To be upset at being told to “just get on with it”

[rhaenyra01]

I have started having really bad migraines since having my DD. When I get them I can’t bear to look at light, and any sound even if it’s in another room or downstairs, goes straight through me and makes me feel like I’m being whacked on the head with a hammer. My whole head feels like it’s going to burst and it’s extremely painful. I also feel really nauseous and teary.

I started with one last night, took two ibuprofen and went to bed early, woke up several times through the night with the pain, this morning I was meant to be at work and was sat in tears in bed with the pain.

DH said not to go to work as I have to drive there and said it wasn’t safe for me to drive. As it’s a day where DH and I are both meant to be at work, we had arranged childcare, however DH got annoyed that he was having to take DD to childcare as he said if I wasn’t at work, I should be looking after her. I was literally sat with my hands over my ears and my eyes shut with the pain I was in, I could barely stand to hear him and DD’s voices. He said it was just a headache and I should just get on with it, what would I have done if childcare wasn’t arranged, etc. He left with DD making it pretty clear that he thought I was putting it on.

I don’t think DH appreciates how debilitating a migraine is and it’s really upset me. If I had a cold or anything else of course I’d look after my daughter even when I was off sick from work but I literally can’t bear sound and light when I have a migraine and all that helps me is lying in the dark and trying not to move. It’s making my head absolutely pound to write this post but just needed to vent. AIBU to be upset and feel guilty?

I'm with you OP. I had hormonal migraines for years, now controlled with HRT. Absolutely I had to spend days curled up in bed in a dark room, in pain, sometimes in tears, but not always sleepy. And occasionally I would go on my phone for a bit. It helped relieve boredom. Dark mode works. You just do what you can to get through it. And it was far better for my kids to be in nursery on those days, where they could have a normal day, than to stay home and do what? Lie in bed next to me? I remember if I had one on a non working day when I had no childcare I would sometimes bring DD into bed with me. We'd talk, I'd try and do a story, sometimes put the TV on for her to watch while I lay down with my eyes closed. And sometimes we'd have a "who can get to sleep first" competition. If she had had the option of a nursery place on those days, it would have been by far the best option. You've paid for the place anyway, it's better for DC if they use it. It just sounds to me like DH thinks you were exaggerating and he begrudged what he saw as a 'free day'. But do get your migraines checked out by a GP. I lost a whole decade to migraines when they weren't taken seriously and weren't treated properly by my then GP.

Unless you’ve suffered a migraine attack you have no idea how excruciatingly painful and debilitating they are.
Three days of unrelenting pain and vomiting every month, unable to move without throwing up, unable to bear light, noise or smells. I used to walk the kids to school, come home and go to bed, the go back at 3pm to collect them, vomiting en route.
Go to your GP op and ask for medication, it is available, however it’s expensive for them to prescribe it, my daughter gets it, they only prescribe 6 at a time but they work, She takes one, which usually is enough, if not she takes another so many hours later.

Surely you can understand a bit why he thinks it's not as serious as a migraine, when one minute you're saying I was literally sat with my hands over my ears and my eyes shut with the pain I was in, I could barely stand to hear him and DD’s voices.

And the next you're whipping your phone out to post on Mumsnet?

Migraines are horrendous. It would be next to impossible to properly care for a young child during one.
My dad had them. He would be in bed for up to 3 days, crying at times. Vomiting. Unable to open his eyes. Unable to sleep. It was awful to watch. He also used to get cluster headaches which were even worse than migraines.

I get silent migraines which are bad enough. I wouldn't be able to function if I had a full on one.

Your husband was understanding enough until he actually had to step up and do something for his child. That says a lot about him.

Haven't read the full thread but, my migraines got much worse postpartum and I was completely unable to look after my little boy when I had them. Luckily I was off on maternity leave and grandparents were happy to step in as my husband was away on work a lot of the time.

