partner won't commit due to finances

[artattack1]

We've been together a few years, I brought up marriage and children a year ago and received a not ready yet. I waited another year and I brought it up because I've just been getting frustrated at nothing. We've lived together a few years (renting), I'm approaching mid 30s and running out of time.
Partner has zero debt and a good amount of savings, which is great. He works in a min wage job ATM and isn't sure what to do. His degree is in a creative area which is hard to make into a full-time career.
He said this week that he found the prospect of marriage and the expectations of it daunting but that he does want to marry me. I said I'd be more than happy with a registry office, I have zero interest in a big wedding day, I've made this very clear.
I don't see how his current job means we can't get engaged, I have no interest in an expensive ring etc. I want marriage for what it represents.
He said he wants to be sure he can provide for a child which is totally understandable. We both work full time and I have a very good maternity leave package, flexible working etc.
I said to him I'm not prepared to hang around for years longer waiting, I made my fertility issue very clear.
He does seem to understand that and said I won't be waiting years.
I asked him for complete honesty. I gave him very ample opportunity to say, sorry, not for me, I don't want these things yet. He insisted he wants marriage and children with me.
I totally understand he wants to be earning above min wage. There are many jobs out there which may not be his dream career, but they'll pay a bit more and are stable. However he lacks motivation to do the applications. I'm scared we will be in this position a year from now and I said this to him. He kept saying he doesn't know what to say. I just don't know what to do.

Well yes, I was replying to the poster who said “if a man is serious, he’d marry a woman within a couple of years”. I was commenting on that generalization and pointed out that other factors may make that timeframe unrealistic.

I wasn’t commenting on the OPs particular situation but was replying to the poster who said “if a man is serious, he’d marry a woman within a couple of years”. I was commenting on that generalization and pointed out that other factors may make that timeframe unrealistic.

Yes, but factors actually relevant to the OP - such as her age and desire for children - make his timeframe unrealistic.

He just doesn't want to op.
I was with my partner for 6 years , had 2 dc together, both thought marrige was " just a piece of paper "
I realised how precarious my position was and the legal implications if we were to split, plus I adore him.
I told him this and we were married 4 months later. If a man wants to marry you then they will

End it. He is lying.

And if he isnt then it will be the shock he needs to pull his finger out. It's the only way to make him drive the change.

If he is approaching 40 and in a minimum wage job, coasting along and not even applying himself to achieve the things he says he wants in life and work then he isnt a catch and is unsuitable father material. Even if you wheedle marriage and babies out of him he will never be an inspiring, exciting partner and dad.

He screams a lack of ambition. Do better.

My friend hung around after he kept insisting "yes of course I want marriage and kids!". He never married her, left her and got married to the new girlfriend within a year. She never had kids. Don't be her. Leave him now, not in a year's time, now.

This as well.

Bow out. You will regret it if you don't.

Men seem to not be capable of choosing honesty over the prospect of being alone.

He likes the status quos and doesn't want to loose it. He doesn't want the marriage and children future so if he says 'I'm not quite ready' you'll stay and be more likely to keep staying.

Providing a possibly unpopular opinion:

I was in the same situation. Partner didn't want to commit due to being in a financially instable situation back then (him, not me).

Eventually, we decided to start trying for children. A year later, without any luck, he proposed, and 6 weeks later, we found out I was pregnant. Our relationship is now better than it's ever been, and we look forward to the arrival of our little one.

Before he proposed, I was in the same spot as you. I thought he just didn't want to build a family and future with me and he was also (as he'll admit himself now) really terrible at communicating his worries. He got a lot of "I don't know", "not the right time", etc from him when actually, he was very aware that I had a great job with good maternity leave package, he lived in my flat and so on. He knew from his mates that babies and engagement rings cost money and, for him, it was always about not wanting me to settle for anything less than what he thought I deserved.

When I thought he was making excuses because I had said I didn't need an expensive ring, etc, he wasn't going to propose with anything less than what he thought I'd really love.

Your opinions on these things will differ. Neither of you may currently be communicating what is really on your mind. That's okay. You just have to work out for yourself if you want this man in your life and if you're a good team. Don't let your age frazzle you either - you have plenty of time, so don't let society wind you up. It's not you against him. It's both of you together on your journey to discovering whether you'll be a family one day.

Don't forget, his role in all of this is not just to propose and agree to having a baby. It will be to look after you when pregnancy isn't much fun, to get up at night when the newborn won't sleep, to comfort you when a scan didn't tell you what you had hoped for.

Working in a minimum wage job can have a really negative impact on people's motivation levels and mental health. He might just not feel equipped for big life changes right now.

Just to look at it another way, what is the benefit to you in marrying him, OP? You have the good career, maternity leave, flexible working and the desire to have a child.

He has a min wage job and no motivation whatsoever to get a better job or a house. Zero drive. He’s not a catch, is he?

