What is his plan, does it have a timescale? Has he made progress with it?

Does that fit with your needs?

A lot of men at 30 are not ready so I don't think that's necessarily a massive issue. Having said that, in my experience, even younger men know if this is the person they're going to likely DO these things with in due course ,and he sounds wishy washy.

He says he wants to get his work situation sorted out -is he making any effort to do that? Because that for me is the bigger red flag. Children, marriage are all irrelevant if he's the kind of man who is constantly complaining that work is shit but doing NOTHING about it. Right now, while his earnings are already low but your outgoings are also low and there's no real responsibilities is the time to be figuring out what todo next. To retrain or try a new job or whatever.

Also, as someone with a DH who trained in the creative world and who did work in that world for a long time, yes, it's true that it can be hard to transition to something more "traditional". But there are LOTs of things that creative people can do or adapt to, albeit not necessarily massively well paid. It's an excuse if he can't find anything. DH is a trained musician and singer, has worked in theatre then did various sales/offices roles, which he hated, then slowly built up a small SE gigging business and also retrained as a personal trainer. Money isn't great, but he's generally happy and he has time to do the bulk of childcare.

So why isn't he filling out applications? Or getting a sidehustle? Or starting his own business with his creative skills?

What is he expecting to happen? A knock on the door with a big bag of cash/promotion/job offer? If he wants these things, he needs to go and find them. It doesn't sound like he will, so you need to think carefully about what you want. If he is in his mid-thirties and still making no effort to attain the things he wants in life, he will always have an excuse about wanting x,y,z before he has children.

But he isn’t sorting his life out and applying for better paid jobs!

This is surely crucial? Otherwise you are legally and financially tying yourself to a man who won’t, as he admits, be able to support children. Support you on maternity leave. Support a mortgage to give secure housing to children.

While you continue struggling to earn enough to cover everyone.

Stop listening to what he says and look at what he does.

If he truly wanted to be in a better job before getting married and having children then he would be putting his all into making that happen.

You do know what to do, you just don't want to do it. He's already given you your answer.

And that answer will NEVER change:

Among men aged 15–49 in 2015–2019, 55.2% had not fathered a biological child, and so this might realistically be the only chance that he gets to be a father.
55.2% do not get the chance as they mis-time their partners biologically fertile window or bail out when the woman wants a baby thinking that their will be endless chances further down the line, or they don't want children.
The lack of a 'deadline' for men means that they can miss out on what is an experience that is hugely benificial to men and it sound like your partner has this attitude.
I think that you need to make things move on or bale out as he will just coast along.

Maybe show him this graph?

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.medichecks.com%2Fblogs%2Ffertility%2Fage-and-fertility&psig=AOvVaw2qd7bbCyWnk_Q692UKpD8a&ust=1699610356020000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CBIQjRxqFwoTCKiGlJXUtoIDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE

Yeah sorry OP agree with others, even if he turns around now and says OK we'll get married at registry office etc. do you think he really wants it? Do you think he'd be the type after you then have a child to then leave anyway with the age old trope of "well you pressured me into marriage and kids I didn't want it etc etc."

"He's had the job issues since I've been with him. I do understand, but there are many jobs out there which are salaried, full time etc"

And that right there is your answer, he is saying what you want to hear, but words mean nothing without action. If you want something you will find a way, if you don't you will make excuses. The job is his excuse. He is wasting your fertile years whilst he doesn't have a clock on his fertility.

If he wanted to marry you he would be online with you booking that registry office time slot. He isn't going to commit. I wonder what would happen tonight if you said let's book it now. That will tell you whether he is in or out.

He doesn't want what you want.

Get out now while you still have time to meet and have children with someone else.

That video is hilarious! Brilliant!

I’m not sure the OP will enjoy it as much as I did though…

Don't know who these guys are in terms of region, education, class etc but I'm 34, got married at 30, baby this year. Husband is 3 years older than me. Most of my friends aren't married yet and don't have children yet, while my husband is right in the middle of his friendship group (some got married 3- 5 years before us, some a couple of years after us, a couple have kids now). Most from middle class backgrounds, often postgraduate degrees. People expect a certain lifestyle before having children, and especially to own a house usually in the south east or affluent cities, and everything gets pushed later and later. I'm not saying this is a good thing or sensible! But almost everyone I know has had a similar path

He can say anything he likes. But his actions don't seem to match, and it's his actions which show his true feelings.

Absolutely spot on.

Don't waste your life on this guy. He's lying to you.

He could sort his life out today but instead is keeping you dangling.

He's wasting your time.

Be prepared that when you split he will meet someone almost immediately and get married and have children very quickly. That's the usual turn of events.

This was us! He just would not commit. We met at uni. I waited nearly 10 years for a baby. We travelled/finished uni. Then 9th year I was ready to walk. I asked him for a baby one more time and he said yes.
Now we have 3 beautiful kids and moved to Europe! He's a wonderful guy, amazing father I'm pleased we aren't married now as we have our own finances and property (cheap here)
We have been through hell and back. It was all worth it!

If he wanted to marry you, he would. My now DH and I knew within weeks of meeting that we would get married, despite living in different countries, having to navigate blended families, neither job ideally suiting long distance...

He's stringing you along.

It’s not as simple as that. What if one or both are divorcees? Or have children to consider? Assets?

Well that’s completely different to OP’s situation so it isn’t relevant at all.

I imagine the poster you are quoting was making her comment specifically in relation to the relationship and lifestyle circumstances that the OP and her boyfriend are in.

They don't have children.

Wanting children is the reason the OP hasn't got time to waste waiting for him to get his shit together.

Being mid 30s you cannot keep waiting for him to be ready. He has other needs (establishing himself) whereas you have marriage and children and have less time left so it's not going to work out

What practical steps is he taking to better his work situation? If he’s just talking but doing nothing then I would expect he’ll be giving you the same excuse in 6 months.