Once you are feeling better I would ring the GP and ask for a prescription for a tryptan. I take Sumatriptan and always make sure I have them on me for when a migraine strikes. I hate taking them as I find they make me very tired but then again I'm exhausted when I have a migraine, so may as well take them.

I was also prescribed Pizotifen as a preventative, which was life-changing for me. Gone from 10-15 migraines a month to maybe only one every 3 months. It did make me put on a bit of weight but I was underweight to begin with so no bad thing.

Also cutting down too quickly on caffeine is a big trigger for me, so now stick to 1-2 coffees a day max.

Hope you feel better soon. Unless you've suffered from migraines, I don't think most people realise how debilitating they are. Personally for me, I feel the after effects for a few days afterwards too.

Out of interest, would you have started a mumsnet thread during such a time?

Just fyi - you can buy them in online pharmacies for cheaper. I get the 100mg sumatriptan then use half. The pack lasts much longer and it’s so much cheaper

Possibly, had it been around then.
I’ve had to do many things during an attack, mine would come on without warning.
I’ve had to sit at an industrial sewing machine during migraines, my migraines were classical flashy lights type.
I had to stop using the machine until the aura cleared or I’d have sewn my fingers together.

I have started back with the migraines I got as a teenager; thanks, menopause. Anyway - I can't function for about 24 hours usually, and can't drive/work at a screen for about 48. It's vile. Mine are balance and light based. The pain isn't awful; I just can't stand upright, or look at light/deal with noise. So, I go to bed and try to sleep it off.
Triptans have definitely helped though, so I would suggest you go see your GP.
But, yes, why would you put yourself through all that, when you have childcare organised? He needs to step up. It's one day FFS.

Thank you, I didn’t know this, I’ll let my dd know. Sometimes it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone with her gp.

You “had” to though

Yes they are absolutely awful. Mine were definitely hormone induced, got them once a month, usually lasted a day, if really bad would last two days, and you are stuck in bed unable to do anything. Thankfully now stopped due to the menopause. And ibuprofen and paracetamol did nothing. There is no way you could have looked after your child.

I started having migraines after I had my son and they got progressively more frequent and debilitating. Ibuprofen didn’t do anything. You need to get prescription medication like Zolmitriptran for the time being. I got rid of mine thanks to treatment from an osteopath. 7 years now migraine free.

I totally get it OP. Thankfully my DH is very understanding and sympathetic but I’ve had plenty bosses in the past who have expected me to just get on with it.

I often can’t even move with the pain and if I need to get up for the toilet, the pain makes me cry and I just can’t wait to get back into bed.

As far as writing a post on mumsnet goes, if it was a bad one but not my absolute worst, I’d be able to lie on the side that was hurting (I always find that’s comfier for some reason), close that eye and use only the other eye, and write a post. OP was clearly upset and stressed and needed to get it off her chest.

I hope it eases for you soon OP. I’ve had them for over 30 years and only recently have I been prescribed something that actually helps - Zolmitriptan. I find it much better then Sumitriptan which I was on before.

I’ve only recently started suffering with migraines. When I got my first migraine it came on so suddenly and severely that my partner drove me to a and e where I spent the night because the doctors were concerned as I’ve got no history of headaches, I’ve know been prescribed medication by my gp that I take when I feel a migraine coming and it’s worked wonders it kills the migraine in about 20 minutes, before experiencing migraines I didn’t understand how bad they were and you dh is probably the same.

I’m a migraine sufferer. Ibuprofen may as well be smarties for all the good they’ll do for migraines. You need to accept your now a migraine person and start preparing for them. Figure out what your triggers are, mine can be dehydration or exercise but usually hormones. My mums is red wine and my dads is chocolate. Find out what yours are and avoid as best you can. Keep migralieve in the house at all times, the preventative ones you take at the first sign are really good. Once you’ve done all this, if you’re still suffering then go to the GP. As for your DH… it is my experience that people who have never had one simply have no idea. They just think it’s a headache. So I’d let that slide and hope he gets one! But as everyone else has already said, do avoid screens and light when having one

I could, and would.

