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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being told to “just get on with it”

105 replies

rhaenyra01 · 07/11/2023 08:16

I have started having really bad migraines since having my DD. When I get them I can’t bear to look at light, and any sound even if it’s in another room or downstairs, goes straight through me and makes me feel like I’m being whacked on the head with a hammer. My whole head feels like it’s going to burst and it’s extremely painful. I also feel really nauseous and teary.

I started with one last night, took two ibuprofen and went to bed early, woke up several times through the night with the pain, this morning I was meant to be at work and was sat in tears in bed with the pain.

DH said not to go to work as I have to drive there and said it wasn’t safe for me to drive. As it’s a day where DH and I are both meant to be at work, we had arranged childcare, however DH got annoyed that he was having to take DD to childcare as he said if I wasn’t at work, I should be looking after her. I was literally sat with my hands over my ears and my eyes shut with the pain I was in, I could barely stand to hear him and DD’s voices. He said it was just a headache and I should just get on with it, what would I have done if childcare wasn’t arranged, etc. He left with DD making it pretty clear that he thought I was putting it on.

I don’t think DH appreciates how debilitating a migraine is and it’s really upset me. If I had a cold or anything else of course I’d look after my daughter even when I was off sick from work but I literally can’t bear sound and light when I have a migraine and all that helps me is lying in the dark and trying not to move. It’s making my head absolutely pound to write this post but just needed to vent. AIBU to be upset and feel guilty?

OP posts:
Ballsbaill · 07/11/2023 08:42

I can't even look at my phone screen or laptop with a migraine so I'm not sure how you can with such a bad one. Nonetheless yanbu

LittleMooli · 07/11/2023 08:44

Flipdiddle · 07/11/2023 08:39

Because my sister suffers from migraines

debilitating

and it is frustrating when people such as the op talks about debilitating, paralysing pain - but then feels happy to look at a screen and tap out a long message minutes after feeling as such

it denigrates the true suffering that migraines sufferers endure

Show quote history

Presumably she felt well enough and riled up enough to type it during that moment. Or used text to type. Or whatever. Just because your sister's are constant doesn't mean OP's are and it's actually really insulting to say no you're not as sick as you say you are. You're as bad as OP's husband.

FayCarew · 07/11/2023 08:45

Are you on the Pill or some other hormone-based contraception,@rhaenyra01 ?

Pizzahunt · 07/11/2023 08:46

Sumatriptan- think that’s how it’s spelt- worked well for me. You need to be take it just before a migraine kicks in for it to be most effective, so knowing the difference between having an ordinary headache and a migraine is important.

Also worth getting your blood pressure checked out as could be linked.

Flipdiddle · 07/11/2023 08:47

SapphireOpal · 07/11/2023 08:41

Yes, I'd be able to - that's what I said.

It is clearly more difficult to look after a DC all day than spend 5 minutes typing a post on Mumsnet. Don't you agree?

Show quote history

Yes absolutely

but I think you and I have a very different interpretation of the description “debilitating pain”

TizerorFizz · 07/11/2023 08:53

@rhaenyra01 I really feel for you. I had migraines for years. Fewer as I got older so I do think mine were hormone related. I was told to avoid cheese and chocolate - no change obviously. I had them last for 3 days sometimes and it affects your whole life as it could be a monthly episode.

I did find Imigran worked. It doesn’t for everyone and apologies if you have tried it. I took it immediately I felt unwell. Then another tablet if needed around 1-2 hours later. I got them from my GP. You can buy them privately if you go through the questionnaire. Get the strongest dose you can. It was a game changer for me. It’s also known as Sumpatriptan. Give it a go. You have nothing to lose and I found paracetamol and ibuprofen were useless!

ssd · 07/11/2023 09:03

@Flipdiddle , you are obviously doubting the pain the op is in, based on your sisters migraines. The op said her head was pounding writing her op but she needed to vent. But you cast doubt on that, as presumably your sister couldn't do that, so that makes you an expert on migraines and how bad the pain gets.

Righto

NotGoldenBalls · 07/11/2023 09:03

If you were a migraine sufferer you would know that two Ibuprofen are very unlikely to touch it. Secondly, you wouldn't be able to type a long MN post. Sorry OP I'm with your DH on this.

LittleMooli · 07/11/2023 09:05

This is awful to read how so many people have decided OP can't possibly have had/be having a migraine.

She is in her body. Why are you all doubting her experience just because it doesn't match yours.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/11/2023 09:09

Flipdiddle · 07/11/2023 08:39

Because my sister suffers from migraines

debilitating

and it is frustrating when people such as the op talks about debilitating, paralysing pain - but then feels happy to look at a screen and tap out a long message minutes after feeling as such

it denigrates the true suffering that migraines sufferers endure

Show quote history

Oh give it a rest. You don’t even have first hand experience of having migraines, how on earth can you know what other people can or can’t do when they have one?

Fwiw I have migraines, get all the classic symptoms and nausea etc and am still able to look at my phone. Smells are a far worse trigger for me. Everyone is different.

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/11/2023 09:11

ssd · 07/11/2023 09:03

@Flipdiddle , you are obviously doubting the pain the op is in, based on your sisters migraines. The op said her head was pounding writing her op but she needed to vent. But you cast doubt on that, as presumably your sister couldn't do that, so that makes you an expert on migraines and how bad the pain gets.

