partner won't commit due to finances

[artattack1]

We've been together a few years, I brought up marriage and children a year ago and received a not ready yet. I waited another year and I brought it up because I've just been getting frustrated at nothing. We've lived together a few years (renting), I'm approaching mid 30s and running out of time.
Partner has zero debt and a good amount of savings, which is great. He works in a min wage job ATM and isn't sure what to do. His degree is in a creative area which is hard to make into a full-time career.
He said this week that he found the prospect of marriage and the expectations of it daunting but that he does want to marry me. I said I'd be more than happy with a registry office, I have zero interest in a big wedding day, I've made this very clear.
I don't see how his current job means we can't get engaged, I have no interest in an expensive ring etc. I want marriage for what it represents.
He said he wants to be sure he can provide for a child which is totally understandable. We both work full time and I have a very good maternity leave package, flexible working etc.
I said to him I'm not prepared to hang around for years longer waiting, I made my fertility issue very clear.
He does seem to understand that and said I won't be waiting years.
I asked him for complete honesty. I gave him very ample opportunity to say, sorry, not for me, I don't want these things yet. He insisted he wants marriage and children with me.
I totally understand he wants to be earning above min wage. There are many jobs out there which may not be his dream career, but they'll pay a bit more and are stable. However he lacks motivation to do the applications. I'm scared we will be in this position a year from now and I said this to him. He kept saying he doesn't know what to say. I just don't know what to do.

Agree with pp. you don't have time on your side and he does. At your ages, and after a few years you either know or you don't.

I understand his worries given that he’s only earning minimum wage and you’re renting. I don’t think he’s lying to you, he’s probably happy to just plod along with his head in the sand.

You need to make it clear to him again that it’s marriage and a baby or the relationship is over. That should be all the motivation he needs. If he’s still kicking it down the road, I would end it while you still have time on your side

I feel for you but in your position I would have been clearer from the very beginning, not waiting a year between conversations about something so important to you.
My now DH and I were discussing that marriage and children were something we wanted within 6 months of being together. I am older than him and told him that I needed to do these things within a certain timeline (which worked for him because he didn't want to wait too long anyway!). We got engaged after 18 months together while he was working a minimum wage job which he absolutely loved. We discussed that he needed to find a better paying before we could get married and have kids, he knew and agreed and found a job within 2 months.
We then got married and now have a baby on the way.

Basically, people (men) will do things if they want to. This guy doesn't seem to actually want to do the thing.

Sounds like my brother. He was with his ex for over 10 years. She kept bringing up having kids and he would tell her "not just yet, need to sort xyz first". But then he wouldn't do anything to actually sort xyz. She would bring it up with me now and again and I would basically tell her she needed leave and find someone else.

She finally left him when she was 35. She met someone else a few months later, moved in, was pregnant at 36 and gave birth just before she turned 37.

He wasn't particularly bothered when she first left, but then suddenly had a bee in his bonnet when he found out she'd met someone else. He complained that she wasn't willing to wait a bit longer for him to be ready to have kids. I really don't think some men get it. I guess he probably just thinks he can carry on until his 40s/50s and then find some poor younger woman to have kids with.

Don't waste your any more of your fertile years on him.

Don’t waste the best years of your life waiting for a man to decide your future. Find someone who wants marriage and children with you. He doesn’t want that - he is making excuses and trying to keep you on the hook with false promises. Many people never “sort” their lives out - they just live it.

My heart sank when you said he lacks motivation to make applications 🙄

He's mid 30s and still thinking ! He doesn't want to get married. You are an affluent flat mate and good for the time being but nothing beyond that. I'd think carefully about what is important to you.

He lying to you.

He doesn’t want to marry you or have children with you.

Get rid and find someone who wants a family and a future with you.

You should break up. You shouldn't marry someone who is not enthusiastic about marrying and having children with you. If you have to keep bringing it up, just leave it. It won't end well.

How old is he op?

If he wanted it, he'd be ready by now. Honestly, it's so clear to an outsider and a story as old as time. I bet every poster here over 40 can share a tale of a friend strung along like this.

Maybe he genuinely believes he'll "get there" at some point so is keeping you on standby, but realistically he's just sticking his head in the sand about everything- his relationship, kids, getting a better job. He's obviously not proactively seeking the life you are OP, otherwise you wouldn't be years into a never-changing situation, he'd have upped his game if he wanted to.

Please, PLEASE stop giving him extra chances. Leave, meet someone on the same page. Even if you got to marriage and kids stage with him before it's too late, he's clearly an apathetic coaster. Years on, you'd be posting here asking why you're the breadwinner, but doing all the house and kids grunt work and he never organises days out or whatever. Run!

Sorry I'm only just replying, just working in between. He's 30. I do understand about the job situation, he's always been down on himself about not 'doing better'. However I don't see how that's got anything to do with a wedding, especially a registry office.
However I don't feel like ultimatums are right because he might end up saying yes to these things but not really meaning it.

If he's mid-thirties and hasn't progressed beyond a minimum wage yet he's probably not going to any time soon. I wouldn't have a child with someone of that age earning that little.

I had a very similar situation. He didn't see the rush, even though he said he did.

I left when I was 32. Met someone else within the year, engaged a year later. Married now and starting ttc.

At the time I thought my ex was my one. But meeting my now husband I now know what being in love really feels like and how much worry and anxiety about the future I was subconsciously holding with my ex. The security I feel with my DH of being on the same page with life is absolutely wonderful

He’s already telling you stuff that he doesn’t mean so I don’t see what the difference is?