Look ahead, even if you marry now and have the child - perfectly doable - and clearly what you would like to do. If you split later YOU will be the loser and he will walk away with a profit from all your hard work. This is how marriage works in the U.K.

Plus who will do all the heavy lifting of parenthood - from nappy changing to drop offs and pick ups, after-school activities, parents evenings, letters home from school, buying clothing of all sorts, doctors and dentist appointments, even much later on uni open days - the lot. It will be you. Because he isn’t interested. It’s going to be a slog.

I would find someone who actually wants to be part of that.

Impossibly for me to know if he's stringing you along or if he genuinely has it in his head that he can only allow himself to enjoy marriage and fatherhood if he has a better more 'grown up' job. However, it's largely irrelevant. The point is that it matters to you and knowing that he should be willing to either overcome his misgivings or accept the relationship has run its course. At 33 you do not have time on your side for him to spend time naval gazing and sorting it out. Given his lack-lustre approach to job hunting it doesn't sound like he's doing much about it anyway!

I do understand him.
I struggle with the idea of marriage and I worry about sharing my life with someone.

I’d always want my life to be very financially secure before having kids, to bring them up in a stable home.

I assume, like me, he didn’t have well off parents and wants to do things at the ‘right’ time.

Unfortunately though, there is never a right time and you’d end up wasting your life by waiting (my DC was a happy accident else I still wouldn’t have kids).

He’s also younger than you which does make a difference.

I would tell him that this is what you want and you’ll both be able to continue working after having kids etc but that money isn’t everything.

I would say you want to be engaged and TTC within the next 6 months.
Give yourself a date and if there has been no change from him when you get to that date, then you know that you have to end things.

You can’t afford to wait around for this man. He will drag his feet. I’ll get flamed for this but just because people ‘may’ be able to have kids 38+, my opinion is that it doesn’t mean anyone should be doing that. People are obsessed with waiting for everything to be perfect, the 4 bed house, expensive SUVs and being at the top of the career ladder. Biology doesn’t care for that and long term the repercussions are being in your 80s becoming a grandparent, etc. Everyone seems to have forgotten this. I think 40 should be a cut off for everyone male or female, certainly for a first child.
OP you seem to know this and there’s no better time than the present to find someone who is on the same page and can give you the things you want from life, you sound hardworking and like a kind person so you deserve someone who can match you with it.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing with him.
He's not interested in marriage and children. He's future faking and coming up with excuses to delay. If he wanted to marry and have children with you he'd find a way.

But if you still want to give him a chance (hope springs eternal...) tell him that you want to be married by such and such a date and start trying to conceive straight afterwards and if he isn't able to commit to that timetable you will leave. And stick to it.

Thanks again, sorry for not replying earlier. I'm going to look at registry office bookings now and suggest a date. I've also sent him several jobs. Sadly I don't see it happening.

You’re doing all the leg work for him. If he wanted to, he would. It’s not your fault he’s like this but you deserve more.

He is a future faking fucker. Don't let him run down your fertility clock.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums. No one should marry unless they want to. And I wouldn't to marry someone who had to be dragged up the aisle. I'd only want to marry someone who thought he was the luckiest man alive

But, it is sensible to say "I'm not sure we're on the same page. I'm starting to wonder if I wish to continue in this relationship"

If he wants to keep you, he'll make that clear

But you have to mean it, and be willing to walk

He can afford to wait. You can't .

If you want children you may have to let him go.

How many times do we see women waiting for the man to be ready only to reach the end of their fertile years. Then he leaves for a younger woman and has the children he apparently wasn't ready for/didn't want with her?

Often I don't want x really means I don't want x with you.

The fact you’re doing his job hunting and not him says a lot OP 😢

Why would you even want to be with someone who can’t be bothered to make any effort for you?

Exactly this.

Don’t marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you OP. I’m not saying I think he as the man should do everything to organise the marriage, but at the very least you should be sitting down together to agree dates etc. You shouldn’t force him to marry if he has made it clear with his actions that he doesn’t want to, you’ll only be back here in 5 years asking for advice on divorce and potentially still without children.

Think that he is lying to your face as it suits him not to lose you.

If he wanted to marry you he would. It can be done very cheaply.

My advice would be to call it off as you cannot afford to waste your fertility if you want children.

Don t lose any more time trying to fix him, he has very low potential
Around 30, it s when you see who adjusts to adult life and who doesn't, it seems he doesn't
You really have a better and faster chance to reach your goals (marriage, kids) by binning this one and finding your right guy
The emotional energy/time you are spending on him is time and emotional energy you can t spend for yourself to build your happiness

Unless you have parents nearby, if he's on minimum wage and you're just on just "a bit" more, you won't be able to afford childcare (at least not where I live, we were recently quoted £900 a month for three days a week of nursery), so one of you, presumably him if he is the lower earner, will have to stop work for at least a couple of years...he might be using all this as an excuse, but there is a grain of reality to what he's saying.