Righto

can't have it both ways.

Some migraines are worst than others. But either they are too bad to look after your own child, and you don't post on MN

I literally can’t bear sound and light
is the OP typing blind in complete darkness then?

or they are bearable enough to be on screen and you could be doing other things.

MsRosley · 07/11/2023 09:12

I've had regular migraines my whole adult life. Although I can function more or less with painkillers and triptans, attacks often last days and cause more than just head pain. Nausea, difficulties processing language, etc. But without proper medication, I couldn't manage at all, let alone look after kids.

Londonscallingme · 07/11/2023 09:18

My mum gets migraines and it’s totally debilitating, she’s physically sick and can’t do anything. It’s nothing like ‘a headache’ and there’s no way she’d be looking after anyone, let alone a toddler. Your husband is an arse for behaving this way.

I do take others point that she would also 100% not be writing anything down or looking at her phone.

rockinginarockingchair · 07/11/2023 09:21

I suffer with migraines have done for years.
I get them to the point i have to darken my home completely i cant look at anything bright let alone a screen i cant read as i cant understand words.
Cant talk right dizzy sick. ( i have a whole list)
I live in sunshades.
And im on meds. ( helps a bit)
classic migraines.
Vestibular migraines.
And i get the migraine hangovers.

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/11/2023 09:23

If the OP was on her phone or similar, you can understand the comment.

Not everybody has the luxury of childcare when they have migraines, you do get on with it, but just pointing out you are really unwell (too unwell to be on your phone writing lengthy posts) and the child would have much more fun at nursery would have been enough

juneybean · 07/11/2023 09:23

Speak to the GP, taking amitryptiline before bed has done wonders for me. I couldn't be looking at a screen though, get to bed!

I do have sumatriptan but I cannot get on with it, it just makes me feel weird.

SoYoung · 07/11/2023 09:28

My first thought was that you wouldn't be on Mumsnet complaining about your husband if it was that bad.

TheChosenTwo · 07/11/2023 09:28

I get them sometimes, they’re completely awful. If I can take my sumatriptan in time they can stop it in its tracks before it really takes hold and I can recover quickly but if I fail to realise what’s happening and only piece it together as the early stages of a migraine I miss the sweet spot and my god I’m totally done for the day and probably the next 2 aswell.
There’s absolutely not a chance I could type on my phone when I’m in full swing of a migraine!
Get yourself booked in with an optician and then a gp for some better prescribed medication.
OTT doesn’t even so much as take the edge off mine, migraleve etc is useless (for me).

Cherry35 · 07/11/2023 09:43

There are many unreasonable answers here. You can have a migraine, not able to drive, be disturbed by sound and light. You can set the phone to dark mode or with very low light and it won't disturb. Of course she can't take care of a child.

Op, get referred to a GP or Neurologist, there are good medicines out there (pills and injectables) that can be used as preventatives.

Flipdiddle · 07/11/2023 09:49

ssd · 07/11/2023 09:03

@Flipdiddle , you are obviously doubting the pain the op is in, based on your sisters migraines. The op said her head was pounding writing her op but she needed to vent. But you cast doubt on that, as presumably your sister couldn't do that, so that makes you an expert on migraines and how bad the pain gets.

Righto

Correct

Flipdiddle · 07/11/2023 09:53

SoYoung · 07/11/2023 09:28

My first thought was that you wouldn't be on Mumsnet complaining about your husband if it was that bad.

This

i am guessing the op waited until after her dh had left as that would have understandably raised an eyebrow

his wife covering her ears, eyes closed…. But on her phone tapping away

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/11/2023 09:58

ssd · 07/11/2023 09:03

@Flipdiddle , you are obviously doubting the pain the op is in, based on your sisters migraines. The op said her head was pounding writing her op but she needed to vent. But you cast doubt on that, as presumably your sister couldn't do that, so that makes you an expert on migraines and how bad the pain gets.

Righto

I am doubting the pain the op is in, based on what SHE wrote in her OP.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 07/11/2023 10:20

Chanelbasketballandchain · 07/11/2023 09:11

can't have it both ways.

Some migraines are worst than others. But either they are too bad to look after your own child, and you don't post on MN

I literally can’t bear sound and light
is the OP typing blind in complete darkness then?

or they are bearable enough to be on screen and you could be doing other things.

Show quote history

It's not having it both ways. There is a massive difference between a single short post on MN and looking after a toddler all day. Why on earth do think they are comparable? Have you never even seen a toddler before?

willWillSmithsmith · 07/11/2023 10:20

I get bad migraines, they’re really debilitating and the last thing I would be doing is going on a screen. I’d be physically incapable of it and it would exacerbate it even more. Stay off your screens if you have migraine!!

Flipdiddle · 07/11/2023 10:32

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 07/11/2023 10:20

It's not having it both ways. There is a massive difference between a single short post on MN and looking after a toddler all day. Why on earth do think they are comparable? Have you never even seen a toddler before?

Show quote history

No one has said starting a thread is comparable to looking after to a preschooler all day

some of us are simply 🤔 at the “debilitating” nature of a migraine that means minutes after covering her ears and closing her eyes from the screaming pain - is pulling out her phone to start a mumsnet thread 🤷‍♀️