Open your eyes OP.

He’s 30 years old…..if a man of that age is living with a woman who he loves and wants a future with then he marries her and has children with her regardless of his job.

A poster above said a great line : “He’s hoping your eggs run out before his excuses do.”

It was an amazing line and you should pay attention to it.

Every woman who is reading this thread wants to bang their head against a wall I promise you.

He’s got well over 10 years to worry about marriage and children whereas sadly you don’t.

I would never, ever give up my chance to have children for any man. You need to ask yourself if you’re willing to sacrifice the future you want for this man and his empty words?

It's your choice. Would running out of fertile time before he's ready be a deal breaker, or would you rather be with him even if it means having no chance at a child? If you really want a child there may come a time where an ultimatum, combined with action on his part, is necessary.

How many times do you see this! Happened to 2 separate friends. Strung along for years in their mid/late thirties with promises of marriage and babies 'soon'. Never happens, they split up and then the man has married and had a kid within a year. Run run run!

From your post I’m sorry and it’s hard to hear (and I may be wrong) but I’ve seen it many friends before and he’s not going to change and when you eventually find it it could very well be too late. ⏰
whatever about marriage (not that important in my view) but if you want kids there’s a very real time limit, dating, finding a new partner, finding the right person! It’s shit that we as women are limited to our body clocks but there’s no way around that x hope you find your answers and get some clarity soon x

And like other posters have said before it’s so very true. Men will do what they want, if he wanted to he would.

@artattack1 sorry to say this but he is not going to marry you ever!! when someone comes along who he prefers more then he will be off! dump him and find someone who will treasure you for who you are.

I’ve seen it too many times to count, and it’s broken my heart for some very good friends ❤️

I may be the odd one out here but would say that I can maybe understand a bit where he is coming from with regards to children- the marriage is another thing entirely, if you’re happy with a registry office wedding you could even both pitch it to buy rings etc, so the marriage is doable cheaply.

But maybe the bulk of his reluctance is about having children, and he thinks after marriage there isn’t any barrier to children and he just financially doesn’t feel ready or know how to fix it? For example my DH’s parents never had any money, every weekly shop was to a list and no extras, no holidays or weekends away as a child, no organised hobbies as that was out of their budget etc, christmases were very small, you get the picture. They had 2 sons so my DH and his brother, both raised in the same household, my DH decided he didn’t want that life for his kids and has worked so unbelievably hard, we saved to buy our house before we spent on a wedding because having a mortgage was more important to us than being married first, once we had bought the house we got married and built up some savings and only then did we try for a baby and are now expecting. My DH because of the way he was raised didn’t want to even seriously think about ttc until we had our mortgage, good jobs, savings etc first, and I totally agreed because I also think it is important to be financially stable before having children. Maybe your partner does just feel the same but shows it differently?

For example, my BIL was raised in that same house but is older than my DH by 6 years, he’s in his 30’s now and always says he doesn’t want a family life like the one he was raised in, but instead of working hard to be able to have a family without the financial hardship like my DH has, he has gone the other way and basically just avoided having a family at all by having multiple 3/4 year relationships which all tend to end when the girlfriend wants more/ring/a baby because he always has the argument of we aren’t ready with a house/money/good jobs, he’s also in a min wage job and could get better if he applied himself buy he has almost just decided that this is all he’s going to get! So it can go both ways x

Yeah, I wondered if he was younger than you (although all ages of male do this).

I think you'll likely have to move on unless you want to risk the roulette of him growing up versus your fertility.

To my shame, back in my late 20s I thought the male friend with the older girlfriend was a poor soul being hassled for committment and a timescale for children. They dragged on for another couple of years and then she eventually left him in her mid 30s.

He has children (not until he was 40 though), but not with her. She has none.

Time isn’t really on your side here, OP. If you want kids, you need to move on.

I agree with this. I'm a bit more sympathetic to OP's partner, because my now husband studied for a creative job that never materialised (or rather it became clear it was going to require many more years of job insecurity for him and me being responsible for our financial stability long term). For a long time he had no money while I was building a career, and it even got to the stage where we didnt go out and do much together, partly due to cost. We got engaged when I was 22, but didn't marry until I was 30, now have house and baby too. There was a period of crisis about 18 months before we actually married where a lot of things came to the surface, it became clear things would have to change or we would split, and he ended up getting a much better paid job and we starting actually planning the wedding, as well as just spending more time together, and basically making the move from a sort of student-like lifestyle to one that made more sense for a couple in their late 29s/ early 30s.

I think a lot of people our age have been sold a lot of crap about what meaningful or interesting work looks like, and have financially screwed ourselves over in the process, but that's another issue. I also think the expectation of men to "provide" is real, to the extent many assume a decent job will just happen.

If you love the guy and want the situation to work, you'll have to be a bit of a cow now. Make really clear he needs to have a better job within six months. Look for vacancies for him and send them to him, help with applications. Do the costings of a low cost wedding. If you have friends with small children, socialise as couples with them so he starts to see what lifestyle you are looking at (few people with a baby are living in luxury). You shouldn't have to do these things, but it sounds like he needs a kick up the arse.

Give it a few months and watch his reaction. If he starts to lean into it, applies for the jobs, likes hanging out with the babies etc, you'll be fine. And if he puts up resistance, keeps making excuses etc, then the other posters are right and he's stringing you along, and you should think about bringing things to an end. Good luck!