I get migraines. During them I can't bear sound of any kind, or moving my head - both are utterly excruciating and I often vomit. I take myself to bed, draw the curtains, and lie perfectly still on whichever side I can tolerate.

I can use my phone on dark mode - it doesn't make it worse, so I do - it distracts me from the pain.

Migraines have a myriad of symptoms. Just because some people can't bear screens, that doesn't mean noone can.

I don't get flashing lights or aura - I certainly wouldn't be arrogant enough to say people who do don't have migraines just because their experience is different to mine. Everyone dismissing OPs migraines on the basis that they are different to theirs (or their sister's - seriously?!) is being that arrogant. And ignorant.

I suggest you get better medication . Migraleve are amazing . I have debilitating migraines that prevent me from driving or eating or use a screen every month for at least 3 days . Unfortunately I have to have the kids on those days as I wouldn’t make hubby miss work as it’s not fair

If you can write a post, you don’t have a migraine.

Yes, I'm the same. I have suffered with migraines since I was a teenager. Dh called an ambulance once, and I was taken to hospital as I had full-on stroke symptoms. Weakness down one said, unable to talk, etc. I was 12 weeks pregnant. It was scary at the time, how confused and how I was unable to communicate. That said, sometimes, when they're not too bad, I could lie on the side with the pain, I too find that more comfortable, close my eye, and use the none effected side to look at my phone. I could probably write a post. Other times, I couldn't. I take sumitriptan as a last resort as I hate how it makes me feel.

Sorry but that's utter bullshit. Too many people on this thread equating their own experiences with the only experiences.

YOU may not be able to if YOU have a migraine - visual sensitivity/visual disturbances are common in migraines, but, and here's the important part, they are not part of every type of migraine.

From the Migraine Trust:

*"What is migraine?Migraine is a severe and painful long-term health condition. If you have migraine you will have migraine attacks, which can be a whole-body experience.
Common symptoms of an attack can include:

• head pain,
• problems with your sight such as seeing flashing lights,
• being very sensitive to light, sounds and smells,
• fatigue,
• feeling sick and being sick.

Different people get different symptoms. When you have a migraine attack, you may not be able to function normally."*

The last sentence is key.

I don't have photosensitivity (light sensitivity) - I have phonosensitivity, or sound sensitivity. I also have sensitivity to movement.

I can look at my phone, as long as I don't move my head, watch video, or have any sound on. It's about the only thing I CAN do.

Your experience is yours, it's not everyone's.

https://migrainetrust.org/understand-migraine/types-of-migraine/

fellow migraine sufferer here. Sometimes I can use my phone/screen. Sometimes I can’t. Depends on how much light, scrolling, nausea etc. also the pain often fluctuates so I could do something for a bit then it will get worse again. It used to be I absolutely couldn’t use a computer at all
with one. could use a phone a little bit but def made things 100x worse. Now I can manage screens a bit even when they are quite bad if I have to.

OP: if you’re too sick with it to drive to work you’re too sick to look after kids. Your DH is unreasonable to think you can.

The posters who say you can’t be that I’ll if you can post need to get in the bin and stop saying if someone doesn’t get migraines exactly like they or their sister do, they aren’t having one

I feel for you. Looking after a small child with a migraine is my definition of hell. I’ve had to do it.

Yes your DH is being an arse, if you've already paid for childcare why the hell should you look after your DD at home when you are unwell? I hope you are feeling better.

You poor woman as I used to get them so bad and mostly hormonal and few days before my period was a different person if I had a migraine. People who never got them do not understand. The excruciating pain in neck, between eyes and if had sinus pain migraine my whole face in agony. Only thing that worked was Solpadeine soluble and Sudofed spray. I felt all over the place and dizzy and could not function and would have virtigo.

He is very unreasonable and selfish also. Stay in bed and let him look after his daughter when she comes home.
Please see your doctor so you can get something and advise if you get again. I have had migraine that lasted 3 days and really wipes you out.